


A Perfect Design

by Ixthalia



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Slow Build, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 23:12:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 94,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4583778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ixthalia/pseuds/Ixthalia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Born as part of an experiment to test the limits of human biotics, Eira has known nothing save the secret lab she has been confined to since birth. When her life is turned on end, she finds herself a part of a suicide mission under the charge of Commander Shepard. As the lies her life has been built upon unravel, her relationship with Shepard deepens to a level neither anticipated.</p>
<p>Originally posted on FF.net under my pen-name there: <b>Fallon-Idalia</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This story came together due to my dissatisfaction with the romance options for M!Shep in ME2. Don't get me wrong, I love Tali but I wish we could see her. I don't mind Jack and Miranda, but they didn't do anything for me as a LI for Shepard (and I mean come on, we can only listen to Miranda bitch about being perfect for so long). And seriously, don't even get me started on Ashley!
> 
> So I developed the idea for this story to give M!Shep the attention he deserves and delve into his backstory. Cause I mean come on, it isn't until ME3 that Shepard is given the option for expressing how worn out he is and that's just wrong! I require more delicious angst!
> 
> Anywho, ranting aside…
> 
> Any and all comments are greatly appreciated and I thank you in advance for giving this story a read!

_Satent System, Pylos Nebula, December of 2162_

Blood-curdling screams echoed down the narrow, sterile hallways of the facility. Lights cut in and out as the generator strained, pushing all of its juice into the containment cell in the center of the station. The station's staff hurried toward the screams.

The network of winding hallways converged on the containment cell, the source of the pained screams.

The cell was surrounded by thick walls with heavy metal and tech cores designed to repel any rays of refined element zero and radiation which sought escape. In the control room, a dozen scientists and doctors viewed their subject on screens from cameras situated in the cell. All of them remained straight faced at the image on their screens, seemingly unmoved by the subject's agony and cries for mercy.

They had a job to do and their pockets were well-lined for them to do it. Their employer demanded results and the stakes were high – Project Valkyrie needed to succeed.

Inside the cell, the subject, a young woman, struggled against the restraints which bound her to the exam table. There were numerous IVs in her arms, neck and legs and tubes criss-cross over her body to connect to the machines that surrounded her. Based on the fact that she was still alive, she could only assume some of what was being given to her through the IVs was meant to nourish her. A very small part of her was grateful for it, even if it was insufficient to sustain her beyond the next four months.

A muggy heat surrounded her and she choked on a sob.

Sweat covered her brow and dripped down her face, matting her brown hair to her neck. Weak and sickly, there were dark circles under her sunken eyes and she fought to merely keep them open. But she knew she had to stay alert and fight back, if not for herself but for the baby growing inside of her.

At five months pregnant, her stomach was the only part of her that wasn't thin. In the time she had been in her cell, the subject of her captor's experiments, her only source of comfort was the periodic movement inside of her. When she was at her lowest, her child would kick and remind her why she couldn't close her eyes and give in to what was being done to her.

_What was being done…_

Tears welled up in her eyes. For all the physical pain she was going through, she could only guess at what was happening to her unborn child. Technicians had been in her cell, wearing heavy, high tech suits designed to withstand exposure to high levels of eezo, to poke and prod her swollen belly. She still remembered the panic that had overcame her when they had first approached her with a massive needle and held her down as it was inserted into her stomach.

She shivered and slowly raised a weak, thin hand to her stomach. Her child moved inside of her and she gave her stomach a small rub, hoping that it was enough to sooth the tiny life growing inside of her.

That small action exhausted her and her hand fell back onto the table like it weighed a ton.

She whimpered and looked around her, finally noticing the tech that had entered the room and was now entering something into his omni-tool.

She searched for her voice.

"W-Why are you doing this?"

The tech looked up, clearly surprised to see that she had the energy to form a sentence. Since her arrival she'd done nothing but scream; her speaking limited to 'please' and 'don't'. After all, in the weeks she had been here nearly constant testing had been done. It was necessary if the results their employer desired were to be achieved. But the physical effects on the woman were extreme. He doubted she would even be able to stand if they allowed her to try.

His focus returned to his omni-tool, "I'm not at liberty to disclose that information to you, miss. Suffice to say your sacrifice will be for the betterment of humanity."

Her heart sank.

_I'm not going to survive this…_

She inhaled deeply and tried to steady her quivering lip, "My baby…"

"Your daughter will usher in a new age for human biotics." The tech said in a cold voice, "You should be proud to be the vessel for such a subject."

_A girl…I'm having a girl…_

The elation of knowing her child's sex was overshadowed by suffocating fear as the tech's words sunk in. She would die…and her captors would have her baby girl to do with as they saw fit. For all she knew, they planned more experiments for her child once she was born. Her child would know pain and suffering, hardship and sorrow…

And there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She clenched her teeth as anger flooded over her to dampen the fear.

"M-My little girl isn't y-your play-thing…"

The tech sighed in frustration and looked up from his omni-tool to approach the table she was strapped down to. She could only see his eyes through the mask he wore, but it was enough for her to see how very little he cared for her suffering or her pleas.

_Cold…so cold…_

He paused in his approach and raised his hand to his ear; to what she could only assume was an earpiece his mask concealed.

"Understood," the tech turned to leave, "and for the record, Mrs. Eklund, she won't be our 'play-thing'…she will be our future."

The door sealed with a hiss behind him and the lights in her cell dimmed.

She stiffened on the table and squeezed her eyes shut as another wave of eezo was pumped into the room.

As her the muscles of her body began to seize and pinch, she arched off the table and tears welled in her eyes.

_This is it…this is how I die…_

She screamed, her lungs burning from the effort and the eezo she couldn't help but breathe in. The tiny particles of eezo invaded her every cell, coursed through her veins and took root in her heart, changing her at a level only the technicians and doctors monitoring her could see.

_My baby…my sweet girl…I'm so sorry._

Her agonized, shrill cries echoed down the corridors, past cold figures that went about their business as usual.


	2. Reflections

_Omega Nebula, Sahrabarik System, Aboard the Normandy SR-2, 2185_

Shepard found the clasps of his armour without looking and allowed the pieces to fall to the floor, not caring where they ended up.

He groaned as his chest piece came off and his ribs flared, the hit he'd taken from the heavy mech on Freedom's Progress evidently having broken a few.

He bit the inside of his lip as he slowly worked the sweat soaked undershirt up and over his head, letting out a pained hiss as he tossed it across the room.

He pressed his fingers to his side and counted two broken ribs. As the pain flared up again, he cursed himself for being so sloppy.

While investigating the disappearance of every human in Freedom's Progress, they'd come across a group of quarians led by Tali who were searching for Veetor, a young and nervous member of the Fleet on Pilgrimage. He'd been so relieved to see her again, but her suspicion was evident enough and that had hurt more than he'd expected it to.

_I can't blame her for being cautious…_

They'd broken up into two teams to fight their way past the mechs Veetor had reprogramed only to be confronted with a massive heavy mech. He hated being in a situation like that, confronted by an imposing enemy with two unknowns watching his back. All the training in the world didn't count for anything if you couldn't trust the people behind you.

He hoped they'd end up proving themselves to him. If he was going to take on the Collectors he needed more than their assurances and more trusted faces than just Joker.

Shepard stripped off the remaining pieces of armour and stepped into the bathroom. As he approached the shower, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and stopped.

As much as his instincts told him not to trust Cerberus, he was grateful for being given a second chance. That being said, looking at his reflection made him sick.

Glowing orange lines spread across his chest and arms in bursts that wrapped around his body like cracks in armour, reminding him that he was more cybernetics and tech than man now. The tattoos he'd had when he died remained, bringing back painful memories of his life prior to the Alliance, and while it was evident Miranda and her team had taken great lengths at restoring the detail etched in his skin, he wished she'd left them out.

Now his left arm, tattooed from collar bone to wrist, bore the same evidence of cybernetic upgrades the rest of his body did, bits of technology knitting his skin together and filling in where bone was missing, as well as the images of battling demons, dragons, smoke and fire he'd died with.

The scars that had marred his chest and stomach were gone and the skin over his chiseled stomach was tight and fresh, devoid of all evidence of his years of military service. Gone too was the thick scar that had wrapped around his right thigh, a souvenir from an encounter with batarian bouncer on Omega during his youth. The patches of discolouration that had been on his calves had been erased, all evidence of those thick, rough scars was gone but how he'd earned them – the events of Akuze – remained.

Memories of gore and screams so vivid a shiver ran down his spine trailed through his mind…

He couldn't help but wish Miranda's team had had the decency to omit those memories from his mind, maybe then the nightmares would subside.

But they had only been interested in bringing him back as he had been, not chipping away at memories which might have compromised that.

He turned around and looked over his shoulder to see that the tattoo of a massive sun also remained, dominating the majority of his upper back. Only now a rather large patch of cybernetic lines obscured it, adding its orange glow to the bursts of the sun's rays which had been so lovingly applied to his skin.

Cursing under his breath, Shepard quickly pivoted on his heels and punched the mirror with every ounce of strength he possessed. Fueled by anger and self-loathing, he didn't want to see the evidence of his death and revival any longer. The mirror shattered out in ripples from where his fist made contact, spreading across the mirror until no inch of clear, usable mirror remained.

Shepard clenched his teeth as his knuckles throbbed and blood flowed over his fingers, not bothering with looking down at the damage and instead headed to the shower.

He turned the water on and sighed as the ice cold water flowed down his back. He didn't move to change the temperature even though it made his teeth chatter despite his best efforts to control it. Cold showers were something he'd grown accustomed to in the military. He'd never exceeded the regulation three minute limit placed on such a luxury, never once used an ounce of warm water, because that was what was expected of him as a solider. Discomfort was dealt with, endured, not complained about.

And those limits and regulations - while truly miserable at times - were something Shepard had always abided by and never questioned. The strictness of the order and dedication the Alliance demanded of him gave him something secure and structured to cling onto and shape himself by. It had saved him during a time in his life when self-destruction and anger had dominated him. More than that, he'd found what he was good at - his place in life.

Once - and only once - had he gone against the Alliance regs he'd always believed so strongly in.

Ash…

He pressed his forehead against the cold metal of the shower and closed his eyes. Not knowing where she was ate away at him and was all he had thought about since leaving Lazarus Station. She was his slip up, his one selfish act since joining the Alliance. And his feelings for her had cost him; Kaidan was dead because of him, because of a call he'd made.

His hand pulsed with pain as he clenched his fists so tightly his knuckles went white. Blood seeping between his fingers and was washed away, the cold water numbing his bloodied knuckles.

Two years…he'd lost two years.

The tension waned from his body and he gave a frustrated sigh as the reality of the past twenty-four hours set in.

Two years had come and gone…

And he was smart enough to know he wasn't going to be able to get them back.

~~~~

_Satent System, Pylos Nebula, Nafna Station, 2185_

With a flick of her wrist, Eira sent the wave of mechs approaching her hurdling through the air. They collided with the reinforced wall with a loud thud and screech, metal scraping against metal, pieces of armour plating and tech shattering upon impact and flying out in every direction. She redirected her biotic energy, backing up her shields as pieces of the mechs flew past her.

The siren sounded throughout the hall, signaling the start of another round.

Over the whine of the siren Eira heard the hiss of an access hatch open and the tell-tale sounds of a mech emerging.

She reacted, ducking out of the way with a roll, just in time to avoid a missile the heavy mech had shot at her. It hit the crates piled in the corner of the room, sending large chunks of jagged metal shooting through the air.

Again she flared her barriers and redirected the shrapnel toward the mech, burying them in the mech's joints and causing its movements to slow. It tried to raise its arm to fire off another missile, but it only made it to a point before jamming, a piece of metal jutting out from its shoulder.

Eira spun out of cover and quickly called a mass of biotic energy to her fingertips. She allowed the energy to settle in her palm only for a moment, taking that chance to relish the invigorating feeling of that raw energy coursing through her, before heaving it at the mech with a strained groan. Her biotic blast spiraled through the air and hit the mech with a deafening smack. She remained in control and with a twist of her fingers, forced the blue waves of energy into the holes the shrapnel had left in its armour. The mech's form groaned as she exploited its weaknesses and ripped it apart from the inside.

With one final blast of energy, Eira reduced the mech to a pile of smouldering pieces.

Panting, she stumbled backwards and slouched forward, resting her hands on her knees as she regained control of her erratic heartbeat.

She heard the loudspeaker buzz and crackle as it was activated.

"Enough, Eira, you can come out now."

Taking in a deep breath, she walked to the exit on the other side of the room.

This had been the third time this week she had been in the combat simulation room and she was exhausted. The faint beginning of a migraine pulsed in her temples and was made considerably worse by the bright lights she had been training under. She paused in her step, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger as she tightly clenched her eyes shut.

Damn these lights!

She doubted she could take another round anytime soon, but she knew better than to speak of limitations to Corrine.

She was Project Valkyrie…she had none.

Eira ascended the stairs and entered the control room for the simulator. Corrine quickly dismissed the techs, who all scurried from the room like terrified children, and began typing her findings into the computer.

"You did well today." She said without looking up, "How are you feeling?"

Eira bit the inside of her lip.

Corrine Knowles was the head of Project Valkyrie, a brilliant scientist and the closest thing to a mother Eira had. She was stern, almost cold at times, but she had always insisted that everything she did was for Eira's own good. And Corinne did care about her. When tests and training pushed Eira too hard, she was always there to comfort her through headaches that brought her to her knees and, when she was a little girl, fend of the nightmares and fears of monsters under the bed.

Eira didn't want to let her down.

"It felt amazing taking down that last mech," not a lie, "I felt in control of my biotics, like I was in my element."

Corrine turned to her, a satisfied grin on her face, "Excellent. This is your element, dear. You were moulded for combat; we've fallen woefully behind in preparing you for that, but you've done well." Her smile faded some, "However I sense a 'but' coming up."

Eira shifted uncomfortably on her feet, the weight of Corrine's gaze making her feel incredibly small.

"But…the lights are still a problem." She nervously clasped her hands together and twisted her fingers, "They make the headaches worse."

She took a small step back, preparing herself for the consequences her disappointment was sure to raise. Mainly, that look in Corrine's eyes she dreaded; the look that could make her feel like she was a child again getting scolded for using her biotics to pull pranks on the techs.

Corrine sighed and ran her hands through her dark brown hair, "Have you been meditating like your doctor recommended?"

Eira's gaze fell to the floor, "Y-Yes. Before lights out every night, I promise."

Corrine's fist slammed down on the desk and Eira jumped despite her best efforts not to.

"Then why does this problem remain, Eira!"

Tense silence hung in the air around them.

Eira's lips parted as if to speak, but the words remained caught on the tip of her tongue.

Corrine removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes.

"I'm sorry, dear, I'm just tired. I shouldn't be taking it out on you." She looked back up, the hint of a reassuring smile on her lips, "Head to bed, Eira, you look like death."

Eira forced herself to smile, thanked Corrine, and made the long and lonely walk back to her room.

~~~~

She passed the security checkpoints leading up to her room without saying a word. Her guards knew the routine; they'd been doing it every day and night for as long as she had.

Eira stepped into her room and immediately dimmed the lights. Her head was throbbing, the confrontation with Corrine evidently enough to ignite a full blown migraine, and a stubborn pain had settled in behind her eyes, causing them to tear up.

Groggy and exhausted, Eira stumbled into the bathroom, stripping off pieces of sweat soaked clothing as she went. She brushed back the stray pieces of hair that had worked themselves free of her long braid out of her face and looked at her reflection in the mirror.

Her eyes would have been blue if not for the red tint that distorted them, making them appear lavender to those who only took a quick glance. Her skin was stark pale save for a few sporadic freckles on her shoulders that seemed horribly out of place against skin so white. Eira grumbled under her breath and set about unweaving her hair from the single, long braid that ran down her back. Seemingly devoid of all colour, her silvery white hair only revealed its slight tinges of blond under the right light. She brushed it out using her fingers and frowned.

Corrine had told her it had been a consequence of the eezo she'd be exposed to as a babe in her mother's stomach. The exposure had killed her mother, but Eira survived and had been 'gifted' with biotic abilities so peculiar they were unlike anything ever observed in humans – or so Corrine claimed.

She didn't know what was so special about her biotics; no one had ever come out and told her what made her worthy of any attention.

As far as she was concerned, her biotics were nothing remarkable.

It was just one more thing to blame on element zero.

~~~~

Eira woke up to the sound of panicked voices echoing down the corridor outside her bedroom. She rolled over and reached blindly for her alarm clock, finding it and bringing it closer to read the time through foggy eyes. It was late and she groaned in fatigue and frustration at the interruption.

She rolled over onto her back, squeezed her eyes closed and tried to wish herself back to sleep.

Someone started banging on her door.

Eira opened her eyes and looked at her door, silently hoping to will the person away.

She'd been having a wonderful dream and longed to return to it. In it, her world was bigger than the space station she'd called home her entire life and she had a real mother, even a father. Her skin, hair and eyes had been normal and her headaches – and her biotics – were non-existent.

_Please let me go back to that…_

When the sound didn't fade and instead grew closer, she slipped out of bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." She murmured under her breath in annoyance, more to herself than whoever was banging on her door.

She groaned as the offensive sound made her headache, and by effect, her biotics flare.

Her life had always been quiet. There was the hum of generators, the constant sound of fans coming from the vents above, and the buzzing of whichever machine they had her hooked up to, coupled with the frantic typing of a nameless lab assistant. Only recently had the sounds of the combat simulator been added to that choir, but even now they were at risk of blending into the haze that was her everyday life. That haze, those routines and tests were the noises that filled the days of her life, each of which bled into the other and created a vicious, monotonous cycle.

This new sound had her curious, and scared too if she was honest with herself.

Before she had a chance to reach the door controls, Corrine forced her way through, followed by three armed lab assistants, all of which looked terrified of the very guns they were holding.

"Corrine, what's going on?" Eira asked in a shaky voice, the frazzled look on the scientist's face doing nothing to quiet her own mounting fears.

In the nearly twenty years she had been under Corrine's care, she had never known the woman to wear her emotions so clearly on her face. But now, now she could see everything.

Something was very, very wrong.

"We've got to go, dear." Corrine answered as she crossed the room and grabbed Eira by the wrist, "It isn't safe for you here any more."

Panic shot through her.

She's scared…Corrine is scared…

Eira shook her head as if to clear a fog that muddled her mind, confused by the enter scene that was playing out before her. "What? What do you mean?"

The ground shook and shouts rose from further down the corridor. Corrine shouted over her shoulder for the lab assistants to man the door and then opened the interface of her omni-tool.

"What…what are you doing?" Eira stammered as she watched Corinne work, hopeful for an answer from the woman.

Corrine ignored her and instead spoke into her omni-tool.

"Illusive Man, this is Doctor Corrine Knowles, director of Project Valkyrie on Nafna Station. We've been boarded by an unknown enemy and are suffering heavy losses." She looked at Eira, "Project Valkyrie is secure for the time being but we need backup. Repeat, the project needs extraction!"


	3. Taking the Station

_Omega Nebula, Sahrabarik System, 2185_

Shepard awoke in the midst of a nightmare of the worst sort; that being a memory which replayed itself in his mind again and again.

In it he was trying to reach what remained of his squad on Akuze. He could hear them screaming, hear them fighting back with a hail of gunfire, but the dream always ended as it had in reality – with him standing over the dead bodies of a dozen marines, a dozen friends.

He'd thought he had dealt with the memories and the guilt Akuze left him with but his resurrection seemed to have reopened old wounds and left him with new uncertainties.

Shepard sat up in bed and muttered a curse under his breath as he wiped the cold sweat from his brow.

Fifty marines had died on Akuze and they'd all hailed him as the only survivor, the one who triumphed against a field of raging thresher maws. There he was - an upstanding example of the tenacity and strength of humanity.

Shepard wasn't sure if he'd heard bullshit of a greater magnitude.

"Commander," an elegant, electronic voice sounded in his cabin, "There is an incoming transmission from the Illusive Man."

Shepard sighed, forced energy to his tired body and set about retrieving the scattered pieces of his Cerberus uniform.

He didn't bother trying to conceal the frustration in his voice, "What does he want, EDI?"

He had just received the dossiers from the Illusive Man not long ago. Mordin Solus was already aboard and filing requisition requests faster than EDI could fill them and Shepard had planned on setting out to find "Archangel" next while in the system. There were others he had to find as well, a convict, a warlord, a supposedly expert hacker on the Citadel - many more before he'd expected to hear from the head of Cerberus again.

"Unknown," EDI responded, "But it does seem urgent, Commander, it is being sent through a heavily encrypted channel reserved for mission-critical correspondence."

Shepard hated feeling like he was at the beck-and-call of the Illusive Man. He didn't want to work with them, didn't want anything to do with them. But they were the only one's doing anything to stop the Collectors and the Reapers and working with them was better than sitting around and doing nothing.

Sitting idle had never been programed into him, even prior to his reconstruction.

"Have Joker patch him though," Shepard said with a heavy sigh as he left his cabin, "I'll take it in the comm room."

~~~~

The Illusive Man took a long drag of his cigarette as the emergency transmission from Nafna Station replayed from his console.

_"Project Valkyrie is secure for the time being but we need backup. Repeat, the project needs extraction!"_

The newly arisen complication frustrated him. The Collectors and Lazarus demanded his full attention but he couldn't deny the unique opportunity this new development presented. 'Valkyrie' was important, she was unique and worth the resources he had allocated for the project over the past twenty years – never once had he doubted that. But although she had received tactical training she had never experienced real combat. It was time that was rectified, time to see if his investment had paid off.

After all, Shepard needed the best of the best if he was to succeed and 'Valkyrie's' addition to the crew held the possibility of untold benefits.

If Shepard could get there in time to secure her.

The familiar ringing tone of the comm link sounded, interrupting the recording of Knowles. The Illusive Man turned in his chair to face the hologram of Shepard, tapping off the ashes of his cigarette before taking another long, savouring drag.

"Shepard," He started, the Commander's name hanging in the air for one tense moment, "I've been informed that Mordin Solus has taken residence in the Normandy's tech lab."

Shepard crossed his arms, "Let's cut to the chase, Illusive Man. Keep this as short as we can."

The Illusive Man gave a curt nod, "As 'to the point' as ever, Shepard. It's good to see more proof of Operative Lawson's success in resorting you to the man you were."

"Get to the point, Illusive Man."

"I've received an emergency transmission from one of our top secret research labs in the Pylos Nebula. Nafna Station, orbiting Raisaris, has been overrun by an unknown enemy, a group of mercenaries unidentified at present. We've not heard from the head of the facility, Doctor Corrine Knowles, since she sent her initial emergency transmission."

He punched in the command on his console, and the recording replayed for Shepard to hear.

_"Illusive Man, this is Doctor Corinne Knowles, director of Project Valkyrie on Nafna Station. We've been boarded by an unknown enemy and are suffering heavy losses. Project Valkyrie is secure for the time being but we need backup. Repeat, the project needs extraction!"_

The panic in the woman's voice was obvious enough and the faint sound of gunfire in the background was likely the cause of it. Shepard had never heard of this 'Project Valkyrie' before, but he wasn't surprised that Cerberus had other, secret projects going on other than Lazarus, the project in which he was brought back.

"What is 'Valkyrie'?" He asked, hoping for more information about what or who these mercenaries wanted so desperately that they would raid a likely well-fortified Cerberus station.

"You have to understand, Shepard, this project is top secret. Not even Miss Lawson knows of its existence."

"If I'm going to retrieve 'Valkyrie' I need to know a bit about it." Shepard rationalized.

The Illusive Man hesitated. He wanted to keep his cards close to his chest, but he also knew Shepard was right. Still, that didn't mean Shepard needed to know everything, just enough to execute the mission successfully.

"'Valkyrie' isn't a 'what' or 'it' but a 'who'. She was born in May of 2163, making her twenty-two years old at present. Her mother was exposed to levels of eezo and radiation in a lab accident when she was five months pregnant. She survived long enough to give birth to 'Valkyrie'."

Shepard was skeptical. He knew what the Illusive Man was getting to and was curious what made someone so young a potential recruit for the mission. "What makes this girl worth the investment?"

"The element and radiation gave her biotic abilities like nothing humanity has ever seen, Shepard. She's unique, one of a kind. Definitely someone worth picking up to take on the Collectors, don't you think?"

"Has she had combat training? I can't have a weak link on this mission."

The Illusive Man butted his cigarette, flicking remnants aside. "I wouldn't send you after her if I didn't think she'd be worth it, Shepard. Recent reports coming out of Nafna have 'Valkyrie's' combat simulation scores as being impressive. It's time she was put to the test in the field and I'll be damned if I let common thugs steal such a valuable resource away from us."

Us? Or you? Shepard thought to himself.

"You've convinced me," He relented, "How will I know who 'Valkyrie' is once I'm there?"

"As a consequence of her exposure to such high levels of radioactive materials in the womb, the girl has albinism. Her hair, skin and eyes lack pigment. Believe me, she'll stick out."

Shepard nodded, "Understood. Does she have a name?"

"Of course. Her guardians named her Eira."

~~~~

Satent System, Pylos Nebula, on approach to Nafna Station

The shuttle hummed with a rhythmic pulse that was all too familiar to him. It had always had the power to banish even the most intense feelings of unease and was something Shepard relied on regularly to center himself before hitting the ground.

"EDI, what else can you tell us about 'Valkyrie'?" Shepard asked as his heart rate evened out, the hum of the shuttle's engine doing its job.

EDI's hologram image appeared in the shuttle.

"'Project Valkyrie', also named 'Eira', was born on Nafna Station in 2163. Name is derived from human Norse mythology. 'Eir' – goddess of medicine and a Valkyrie – an angel like being said to have the power to choose who lives and dies in battle." She paused, contemplating what she'd say next, "Ironically, according to my findings the name 'Eira' means 'snow' in Welsh."

Miranda gave a sarcastic chuckle as she popped a thermal clip into her pistol, "Most definitely a reference to her albinism. Whoever named her must have had a sense of humor."

"Anything else?" Shepard asked as he went over his own weapons.

"Going over submitted reports from Dr. Knowles, it seems Eira's biotic abilities are remarkable. They manifested young, when she was only two years old."

"How is that possible?" Jacob asked, "The abilities of biotics appear in adolescence."

"I am merely going off of Cerberus reports I've been provided with, Operative Taylor," EDI explained, "there is little explanation of why they appeared so young in her or what implant she has to harness such power. The levels of element zero and radiation she and her mother were exposed to are astronomically high however, perhaps that is why."

"It was enough to kill her mother," Shepard pointed out, "don't most women exposed to eezo while pregnant survive themselves?"

His thoughts drifted back to Kaidan and he swallowed hard as he looked away from Jacob and Miranda, trying to hide how unsettled that memory made him.

"They do," Jacob said, "my mother's still alive and kickin'. If her mother died, she was likely at the center of the leak, not downwind like most. Containment procedures in the event of lab accidents are advanced though. Beats me why her mother was so heavily exposed."

Miranda scowled, "None of this matters right now. If she's strong, great, we need all the help we can get to take down the Collectors. Knowing why isn't going to help us get her out of the station. We can ask questions later."

"Of course," Jacob nodded to her and turned to Shepard, "What's our plan of attack, Commander?"

EDI pulled up the station's schematics. Inside, the station was a maze of winding corridors and side passages. In its center there appeared to be a large single room from which all hallways sprouted out from – a core of sorts.

"I suggest entering here, Shepard," she highlighted an entrance on the far side of the base, "the living quarters are nearby and it is likely you will find the girl thereabouts."

"Not in this main chamber?" Miranda pointed to the large room, seemingly the core of the station.

"Unlikely, station scans indicate it is uninhabitable – full of radioactive gases that are likely bleed off from the station's true core. The dark energy inside appears highly imbalanced with static energy. I recommend avoiding this area."

"That complicates things." Shepard said in a grumble, "If it is a bleed the station's a ticking time bomb. Funny the Illusive Man didn't mention it…"

"Maybe he didn't know." Jacob offered.

"The Illusive Man doesn't strike me as the type to be left in the dark on any aspect of a project." Shepard said with a frown, unsettled by the development, "Especially one he claims to place high importance on."

"Again these are questions for another time," Miranda stood and approached the hatch, "We're nearly there," she said with a glance at the monitors, "Let's get this done."

"Agreed." Jacob stood to join her, "Maybe this 'Valkyrie' will have some answers for us."

A muted hiss echoed through the shuttle as the engine died down to make a controlled approach to the station's docking port. It jerked slightly as it made contact, and then it was silent.

Shepard knew that while their approach may have been cloaked, their docking was undoubtedly noted by the mercenaries within and that trouble would be approaching them quickly.

"There's only one way to find out," Shepard cocked his shotgun, "Let's lock and load."

The hatch opened and the sounds of gunfire and screams filled the shuttle.

Shepard raised his gun, "Move out!"

~~~~

Eira scurried under the desk, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging them tightly so she was as small as possible. She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed for the nightmare to end. Outside the room, gunfire continued and was punctuated by pained, sudden screams as lab personnel fell to the mercenaries that flooded into the facility.

She had been separated from Corrine in the chaos and the gun the doctor had pressed into her hands had long since run out of ammo.

_What do these people want from me!_

Another scream ripped through the air and she covered her ears with her hands.

Tears fell unbidden down her cheeks as her mind raced to find a way out, a way to find Corrine and get somewhere safe.

_What do I do? What do I do!_

She bit her lip as her biotics flared, her panic drawing the energy out of her, urging it out of her every pore. It flowed over her skin until she was covered in a strong barrier. It did nothing to mute the sounds of battle, but it made her feel more secure, safe.

Eira poked her head out around the corner of the desk and saw the mercenaries flooding into the docking bay through the large window in the office that looked down on the massive open space. The hatch opened and three seemingly well-armed soldiers entered the bay, drawing the fire of the mercs who had gunned down the majority of the station's staff. She saw them take cover behind the crates and begin picking off those who stood against them. She was too far away however to see if their armour bore the Cerberus logo.

_Who are they?_

They were taking down the mercs, but were they a new enemy? Another group who wanted to steal her away?

Corrine…I need to find Corrine. She'll know if I can trust them.

Eira swallowed hard, gathering up her courage, and slipped out of the office.


	4. Beginning of the End

Eira hurried down the corridor, her bare feet treading softly on the cold metal floor. In the distance behind her, she could hear the sounds of gunfire dying down and voices rising. She knew what that meant, that likely the mercenaries had killed everyone, and she immediately feared for Corrine.

As hard as Corrine pushed her, the doctor and the life she'd led on the station was all Eira had ever known. Corrine was cold but constant, distant yet strangely reassuring. It didn't seem possible that she could be taken from her or that the life she had known could crumble away into something else; and yet Eira couldn't deny the feeling of impending change that was washing over her. The tide was coming in and would inevitably sweep away everything she'd ever known. The sense of its uneasy approach made her stomach churn and her heart race.

What life would be left for her without the station? Without Corrine and the seemingly endless tests and trials she put before her?

She slipped into a stairwell and paused, leaning against the wall as she caught her breath.

The answer was obvious enough and yet admitting it to herself was a monumental task. Her body trembled as every ounce of strength in her body threatened to leave her.

Whomever it was attacking the station, they clearly had no intentions of taking hostages. Eira had passed the bodies of dozens of Cerberus personnel since fleeing the docking bay. This was no simulation, people were dying and she had no reason to assume she would be spared a similar fate.

Before they had been separated, Corrine had seemed to believe that the mercs were after her, but Eira assumed that had to be a mistake. However unique she might be, surely she wasn't worth slaughtering dozens of people? Her life couldn't have been worth more than all of theirs, no amount of skill could justify loss of life at such a disgusting scale!

Eira continued down the stairs. She had never been in this part of the facility before and wasn't sure where she was headed but she knew she had to move. Staying still guaranteed the mercs would find her and while sprinting through the facility blind was a weak plan, it was something.

She inhaled sharply as fear sunk deeper into her bones, and forced one foot in front of the other.

~~~~

Corrine had lost her colleagues early on. She hadn't mourned for them, not as they fell one by one around her. They were dead weight from the beginning, expendable. Unfortunately she had also lost 'Valkyrie' – the only thing of value on the entire station.

Pissed off and still in disbelief that this day had come so soon, she paused to collect herself. She crouched down low behind a stack of crates in the smaller secondary hanger and checked her supply of thermal clips.

"Fuck!" She hissed as she was faced with a mere single clip remaining, the others clanging together empty in her lab coat pocket.

She'd never had the chance to hear if her message to the Illusive Man had gotten through, but she wasn't going to wait around for help to arrive. There were half a dozen shuttles operational in the bay she was in now, all that remained was finding Valkyrie before the mercs did.

Over twenty years she had sunk into this project. She'd given up everything, staking her career and her life on the chance the kid would amount to what her superiors suspected she could be. Now that real progress was being had, now that Valkyrie was truly flourishing, everything Corrine had worked for was at risk of disintegrating.

_Fuck the mercs, this is my project! My life's work!_

Corrine peaked out from cover, the faint sounds of gunfire growing all the more distant, and saw a single man enter the hanger, his gaze fixed on her as if he had known she was there all along.

His gun wasn't raised but remained in his hand, held loose and relaxed at his side. She guessed he was in his late forties at most, as there was only a slight hint of grey in his well-kept brown hair and only a few thin lines around his eyes and mouth. He was clean shaved, a unique trait to see from a mercenary, and the closer he got the clearer his confident smirk became.

Corrine raised her gun.

"Not one step closer, you bastard." She warned as her finger tensed on the trigger. "You'll tell me why the fuck you're on my station and maybe I'll let you live. I'm sure the Illusive Man would love to hear first-hand how someone so small thought he had the balls to take on Cerberus."

The man chuckled, seemingly not threatened by her bluster.

"Just as full of shit as he said you'd be," he mused, "Dr. Corrine Knowles, the brilliant mind behind some of Cerberus's most disgusting 'experiments'." He gave an exaggerated bow, "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"So you know who I am, what of it?"

The man quirked an eyebrow, curious, "Don't you wish to know who I am?"

Corrine snorted, "What I 'wish' is for you to get the fuck off my station, but I don't get the feeling you'd oblige me."

"Oh, I have every intention of leaving," the man admitted, "once I have 'Valkyrie' of course."

Corrine shook her head, "Not going to happen, asshole."

"It's Doctor Marin," he said coolly, "and I'm here for a friend. You might not know him…but you should be familiar with his wife."

Corrine's eyes went wide and her firearm lowered ever so slightly.

"Kathryn Eklund?" Marin took a step forward, hate and disgust for her resonating from every pore of his body, "You tortured her for months to bring 'Valkyrie' into the world. I've seen the files, Knowles. I know what the eezo and radiation did to Eira."

"You know nothing," Corrine spat angrily, "Everything we did was to benefit humanity!"

"We?" He shouted, the veins in his neck bulging from his boiling anger, his voice echoing throughout the hanger, "You, Corrine, you gave the orders. I might be too late to help Kathryn, but I can do right by her by freeing her daughter from your control."

Marin glared, seeing the distant look in her eyes, and squeezed off a single shot that connected with Corrine's hand and sent her weapon flying off to the side. She screamed and fell to the ground, clutching her bloodied, mangled hand against her chest.

"Fuck, fuck!" Corrine hissed under her breath as she scrambled to back away from him as he approached.

Marin kept his weapon poised, his finger teasingly caressing the trigger. He made a promise to see this through, to break Eira out of the station, but he couldn't deny his intense desire to see the end of the woman before him for himself. Images replayed in his mind of the reports and files he'd managed to gather regarding Project Valkyrie. His friend emaciated and in pain on a gurney, chemicals being pumped into her body in order to manipulate the life growing within her. He wasn't certain those images could ever be washed from his mind.

"You couldn't have truly thought this day wouldn't come." Marin asked as he looked down the length of his gun at her, "It's time to pay for your crimes, Corrine." His body tensed as certainty settled in his bones, "Julian sends his regards."

He pulled the trigger and Corrine lurched backwards, dead before she hit the ground.

~~~~

Eira stopped in her tracks, momentarily taken aback by the sudden single gunshot echoing down the corridor.

_What the hell?_

She took a tentative step forward before stopping herself. Running towards it or running away…what was the right thing to do?

The part of her that was terrified wanted to get as far away from it as possible, and that part was very large inside her heart. But the small, lingering chance that Corrine could be at the source of the gunshot, perhaps taking down an enemy, prompted her to continue in its direction.


	5. Valkyrie Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and his crew come face to face with Project Valkyrie.

Shepard halted, the single blast of a gun stopping him in his tracks.

"What the hell was that?" Jacob questioned from behind him, his gun raised and eyes scanning the intersection of hallways they had come to.

The entire station had been a maze of narrow hallways and winding side passages. On more than one occasion it had only been due to the schematics EDI provided that they didn't veer off course or find themselves at a dead end.

Looking at the schematics on his omni-tool, Shepard saw that they were just outside of what they suspected to be the living quarters. A small hanger was nearby and likely contained the station's escape shuttles. If anyone was still alive chances were good that was where they were heading.

"It came from down there," Miranda nodded to the hallway on her left, "Could be one of the mercs finishing off one of the station's staff."

She pointed in the direction of the hanger the maps had shown.

"Or 'Valkyrie' herself," Shepard said, determination, starting down the corridor Miranda had indicated, "Come on, we're running out of time."

~~~~

Marin stepped forward and looked down at the still-warm body of Corrine Knowles. His shot had hit her square in the chest, tearing through bone and obliterating a heart he had been doubtful had ever existed. Blood bubbled to the surface, saturating the crisp white of her lab coat and blouse and trickling down her sides.

A single shot had done it, had rid the galaxy of a woman so blinded by the propagandised bullshit Cerberus had been feeding her that she hadn't been able to clearly see the evil she had committed.

He took a small step back as the puddle of blood blossoming out from around her threatened to touch his boots.

_Dead. Finally dead. Good riddance._

But that was merely step one of his mission. There was still Eira to find, contain and return to her rightful place. It was only then that he could truly say he had done right by Kathryn.

The sound of hurried footsteps pulled him from his thoughts and he spun around, raising his gun just in time to see a small party of well-armed soldiers enter the hanger. They spotted him and raised their weapons.

One of the party, a woman clad in a skin-tight black and white suit, had a Cerberus logo plastered over her breast and a Cerberus issued pistol tight in her grasp. He recognized her: Miranda Lawson. He had seen her only in passing a time or two, but knew she was close to the Illusive Man, part of something so heavily encrypted and classified that he hadn't been able to get past the firewalls on its files.

Next to her stood Jacob Taylor, another name Marin was familiar with. He'd never felt the need to pay Taylor any mind however, as the former Alliance soldier turned Cerberus puppet was nothing more than a pawn in a far greater game.

Neither of them mattered. As far as he was concerned, they were followers of the same bullshit, the same lies Knowles had followed so strictly.

No, they didn't matter.

The third person in their party, the one undoubtedly leading it, did however.

Marin smirked, strangely pleased that he had been right – the rumors were true.

_Julian owes me two hundred creds._

"Commander Shepard," Marin took a small step to the side, his gun still raised, "Fancy meeting you here."

Shepard tentatively approached, gun poised and finger readied on the trigger. He saw the body behind the stranger, saw the blood. The situation before him was tense, but he took a deep steadying breath and willed weak feelings like apprehension and uncertainty from his body. He stood confident, in control, cool. Here he was a commander; there was room for nothing else. Training, and loss, had taught him that.

His gaze fixed on the stranger before him, "You have me at a disadvantage…?"

"Doctor Nikolai Marin," he gave a small nod in place of a bow, "Former Cerberus puppet, current…well, I suppose you could call me a gun for hire." He smirked, "I'd heard you were dead. Never thought some like you would be working for Cerberus."

"With, not for." Shepard corrected sharply, "Are these mercs under your command?"

"They are." Marin answered coolly, "Here to help me reclaim what was…stolen from a good friend of mine."

"You mean Valkyrie?" Miranda asked from behind Shepard, a wry smile on her lips, "The girl isn't yours to take. Project Valkyrie belongs to Cerberus. And she'll be coming with us."

"She's a human being," Marin snapped at Miranda, her confidence striking a nerve, "She can't belong to anyone! But I can see how you'd think that, Cerberus was always willing to disregard the rights of a few to better humanity." Marin laughed, "Ah, the selfless claims of the Illusive Man! And you believe it without question! Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe what you're willing to sacrifice is the very thing you should be protecting?"

Shepard was immediately struck by the overwhelming pain in the man's voice. Miranda and Jacob might have merely seen a mad man ranting, but to Shepard that pain could only come from truth. The doctor's glare was intense, the anger and hatred he held for Cerberus clear and undeniable. It consumed him, causing his body to shake in fury as he stood before them.

This man, regardless of where his loyalties lied or who he truly was, clearly knew more about 'Valkyrie' than he was saying. But the way he referred to her made Shepard think that perhaps he held a personal connection to the girl.

Not knowing for sure though made him feel like he was fighting in the dark. Shepard knew the Illusive Man hadn't revealed everything about the project, that much was plainly obvious, and that fact alone compelled him to want to learn more, to discover why Valkyrie was worth so much effort and secrecy.

"What the hell is he talking about?" Jacob hissed under his breath, glaring at Miranda from the corner of his eye questioningly.

She shook her head, a scowl on her face, "The man's lost his mind."

Shepard ignored them, his gaze never straying from Marin.

"Why is she worth protecting, Marin?" He asked sternly, his tone leaving no room for the doctor to dodge or delay.

Marin laughed, "Did the Illusive Man not have the courtesy to fill you in Shepard?" He didn't wait for an answer, knowing it already, "Eira is truly one of a kind. Her biotics aren't –

From above them, the massive glass wall of an office overlooking the hanger exploded, sending thousands of shards of glass and metal raining down on them. Marin attempted to leap out of the way, moving quickly to get out of the falling cloud of debris and taking cover near a metal crate. Shepard shouted as he moved, his voice drowned out by the echoing crash of a hundred pounds of rubble hitting the ground, catching only glimpses of Miranda and Jacob following as he ducked and rolled out of the way.

There was a brief moment of silence, broken by a heart-wrenching scream that faded into a deep, guttural sob.

Just as Shepard registered the cry through the chaos, the air in the room changed. He felt it shift, as if being sucked upward, toward the source of the scream.

He moved to look up, but only caught a quick glimpse of something, or someone, stark white before all hell broke loose.

A pulse of energy, marked by crisp blue waves that spread outward like ripples in water, struck Shepard, a great weight hitting him square in the chest, throwing him back violently. He grunted as his back made contact with the wall, his breath being torn from his chest by the sheer force of the hit. He fell to the ground in a heap, gasping desperately, his shocked body trying hurriedly to suck in air.

_Breathe…just….breathe…_

He blinked once, twice to clear the fog that clouded his vision and looked up, searching the hanger for the source of the blast while pawing at the ground around him, grasping for his weapon with a sense of panic that brought him back to Akuze.

Screams…so much blood…the agonizing burn of maw acid hitting flesh…its venom sinking into his blood…

"Shepard!"

He shook off the memory and saw Jacob approaching him. The Cerberus operative's focus was elsewhere however, fixed upward. Shepard saw how wide his eyes were, saw him hesitate and ultimately slowly lower his firearm.

Shepard turned to see what had shaken him.

Suspended in the air by pulses of biotic energy that wrapped around her body like a shroud, a young girl slowly descended from the ruined office, her movements precise and controlled. Her long silvery hair was loose around her, flowing freely behind her as she made her descent. Her skin was in stark contrast to the dark shirt and shorts she wore, so pale that from a distance it looked truly white.

"Looks like Valkyrie found us…" Jacob muttered under his breath to no one in particular.

Shepard got to his feet, Valkyrie's appearance pulling him mercifully back to the present and to the mission at hand. His head throbbed from the hit he'd taken, but he pushed that aside for the moment, focusing instead on the young girl whose anger he could now see clearly.

Her eyes were glowing, their true colour impossible to discern with the smoke-like wisps of biotic energy emanating from them. Her brow was furrowed and as her bare feet touched the cold metal ground, he could see tear streaks running down her dust covered cheeks.

Marin stumbled forward, moving closer to Valkyrie and the cooling body of Knowles.

"Eira!" He exclaimed with a bright smile, his entire posture relaxed as if a great weight had been eased from his shoulders. "Thank God! I've come to free you!"

The young girl ignored him but her biotics ceased flaring and her hands fell to a relax position at her sides. Her focus didn't falter from the body of Knowles.

Shepard looked at Valkyrie.

With the fog from his mind cleared, Shepard could see that albinism had left her skin, hair and eyes without colour. That, coupled with her impressive biotic display, left little doubt in his mind that this was the girl they were looking for.

Her silence concerned him and he moved to the side, hoping for a better look at her face. Her eyes were wide, her red tinted irises gleaming with the sheen of tears barely held back. Her lips were slightly parted and he could see her chin trembling – shock ripping through her small frame like a blade.

She sank to her knees, seemingly unaware that she was kneeling in a pool of blood, and tentatively reached out to touch the dead woman's face. Lingering warmth remained in the woman's body and Eira recoiled in surprise, only to have her gaze fall upon the crater of a wound in Knowles' chest.

A soft, wounded whine left her and she slowly wrapped her arms around herself.

Shepard holstered his weapon. The girl was in shock, that much was obvious, and he didn't want to make her feel threatened anymore that she already did.

"Eira?" He started softly, mindful not to startle her, "Eira, I need you to look at me."

She swallowed hard and looked at him from the corner of her eye, not trusting herself with any greater movement.

"I'm Commander Shepard. The Illusive Man asked me to come here to bring you somewhere safe –

"He's lying!" Marin shouted, pointing an accusatory finger at Shepard, "The Illusive Man only wants to –

"You killed her…" Eira bowed her head. Tears slipped down her cheeks and fell onto the bloody lab coat of the closest thing to a mother she had ever known. "She was my everything and you killed her…"

Dismayed by her words, Marin pulled back. His confusion and hurt were painted on his face and he tried to reach her again, having come too far to let anything, even Valkyrie herself, get in the way of him saving her.

"That woman is a murderer, Eira," he said with a venomous hiss, "She tortured your real mother, and she exposed you to chemicals while you were in your mother's womb! It was all to turn you into a weapon for Cerberus to use, to manipulate!"

Eira clasped her hands over her ears and clenched her eyes shut, her confusion and pain causing her biotics to flare. Blue wisps of energy whipped out around her and struck Marin, throwing him off balance and crashing to the ground.

"You killed her!" Eira growled through clenched teeth, "She was all I had and you killed her!"

She looked up at Marin, her eyes glowing vibrant blue.

She felt it, that beautiful surge of energy she'd once been so afraid of. It was flowing through her, seeping into every pore in a rush stronger than anything she'd ever experienced. It was stronger than adrenaline and coursed through her veins in a flash, overwhelming her mind with a sudden draining force.

Eira sprung to her feet and drew back her arm. Her fingers tingled with biotic energy and she pulled it into her palm, into a pure orb of force, before striking, moving as if to punch Marin but instead hitting him with a single, massive pulse of biotic power.

He went flying, cutting through the air like a bullet leaving a gun and careening into the wall with enough force to crack the metal and concrete as well as the protective coating of his armor.

Eira inhaled sharply and turned to face Shepard.

Instead of ebbing and fading away like it usually did, her powers flared. Every nerve sparked to life and she opened her eyes wide and screamed as control was ripped from her. Blasts of her biotics burst forth from her, striking the ceiling and shuttles indiscriminately.

Shepard narrowly missed a blast himself, rolling out of the way at the last possible second.

He heard Joker's voice in his earpiece.

"Commander? What the hell is going on down there? We're getting all kinds of strange readings!"

Shepard grunted as a blast clipped his shoulder, ripping away a small chunk of his shoulder guard. He felt his shoulder blade slip out of place and bit his lip to stifle a scream.

He cursed under his breath, and then quickly pressed his fingers to his earpiece.

"Get the Normandy's shuttle in position, Joker!" He looked to Eira and saw that the energy surges were still wracking her body, "This isn't going to be a clean exit!"

"Aye, aye!" Joker stammered before shouting a command to the ensigns and signing out.

Shepard stepped forward, approaching Eira.

"You need to calm down, kid!" He said in a calm but stern voice, "No one is going to hurt you, you have my word!"

Pitiful sobs tore from the distraught biotic and with a violent shake she fell to her knees. Her biotics waned some, but slow whorls of energy still spun slowly around her.

Shepard took a quick glanced back at Miranda and Jacob, making sure they were both alright and had his back, before stepping closer to Eira. His left shoulder throbbed with a sharp pain, his dislocated joint screaming for medical attention, but he pressed forward.

Her biotics quickly dying down, Shepard recognized what he had seen earlier – a young girl overwhelmed and completely devastated by the scene before her. Sobs wracked her small frame and her eyes had returned to normal.

Willing to take the risk of opening himself up to an attack, he knelt before her. He heard Miranda protest, but ignored her to focus on the biotic before him.

Under a red tinted lens her eyes looked almost lavender. They remained wide with shock but he could also see exhaustion and hopelessness there too.

"Eira?"

She meekly looked up at him, then hissed and clutched her head. Her skull pounded fiercely and her vision blurred so badly she was having trouble making out the face of the man before her.

Who had he said he was? She thought for a moment. Shepard! Commander….Cerberus…

Mind overloaded, her biotics fizzled out and her head spun.

Shepard reached out to steady her, "Woh, hang in there, kid."

She closed her eyes to block out the blinding light of the room, unknowingly leaning into Shepard's hand as she fought to keep herself upright.

"You…" she breathed softly, "You are with Cerberus?"

"I'm working with them, yes." He clutched her shoulder to keep her from falling forward on her face, "Come on, kid, let's get you out of here."

"Commander we have to get out of here!" Miranda shouted and pointed to the hanger's ceiling, "This place isn't stable!"

Shepard saw what she was pointing at and quickly pulling the girl forward. She didn't protest and allowed him to awkwardly pull her into his arms. Her head rested on his shoulder and he stood, forcing his left arm to cooperate and support the weight of her legs as he lifted her. Mercifully she was light enough that the pain wasn't as bad as he'd feared.

He looked down to make sure she was well only to see that she had passed out; her arms limp around his neck.

He hurried out the way they had come; Miranda and Jacob close behind him. He heard the ceiling give out just as they left the hanger and tightened his grip on the unconscious girl in his arms.


	6. The Wild Card, Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eira wakes up in Normandy's med-bay.

Consciousness returned to her slowly, the fog of confusion lifting from her as if a shroud was dissipating around her.

She tried to open her eyes, but they fluttered closed weakly. Her head throbbed with a fierceness that called tears to her eyes and she covered her eyes with her hands, rubbing the moisture away.

Her eyes squeezed tight to keep out even the smallest ray of light, she relied on her other senses to gauge her surroundings.

She could hear voices, the grunt of a man in pain, and the gentle hum of machines and computers. That hum was familiar to her. On the station, in the room that had been hers, the hum of the vents had often lulled her to sleep. In the medical exam room, where Corrine had run so many tests on her, it had been the soft thrum of the scanners so often run across her body.

Her mind immediately reached out for what was familiar and she found herself worried that she would be late for one of her lessons with Corrine. But the events at Nafna Station began to worm their way back into her mind and she remembered, with a heavy heart, that Corrine and that life had been torn from her.

Eira opened her eyes only to be blinded by the fluorescent lights that hung about her. She moved her hand to shield her eyes and, squinting, she made out the shadows of two figures in the room.

"Commander, please, you're not making this any easier!" An older woman with short grey hair chided. "Surely this isn't the worst injury you've suffered?"

The man she was speaking to grunted and shifted on his feet.

Eira rubbed her eyes to clear the blur that obscured her vision. Tentatively, she tried to better make out the figures.

The man was shirtless, wearing only armoured greaves and boots from a hard-suit. He was extremely fit, his arms and chest tight with well sculpted muscle. Pictures decorated his left arm from shoulder to wrist and while she couldn't make them out, she could tell they were very detailed. His dark hair was cropped closely to his head and his face was…

The man, having felt the weight of her gaze on him, looked up to catch her staring at him.

Eira blushed and immediately averted her gaze, chewing fiercely on her lip.

Just as his lips parted to speak, the older woman finally worked his shoulder back into its socket and the man shouted a cursed and winced, his handsome features twisting in pain.

The woman gave a warm smirk and patted the man's uninjured shoulder, "There. Now that wasn't so hard was it, Commander?"

He reached for his shirt and began the slow, painful task of putting it on without aggravating his shoulder too badly.

He hesitated, wringing the shirt in his hands and staring off into nothingness, before shaking his head.

"Not the worst, no."

His voice was quiet and solemn and Eira had a feeling his response was more to himself than the older woman.

"Our guest is awake," the man said with a grunt, nodding in her direction, "Get your questions ready, Doc."

The woman turned around quickly and smiled, clasping her hands together as she took a step toward her.

"Wonderful," she fetched a data-pad from her desk and started looking over the readings on the screens hooked up to monitor Eira's vitals, "You had us worried there, child. I am Doctor Karin Chakwas and you're on the SSV Normandy." The Doctor looked over her shoulder to the man, who had finally succeeded in donning his shirt. "I believe you have already met Commander Shepard. He and his crew got you off of that station."

The man she called Shepard was tentatively rubbing his sore arm. His discomfort was written plainly on his face, but as he sat down on the table across from her it seemed like he had pushed it to the back of his mind.

"Oh, we've met," Shepard gestured to his bad shoulder, "You threw me across the hanger, remember?"

Eira gasped, "I…oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to!" She hung her head, "I wasn't sure who you were, but it wasn't you I wanted to hurt…I just…"

"Couldn't control it," Shepard finished for her, "I know, and it's alright. Like Chakwas said, this is hardly the worst I've been dealt."

Eira looked up and saw that he was smiling, his lips quirked in a small smirk that made her insides twist into a tight bundle in her stomach. Growing up in relative seclusion on the station, she'd only ever been surrounded by the same distant group of technicians. To many she was next to invisible, to most she was merely a test subject. It was silly, and the very thought made her feel like a blubbering little girl, but he was the most handsome man she'd ever seen.

"Well…all the same, I'm very sorry." She brushed her hair out of her face, sneaking a quick rub of her cheek to try to banish the flush she knew still lingered there. "If I may ask, w-why were you on the station in the first place?"

"To find you," Shepard said, his tone growing more serious as they got to the matter at hand, "The Illusive Man said you might be a benefit to our mission and after what I saw on Nafna I'm inclined to agree."

Mission? Whatever it was, Eira could tell it was serious. All sense of friendly warmth the commander had been emitting not moments before had vanished, now he was all business. His talk of missions made her nervous. She was no one special, regardless of what Corrine had insisted all those times. Her biotics were strong, yes, but she knew nothing of the world outside Nafna Station…what real benefit could she have to these people?

Eira cleared her throat and reluctantly found her voice, "Mission?"

Shepard leaned forward, his elbows propped on his knees as he looked at her.

"I'm assembling a team of mercenaries, scientists and assassins to take on the Collectors. We have reason to believe they are working for the Reapers and have been systematically abducting human colonies along the fringes of Terminus space. I want you on my team, Eira."

Eira blinked repeatedly, struggling to take in his words. She was shocked by the seriousness in his voice and confused by the weight of his words. What was a Reaper? Or a Collector for that matter?

Shepard evidently saw her confusion.

His brow furrowed and he slowly shook his head, clearly in disbelief. "You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? You don't even know who I am?"

Eira hesitated, slightly embarrassed that she was so clueless, but ultimately shook her head. "Until now I've never been off of the station you found me on," she explained, "Corrine never let me use the…extranet, I think you call it. I only knew what she told me." She gave a small shrug and looked meekly up at the commander, "I'm sorry…clearly this is all important and something I should know but…"

Her voice wavered and tears welled up in her eyes.

"Everything's changed," she stammered, her chin trembling as she spoke, "Corrine is dead…"

Chakwas sat down her datapad and reached out to her, tenderly rubbing her back. "I'm so sorry, dear. This has been terrible for you."

"Corrine," Shepard said softly, "Was she the dead woman in the hanger?"

Eira nodded, "Doctor Corrine Knowles…" She roughly brushed her tears aside, "She was in charge of taking care of me and conducting my training, as well as a bunch of tests I never fully understood." She shook her head, trying to shake the horrible feeling of dread that was looming over her and make sense of the events of the past twenty-four hours.

Chakwas shared a look with Shepard before speaking, "Can you tell us about her, and of your life on the station, Eira? Why were you secluded?" She kept rubbing circles on Eira's back, "Do you truly know nothing about the Reapers or…well, anything other than that station?"

Eira shrugged, "Corrine said I was special, I never fully understood why exactly. I was born on the station; at least…at least I think I was. I've never been anywhere else that I can remember. I was allowed to read, but like I said, I wasn't allowed to use the extranet." She wracked her brain for answers and insights she felt were on the tip of her tongue, "I read about different species and planets. About the asari, turians, ancient races, human history and the discovery of mass effect fields, but nothing about 'Collectors' or 'Reapers'. When I wasn't studying, Corrine ran tests and simulations. I think…maybe she was preparing me for something, I don't know what though."

Shepard sighed, "Eira, look at me," when she did he continued, "I'm going to fill you in. It'll be a lot to throw at you, but you need to know what's going on. Let me speak, and then Chakwas and I will answer any questions you have."

Eira looked back to Chakwas, and upon receiving her smile, turned to Shepard and nodded.

"Fifty-thousand years ago, the race known as the Protheans was whipped out."

That much Eira knew. She'd read about them in one of the books Corrine had provided her. They'd built the mass relays, gigantic machines able to propel ships all over the galaxy at lightning fast speeds, and something called the Citadel which she understood to be a massive spaceport. All that was left of their empire was ruins now, ruins which Eira had always dreamt of seeing.

Shepard went on, "We never knew what had destroyed them, until nearly three years ago when I encountered a beacon on Eden Prime and was shown a vision. They were destroyed by the Reapers, sentient machines which exterminate the most advanced races in existence every fifty-thousand years. Three years ago my team and I stopped an attempt to open a gateway for them from dark space." He paused, as if unsure of how to continue, "And then, two years ago, I died."

Eira's eyes opened wide. She moved to speak, but Shepard raised his hand to silence her.

"Cerberus recovered my body. They gave me my life back. In return I agreed to look into the rash of missing human colonies for them, and ultimately discovered that the Collectors were responsible. Now, we're all convinced they are working for the Reapers, but we need to go beyond the Omega 4 relay in order to find concrete answers and stop them at the source. No ship has ever returned from a trip through the relay, but I'm assembling a team to do just that."

Eira tried to hurriedly process everything he'd just said. It all seemed so farfetched, that conscious machines could be attempting to do what he claimed. Honestly it sounded like something out of one of the 'make-believe' stories Corrine had always chastised her for reading so obsessively.

"That's merely the abridged version of course," Chakwas spoke with a heavy sigh laden with sadness, "It's hard to sum up everything we've learned these past few years."

"Files will be made available to you," Shepard continued, "As well as my reports going back to Eden Prime and everything we've got on the Reapers. I don't expect an answer now. Get up to speed and then we'll talk about your place on this team."

Chakwas rubbed Eira's shoulder and gathered up her long, loose hair, pulling it back out of her face and tying it back with what she could only assume was a rubber band. She looked back at the woman over her shoulder and saw her punching something into her omnitool.

Eira choked on a sob. It was a simple act, and a motherly one.

She wanted to be back on Nafna Station, back with Corrine in her old life; a life where such threatening beings didn't exist and her days were dreadfully boring.

She felt a warm, strong hand cover her own and turned back. The commander was looking at her, his hand unmoving from its position atop hers. He seemed to understand where her mind was wandering to and though she couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze, she gave a small nod to acknowledge his gesture.

Chakwas broke the silence.

"I have a few more questions for you, dear, but I need to start with a scan." She explained as she raised her omni-tool. "The Normandy recorded energy outputs from the station, namely you. We need to get a better understanding of your biotics."

Eira blinked away tears and looked at the doctor, "Why?"

"We need to know what type of implant you have. If you have an L2 for instance, then we have to make sure you don't over-exert yourself or you'd be risking a serious neurological injury."

Shepard pulled back, giving Chakwas the room she needed to work.

Chakwas waved her omni-tool over Eira, circling around her numerous times before a chime signaled that the scan was complete. It was only when the chime sounded that Eira allowed herself to breathe again. She'd always felt…exposed whenever a scan was being conducted of her. Corrine had done hundreds on her and while Eira was never sure what she was hoping to learn from them, it had been obvious enough that something important rode on them.

Eira looked down at her hands and began wringing her fingers nervously.

Chakwas was focused on her omni-tool, so Eira looked to Shepard.

"That man that killed Corrine…"

Shepard's gaze snapped back to her. "He said his name was Doctor Nikolai Marin."

"The things he said…" she paused to steady herself, taking a deep breath to calm the shiver that ran through her, "Do you know if they were true?"

Shepard shook his head, "The files Cerberus provided me on you were full of holes. Truthfully, you're one hell of an unknown, kid."

Confused and unsure of his meaning, Eira frowned, "And that…angers you?"

"It's frustrating," he admitted with a sigh, "I'm in charge of this mission, of this team. I need to have absolute faith in every member of that team if we're to stand a chance of succeeding. You're strong and that's just what I need for this mission, but…" his voice faded out and she could tell something was weighing on him. He shook it off, "But we've got a lot more to fill you in on; then we'll let you make the decision for yourself."

Just as Eira was about to respond, Chakwas gasped and stepped between them, forcing a datapad into Shepard's hands.

"What is it?" Eira asked tentatively, wary of interrupting but unable to fight the urge, "Is there something wrong with the scans?"

Shepard's eyes were glued to the information before him and Eira couldn't tell if the surprise on his face didn't very well contain traces of anger too.

She looked to Chakwas, "What –

Shepard stood, thrusting the datapad back into Chakwas' hands and making for the door.

"Commander!" Eira slid off the table, "Did I do something wrong? Please, tell me. Is there something wrong with the scan? Something wrong with me?"

Shepard stopped, sparing her a glance over his shoulder and the very hint of a sympathetic smile. "No, kid, you haven't done anything wrong. Just stay with Doctor Chakwas, I'll be right back."

As he left, Chakwas began yet another scan.


	7. The Wild Card, Part II

"What do you mean she has no implant?" Miranda demanded angrily as she paced the med bay, circling Eira like a vulture.

"I mean there is no implant to be seen," Chakwas sighed, making no attempt to hide her frustration with the woman, "I scanned her three times, Ms. Lawson. I'll scan her again if you'd like, but the results will be the same. Element zero nodes are present throughout her nervous system but I see no signs of any attempts to implant a biotic amp."

Eira swallowed hard.

Everyone seemed mad at her but no one had had the decency yet to fill her in. What was an implant? And why was it so horrible that she not have one? Did not having one make her a freak?

Eira pouted and nervously twisted her fingers in her lap until they ached.

She turned to Shepard, who had yet to say anything since returning with the woman Doctor Chakwas referred to as Lawson.

He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, his pale blue eyes following the irate woman striding back and forth before them. He was stone-faced and Eira couldn't tell if he was angry at the situation or, more specifically, at her.

"That's impossible, Doctor," Lawson declared for the hundredth time, "Human biotics without implants have weak biotic abilities that inevitably falter out and become non-existent!"

Chakwas pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head, "You were there; Miranda and you've seen the readings."

Miranda turned to Eira, a profound scowl on her face, "Do you have anything to say for yourself, Valkyrie?"

Eira stammered trying to search for something, anything to say to the intimidating woman. She felt herself shying away from her, moving cautiously backwards on the table to put as much distance between her and Miranda as she could.

Shepard saw her recoil out of the corner of his eye, saw her begin nervously chewing on her bottom lip. His gaze shot back to Miranda, who, if she noticed the fear painted on Eira's face, clearly didn't care enough to cut the confrontational bullshit.

He stood and approached Eira as she sat shaking on the table, her knees now pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them in an attempt to make herself as small as possible.

"Eira," Shepard said, interrupting the tense silence, "Her name is Eira, Miranda; and if I knew you were going to try interrogating her like a prisoner of war I'd have gone to someone with better sense."

Miranda's gaze snapped back to him and she fumed, "Shepard, she's been holding out on us. She could be a threat."

Shepard immediately dismissed the possibility, "The Illusive Man sent us to get her from that station, Miranda. Do you really think your beloved Cerberus would set us up like that? With the threat of the Collectors looming over us? Not likely."

Miranda glared at the commander, but backed down and muttered a forced apology. She didn't leave like Eira was hoping for but instead kept to the perimeter of the room, her lethal gaze still fixed on her.

Eira swallowed hard. She wanted to run away, find someplace far, far away and stay there forever. Her fear flared her biotics to life and sent pulses of energy bubbling to her skin. She saw Chakwas and Miranda take another step back and vaguely registered that her biotics were active, their protective force wrapping around her skin.

"Eira!" Shepard's voice was stern but lacked the sting of true anger.

She glanced up to see him standing before her. Her biotics calmed down, retreating back inside of her as the perceived threat that had caused them to flare seemed less imposing.

Eira felt her chin trembled and stammered, "Y-Yes?"

"Do you know why you don't have a biotic implant?" He asked calmly, ignoring the frustrated sighs coming from Miranda as he took his time and went out of his way to ensure nothing about his body language spelled 'threat' to her.

Eira bit her lip and quickly shook her head.

"I don't even know what that is…" She admitted in a whisper.

Miranda grumbled behind him but Shepard ignored her. It was clear to him she was only interested in taking out her frustration at not being trusted with the knowledge of Eira's unique abilities on the girl herself, something that irritated Shepard immensely. It was cold of her, and especially considering she had been with him when they'd met Eira on the station, he'd expected her to be more understanding.

It was clear there was a great deal the Illusive Man hadn't told them and he knew they'd eventually have to wade through his lies, but he expected Miranda to see that bombarding Eira with accusations wasn't going to get them anywhere.

Clearly the Illusive Man had kept her in the dark as well. What bothered Shepard was why. An asset surely lost its usefulness if it didn't know even a sliver of its potential or its limitations. It seemed like a slip-up on the Illusive Man's part, which only made Shepard even more convinced that the move had been anything but.

"Implants are given to young people who show an aptitude for biotics," Chakwas explained, "They are grafted into the brain of the patient and allow for the biotic nodes in the nervous system to focus their energy to form attacks, move objects or create shields. Humans need these implants, until now there have been no cases of biotic powers remaining any longer than a few years without the aid of an amp to harness and direct the power."

"There is usually a port at the base of a biotics' skull," Shepard continued, "right about here." He rose and approached her, moving slowly so as not to startle her, and reached out to place his fingers on the back of her neck just near her hairline. "It allows a biotic to turn off their amp for periods of time to avoid…well, overheating, for lack of a better word."

Eira remained tense until Shepard pulled back, but that small, simple touch hadn't been entirely unpleasant. It had been gentle and brief and when she took a small glance up, searching for his eyes, she saw in him what she had felt in that touch – a degree of understanding and sympathy that Miranda seemed incapable of.

"How…how is it I can do what I can do without one then?" She looked to Chakwas, hoping for an answer.

The doctor gave a small shrug, "I'm sorry, dear, but I have no idea. If I didn't know any better, judging from the readings we took from the station when you were actively using your biotics, I'd have thought you were an asari. They do not require implants to use their biotics effectively, nor do they need special training to develop a conscious neural control of their powers. It's a part of their physiology though," she smiled, "and it's rather obvious you are no asari."

"Did you need to work on it?" Shepard asked, glancing to Chakwas, "On your 'neural control'?"

Eira shook her head. "I…I didn't; not for control at least. Corrine had me undergo training and different simulations to test my endurance and combat-readiness, but nothing about how to use my biotics. They always seemed…at my finger-tips, you could say…"

Shepard nodded, "Do you have any side effects? Anything that could perhaps be contributed to the fact that you have no implant, Eira?"

He was trying to get a better sense of her capabilities and limitations. If he was going to begin entertaining the notion of her going on missions with him as part of his ground team he needed more answers. Even before he died, Shepard had never gone on any assignment, no matter how small, without knowing the strengths and weaknesses of those who had his back. It was something he wasn't going to start now.

And considering the…unique biotic abilities of the girl in front of him, caution and a better understanding were needed to settle the uncertainty she raised in him.

"I have really bad headaches sometimes," Eira admitted, looking to Shepard and Chakwas for any sign of disappointment, "After a really long simulation, one where I'd use my biotics for hours, the light…would make my eyes hurt. Then the headache would set in. I tried to work through them for...for Corrine. And meditation helped some."

Chakwas nodded as she recorded notes on her datapad, "I will begin searching for options to help you with that, dear. And I fully intend to monitor you closely to make sure we haven't missed anything." She turned to the commander, "Shepard, given what we've learned perhaps the Illusive Man would be more…inclined to provide us with Eira's medical records?"

He mulled over her words for a moment and nodded, though his features were grim.

He wasn't naïve enough to think the Illusive Man was going to hand everything he had on Eira over. Still, he nodded. There was no reason, just yet, to voice his doubts.

Miranda sighed, "Since you seem intent on keeping her, where do you intend to stow her, Shepard?"

Her voice pulled him from his thoughts and he glanced up to see Miranda glaring at him.

"For now the port observation deck will work." He clasped Chakwas' shoulder, "You finish up with her here, doc. I'll have some of the crew pull up a cot from the cargo bay; try to make it comfortable for her."

"I…I don't need anything special, Commander," Eira hurriedly said, paling at the notion of the fuss she had caused, "I don't want to cause you or your crew any more trouble than I have already…"

Her full, pale lips fell into a pout.

Shepard looked back at her over his shoulder, his sharp retort fell dead on his lips however when he saw just how upset she was. Whether or not she considered herself as such, Shepard saw her for what she was – another victim of Cerberus' brutal drive for the "greater good" for humanity. That she was so young merely intensified his disgust for the rouge black-ops organization.

Eira didn't deserve any unnecessary coldness from him, her world had been turned on end and she needed time to make sense of everything he and Chakwas had thrown at her. Miranda and Cerberus pissed him off, Eira didn't deserve the bite of the anger they brought out in him.

He held back the frustration that threatened to work its way into his voice and smiled.

"It's no trouble, Eira. I'll have those files I mentioned brought to you and once you've had a chance to go over them I'd like to hear what you think."

Eira nodded and fell silent as Chakwas approached her to conduct another scan.

"And what are you going to do?" Miranda asked as Shepard headed for the door.

He sighed, running a hand over his shaved head, "Try to get some answers from the Illusive Man."

~~~~~

Eira sat cross-legged on the lounge in the port observation deck wearing the Cerberus uniform Miranda had begrudgingly provided her. Chakwas had given her a clean bill of health and allowed her to leave the med bay, going so far as to have one of her assistants give Eira a quick tour of the ship before walking her to the observation deck the Commander had allocated for her use. The cot crew members had brought up sat tucked in the corner, a pile of crisp folded sheets sitting on its corner, waiting for her use. On the desk near the bed sat a pile of datapads containing files on the Reapers, Collectors and everything else she needed to be up to speed.

Her head hurt too much to tackle them tonight though and she had told the crewman who'd brought them to her that she'd look at them first thing in the morning.

Gabriella Daniels had been the first of the crew to introduce themselves and had pulled in a favor she'd had with the requisition officer, giving Eira a refurbished Nexus omni-tool and a lesson on how to use it. Eira hadn't been able to thank Gabby enough. It was the first real gift she had ever been given, a window to the wider world she'd never had on Nafna Station, and she knew as soon as she received it she was in the engineers' debt.

Gabby had immediately dismissed the notion of course, saying it was merely a gift to welcome her to the Normandy, but Eira didn't know what to think of that. It had been a kind gesture, the sort Eira assumed friends did for each other, and she wondered hopefully if Gabby could be that for her – a friend.

Almost everyone had been good to her since her arrival on the Normandy. Doctor Chakwas had been patient and warm, and while she had expected the crew to stare few had done so blatantly or in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. Gabby had been very kind to her, and had even invited her down to the engineering deck for a "VIP tour" once she had gotten settled. And Commander Shepard had been…well, she was still trying to figure him out from what she had seen in the few encounters they had had.

He'd been frustrated but hadn't taken it out on her, if anything he'd been calm and understanding. It was clear that there was a lot he was responsible for, just as it was clear to her that there was good reason behind peoples' faith in him.

On a whim, Eira opened up her omni-tool, deftly swiping to the screen Gabby had shown her earlier and opening up a search engine. She hesitated only briefly, strangely overcome with the feeling that she was violating his privacy, but quickly shook it off and typed in 'Commander Shepard' before initiating the search.

Immediately the screen filled with dozens of results. She clicked on the first one, a feature on the commander done in 2183 by a news station based on Earth, and eagerly read.

~~~~~

_The only child of life-long and well-respected Alliance marines, Ryan Shepard has surely surpassed any and all expectations his parents once had for him. Born on Arcturus Station, the young Shepard spent his formative years aboard one starship or another, moving homes as his parents' posting changed. Little, however, is known about the commander's teenage years – time which the commander himself once described in an early interview as "a time when many mistakes were made, when I nearly lost myself"._

_Whatever caused Shepard such conflict is up for speculation, the man himself remains tight-lipped, but what is clear is that Captain David Anderson played a key role in guiding Ryan Shepard through the conflict in those years – and ultimately to the Alliance recruitment office when he was eighteen._

_Proving himself a natural solider early on and most notably a steadfast survivor on Akuze, Shepard shot up the ranks of the Alliance's Special Forces, earning the esteemed rank of 'N7'._

_The commander has been assigned to the SSV Normandy; a highly coveted position on a ship that has become a symbol of the potential joint-species cooperation can bring to the field. The product of human and turian design, the ship of its kind is said to be unprecedented._

_What missions the Normandy and Commander Shepard may be a part of are, of course, top-secret…_

~~~~~

Eira returned to the main page of the search engine and quickly typed in "N7", followed moments later by another single, simple word.

Akuze.

~~~~~

Hundreds of light-years away, on a station still smouldering with the heat of fires just beginning to die out, a soot stained and bloodied hand burst forth from the rubble that blocked out precious oxygen. It scrambled for purchase, finally grasping on to a rough jut-out of concrete. The beaten down and bloodied man heaved himself up through the debris, his tattered armor catching on the rubble and slowing his movements. He grunted out a ragged curse and gritted his teeth, forcing himself to move despite the pain until finally, mercifully, he reached the surface.

Marin laughed despite the lingering danger of his situation and the small amount of oxygen he had access to at present.

What remained of his armor had saved his life, but he was far from uninjured. With one broken arm, a handful of broken ribs and God knew what else, Marin was far from safety.

But as he laughed, he realized 'alive' was good enough for him for the time being.

He'd lick his wounds, plan his next move, but in the end he would fulfil the promise he made to Eira's parents.

He'd bring her home.

One way or another, one day or the next.


	8. Waking

Another nightmare pulled him suddenly and violently from his restless slumber.

His fist, clenched so tightly his knuckles whitened, shot out as he sat up, blindly seeking enemies he swore had been right before him. Eyes wide and body shaking, he could feel the heat of Akuze on him and the searing agony as maw acid burned through his hardsuit with petrifying ease and leaching into the skin of his legs. From there it seeped into his veins, the venom coursing through his body with the speed of adrenaline and the gentleness of a torturers' blade.

In his sleep-induced haze, it felt horrifically real; as if his skin was aflame and melting away under the acid as it had on Akuze. He reached down in a panic, running his hands over his calves and then roughly dragging his nails over his skin. When only faint red streaks appeared and not the boils and pealing infected tissue of thresher maw acid exposure, his heart rate calmed some.

_Fuck, get a grip on yourself, Shepard…_

He shook off the remainder of the confusion his nightmare had left on him and he righted himself, grasping for the sheet that had fallen to his waist in the commotion of his waking. He continued to inwardly berate himself. In his mind, his nightmares – his secret cowardice – was an affront to the sacrifices others suffered to bring him back and the faith every last person who believed in him held.

Shepard's eyes darted around the room, searching for some hidden threat, as his hand trailed up his stomach to clench his sweat-soaked chest. His heart was beating fiercely in his chest and he took heaving, deep breaths in an effort to calm its frantic movements.

"Commander, shall I summon Doctor Chakwas?" EDI's voice broke the silence in the room, "Your heart rate is uncharacteristically high and –

"No!" Shepard coughed, lingering panic coursing through his veins and straining his voice, "No, don't EDI." He inhaled sharply, "I'm…I'm fine."

"Shepard –

"I said no, EDI!" He snarled through clenched teeth, "Drop it!"

EDI didn't reply.

Shepard flopped back down onto the bed and draped his arm over his eyes. Sweat beaded and trailed down his chest, running over the dog tags Shepard never took off and lazily trickling down his hip bones. He was exhausted. Since leaving Lazarus Station he had yet to have a solid night's sleep. Memories of Akuze, of losing Kaidan and the Battle of the Citadel kept replaying in his mind and it pissed him off.

Before dying he had dealt with it all – the guilt, the shame and the shock of everything he'd been through. It had still hurt, but the nightmares hadn't been so frequent or nearly as vivid. Now that he was back it was like every night brought about the reliving of the worst and most painful moments in his life.

"No, no, no…" Shepard mumbled desperately under his breath.

Unbidden, a memory that had remained tucked in the far recesses of his mind resurfaced and his body tensed. Suddenly he was a teenager again, rebelling against his parents and living a destructive life on Omega. He was in the cramped bathroom of Vertigo with Luca snorting red sand off filthy sinks covered in questionable stains. The bass of the club's music amplified the sweet dizzying feeling that came with 'dusting up' and the straight shots of whiskey fueled his anger.

Rage had dominated his life in those days, pure unadulterated anger that had led to him making stupid, dangerous choices. It had led him onto the dance floor that night; to the biggest, meanest batarian he'd ever seen. He couldn't remember what the batarian had said to provoke him, it hadn't mattered then, but he'd ended up in the alley, somehow separated from Luca, throwing punches and taking hits that would have downed the average man. But anger, whiskey, red sand and his unrelenting stubbornness kept him upright.

He'd had the upper hand until the batarian had pulled a military issued blade from his belt. It was then he'd realized his crappy-ass pistol was in the bathroom, forgotten in his drug fueled haze.

Shepard clenched his eyes shut and gave a pained growl. He tried to force the memory back into the deepest reaches of his mind with nothing more than his stubborn will, but it resisted his silent pleas and exploded before his eyes as if a flash-bang grenade had hit him head on.

Suddenly it was if he was in that narrow alleyway on Omega once again.

He'd ended up with a slash to the gut and another to his thigh, pinned beneath the behemoth of a batarian and fighting desperately to keep the blood-soaked blade from his throat. He was losing that fight when Luca appeared and hauled the batarian off of him, only to take the blade square in the chest himself.

~~~~~

_Luca gurgled as blood shot up his throat. He tried to pull air into his lungs, only to have the sharp pain in his chest flare and force what little air he had in him outward. He blinked rapidly, his shocked body struggling to register the reality of the cold steel buried in his chest._

_The batarian laughed and jerked the blade out, causing a torrent of blood to squirt forth. Surprisingly the pain ebbed and gave way to a beautiful numbing cold that made his limbs feel heavy._

_The youth tumbled backwards, giving one last panicked look to Ryan before hitting the cold ground._

_It had all happened so fast after that._

_A man possessed, Ryan lurched forward, knocking down the batarian with a blow to his chest that winded the huge alien. As the blade slid across the ground, Ryan rained down hit after hit on the shocked alien, the adrenaline blocking out the pain from the blows he'd taken._

_There was a sickening crack as the batarian's orbital bones fractured and Ryan's fingers broke, but he kept going._

_Until a hand grasped his shoulder and pulled him back into a strong embrace. Two men in uniforms moved forward, one tending to the batarian and the other going to Luca. He could see their lips moving; hear the muted sound of their voices buried under the deafening pounding in his head._

_Seething with anger, he'd tried to fight his way free from the man who'd held him. His body hurt but he didn't care, blood was obscuring his vision but it didn't matter – Luca was dead._

_The batarian should be too._

_A life for a life hadn't just made sense at the time; it was a duty that ran as deep as his love for his fallen friend._

_"Get the fuck off of me!" He screamed at the man holding him back._

_The man holding him didn't relent, but he did finally speak._

_"It's over, child, it's done."_

~~~~~

Shepard wiped the sweat from his brow, tossing the soiled towel aside without a care as to where it landed. It was still early, but he didn't dare try to get more sleep. Dressing quickly, he made his way slowly to the elevator, stubbornly forcing the surfaced memories back down so he could don the façade that had become the norm for him since his revival.

He found himself headed for the port observation deck before he could make a conscious decision as to where to go and remembered sluggishly that he had yet to check on the newest addition to his crew.

His latest 'chat' with the Illusive Man had yielded him nothing new. The head of Cerberus had dodged all of his questions, feigned ignorance and ultimately told Shepard to 'work with' what knowledge he already had.

What 'knowledge' they had on the young biotic was next to nothing compared to what Shepard suspected Cerberus was holding back from him. They'd raised her after all; surely they couldn't be as ignorant of her power's limitations and origins as they claimed to be.

He rounded the corner and saw that the door to the port observation deck was unlocked.

_She must already be awake…_

He passed his hand over the door's controls and it opened with a soft hiss.

~~~~~

Eira faintly registered the mechanical hiss of the door to her room opening but didn't divert her focus from the datapad nestled in her lap amongst a heap of blankets she'd swaddled herself in. So far she had languished over the details in reports from Eden Prime, Virmire, Ilos and the Battle of the Citadel. The photographs of the aftermath of the battle unsettled her. While she had yet to see an image of a complete Reaper, the fragments captured were massive and nightmarish; it was difficult for her to imagine them alive and moving. It didn't seem right that something so horrific existed.

"Eira?"

She jumped in her seat, the datapad falling on the lounge beside her and tumbling to the floor with a soft clink.

Shepard moved to pick up the fallen datapad just as Eira made to do the same. The tips of his fingers ghosted over hers and she recoiled, withdrawing her hand quickly and quickly murmured an apology.

"No, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to startle you." He dismissed her unnecessary apology and handed the datapad to back her, "Some light reading?"

She shrugged, "This is important, right? There's a lot I need to understand…a lot I've missed." She frowned as she pulled back her blankets to make room for him at the opposite end of the lounge, "Didn't seem right to put it off…"

There was a solemnness to her Shepard noted with just a quick glance of her eyes. Given everything she had been through in the past twenty-four hours he supposed it was to be expected. But there were dark circles under her eyes that hadn't been there last he'd seen her, and it looked like her mind was running a mile a minute based on the sharp way her eyes were darting from the datapad in her hands to the pile remaining to be read stacked on a small table before them.

"Could you not sleep?" He found himself asking as he sat down in the space she had cleared for him.

Eira sighed, "I tried…but I kept seeing Corrine…" she paused, her breath hitching in her throat and her chin trembling ever so slightly, "…covered in blood...dead."

Shepard was silent, not knowing what to say. The common things people said to comfort each other in times like this – "She's in a better place", "It'll all be okay", "I'm sorry for your loss" – all fell flat. They either dwindled down the horror of loss into something momentary and passing or felt forced and, most importantly, like a badly concealed bit of mockery.

No words had stemmed the pain and overwhelming guilt he'd felt after Luca's death. They certainly hadn't made the loss of his friends and comrades on Akuze any easier, nor had they helped when he'd made the call that had cost Kaidan his life.

"Commander?"

Shepard snapped back to reality and realized he was leaning forward with his elbows rested on his knees, his hands loosely folded between them. He sat back and finally noticed the pain on the back of his hand, seemingly from nervous scratching on his part.

_Stop obsessing over shit you can't change,_ he told himself angrily. _Remember why you're here; hide all the other bullshit, this isn't the time…_

"Are…are you alright, Commander?" Eira asked hesitantly.

She was aware that a question like that was best asked by a friend, or at least someone who'd known him more than twenty-four hours, but it escaped her before she could stop herself.

She nervously looked up from the datapad after his voice failed to break the silence.

Shepard's gaze remained fixed forward, seemingly on the impressive vista the observation deck offered of the multitude of stars around them. His jaw was clenched and tension pulled his form tight like the string of a bow.

Eira swallowed hard, unsure of what to do or say and afraid a misstep would offend him.

From what she had read about him in the numerous articles she had scanned before moving on to the datapads, he had spent the better part of his life in the military. The incident on Akuze had killed fifty of his brothers and sisters in arms and she wasn't so naïve to think that that had been neither the first nor the last violent experience of loss he'd suffered.

And there she was, whimpering over the loss of a single woman.

"Does it ever get easier?" She asked quietly.

Shepard visibly relaxed some; her voice providing the merciful interruption his mind needed to focus on the present.

He took a deep breath and shook his head. "Time…just dulls the pain. It always hurts though, to some degree."

He didn't elaborate. She didn't need to know the messy details; that he was trying to make sense of losses he'd suffered, the old wounds his resurrection had reopened.

"If you agree to help us in this fight though, I'll do whatever I can to find out why she was targeted," he offered, looking at her with an expression far softer than what he'd had since entering the room, "Maybe we can get you some answers about yourself too, where you came from…God, knows the Illusive Man isn't going to be giving us any." He smiled.

Eira looked to the datapads she had yet to read. There was still so much she didn't know, but the information contained in the reports she'd already read was enough to convince her that the threat the Collectors posed was real, just as real as the machines they served – the Reapers.

For the first time since leaving Nafna Station, she spoke with conviction, her decision made without reservation, "You don't need to do that, Commander."

His eyebrow arched as he regarded her with confusion.

Since when had anyone agreed to help him without asking for something in return?

Eira continued, "I haven't finished reading everything, so I'm sure there are things about these 'Reapers' I don't know yet." She began fiddling with the hem of the blanket, twirling the tassel between her fingers, "But what I do know…honestly…it scares me. I've never seen or heard of anything like them – and they want to destroy the galaxy?" She shook her head and then looked at him, her eyes meeting his, "I'm still not sure what help I can be…but I do want to help."

"But –

"You don't need to do or promise me anything to make me agree to help, Commander," Eira insisted, "It's the right thing to do. And I've already made up my mind." She bit the inside of her lip and looked away sheepishly, "Sorry…for interrupting."

Something akin to laughter bubbled in Shepard's throat but disappeared quickly once he realized what it was.

"Please, don't apologise," he said with a small smile, "Do you have any questions, Eira? About what you've read?" He nodded to the datapad in her lap.

"I…actually yes" she said, hesitating just momentarily before continuing, "Do you know why? Why they're abducting human colonies? There are other species with colonies in Terminus space, yes?"

"I…" He wavered, unsure if sharing his suspicions was unwise. He'd yet to voice them to anyone and truthfully, no one had outright asked him.

Amongst the crew there was the unspoken understanding that whatever their purpose, the Collectors' motives were not for the betterment of humanity. As to why they were targeting humans over all other species in the Terminus System…one guess was as good as the other.

He looked back to her, his focus having drifted off as his thoughts wandered, and saw that she had been watching him. Her eyes were wide and worried and she had begun to nervously chew on the inside of her cheek, something he was beginning to think she wasn't even consciously aware she did. As close as he was to her he could see that her hair wasn't stark white like he initially thought. There was a faint blonde-gold hue in her long locks that seemingly took a careful eye to notice. He was suddenly struck by how innocent she looked. After being raised on a secluded space station, with no family or friends to surround herself with, he supposed she was.

_This is a hell of a way to learn about the world outside…_

"Honestly, we're not sure why they're targeting us. Human colonies in Terminus space are more vulnerable; they're secluded and a lot of colonists don't trust the Alliance enough to accept any aid offered."

"The Alliance? That's Earth's military, right? You were with them before joining Cerberus?"

He nodded, "I was…until I died two years ago."

Eira's confusion was blatant. She'd read one article in particular that said he had died, but she assumed it had been a rumor. How could it have been the truth when he was standing right before her?

"We were attacked by a Collector ship, though at the time we didn't know who they were. I died after a blast from their main gun tore the ship in half." He fidgeted, shifting slightly in his seat, "I was spaced. By hardsuit was damaged and I…suffocated. From what I've been told, Cerberus found my body and spent two years bringing me back." He went rigid, "I really don't remember much about it."

There was a brief moment of silence. It wasn't horribly uncomfortable and Shepard didn't move to break it but instead allowed Eira the time she needed to let what he'd said sink in.

Eira shifted in her seat and leaned toward him, reaching out to curiously touch his arm, poking one of the tattooed images of a vicious and twisted demon on his forearm. Her fingers were cold and a sudden shiver rippled through him as they passed over one of the many cybernetic scars that marred his body. He looked up from where she was touching him, only to see that the neckline of her oversized t-shirt had fallen down, giving him a generous glimpse of the tops of her full breasts. His mind screamed at him to stop, to look away, but instead his eyes rose to the enticing curve of her neck.

He felt his breath catch in his throat.

_Stop! What the fuck are you doing, Shepard! She's practically a damn kid!_ He snapped his gaze away from her. _Son-of-a-bitch…what the fuck is wrong with you?_

Mercifully, when he looked up he saw that her attention was still fixed on his arm.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she pulled back, "I guess I wanted to see if you were real." Mortification washed over her, "My God, I'm so sorry, that was so rude!"

Something about the look on her face made him smile and he brushed off the feeling of self-loathing that had threatened to breach the surface of his conscious mind.

"It's fine, Eira, really." He felt his omni-tool buzz on his arm and he looked down to see that he'd received a message from Miranda.

They'd decided to pursue 'Archangel' next and had made it back to the Sahrabarik system at apparent record speed.

"Time to go?" Eira asked as he opened up his omni-tool and scanned a message that popped up.

He nodded, "We've got to find this 'Archangel' on Omega. He's supposed to be damn good with a sniper rifle. We'll need him."

Shepard stood.

"Get some rest." He hesitated and swallowed the lump in his throat, looking away from her to the door, "I…I know you don't want to face seeing what happened on that station again but you need to sleep. You're no good to anyone half-dead with exhaustion."

Eira nodded, "I'll try. Can…can I ask you one more question, Commander?"

He stopped and looked back at her over his shoulder.

She was kneeling on the lounge, her arms draped over the back of the couch as she looked at him.

"Sure."

She pointed at him, "What are those pictures on your arm?"

He raised his left arm, looking over the expanse of imagery that covered his skin. It was a strange question but he supposed she'd never seen tattoos before on Nafna.

"Tattoos," he explained, "They're made by artists using needles to put ink under the skin to form images."

Eira nodded slowly and tilted her head as if to consider them at a different angle. "Did it hurt? Getting them done?"

Shepard merely nodded.

She smiled, "I like them."

That took him aback.

He stood there, likely with a stupid look on his face, trying to determine if she was being serious.

She thanked him and he left without saying another work, making for the armoury so he could suit up and meet his ground team at the airlock. Even as he stood before his opened locker, his gear neatly stacked before him, he wasn't sure what to make of what had just happened.


	9. Better Left Unknown

He paced the room, furious and impatient, his eyes darting between the clock on his omni-tool and the apartment's front door.

0400 hours…

Marin and his men were late and his own guards were urging him to leave, suspecting the delay to be part of a Cerberus ambush.

But he couldn't leave, not without getting the scraps of intel Marin had been able to gather on 'Valkyrie'.

Another five minutes passed and he could feel the heat of his anger steaming off of his skin. He grabbed an empty, dusty beer bottle from a stack of crates piled in the corner of the room and heaved it at the wall. It exploded into a thousand pieces and one of the guards on the other side of the room was hit with tiny particles of coloured glass that bounced off his armour and fell to the ground.

0415 hours…

The decrepit, squalid confines of the industrial tenement he had chosen to meet Marin in were merely one of hundreds that dotted the district. That's all New York was anymore, a series of districts all more disease-riddled than the last. Gangs ran rampant and there were whores on every corner along with dealers ready to sell a soul as much drugs as they had the cash for; enough to forget the pains of a world that, at best, didn't give a shit about the little man.

Good, decent people didn't reside here. They kept to the upper districts, closest to the historical part of the city were parks were well-manicured and every house had an alarm system. They all worked nine-to-five jobs and held on to the naïve notion that 'bad things' were restricted to happening only on the television screen.

That wasn't where he was safest. He'd stand out there, he and his men, with their SMGs, assault rifles and high-grade armour.

0425 hours…

No, he was safest here, in the tenement building on the worst street in the worst district that held more sand-blasted fools and whores than actual paying tenants.

Here he was just one more broken soul with bad intentions.

As far as Cerberus is concerned at least…

He smiled sadly at that. The good man he once was, full of hope and good intentions, was twenty years gone. He wanted revenge now, craved it like a drug fiend on the hunt for his next score. Sometimes the hurt made his thirst for revenge so desperate he wanted to rush ahead, storm every goddamned Cerberus base his men could find and take as many of them down before a bullet ended his pain.

But then he'd remember his promise.

Kathryn was dead, he'd failed her. She'd been tortured for months and when she finally succumbed to the eezo and radiation and god-knows-what-else they'd pumped into her, they'd kept her alive artificially until the babe inside her was ready to face the world.

Then they cut her open…

Tears came unbidden to his eyes and fell lazily down his weathered face.

He'd love her to the point of madness. And he'd failed her.

How many times did she call out for him as they tortured her? How many times had she screamed his name only for it to fall upon uncaring, unfeeling ears?

0437 hours…

Kathryn was beyond him now. She was dead and cold, a memory that haunted him for his failures and reminded him time and again of what he'd lost.

He failed her.

He wasn't about to fail their child.

The door hissed open behind him and he turned quickly, hand on the pistol strapped to his hip, only to be faced with Marin and two of his armed guards.

"You're late."

Marin entered the room, dismissing his men with a wave of his hand. He looked like hell but considering what happened on Nafna Station, he supposed bruised and sporting a sling on his right arm as well as two black eyes was getting off easy.

Marin glared at the guards that remained.

"Leave us, gentlemen." He said, catching his friend's nervous glancing. "Double-check the hallway and patrol the perimeter. Be ready to go at a moments' notice."

His men nodded and quickly departed.

The door shut behind them and Marin visibly relaxed, reclining on a soiled couch.

"I fucked up, Julian." Marin lamented as he rubbed his aching shoulder, stifling a curse and wincing as the pain flared, "I got the head of the program, Doctor Knowles. But Cerberus must have been tipped off, they sent Commander Shepard and –

"They sent a dead man?" Julian asked skeptically, crossing his arms and leaning against the worn wall, waiting for an answer that might lessen his anger.

I suppose I owe him some creds…

"Looked pretty fucking alive to me," Marin said, "He was with Jacob Taylor, I recognized him from my time with Cerberus. And Miranda Lawson."

Julian looked to his friend. He appreciated the risk Marin had taken in breaking into Nafna Station. From all their intel the station was well fortified and getting in couldn't have been easy. Even with everything they'd learned, both from their own hacking and spying and from dealing with the Broker, Julian knew in his heart something would go wrong. He'd been willing to risk that, to risk the life of his friend, in order to save her.

Julian swallowed the lump in his throat and hung his head, "Did you see her, Nikolai?"

Marin nodded, "She saw me standing over Knowles' body, put two-and-two together. She lost it, hit me with a biotic blast." He shook his head, "Julian, I swear to you, I tried. I tried to explain but she had no idea what I was talking about. She looked at me like I'd killed her whole world…"

"They've kept her in the dark," Julian realized and his heart sank, "It would make keeping control of her that much easier. It makes sense."

Marin looked up, "Julian…"

He stood up and began pacing the room. "Don't. We should have seen that coming. Cerberus is capable of anything, you and I know that too well. That they'd manipulate her…"

But they had already, hadn't they? They'd manipulated her from the beginning, right down to the genetic level when she was still in her mother's belly.

"She looked good though, Julian." Marin broke the silence, "Like she's been fed regularly, cared for. The reports from the Broker were accurate, she's got albinism. But she looks like her mother," He gave a small smile despite the pain this new setback brought, "Has those big eyes like Kathryn did."

Julian choked on a sob he hadn't realized was threatening to surface.

His memory of Kathryn was better than any picture. Her eyes and that puppy-eyed look she used to give him, had one many arguments. She'd given him that same look when she'd come to him with the Cerberus offer…

She'd believed in them and they'd returned that faith with torture.

Marin glanced up at him and saw the distant look in his friends' eyes, "Julian?"

He could still remember Kathryn's excitement when she found out she was pregnant. She'd been thrilled and he had been too…but he was also petrified at the notion of fatherhood.

And he'd fucked that up even before Eira took her first breath.

"Where is she now?" Julian asked, his voice so hoarse and strained he didn't recognize it at first. He cleared his throat and tried again, "Tell me you have a lead, Nikolai."

"Commander Shepard said he was there to bring her somewhere safe, no doubt on the Illusive Man's orders." He stood, albeit slowly due to his injuries, "If we find Shepard I'll bet we find Eira, Julian."

He nodded.

It wasn't a hell of a lot but it was something. The return of a dead spectre would at least draw the attention of important people in the galaxy, important people Julian was hoping they'd be able to buy off.

"Contact the Shadow Broker, see if his people have heard anything about what the commander is up to. Tell him we'll pay whatever price he requires for the intel." Julian stopped pacing and pulled up his omni-tool interface.

"I'm owed a favor or two from an old…friend in the Terminus Systems," Marin offered, "I'll look her up, see if she's in the helping mood."

Julian looked to Marin, to the bruises that covered his face and arms, to the dark black eyes that marred his face.

He sighed, "A favour from a friend…like I'm asking from you, Nikolai?"

"She was my friend too, Julian," Marin said sadly, "I'd help, even if you hadn't come to me with what you'd learned all those years ago. We all joined Cerberus because we wanted to make a difference," he sighed, "God, we were naïve back then."

Julian inhaled sharply, "She was the best Cerberus had…and they turned on her the moment her life was deemed less valuable than the potential she had as an incubator for a weapon."

Marin fell silent, unsure whether voicing his fear was wise. He looked at Julian and clearly saw the wear etched on the man's face. He was only forty-eight, but the lines around his eyes and mouth were profound. His tangled dark brown hair was tinged with more grey that it should be and age spots had already began to appear on his neck and face.

Marin knew this was sucking more out of him than the stubborn old fool would ever admit.

"I didn't exactly get a chance to speak to her, Julian. She may be more a weapon than –

"She's my daughter," Julian said firmly but without any real anger, "And I'll get her back from the murderous bastards who took her from me if it's the last thing I do."

~~~~~

The sudden, thunderous blast of commotion coming from just beyond her door woke her. She could hear panicked voices growing louder but could not make out who they were or what they were saying. But the sense of urgency was unmistakeable.

She sat up quickly, casting back her blankets and made for her door.

As soon as it hissed open she was hit by a wall of noise and the clamour of medical personnel bustling about, making for the med bay in a panic.

"He's coding!" Someone shouted.

Eira hurried to the med bay only to have the doors shut in her face. She had caught a glimpse of something large and clunky on the exam table but the swarm of techs surrounding it made it impossible for her to tell who was injured.

She moved around the corner to where she had noticed windows before but saw that they were fogged out to provide privacy.

"It's Archangel."

Eira spun around only to bump into Shepard. He was still wearing his hardsuit and when she hit his chest it nearly knocked the wind out of her.

He grabbed her arm as she stumbled backwards gasping.

"Are you alright?" He asked quietly while looking over her shoulder to the med bay.

She inhaled sharply, quickly refilling her lungs, and nodded. "Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come up."

She saw Miranda appear behind him, her gun still strapped to her hip. Next to her was Jacob, who was also armed and had a disconcerting look on his face. They were both covered in dirt and grime, with dozens of scratches and small burns over their faces.

Eira looked to Shepard. Sweat and dust covered his face and dark, angry bruises were blooming around his right eye.

"What happened?" Eira asked quietly, in almost a whisper.

"Archangel…is Garrus Vakarian." Shepard said evenly, a pained look in his eyes. His jaw was clenched and he was looking beyond her to the closed door of the med bay, seemingly oblivious to much else beyond the chaos in Chakwas' clinic.

"Who?" Eira asked, looking over his shoulder to Jacob.

Jacob swallowed hard, "A turian. Used to be part of C-Sec," He looked toward the med bay, "He was part of the original Normandy's crew. He took a really bad hit."

Eira looked back to Shepard.

His friend…

"I –

Shepard stiffened, "Chakwas has him…he's in good hands." He blinked and it seemed to shake off the solemn trance he had been locked in. But Eira couldn't cast aside the feeling that he was trying to convince himself more than her.

He turned to Miranda and Jacob, "Drop your gear off in the armoury, and take care of your wounds. We'll debrief in the comm room in thirty."

Eira watched as he made for the elevator and the entire floor became silent save the muted sounds of doctors hurrying to save Archangel in the med bay.

~~~~~

The pure elation Shepard felt at discovering that Archangel was Garrus was quickly turned on its head when the gunship sprayed him with rounds. Garrus was a piece of his past, one of the few that he'd been lucky enough to have walk back into his life since his revival. But a hit from a rocket had jeopardized that.

The thought that Garrus might not make it crept into his mind and he immediately felt sick to his stomach. He'd lost too many friends in his life; Luca, Kaidan, his unit on Akuze…

He was tired of being the last one left standing.

Shepard stripped out of his armor and slowly made his way to the shower. His body ached fiercely, his arms and legs feeling like they weighed a ton, and he had to silently urge himself forward. He walked past the shattered remains of his mirror without a backwards look, stepping into the bitter cold torrent of water with a pained hiss. A wound he had forgotten about stung on his side, sending sparks of pain over his chest.

As he reached over to examine the wound better, he noticed a long angry wound running from his wrist to his elbow on his left arm.

Fucking varren…

His hardsuit had protected him from the full force of the varren's bite, but the suit had pinched and twisted his skin. A black and yellow bruise had risen and was transected by a long, jagged slash that distorted the tattoos on his forearm.

Cursing under his breath, he turned off the water and set about trying to find his omni-tool in the pile of clothes and armour he had left scattered on the floor of his cabin. He found it surprisingly fast, tucked under his chest piece near the foot of his bed, and applied a quick dose of medi-gel to stop the slow but steady stream of blood that oozed from the wound.

As the bleeding slowed, Shepard flopped down on his bed, naked and dripping wet. Looking down at the wound and the tattoos that did nothing but remind him of a time he'd rather forget, he couldn't help but think about what Eira had said.

_"I like them."_

After getting over the initial shock of her words, Shepard was immediately defensive and angry; reactions he was accustomed to and that had dominated his life prior to joining the Alliance. The images that dominated his arm were dark and more than half of them were done while he was high on red sand.

They were disgusting, vile, horrifying. He hated them, he hated this new and foreign body he'd been brought back to that was more machine and cybernetics than flesh and bone. He didn't want any of it, the resurfacing memories least of all.

Eira had doubted I was real…oh, how little she knows…

Hissing through clenched teeth, Shepard felt an old, familiar anger wash over him. His chest tightened until he finally managed to force the breath he'd been holding out, expelling a portion of his anger with it.

His mind stuck on his talk with Eira on the observation deck, the look she gave him as he left flashed in his mind and the lingering remnants of his anger dissipated.

Those pouty lips of hers curving into a soft, pale smile; her doe-like eyes bright and cheerful…

Fuck! Stop it!

Shepard cursed himself, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his fists against them.

She was safe and he didn't know what to do with that. She knew nothing about his life prior to the Alliance and only what was in the mission reports he'd provided. Would she still smile like that if she knew he'd gotten Luca, his best friend, killed? Maybe, if she was a good enough person. But would she still smile if he told her why he'd chosen to leave Kaidan behind on Virmire? Why he had to be the one to succumb to the nuclear inferno they'd unleashed on that lab?

Ash…

He loved her, allowed himself to get closer to her emotionally then he'd ever allowed himself to be with anyone before. And a good man had died because of it.

Selfish…a choice he'd have made back when red sand and whiskey controlled his life…

He couldn't stop others from getting close, those who had been there from the beginning. But no one else needed to know.

They…Eira…would be better off sticking to what the media reports said about him.

Spacer…Sole-Survivor…Paragon…the best the Alliance had to offer…

Everything else just complicated things.

~~~~~

Shepard left the comm room after Miranda, Jacob, Chakwas and Garrus had already left to return to their posts.

How Garrus was alive, Shepard still wasn't quite sure, but he was damn glad for it. Another person in his new life that he could truly trust was better than any other resource Cerberus could provide. Having him on the team felt like a win and gave Shepard a feeling akin to real confidence, hope. Like maybe he didn't have to fake the faith in the mission he was supposed to have.

Approaching his terminal next to the galaxy map in the CIC, he pulled up his unread messages. He quickly flicked through the ones flagged as being from the Illusive Man, paused for others from Cerberus R&D regarding armour for 'Valkyrie', and was nearing the end when one caught his eye.

Anderson…

That he wanted to meet on the Citadel didn't surprise Shepard, but that Anderson seemed willing to believe that the real Shepard was alive was unexpected. But then again, Shepard thought, Anderson had always believed in him.

"It's over, child, it's done."

He made up his mind almost immediately – the Citadel was going to be there next stop. It made sense to reconnect with Anderson, to try to repair his ties with the Council, maybe get their backing.

But he was also hoping to have the chance to ask Anderson about Ash.

"Commander?"

"Eira." He said simply, glancing over his shoulder at her when she remained silent.

She was wearing a tight black tee with Cerberus' logo plastered over her right breast and grey slacks. With her long hair tied back in a loose, messy ponytail, she certainly didn't look like she fit in on a starship. But, Shepard admitted to himself, she did look cute.

Her bangs were in her eyes but he could tell something was on her mind - she was frantically chewing the inside of her cheek.

"Everything alright?" He asked when she still said nothing.

She gave a quick smile as she sighed, "I was just about to ask you the same thing actually."

"Garrus is going to be alright," he said happily, something akin to relief washing over him as he said the words aloud, "Docs' patched him up with some cybernetics, he's good as new."

She smiled, as pure and soft as the one she'd given him on the observation deck and Shepard felt something inside of him wanting to do the same.

"That's good to hear." She visibly relaxed, "Planning your next move?" She asked, motioning to the active terminal behind him.

Shepard nodded, "We'll be heading to the Citadel next. I have to speak to an old friend of mine." An idea came to him and he caught her gaze, not failing to notice the hint of blush on the apples of her cheeks. "I'd like you to come along."

Surprised, Eira stammered to respond. "I…I've heard of the Citadel. Corrine said it was massive."

"It is." Shepard said, "There are millions living on the Citadel. Humans, asari, hanar, drell…its diverse, there's a lot to see." His voice softened, "It will be busy, chaotic, but you can actually see some of the things you've read about."

The prospect of doing just that brightened Eira's eyes.

"I'm in."

"Good. You'll need to wear something more appropriate though," He nodded at her and seeing the confused look she gave him continued, "You'd look pretty strange walking around next to two well-armed and heavily armoured soldiers when you're wearing slacks."

The light-hearted tone of his voice surprised even himself, but he buried the uncertainty it brought up in him and rooted himself to the moment, pinning his façade back in place and taking a deep breath.

Eira smiled and his façade shifted as his focus was pulled to the curve of her lips and the sweet softness they offered.

He clenched his teeth as he screamed at himself inwardly.

_Stop! Stop! She's a kid, she's nothing to you! You don't care about her, don't think about her! Keep your distance!_

He cleared his throat, "Cerberus has sent us a new suit of armour for you. We'll be in the Serpent Nebula in a few hours. Get some rest and be ready to suit up and head for the airlock when I give the word."

Excitement and apprehension rushing through her, she nodded quickly and hurried off to the armoury to get a look at what Cerberus had sent for her.

In her excitement she didn't look back. If she had, she would have seen the subtle curve in Shepard's lips, the pinch in the corner of his mouth that threatened to turn into a smile.


	10. Citadel & Whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eira visits the Citadel with Shepard.

Eira was trying her best to contain her excitement, but it bubbled over into the biggest smile she could muster. If she had known something so amazing existed beyond Nafna Station, she'd have found a way off years ago.

"This place is massive!" She exclaimed as they stepped out of the airlock onto the Citadel's docking bay, scanning the area with gleaming wide eyes.

The neon lights were nearly blinding and she was certain she'd have a migraine later but she couldn't help but look at them, enamored by their shapes and colours.

"Never seen anything like it, kid?" Garrus asked from beside her.

Eira shook her head, "Not even close. I'd heard of the Citadel of course, some of the lab techs on the station spoke about it, but no one ever told me it was like this." She smiled, "It's amazing…"

They followed Shepard down a hallway leading to a security checkpoint. He'd mentioned visiting the Presidium, but she'd hardly paid attention when the fact that she'd be getting off the ship registered.

Just then she realized she hadn't thanked him from bringing her along.

She looked ahead to Shepard. The officer guarding the checkpoint had just stopped him and was running some sort of scanner over him while saying something she couldn't quite hear.

"What's going on?" She asked, looking up to Garrus for an answer.

She saw his mandibles flare and wondered what that meant. He was the first turian she had ever met. Of course she'd read plenty of books about their culture, their history; reading was all she really had on Nafna. But he was the first she'd actually seen.

His brush with death on Omega had left half his face and neck badly scarred and blown away a large chunk of the ridge of armour around his shoulders away. Considering he'd taken a rocket to the face, Eira figured he was lucky.

Garrus shrugged, "I assume his being dead for two years is messing with their recognition software."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the door hissed open and they were permitted onward. Shepard stopped to speak with a C-Sec captain and with Garrus sticking close to him; Eira allowed herself a moment to take in her surroundings.

Ahead of her was a wall of trees and flowers she'd never seen before, not even in books. Asari, krogan, salarian and turian wandered the floor, moving between shops and restaurants without a care in the world.

Her excitement at her new surroundings ebbed and faded as she wondered if they knew, or cared, about the Reapers, about the colony abductions. The reports she had read indicated that there was a lack of acceptance that the Reaper threat was imminent, or real, but she couldn't believe people seemed so care free when two years ago the very station they were standing on had been nearly decimated.

"Quite a sight, isn't it?" Shepard asked as he moved to stand beside her, having sorted out the situation with the C-Sec captain.

She looked so out of place in the rustle and bustle of the station he couldn't help but smile ever so slightly. The armor Cerberus had given her was of very high quality and hugged her every curve like a second skin. Sleek hard plating covered her calves, thighs, chest and arms while a tightly bound membrane underneath allowed for flexibility. The entire suit was black save the yellow Cerberus logo on her chest plate and the stark contrast made her hair and skin appear to glow. She had an M-6 Carnifex strapped to her hip and an M-15 Vindicator fixed to her suit on the small of her back.

The hardsuit and weapons were of excellent make, but Shepard had been in the military long enough to recognize when someone felt uncomfortable in their gear.

Just one more thing for her to get used to, he reasoned.

"It's beautiful," she said with a small smile, "It just doesn't seem right, though."

Confused, he turned to look at her and saw unease painted clearly on her face, "What doesn't?"

Eira raised her arm, gesturing at everything around them, "Two years ago this was destroyed. The people here, the ones that lived through it, they saw the threat you've been trying to warn them about." She shook her head, flabbergasted that a direct attack wasn't enough to spur anyone but Shepard and Cerberus into action, "They saw it and they still don't believe it…"

Shepard watched her. Eira's focus shifted around the room and he could tell from the slowly deflating smile on her lips that her impression of the station, or at the very least of its inhabitants, was souring.

"They don't want to believe anything is wrong. They say its human nature," he sighed, "but I'd say it translates to other species pretty damn well."

"Not very reassuring isn't it?" Eira asked in a whisper, looking to him out of the corner of her eyes with a sad look. "Even after everything you and your team discovered two years ago it doesn't seem right that so little has been done."

"We're here now," Shepard said with a sharp intake of breath, "What we do here and now can make all the difference. We stop believing that and the Reapers have already won."

Her eyes met his and the questioning doubt he saw there immediately compelled him to alleviate some of her concern.

"You haven't been off that station very long, Eira. I know this is a hell of a lot to take on." He took a step closer to her and spoke quietly so only she could hear him, "But we're not out of this yet. It isn't hopeless."

He felt like he was lying to her, or at the very least leading her to believe it was all going to end without consequence. In truth he had his doubts. Could he make it through the Omega 4 relay? That much he held faith in accomplishing. But destroying the Reapers entirely? Without more help it was a fool's hope and nothing more. So much was riding on him and he felt like he was fumbling in the dark, searching for a solution he wasn't entirely certain was there.

But Eira didn't need to know that.

He needed her committed to the mission and believing it could be done. He could handle the doubt, the fear of failure and the unknown. While all he needed to be was the Commander, he could hide every trace of fragility behind his façade. All else was buried inside him as deeply as he could muster.

The days were easier that way.

Eira nodded and swallowed hard.

He looked at her more closely and saw a lingering sadness in her eyes though.

This place wasn't what she'd hoped it would be and the devastation of that gleamed in her red-tinted eyes. He urged himself not to be moved. She was a naïve little girl and her view of the galaxy was sure to change as she actually experienced it. It had to change if she was to survive. Pouting at every disappointment would only get her killed. But the part of him he'd tried so hard to supress, the aspects of himself he couldn't afford to acknowledge as the Commander, compelled him to try to lighten the somber veil that had fallen over her.

"Stay here a moment." He said hurriedly as he made for a small shop tucked in the corner of the market.

He ignored the shopkeepers' awed stammer of a greeting and scanned the displays, choosing the first thing he saw that felt right to him and paying quickly before returning to Eira.

She had remained right where he'd left her and her eyes were wide with surprise and curiosity.

As he approached her, his hand clutching the small trinket tightly, he was overcome with a sense of gracelessness he was horribly unaccustomed to.

On the battlefield he was an artist, there was no one alive or dead who would deny it. He dodged gunfire, mortar fire and oncoming missiles like it was child's play, often without a second thought or fear about death looming over him. Everything after Akuze had been just that. And it was a dance he could perform in his sleep, which had been what made slipping into auto-pilot so damn easy.

Now though…now he felt like he was being jerked from that pace he had established. It had all made sense as he had entered the shop, keep her from falling into a mindset that wouldn't allow her to do her job, but walking towards her and being the sole focus of her gaze made him second guess himself.

Eira could see he was uncomfortable but couldn't for the life of her understand why. After all, not two minutes ago he was reassuring her as any confident leader would do, but now…

"Commander?" She offered softly as he stood before her on the crowded market floor, "Is there something –

She was cut off by his hand roughly grabbing hers and pressing something small into her palm before quickly pulling back and taking a small step away from her, putting distance between them that seemed to alleviate some of the tension in his features.

Eira opened her hand to see a silver charm bracelet coiled in her palm. It was simple, but the chain was strong, comprised of links woven tightly together like a braid. There was a flat charm with a detailed engraving of the Citadel emblazoned upon it, the year written in an elegant, curved script just below.

The crowd swarming around them seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of them, and he felt horribly exposed. He swallowed the anger it brought out in him and tried to brush off the discomfort.

Shepard watched her closely from the corner of his eye.

Her eyes opened wide in surprise, then her expression softened and her lips curved upwards in a smile that caused a strange flutter of emotion to ripple upward from his stomach; which had been so tensed and knotted not a second before.

Her gaze rose back to the Commander as she clasped her fingers tight around the bracelet.

"Thank –

"It's nothing," Shepard interrupted with a shrug, "You always wanted to come here, right? It's just…something to remember it by." He cleared his throat and attempted to look her in the eye only to find that he couldn't bring himself to. Instead he looked just past her, "It's…it's just nothing."

Eira nodded.

She could see Garrus approaching them from the corner of her eye but the weight of the charm in her hand prevented her from breaking her focus on the man before her. His discomfort was plain for her to see. The not-so-subtle way he kept his gaze down and away from her spoke to a frailty that seemed so misplaced in a man armed with half a dozen guns and a high-tech hardsuit built for battle. She felt the sudden need to reach out to him, however she could do nothing but stare at him and his pale blue eyes fell upon her.

"Guys?" Garrus said as he joined them, breaking the silence that hung between them, "Where are we headed?"

Whatever reverie Shepard was locked in broke and he turned to his old friend.

"The Presidium," he said in a stern voice, "I heard from Anderson."

"Whatever happens, Shepard, at least someone in the Alliance believes you're really back." Garrus said solemnly, hoping to alleviate some of the doubt he knew the Commander was dealing with.

Shepard gave a curt nod, turning silently on his heels and making for the platform to hail a cab.

Eira followed quietly behind them.

~~~~~

"Shepard!" Anderson said with a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief as he approached his old friend, "You are a sight for sore eyes, my friend."

The two embraced, smacking each other firmly on the back as they parted.

Eira stayed off to the side with Garrus, allowing the two men some degree of privacy as they caught up.

She wasn't sure why, considering she hadn't even spoken a word to the man, but she immediately liked the Ambassador. She supposed it was the grandfatherly warmth he seemed to possess but when Shepard had seen him he'd smiled, it was slight but she had seen it, and that was more than enough cause to like the older man.

Eira heard Shepard ask about his old crew and her curiosity was piqued. She knew Garrus had been a part of Shepard's crew back on the SR-1, but she wondered who else had fought with him. She had intended to search the extranet for more information but this, she supposed, was a far more reliable source.

Nibbling on the inside of her cheek, she tried to ignore the feeling that she shouldn't be eavesdropping, that she should just sit quietly with Garrus, and focused on Shepard's voice.

"Anderson…have you heard about Williams?" Shepard asked stiffly, "Do you know where she is?"

The Ambassador paused, then said with a heavy sigh, "I can't tell you, Shepard. She's on a highly classified assignment and as long as you're with Cerberus…I just can't."

Eira risked a glanced over to the two men and saw a shroud of disappointment and hurt fall over the Commander.

"I know you and the Chief were…close, Shepard." Anderson continued, "And I'm sorry I can't tell you more, please understand."

Shepard nodded, "Of course, Ambassador."

Eira saw Anderson wince at the distancing use of his title instead of his name, but chose not to call Shepard out on it.

In a voice hoarse with emotion, the Ambassador spoke, "It's damn good to see you in one piece, Shepard."

There was a tense moment of silence and she saw the Commander's jaw clench as if he was debating speaking, but in the end not a word passed through his lips.

Shepard merely nodded curtly to the man, turned, and walked briskly away.

Garrus and Eira had to jog to catch up to him.

~~~~~

Back aboard the Normandy later that night, Eira stared at the screen of her omni-tool, debating whether or not it was wise to key in the search her curiosity compelled her to.

_W-I-L-L-I-A-M-S_

Her finger hovered over the omni-tool, but she just couldn't bring herself to press 'search'.

She reached across the pile of reports Shepard had left her and picked up the bracelet. Running her fingers over the links of the chain, she watched the charm twirl slowly as it dangled from her fingers.

Shepard's words echoed in her mind.

_It's…it's just nothing…_

Was it? It had been years since she'd last received a gift. Corrine had last celebrated her birthday when Eira had turned fifteen. Every year after that, all she had given Eira had been a brief hug and a whispered wish for a happy birthday; nothing more. Thinking hard, Eira couldn't even recall what she had been given for her fifteenth birthday.

Her fingers grazed the charm and she swallowed hard.

She stood abruptly, fastening the bracelet around her wrist and donning a hoodie before leaving her room. The mess hall was quiet as she made her way to the main battery, having long since cleared out from the dinner rush. She hesitated only briefly at the door to the battery, not wanting to wake up the turian if he was sleeping, but decided to push on regardless.

The door hissed open and the clanking of tools told her Garrus was indeed awake.

She stepped around a huge piece of machinery and saw the turian fussing over something she had never seen before.

"Hey, kid," he said without glancing up, "shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"Shouldn't you?" She countered with a smile.

He laughed, "I suppose. But this gun's been neglected; someone needs to get it in order."

Eira frowned, confused, "This entire ship is new, hasn't even seen action if what the crew says is true. How can it be neglected?"

Garrus chuckled as he punched something into a console, "Because I haven't been here, kid. No one can calibrate a gun like I can."

With a laugh, she pulled herself up on a storage container pressed up against the wall, crossing her legs and looking to him, trying to find a way to approach what she wanted to ask him.

"Why don't you just ask it, kid?" Garrus said, crouching down by the gun and sitting with his back against it.

"W-What do you mean?" Eira stammered, unsure how he could possibly know what she was thinking.

Garrus snorted, "I've been around humans long enough to get a sense of their behaviour. Still an old race, you humans, but some things about you are easy enough to figure out."

"Like?"

He hummed and sat down the wrench he had been working with, "Respect, loyalty and fear…infatuation."

Eira looked away from him and pulled her knees up to her chest, trying to wish away the heat of the blush from her cheeks.

She spoke in a single, heavy breath, "I…don't know what you're talking about."

"Whatever you say, kid." Garrus' mandibles twitched into a smirk, "Still, if there is something you want to ask…"

Eira swallowed hard. It embarrassed her immensely that he knew, or at least thought he knew, how she felt about the Commander. She was this small, naïve girl the universe never knew existed and he was the one everyone worshiped. Whatever she felt, and she was unsure just what it was, it had to have been brought on by curiosity and gratitude brought on by him saving her.

Garrus…Shepard, would laugh in her face if they knew.

Whatever it was, whatever she felt…surely it held no merit.

"I…" She started, nerves and curiosity battling inside of her, "I was wondering who Williams was…"

Garrus nodded. He was more than willing to answer her question, and any other she had, though he was wary of hurting her. She seemed like a gentle soul, not someone he'd expected to see on a warship, but Shepard had spoken highly of her abilities. Such a sensitive topic would usually cause him to steer clear, but he had seen the way Shepard had acted when he gave the charm to her…

For a moment, Shepard didn't seem so miserable, so damn cold and stoic. For a moment, the walls came down.

"She's a Gunnery-Chief in the Alliance. She was with us on the SR-1. She and the Commander became…involved during our pursuit of Saren. She's still with the Alliance and, I suspect, doesn't know he's alive."

Eira nodded slowly, deflated and strangely hurt, "Oh…"

"Not really something the Alliance is keen on, 'fraternization'," Garrus said in an effort to lighten the sour mood in the air, "The Turian military is far more forgiving in that respect."

"I…see."

Garrus frowned, "I'm sorry…I-I didn't mean to…"

"No, it's alright," Eira insisted, "I asked it, didn't I? I guess…"

"What is it?" Garrus pressed.

Eira shrugged, "I just wanted to know more…about him, and I'd feel stupid asking the man directly," she hung her head, "Though I feel mighty stupid right now."

"Don't think that way, kid," Garrus reassured warmly, "Shepard has always kept people at a distance, which is why his getting involved with Williams surprised me. But since he's been back…well, dying changed him. He's much more distant, I mean, he could be standing right in front of me and I'd feel like he wasn't there."

Eira looked up, "Why is that, do you think?"

"Not sure," Garrus admitted, "He's one of my dearest friends and I'd follow him to hell and back, but the truth is I don't know much about him. And honestly, I think he wants it that way."

~~~~~

Shepard sat before the terminal in his cabin, his elbows on the table and his head resting in his hands.

He didn't know what he was doing, but he sat there, his terminal opened and a blank message opened on its screen.

His fingers touched the keys.

_A-S-H-L-E-Y W-I-L-L-I-A-M-S_

He selected her address from those that popped up and moved on to the main body of the message.

He hesitated only briefly, then took a deep breath and continued.

_Ash,_

_I don't know if you've heard, but I'm back, I'm alive._

_Anderson won't tell me where you are, but God I hope you're safe. I don't know what you've heard, but…but someone we both hate brought me back. And I suppose I'm with them, for now. I don't like it, but the Alliance won't help. Even Anderson doesn't trust me…_

_Please…please if you get this…respond; I need to know you're okay, that you're still kicking ass out there…_

_I miss you… I miss you…_

_-R.S._

Before he could convince himself to do otherwise, he clicked send.

He hurried away from his desk, collapsing on his bed and searching through the tangled sheets for the unopened bottle of whiskey he had stashed under the pillows.

Elation ripped through him when his fingers grazed the glass bottle, felt the familiar pattern of the painted label, and he pulled it out, making quick work of the seal and taking a long swig.

The familiar and satisfying burn made the pain in his chest ease and took another, and then another.

He thought the Presidium would give him answers, but none of his questions had been answered. The Alliance didn't trust that he was back and acting without manipulation from the Illusive Man, and he knew in his gut he wasn't going to win their support back anytime soon. Anderson didn't trust him either and Shepard wasn't going to feel better about that until the bottle was empty.

When the bottle was empty though, he felt no better but he did feel angrier. He wanted to scream until his chest burst, to scream to everyone who doubted him that he was who he claimed to be.

It was exhausting, the weight of everyone's doubt. Atop of being expected to save the galaxy, their doubt was crippling.

Shepard let out a long, defeated sigh.

He waited for the numbing bliss that whiskey typically brought him to envelope his aching body, but instead she passed through his mind, as did the look she had given him when he'd pressed that stupid charm into her palm.

…her expression softened and her lips curved upwards in a smile…

Stupid, he berated himself, stupid, stupid, stupid.

He squeezed his eyes shut and nearly wept when he realized he was out of whiskey. Surely more would make the pestering memory of her smile go away?

He fell back onto the bed and clutched the bottle tight.

It wasn't enough to make him forget the small smile she had given him…but it was enough to make him pass out.


	11. The Weak Link

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard takes a chance on Eira.

Eira stared at him, fascinated by the bizarre and oddly pained expression on his face, "Is he always so quiet?"

Gabby laughed, "Oh, God, no!"

She leaned over to whisper in the engineer's ear, "It's kind of weird. Are you sure he's alright?"

Ken grumbled from his spot across the table from them, shooting Gabby a lethal glare as he stabbed his fork into what they all assumed to be a potato.

With Rupert it was best not to ask too many questions.

"Let me tell you something about Kenneth, Eira." Gabby began with a smirk, "The man hones in on anything with tits and an ass and goes in for the kill. When he heard another woman joined the crew, he got a little too excited for my liking. I told him if he was going to eat with us he had to be polite or be quiet." She winked at Eira, "The threat of violence may or may not have been used to ensure his cooperation."

Eira laughed, "Um, thank you, I suppose?"

"Not a problem," Gabby playfully elbowed her, "I consider it a public service really!"

"I've got to ask though, what was the threat?" Eira asked quietly, hesitant to hear what Gabby had come up with but unable to keep herself from smiling all the same.

Gabby shrugged, "Just mentioned how easy it would be for someone to mistake his Fornax collection for trash and space it."

"Fornax?" It was nothing Eira had ever heard of before and she caught a glimpse of Ken's gobsmacked expression as she turned to Gabby for an explanation.

"It's a…um, rather explicit adult magazine." Gabby said rather quickly, a little surprised by the question and never in a thousand years thinking she'd have to explain it to somebody. "The models are rather, um, exposed."

Ken slammed his fork down, unable to bite his tongue any longer, "Naked! They're naked, girl! Gloriously, beautifully naked! Asari, quarian, drell…" He gave a dopey smile and sighed, "God bless, 'em."

Eira blinked rapidly, startled by the enthusiasm in his voice.

"I'd be more than happy to show you my collection, girl." Ken offered with a wink, "January's model was particularly…limber. And the center-fold!" He sighed, "Just marvellous!"

"Ah ha!" Gabby exclaimed, jumping from her seat, "You lose, Donnelly! Out the air lock they go!"

A pained sound left the man as he leapt over the table and dashed to the elevator, desperate to beat Gabby and save his precious stash.

As the elevator doors hissed close Eira could hear the two of them bickering as they playfully exchanged punches.

Those two would be cute together, she thought to herself with a small smile.

Eira finished up her meal in silence by herself. The rest of the crew filed out of the mess hall a few at a time, none of them paying her any mind.

Just as she was finishing up, Eira felt a presence looming over her. She looked up and jumped slightly in her seat.

The Commander was quick to apologize.

"Sorry to startle you," he offered, taking a seat at her table, though making sure to keep a safe distance from her, "did you eat alone?"

She shook her head, "Gabby and Kenneth just left."

"You're making friends then?" He asked, hopeful that she was starting to truly settle in.

He knew that the majority of the crew still didn't know what to make of her but he was glad she wasn't been ostracized for it. It might go a ways in making her transition into the real world easier.

"I think so," she said with a small laugh, "don't have much practice in making friends, really. But they're good people."

"They are. Eira, I…" he hesitated, looking way from her quickly as if the direct sight of her pained him.

She noticed but said nothing, waiting for him to continue.

He gave a heavy sigh as the words left his lips, "I'd like you to come with Garrus and I on this next mission."

She hesitated only briefly.

"All right," she nodded, "where are we going?"

"Korlus, to recruit krogan warlord by the name of Okeer," he looked to her then, determined to make her understand the seriousness of the mission, "This isn't going to be like the Citadel. This is real. There is likely going to be mercs trying to kill us and I'm going to need you to be ready to cover my back."

She nodded quickly but seemed overwhelmed.

He didn't intend to scare her but he felt better about his decision knowing she seemed to grasp the seriousness of the task before them.

"You trust me with this?" She asked in a small voice, "I get it if you don't."

"I wouldn't ask you along if I didn't. Besides, I need to see how you do in the field," he forced a small smile in the hopes of easing some of her anxiety, "Better now than later."

~~~~~

"You okay, kid?" Garrus asked her as the shuttle entered the planet's atmosphere and they began readying their weapons.

Shepard had given them the official briefing and was now standing near the hatch, his focus fixed on the door and his mind evidently a million miles away. She wondered if he was always like this before a mission but knew it wasn't her place to ask. For all she knew it was her being on the mission that made him so tense. She couldn't blame him. He hardly had any reason to place faith in her and yet he was.

She was grateful for that, but not at the moment.

At the moment she felt like she was going to be sick.

Eira took a steadying breath and nodded as she pulled her gaze from the Commander. She knew her response was far from convincing, she didn't need to look at Garrus to know he didn't believe her.

"Well Shepard told me about the hit you gave him when you first met," he said warmly, hoping to encourage her, "If you turn that energy against our enemies I think you'll do alright."

"Remember to pace yourself with your biotics," Shepard interjected, seemingly drawn out of his reverie by the sound of their voices, though he still had his back to them, "Don't rely on them entirely or you'll burn out. Burn out in the field and you could get hurt. We can't afford to have a weak link."

Eira paled.

"We've got your back, kid," Garrus assured her quickly, shooting Shepard a confused look from the corner of his eye, "Just keep behind us, keep your barriers up and shoot the guys shooting at us."

~~~~~

Eira scrambled to get to cover and just managed to get behind the shipping container before the heavy mech fired a missile her way. It made contact with the wall in front of her and she winced as intense heat rippled back and over her. Thankfully her barriers were holding strong, and her hardsuit took little damage.

Over the chaos of gunfire and Jedore's insane ramblings, she heard Shepard's voice over her ear piece.

"There's a heavy coming your way, Eira!"

She tightened her grip on her hand gun and risked a glance around the container she was behind. As expected, Shepard was right. A massive heavy mech was zeroing in on her, raising its arms as it neared, its eye glowing red.

She knew her hand gun wasn't going to be enough to take the thing down. And for her shotgun to get the job done, she'd have to get close…too close for her liking.

Adrenaline rushed through her, bringing with it a panic that was hard to ignore.

Corinne's voice echoed in her mind and she delved deep inside herself, finding the shreds of courage her fear had not eaten away and holding tightly to them.

She caught movement to her left and saw Shepard tuck and roll into cover nearer her. He shouted to her as he reloaded.

She willed a surge of energy to encompass her, boosting her shields. She knew this would be pushing her limits, but felt confident it wouldn't break them. She had taken heavy mechs down before and there was nothing about this one that was any different than the others, she decided.

Eira holstered her hand gun and again tried to swallow her fears.

It's no different than a simulation…

She repeated it like a mantra, hoping to convince herself if only to prevent herself from being paralysed by fear.

You can do this…

She knew the weak spots on heavy mechs, knew how much focus to use to filter her biotics through the gaps in their armor near the joints. From there she could rip the mech apart from the inside out. How many had she taken down on Nafna doing just that?

She had this. Shepard wasn't going to regret placing his faith in her; she was not going to be the weak link.

She might even impress him.

That made her smile ever so slightly, despite the danger of the situation.

The mech's shadow fell over her.

_I can do this…_

As she rounded to face the mech, breaking cover, Shepard's shouts became more urgent, more panicked. She couldn't hear what he was saying; all of her focus was on her barriers and the mech looming over her.

The mech's gun pointed straight at her, she raised her hand and sent a flash of biotic energy outward, coursing through the mech's frame. The massive synthetic froze and its joints strained as the energy sank into it.

It wasn't enough though. She drew energy from her barriers and forced it into the mech, yet it continued to ready its weapon.

Shepard saw the blue glow of biotic energy fade around her and cursed under his breath. He knew what she was doing, knew how stupid it was. She was close enough to do damage with her shotgun if she had the mind to. With her biotics immobilizing the mech, she could bring the thing down with a few well-placed rounds.

But she wasn't reaching for the shotgun holstered on the small of her back.

The mech however was readying itself to fire a missile, its movements delayed because of the biotics but not halted.

Shepard ignored the gunfire that had him pinned down and made to move to her side.

He screamed her name but his voice was drowned out by the sounds of battle. He unloaded his thermal clip, peppering the hulking machine with rounds but doing little damage.

Eira didn't seem to notice his shots but she must have registered how dire the situation was, as she dropped her barriers completely, relying on her hardsuit to protect her.

She managed to shift the energy into a force push just as the mech fired its missile.

After that, there was only darkness.

~~~~~

The crippling migraine tearing through her skull woke her and she groaned, clutching her head and wincing as she rolled over.

"Woah, be careful there, kid."

She tried to open her eyes but the bright lights of the shuttle only drove the daggers deeper into her temples and she squeezed them close. She pawed at the ground, reaching out for the source of the voice.

"Garrus?"

She felt a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm here, kid."

"What happened?"

He sighed.

"The blast you caused ripped the mech to pieces and knocked you out cold. Shepard got you to cover and we cleared out the rest of the hostiles. Shut Jedore up for good. Okeer died, but we got our hands on one of his experiments that might prove to be useful. Our guys are planet side now prepping it for pick up."

Flashes of the moments before the blast came back to her. She remembered hearing the Commander's voice, remembered seeing him trying to get to her as she faced down the mech. She pressed her forehead to the cold metal of the shuttle's floor and groaned.

She'd wanted to impress him so badly, to show him that she was worth the risk, but what had she done? Gone in cocky, thinking that taking down a mech on the battle field was like the simulations on Nafna.

"Prepping it?"

"Commander wanted to get back to the Normandy ASAP, what with you out like a light. We're nearly there now. After we get you sorted we'll swoop in for pick up."

Eira tried to open her eyes again and vaguely made out Garrus's silhouette but little more. Her body protested, but she moved her head to scan the room, the small motion enough to send her head spinning.

She pressed her hands over her eyes.

"Is he…"

"He's here." Garrus said heavily, "And not in the chatty mood, kid."

With his help she sat up and the pounding in her head eased enough for her to see in front of her. Shepard was standing with his back to them, leaning against the hatch as he looked out the window at the stars. His weapons were strewn about the floor and his helmet was resting on his seat. Her vision focused some and she saw his hands clenched tightly at his sides.

He was livid. She didn't need to see his face to know that.

Eira tried to stand, wanting to go to him and plead her case, wanting to beg for another chance, but she stumbled.

Garrus caught her.

"Slow down, kid. We'll need Chakwas to look at you; you hit your head hard. You might have a concussion."

She let him help her sit back down.

"I'm so sorry," she muttered under her breath, afraid her voice would only anger him further but unable to remain silent, "I messed up…"

Garrus squeezed her shoulder, hoping to offer some degree of reassurance.

He didn't doubt that she had been foolish; he'd seen what went down. But he understood her desire to prove herself. And during the entire fight against Jedore's guards, when the shots were flying, he hadn't seen her cower or falter in fear; though he was certain she had felt it.

He looked to Shepard but the commander hadn't even flinched.

"You gave me a chance and I…I…"

"You fucked up." Shepard finished for her, his voice a low growl that spoke of a deeper, festering anger barely restrained.

Eira bit her lip and tried to will the tears welling in her eyes away. Looking at him now, she had no idea how she was going to salvage the situation. If he sent her away after this, she couldn't blame him and yet the very thought caused the tears to resurface and threaten to spill. There was nowhere else for her to go; she had to make this work.

She nervously spoke up.

"Commander –

Shepard pushed off from the wall and moved to the console, not once looking in her direction.

"Garrus when we get back to the Normandy I want you to take her to see Chakwas, just to be sure. Then meet me in the comm room. We've got to decide what to do with Okeer's experiment."

Garrus stood, "Of course, Commander. You have an idea?"

"I do, but I'd like to hear what Jacob and Miranda have to say before I commit to anything."

"I have an idea what Miranda's going to suggest," Garrus said with a small laugh, hoping to lighten the tense mood in the shuttle.

"As do I," he conceded, "but I'll hear what they have to say."

Garrus nodded toward Eira, his question left unspoken.

Shepard sighed. He wanted to scream at her, wanted to berate her for being so stupid and nearly getting herself killed. She had gone against everything he'd said prior to landing on Korlus and he felt like a fool for being so weak as to bring her along.

He had to be weak, how else could he explain bringing an unknown into a combat scenario? For expecting her to have his back when she was nothing but a little girl lost?

She relied entirely on her biotics and had jeopardized their mission, not to mention her life.

His scream caught in his throat and he risked a small glance at Eira, unkind words eager to leap from his lips.

But then he looked at her, actually looked at her.

He'd never seen anyone so crestfallen, so desperate for forgiveness.

She knew.

He gave an exhausted sigh.

The boiling rage he was feeling settled some as he realized she was fully aware of how badly she'd messed up. He'd speak to her later, when he was thinking clearly and didn't feel like he was about to collapse.

"Later," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand, "Let's just get back to the Normandy for now. We have a big ass paper weight to deal with."


	12. Uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard deals with the aftermath of Korlus.

"You're going to be fine, dear," Chakwas said with a reassuring pat on Eira's shoulder, "You were lucky really, your injuries could have been far worse. No concussion, but you have a few fractured ribs from the blast. Rest up and refrain from using your biotics until your migraine subsides."

Eira nodded.

"I will need to see you again within twenty-four hours to ensure you're showing improvement. You'll be dizzy and disoriented until then, so don't push yourself. If it gets worse though be sure to inform me straight away." She offered a smile as she looked up from her datapad, "Rest is the best medicine for you now, dear."

"Of course…" She swallowed hard and fidgeted nervously, what happened on the shuttle still replaying in her head.

It did nothing to tame the throbbing in her temples, but she couldn't will it away. The look of utter and complete disappointment on the Commander's face…

There was no way he was going to let her stay on the Normandy. But where could she go? There were no options for her, no one in her life who could take her in. And the thought of being left alone, one small person in a universe more massive than she'd ever realized, was terrifying.

She bit her lip to stop it from quivering.

"My dear, are you alright?"

Eira looked up and saw the doctor's concerned and sympathetic gaze had fallen upon her.

She nodded quickly and stood up from the exam table, faltering ever so slightly as her balance wavered. She quickly righted herself, grabbing onto the table before Chakwas could reach out to her.

Eira waved her away as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"I just need to lie down I think," she tucked her hair behind her ears and forced a smile, "I'm fine, really. The light is just hurting my head."

Chakwas wasn't at all convinced.

"Garrus told me what happened and I think you're being far too hard on yourself. From what he said, you didn't cower. The Commander was concerned for your welfare. Give him time to cool down and I'm sure all will be forgiven."

Eira shrugged, "Maybe…"

"Eira –

"Thank you for your help, doctor," Eira said quickly as she made for the door, "I'll take it easy, I promise."

Chakwas sighed heavily as the door hissed closed.

~~~~~

Eira made her way down the corridor, moving slowly so as to not fall. She kept one hand on the wall as she went to help steady herself but the intensity of the fluorescent lights made seeing where she was going difficult.

She paused and took a deep breath, suddenly feeling very sick. Her head spun and her knees felt weak.

Compounding the physical pain of the migraine was the looming knowledge that she was likely going to be taken off the mission. She had yet to speak with Shepard and she was not at all looking forward to doing so. She didn't know how she was going to convince him to give her another chance or if she even should. Her actions had jeopardized their mission on Korlus, how could that be forgiven? How could she be trusted with anything of greater importance?

Korlus was just one part of a larger, much more dangerous and vital mission. If she couldn't be trusted with one small piece then what right did she have to be on the Normandy?

Eira ran her fingers through her hair and leaned her full weight against the wall.

Over the pulsing pressure in her head, she heard a muffled sound approaching her and the muted sound of a voice getting closer.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to focus on the approaching voice but finding it difficult.

A hand grasped her shoulder and she could faintly hear her name being spoken.

She looked up and saw a familiar figure through the blurred vision of her pained eyes.

"C-Commander…"

The Commander said nothing as her eyes struggled to focus on him. The speech he had prepared all but forgotten, he brushed her hair out of her eyes to get a better look at her. As pale as she was naturally, he could tell some of her colour had left her. Her eyes were not bright or alert and she seemed physically pained every time she tried to open her eyes wider than a squint.

She muttered under her breath, trying to reassure him she was all right, but when he allowed her to shift some of her weight off of him she nearly tumbled forward.

If he did nothing to help her and she hurt herself fumbling blindly to her room he'd never hear the end of it.

With a frustrated sigh, he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to her room just further down the corridor.

She was small in his arms, just as weak and silent as she had been during their escape from Nafna. Only this time he wore no hardsuit to act as a buffer between her warmth and his skin. This time he could feel her breath against his shoulder, the torturous sensation of her chest pressing closer against his every time she took a breath and the gentle curve of her thighs as he slipped his arm under her knees.

An involuntary shudder rippled down his spine as a warmth he had not felt since being reborn enveloped him.

He looked down at her and scowled.

It was foolish, he told himself, to be so shaken by something so trivial. He tried to reassure himself it was merely a result of the two years he went without a physical connection, without the comfort of another touching him in even the most innocent of ways. It was a shock to his system.

The door to her room hissed open and he eased her down onto her cot.

He paused momentarily as he looked down at her. He knew he should just leave but he couldn't bring himself to, not just yet.

He sat on the edge of the bed and set about untying the laces of her boots.

"EDI, read me Chakwas's report on Eira's condition."

If Chakwas allowed her to leave the med bay he knew the findings couldn't be serious. But the young biotic couldn't even summon the strength to open her eyes and would likely have passed out in the corridor if he hadn't been by.

Eira gave a soft whimper.

He glanced up and saw that her fingers were clutching the sheets of her bed fiercely and her brow was furrowed. He'd never seen biotics react in such a way after unleashing a powerful blast but he knew Eira was a unique case. She had mentioned getting headaches when he had debriefed her upon her arrival on the Normandy but this was not what he thought she meant.

This was downright debilitating.

"Doctor Chakwas's report indicates no sign of brain injury," EDI answered, "Eira has four fractured ribs and is suffering from a migraine. The doctor suspects this is due to the intensity of the biotics Eira used on Korlus. She has been instructed to refrain from using her biotics until told otherwise."

Shepard tugged off Eira's boots and tossed them aside. He grabbed a blanket from the foot of the bed and pulled it over her, his hand lingering at her shoulder as he tucked the blanket around her.

He brushed her hair out of her face and with only a second of hesitation, allowed his finger tips to graze her cheek.

"Keep an eye on her, EDI."

"Of course, Commander."

"And alert myself and Chakwas if her condition changes."

He knew he was being foolish and paranoid, if Chakwas suspected her condition would worsen she would not have allowed her to step foot out of the med bay, but the words left his mouth before he could check himself.

He pulled himself away from her and made for the door.

"And EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"When she wakes tell her I'd like to speak with her. Let her wake on her on though," he looked back at her sleeping form over his shoulder, "she needs the rest."

~~~~~

When Eira awoke she had no idea what time it was, or what day it was for that matter. She felt like she had overslept though and slowly eased herself upright.

Her room was dark, which was a small mercy considering the throbbing pain that lingered in her temples. It flared as she sat up, and Eira winced and squeezed her eyes shut as the pain slowly abated.

"Good morning, Eira," EDI's voice greeted her warmly, "Did you sleep well?"

Eira gave a long, pained groan.

She felt like she'd been body checked by a krogan.

"How long have I been asleep?" She asked in a whisper as she tentatively ran a hand over her bruised ribs.

"Sixteen hours, fourteen minutes and thirty seconds."

She sprung upward so fast her head screamed out in pain and she nearly toppled forward.

"Why didn't you wake me?" Eira asked as she caught herself and began frantically searching the floor around her bed for her boots. The Commander was already furious with her; she hated to think of how irate he would be after this.

"Commander Shepard brought you to your room after you nearly passed out in the hallway. He requested I keep an eye on you and allow you to wake on your own. I was also instructed to inform you that he wishes to speak with you."

Having found her boots near the foot of her bed, she glanced at EDI's hologram.

"He…he brought me here?" Eira asked in confusion as she strained to remember what happened after she left the med bay.

"Correct. He inquired as to your condition and requested you see him as soon as you woke."

Eira brushed the knots from her hair with her fingers and pulled it back in a messy ponytail before pulled her boots on.

"Where is he now, EDI?"

"The comm room," EDI responded, turning the lights in the room on dimly, "His meeting with Operatives Lawson and Taylor should be concluding shortly, should you wish to seek him out there."

Sher knew there was no putting off the inevitable. He'd know soon enough that she was awake and attempting to avoid him on his own ship seemed downright foolish.

She resigned herself to her fate with a heavy sigh.

"Thank you, EDI, I will."

~~~~~

"She's a danger to herself," Jacob said evenly, "It might be best to ask the Illusive Man to find another way she can help our efforts, one that's not on the front lines."

Miranda huffed and crossed her arms, "Damn right she is! We can't afford to have a weak link on this ship, Shepard. And that's what she is. If she does that again on a mission she could get you killed!"

"Ease up, Miranda," Jacob cautioned, "She fought with the weapons she's used to – her biotics. We can't fault her for going for what she's most skilled with. I'm just saying it might not be wise to throw her out in the field again without giving her more training."

"Our mission is too important to –

"We know that, Miranda," Shepard said from the head of the comm room desk where he sat, "And I saw it happen, saw her mistake firsthand. Don't think I don't know what another mistake on her part might cost us." He sighed, "I just don't know how wise it is to discard a biotic as powerful as her."

He spoke the truth, but only a part of it. The other part, the one he wasn't willing to acknowledge fully let alone give voice to, was that removing her from the mission and thusly never seeing her again, didn't sit well with him.

In fact the idea of not having her around, of sending her back to the Illusive Man, felt so wrong the very thought made him uncomfortable.

"We have other options," Jacob said, pushing forward the dossier on 'Jack'.

"Eira's here right now," Shepard rationalized, "This 'Jack' might not agree to help us. And at the end of the day, how much can we trust a convict?"

"True enough," Jacob conceded, "Eira just needs more field experience –

"Which we don't have the time to give her, Jacob," Miranda interrupted with a hiss. "We can't coddle the girl. Not with the Reapers nearly on our doorstep."

Shepard raised his hand to stop them, unwilling to allow the circular argument to continue any longer. He knew how they felt, now a decision needed to be made.

"Let me take care of it."

Miranda sighed, "Shepard –

"I'll speak with her and find a way to get her properly trained," he shook his head as Miranda made to protest; "We can't toss aside a potential resource, Miranda. I'm not ready to write her off just yet."

"As you say, Commander," Jacob said while sorting through the datapads scattered on the desk to find the report on Okeer's experiment, "With that decided, can we move on to discuss our newest crew member?"

One look at Miranda told Shepard that the argument about Eira's future on the mission was not over and he did not entirely fault her for that. Cutting loose the weak link made sense. It was weakness on his part that made him hold on to her.

He merely hoped he would not come to regret it.


	13. Sowing Seeds of Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Eira discuss what happened and Eira meets the Normandy's newest addition.

The door to the comm room hissed closed as Miranda and Jacob left him alone. Neither had been overly thrilled at his decision regarding Eira. Nor had either been entirely in support of his choice to wake Okeer's experiment, but 'Grunt', as he had opted to be called, had thankfully revealed himself to be less crazy than the Cerberus agents had anticipated.

Grunt was sure to pack a heavy punch and be a valuable asset to the team. Shepard was relieved that the mission had ended so well, considering Okeer had died and Eira had nearly died, it had almost had a very different ending. Now they had another heavy-hitter on their team.

They were stronger than they had been only hours ago, but that was no reason to slow down now. He knew they could not lose momentum, no matter how exhausted he was.

He was pouring over the remaining dossiers and reports he had strewn out on the desk, trying to determine their next course of action when the comm room door hissed open.

He looked up to see Eira standing in the doorway, looking exhausted despite how long she had slept but more alert than she had been when he'd found her in a daze in the hallway. She had her arms wrapped around herself and was shifting nervously on her feet. She seemed unable to look him in the eye and was chewing on the inside of her lip furiously.

Shepard stepped away from the dossiers and moved to the side of the long desk, his eyes fixed on her.

Somehow it didn't sit well with him that she was so uncomfortable to be in his presence. He understood it though. When last they'd spoken, he'd been seething with rage. Still, he remembered how warm she had been against him and how peaceful she had looked when he'd laid her down in her room and seeing her now, so close to fleeing or breaking down, made his stomach twist. It was all overwhelming, everything about her.

And that realization made him weak.

Just as she did.

"Eira."

She looked up timidly at the sound of her name, "Can I come in?"

Shepard nodded and Eira stepped into the room, allowing the door to hiss closed behind her.

"Did you sleep well?" Shepard asked awkwardly when Eira made no move to speak and the tension between them became too much.

Eira nodded, "Yes, thank you. My head still hurts though."

"Has Chakwas taken another look at you?" He asked, hoping his voice did not reveal the extent of his concern.

"Not yet," she admitted, "EDI said you wanted to see me, so I came straight here."

Shepard gave a nod, "I see." He took a step closer to her, pausing only a moment to gather his thoughts, "Eira…we need to talk about what happened."

Eira made to speak but Shepard raised his hand to silence her, "Let me speak first. Listen, then you can say whatever you'd like. Is that fair?"

He saw her swallow hard and shake for one brief moment, seemingly preparing herself for a tirade, but she remained silent and nodded.

"Your actions on Korlus were reckless," he began with as much calm as he could muster, "You did exactly what I told you not to do and it nearly got you killed. If I hadn't have gotten there in time, you'd have died, Eira. And I need to know you can hold your own if no one is able to swoop in and save you." He paused, "I should remove you from this mission…it would be a kindness that could very well save your life."

He saw Eira blink back tears.

"It's what I should do," Shepard continued, "It's what Miranda and Jacob think I should do…"

"I would not fault you for doing so…" Eira said in a whisper, unsure if she was yet able to speak.

He could tell she was sincere and that helped smother the anger that had threatened to resurface. That was something he knew she did not deserve.

"You are lucky your mistake left you with minor injuries," he continued without scolding her for speaking, "That being said…I am sorry you were injured at all."

Eira merely stared at him, surprised by his words and the sadness his voice held.

"We've decided our next step. We'll be recruiting a convict from a prison ship," he continued, "I've already decided to take Grunt and Miranda along with me. We'll be returning to the Citadel afterwards to resupply and recruit a thief Cerberus has secured for the mission, but then you and I are going to the shooting range."

Eira could not hide her shock but bit her tongue.

"Speak, Eira." He said gently.

She visibly relaxed, though it was clear something was still on her mind.

"I…I don't understand why you're bothering…training me, that is. And I don't understand why you aren't tossing me off the Normandy…"

"Do you want to leave?"

She shook her head, "But I think it's what I deserve. You can't trust me…"

"I want to, Eira. Despite what happened on Korlus."

It was an admission he hadn't been planning on making, but it escaped him before he could stop himself.

She looked flabbergasted, "Why?"

"You want to improve and you know you messed up. Those are admissions most are not strong enough to make."

Eira looked away from him, uncomfortable with what she saw as praise undeserved.

"I don't feel strong…"

"You are." Shepard assured her, "You need to be just as confident with firearms as you are with your biotics. I can help get you there. That's why I'm not removing you from the mission," he said honestly, "you have far too much potential to toss aside."

"But…what about Miranda and Jacob –

"They respect my decision," he said firmly, "and whatever doubts they have you're going to put to rest, right?"

Eira nodded quickly, "Of course, sir."

Shepard turned back to the desk of work he still had ahead of him.

"You should go see Chakwas, get checked out." He said over his shoulder, his back to her, "We'll be at the prison ship in a few hours; I want to hear that you've been to the med bay before we dock."

"I will, sir," she fidgeted where she stood, wringing her hands nervously as she debated whether or not to speak up, to risk souring the second chance she'd been given.

She looked at him and though his back was to her she could see the exhaustion and frustration hidden just below the surface. It was in the tension in his shoulders and the way his hung his head as he looked down at the datapads. Her gaze fell to the tattoos on his arm and she wondered why he had chosen images so angry, so violent. Whatever his reasons, they were beautiful but they were not what struck her about him every time they spoke. In fact she hardly noticed them. It was the cold blue of his eyes, the spanning expanse of his muscled chest his Cerberus issued uniform hugged so well…and the smallest hint of a smile he'd shot her only a handful of times since they'd met.

"Commander…" she began quietly, her voice wavering as she felt her cheeks flush. She looked away as he turned to face her so he'd not notice. "May I speak freely?"

Shepard hesitated only briefly before nodding.

Eira swallowed hard, "I want to thank you. I know this isn't a hand out; I have to work to earn back the trust of the crew…and you. I just want you to know that I'm grateful and I don't intend to disappoint you again…sir."

To her relief, he graced her with one of his half-smiles and for a moment he didn't look so beaten down by the weight of the task before him.

"I believe you, Eira…and you're welcome."

~~~~~

Eira grunted as Gabby heaved another crate into her arms.

"Are you sure you're okay to do this?" Gabbed asked, peaking over the package in Eira's arms to look her in the eye, "It's not like you can use your biotics right now. I don't want to overload you."

Eira smiled, "I want to help, Gabby."

"Hmm, well alright then, but only if you insist. Just leave them near the lift; I'll go wrangle Kenneth to help us with this. It's his damn fault the shipment wasn't prepped, he should be helping us fix his bloody mess."

Gabby hurried off, flustered and fuming as she set out.

Eira almost felt bad for Kenneth.

She made her way down the dimly lit corridor toward the lift, prepared to do as Gabby had instructed. She wished she could use her biotics, it would have made heaving the crates infinitely easier, but Chakwas had instructed her not to use her biotics for at least another two days.

Until then, heavy lifting had to been done the conventional way.

Just as she was about to enter the main corridor, a biotic field that wasn't her own enveloped the crates she was carrying and pulled them from her, moving them effortlessly and dropping them nearer the lift.

Eira turned and found the source of the biotics – a strange woman she'd never seen before wearing an angry scowl and little else. She blushed furiously as she registered that the woman wore belts for a shirt, leaving her breasts bare save for strategically places strips of leather, and averted her eyes but not before she saw that the stranger was covered in tattoos.

"Umm…thank you," Eira stammered when the strange woman said nothing, "My name is Eira, who are you?"

The strange woman scoffed at her, "Thought you were supposed to be some kickass biotic?"

Eira took a small step back, the anger in the woman's voice making her uncomfortable, and swallowed hard as she tried to find her voice.

"I…I was injured on the last mission," she explained in a murmur, "Doctor Chakwas has told me not to use my biotics until I'm better…"

The strange woman stepped closer to Eira and snorted in apparent disgust when Eira took a step back, trying to maintain a distance between them.

"I'm Jack," the woman said with a frown as she looked Eira up and down, sizing her up, "Didn't think I'd see another Cerberus experiment gone wrong here. Why the fuck are you helping them, princess?"

Eira hadn't a clue what the woman was talking about. Cerberus ran tests on her yes, but they had raised her and none of the tests harmed her. She had no parents, no family…only the lab techs and doctors who made up the team that cared for her. If it hadn't been for them, she'd have nothing.

She couldn't understand why Jack hated them. Hadn't they done the same for her?

"I was an orphan. Cerberus raised me and when people came to take me away they sent Shepard to save me." Her chin trembled as Jack's expression darkened with every word she said, "I'm here because I want to help. Cerberus thinks I can."

"How can you be so damn blind?" Jack demanded in a hiss as she closed in on her, "If you're an orphan it's because they killed your parents. And if they 'raised' you like they did me then you're weak for buying into their bullshit. That's how Cerberus works, princess. They take away all you have so you learn to be grateful for the scraps they give you."

Eira clenched her teeth so hard her jaw hurt. She shook her head, even as tears threatened to fall.

Her words hurt, but Jack was wrong. Corrine raised her, Cerberus saved her, the Illusive Man protected her…everything that went against those hard truths could only be lies. It hurt to even consider them being anything else.

Pain pulsed in her temples as her migraine flared. She clasped her hand to her forehead as the pain flashed behind her eyes and made her vision blur.

"You're wrong…" Eira managed in a pained gasp, "Cerberus saved me –

"Only so they could use you," Jack said with snort, "which they are."

"I'm here by my own choice!" Eira insisted, her body shaking as she stared down the tattooed woman.

Jack wasn't at all convinced.

"Where else would you be if you weren't here?"

Eira said nothing.

She had no one else in her life. Had the Commander removed her from the mission, she wouldn't know where to go. She'd be lost and alone.

She saw the smug look on Jack's face and felt anger rush through her. Her biotics flared and she was suddenly overcome with the urge to lash out, to hit Jack with everything she could muster.

Jack was wrong, she had to be.

Her biotics blazed blue on her finger tips and a stabbing pain shot through her skull.

She wasn't a tool.

She wasn't a failed experiment.

Corrine had cared for her.

Cerberus protected her.

"You're wrong…" Eira hissed as tears began to streak down her cheeks unbidden.

"Did they tell you the tests were for your own good?" Jack prompted, not at all deterred by the pain etched on the young girl's face, "That they'd make you stronger? How many times did they hurt you and say it was for your own good!"

"Leave me alone!" Eira screamed and turned on her heel, headed for the lift.

She wanted to get as far away from Jack as she could. If she couldn't, she wanted to blast Jack through the bulkhead to bring her the silence her pounding head demanded.

Her tear-fogged eyes fixed on the floor; she didn't see Shepard in her path until she collided with him.

Shepard grabbed her arms as they made contact, keeping her from falling backwards. He looked to Jack, who offered nothing in way of an explanation, before looking down at the trembling woman in his arms.

Eira's eyes were obscured by her bangs but he could see her chin quivering and tears running over her lips.

He looked back to Jack and scowled.

"She needs to know," Jack said with a shrug, "Call it tough love."

Shepard let go of Eira, leaving her near the lift, to pull Jack aside.

When they were far enough away from Eira, Jack jerked her arm out of Shepard's grasp and spat a curse at him.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Shepard demanded in a whisper, still mindful Eira might overhear something. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Get the fuck off my back," she seethed, gesturing angrily at Eira's shaking form. "Someone had to let the little princess know the truth!"

"Not you, Jack, and certainly not now!"

Shepard knew there was something Cerberus was keeping from him about Eira, knew that there had to be something shady about how she came to be at Nafna. He'd expect nothing less from Cerberus. But they had no proof and until they did he knew it was pointless and cruel to try to convince Eira that her entire life was one big lie.

"Stay away from her, Jack," he said firmly, "This isn't your place and I won't have you upsetting her for kicks."

Jack eyed Eira then looked to Shepard and laughed.

"Don't want me messing with your play thing, Shepard?" She taunted none too quietly.

Shepard's eyes darkened.

"If you can't follow orders I have no need for you on this ship," Shepard said coldly, "And when I say 'stay away from her', it's an order, Jack."

For a moment, there was only silence. Shepard saw Jack's focus shift to Eira again before she finally spoke.

"Fine, whatever you say, Commander."


	14. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marin visits an old friend, Kasumi joins the crew, and Eira hits the shooting range with Shepard.

Eira felt like a fool.

Kneeling in the middle of the corridor on the engineering deck, she tried to stand and make it to the loft, but her balance was off. She tried to calm herself but what Jack had said kept replaying in her mind.

She had seen the scars under Jack's tattoos, she knew something awful had happened to her, but she couldn't believe Cerberus was responsible for them. The very idea was impossible for her to comprehend.

Again she tried to stand and this time strong arms underneath her own helped her to her feet.

"Eira, are you all right?" Shepard asked as he took a step back, keeping a cautious eye on her in case she lost her balance once again.

She nodded, though she wasn't entirely sure she was fine. Jack's lies kept replaying in her mind, prodding at the foundation of everything she knew. The intense desire to scream and lash out remained, though the pounding in her head at least was lessening.

Shepard put his hand on her shoulder and guided her to the lift, stepping on with her and pressing the button to bring them to the mess hall.

He looked to her from the corner of his eye as they stood side by side in silence. She looked sullen and he could tell whatever Jack had said was still weighing on her.

"Whatever she said," he began gently, not wanting to upset her further, "Don't let it get to you."

Eira let out a shaky breath, "She said I was just an experiment. She said Cerberus used me and I don't have a family because Cerberus killed them." She looked at him with tear-filled eyes, "I don't know how to brush that off."

Shepard sighed. He was inclined to believe much of what Jack had told Eira. He knew how Cerberus operated. That they used her wasn't in doubt, not to him, but this hadn't been the way he'd wanted Eira to learn the truth.

She might not have the scars Jack did, but Eira was just as much a victim of Cerberus's ruthless tactics as the convict was. And callously confronting her with the truth wasn't what she deserved. What Jack had done had been done for her own amusement, not from a desire to have Eira know the truth.

"You're not on Nafna anymore, Eira," he said softly, "You're going to learn things about Cerberus that are going to be hard to believe and unfortunately they are going to be mostly true. Just know that you are safe on this ship and you are not just an 'experiment' to be tossed aside when its use has run its course."

All she could do was nod. There was a profound tenderness in his voice that startled her and made it difficult for her to not believe him. Cerberus couldn't be as bad as Jack had claimed but the Commander was right, now that she was off Nafna Station her world was much bigger than she ever dreamt it could be. And that world wasn't as safe as Nafna had been. She was going to face things more upsetting than the ramblings of a psychotic, tattooed biotic.

The lift slowed to a stop and the doors opened up to the mess hall.

"Go grab something to eat and get cleaned up," Shepard said as he punched in a new command at the lift's control panel, "We'll be at the Citadel in a couple of hours. I want you ready to go at the airlock when we dock." He gave a very small smirk, "We've got a thief to recruit and a shooting range to visit."

Eira gave a small cringe, having forgotten that he planned to take her to a shooting range to get her more comfortable with her firearms. She knew she couldn't ask for a better instructor and the chance to spend time with him was appealing (and terrifying), but she feared disappointing him yet again.

She stepped off the lift, "Of course, Commander. And thank you…for your help with Jack."

He nodded, "If she gives you anymore trouble, be sure to let me know right away."

"I will, thank you."

Shepard smiled.

Eira bit her lip and looked away.

_Stop thanking him,_ Eira scolded herself inwardly, _He's going to think you're even more pathetic than he does already!_

She could feel her cheeks flushing and wished she could disappear, or at the very least flee Shepard's bizarre gaze.

"I'll…see you later then," Eira stammered as she hurried away from the lift.

She wished she didn't feel like such a fumbling child when she was with him. People like Miranda had a natural grace she just couldn't grasp. She wished, at least when she was with Shepard, she had just a fraction of what Miranda had.

Maybe then she could stop embarrassing herself and letting him down.

She took one last look back at the lift over her shoulder and saw Shepard rubbing the back of his neck, gaze cast downward and that brilliant smirk lingering on his lips as the lift door slid closed.

Something fluttered in Eira's chest at the sight.

Maybe making a fool of herself wasn't such a bad thing, not if it gave her the chance to see him smile more.

~~~~~

_Afterlife, Omega, Sahrabarik System_

There was something strangely cathartic about stepping off the shuttle and onto the streets of Omega. The pressures and dangers his position held mattered little. On Omega he was nobody, and there was power in that. Anonymity brought freedom. He would be overlooked, ignored here and it was then he could really set to work.

Of course Omega held its own dangers, it was not place for the foolish and the naïve, but Marin found its dangers simple compared to the real dangers he faced pursuing his target. A would be pickpocket might pull a pistol on him or a bartender holding a grudge might poison his drink but those were nothing compared to what Cerberus might do to him if they caught him.

Marin made his way out of the docking bay and into the bustle of Omega's streets. Standing before Afterlife, he wasn't surprised to see it had grown since he'd last seen it. Aria's power had grown; it made sense her fortress would reflect that.

He bypassed the line of bickering patrons and approached the batarian bouncer.

He recognized the alien from time he spent doing Aria's dirty work and a small nod was all it took to gain entrance. The patrons waiting in line behind him hurled insults at him.

The pulses of the music hit him as the doors to Afterlife hissed open. He bypassed the bar and dancefloor and made for the stairs leading to a balcony overlooking the main floor. He knew Aria, like any queen she liked to look down on her subjects, watching them with smug satisfaction as they danced to her song. She'd be on that balcony, basking in all her success.

Anto stopped him as he approached, scanning him with his omnitool before letting him pass with a warning glare and a shove.

He'd never liked the batarian and had never understood why Aria kept him around, let alone relied on him as her second-in-command. The man was repulsive, even for a batarian.

Ascending the final flight of stairs, Marin came to stand before the Queen herself.

Lounging on a large couch, a glass of Noverian rum in her hand, and a seductive grin on her lips, was Aria T'Loak.

Despite having worked for her and been invited into her bed on numerous occasions, he knew better than to assume he 'knew' her. Aria didn't seize power by being so weak as to let people truly close to her. She was like a viper, deadly but so beautiful she was enthralling. You couldn't help but marvel to be in her company, despite knowing she might very well slip her knife between your ribs. Still, he couldn't deny that he was pleased his task with Julian had brought him to her doorstep.

"Look what the varren dragged in," she said with feigned awe, "I didn't think you'd grace me with your presence anytime soon, Nikolai."

He sat down a respectful distance from her.

"What can I say, you are a hard woman to stay away from, Aria."

Apparently unwilling to play their usual game, Aria merely looked at him as she took a sip of her rum. She was waiting for him to get to the point and he knew better than to tarry.

"A good friend of mine is looking for some information. I'd hoped you'd be good enough to help."

"You want dirt on someone, go to the Shadow Broker."

"I don't trust the Broker, I trust you…to an extent."

She smiled, "Wise."

"Aren't you the least bit curious what I came all the way from Earth to ask you?" He said as he leaned forward, knowing the playful jab would at least prompt her to hear him out.

"Aww, such a long trip just to speak to little old me."

"Some people are worth enduring hours on a cramped, cockroach infested piece of scrap metal, my dear."

Aria laughed, "You always had a way with words," she regarded him carefully and he noted her body language not as abrasive as when he first arrived, "Tell me what you need, Nikolai."

"Have you seen Commander Shepard?"

She quirked her brow, curious at his inquiry, "You're calling in favors to ask about Shepard? It has to be common knowledge by now that he is alive."

"It is. I'm more interested in a member of his crew, a young biotic."

Aria nodded, "I saw the Commander a few weeks ago. He was on Omega looking for a turian sniper and a salarian doctor. The only biotics with him were two Cerberus lackeys, neither worth searching an entire galaxy for."

"This biotic he's recruited…she's unique, a Cerberus project from the Pylos Nebula."

Aria gave him a knowing look, "Treading on dangerous territory, Nikolai," she smiled, "It's good to know some things never change."

"You've heard of her then?"

Aria gave a small shrug, "Heard of her? Yes. Seen her? No. I'd heard rumors Shepard was in the Pylos Nebula. What interest does your 'friend' have in her?"

"It's complicated…and personal."

He knew not giving her a straight answer risked angering her, which was dangerous on Omega, but he couldn't reveal more than Julian was ready to. Cerberus had to suspect he had something to do with the Nafna incident and the last thing Marin needed was more Cerberus spies on his or Julian's tail. Things were delicate enough as it was.

Eira might not be imprisoned on Nafna but she was still in Cerberus's hands. A misstep could be fatal.

"I need your help, Aria. I need you to press your contacts, let me know what you hear of the Normandy's movements and any sightings of the biotic known as 'Eira'."

She hesitated, sizing him up with an intense gaze he knew all too well.

Finally she spoke.

"I can do that."

Marin smiled, "And as a gesture of goodwill, I'll forward any dirt on Cerberus I find in my travels."

"Of course you will, Nikolai," she smirked, "You know better than to hold out on the good stuff with me."

~~~~~

_The Citadel_

Kasumi watched from a safe distance as Commander Shepard approached the screen she had hacked. He certainly looked like the Commander, but years of finely tuned self-preserving instincts were hard to ignore.

Trailing behind him was a man who, despite not wearing a Cerberus uniform, was most definitely an agent of the Illusive Man. And judging by the way he scanned their surroundings for possible threats, she put money on him being ex-Alliance.

She smirked.

Whoever he was, he was damn easy on the eyes.

But as distracting as the Cerberus agent was, Kasumi couldn't ignore the young woman who kept closer to the Commander's side. Beyond her albinism, the girl's body language told her she was out of place in the hustle and bustle of the Citadel. And that alone could have explained why she kept so close to Shepard – he was a marine after all. But Kasumi suspected the girl was compelled to stay close to him for other reasons.

She kept her conversation with the Commander short. It didn't take long for her to confirm he was the real deal and it didn't seem fair to make him talk to an advertisement for longer than needed.

She made for the Normandy, turning her cloaking device back on after allowing the Commander and his team a quick glimpse of her.

She was eager to get started on the mission. The creds Cerberus had offered only sweetened the pot, what she really wanted was to even the score with Hock.

Kasumi made a mental note to introduce herself properly to the pale young girl…and the Cerberus agent.

~~~~~

Shepard dismissed Jacob and the Cerberus agent made his way back to the Normandy, reluctant to leave and have only Eira there to have the Commander's back but trusting in his ability to defend himself if Eira faltered.

Eira walked beside Shepard in silence. They hailed a cab and headed for a level of the Citadel that looked nothing like the Ward levels she had arrived at.

"Are we headed to the Presidium?" She asked, tearing her gaze away from the amazing view out her window to look at the Commander.

To her surprise he already seemed to be looking at her, though he looked away quickly when she turned his way.

He nodded as he looked out the window on his side, hoping his feigned interest in the view was convincing.

"There's a range restricted to Spectres on the Presidium level."

"And…I'm going to be allowed there?"

Shepard risked a quick glance at her, "The Council reinstated my Spectre status. I have access and I've cleared you with Anderson under the condition I keep a close eye on you while we're there."

To say she was surprised would be an understatement.

"I…I don't see how I'm worth going through all this trouble."

Shepard wasn't sure what to say. The truth – that he was desperate for a distraction from the chaos aboard the Normandy, a chance to reclaim a fragment of sanity, and strangely eager to spend time with her wasn't something he was capable of speaking.

"Korlus was a close call," he said instead, opting for what he hoped came off as a rational explanation, "I don't want another slip up to cost you your life. And like I said, you have far too much potential to toss aside."

She nodded in understanding and remained silent until the cab dropped them off at their destination.

Eira followed Shepard closely as they made their way through the crowd. Everyone she passed reeked of wealth and influence, something she suspected would be very out-of-place in the Wards.

It made her feel uncomfortable.

Thankfully they didn't have far to go to reach the range. Shepard turned down a corridor that wasn't nearly as crowded and headed up a flight of stairs. At the top, they stopped at the first door they came to and Shepard opened the locked door's interface, imputing something Eira could not see.

"You'll need to stay close to me until we enter the main room," he said without looking up, "Otherwise the security system will be activated."

Eira swallowed hard and nodded.

The door hissed open and she followed him through. She kept close to him, desperate not to do something as mortifying as triggering the security system. As they made their way down the corridor, passing numerous scanners and sensors along the way, Eira couldn't help but appreciate the view.

Shepard had traded his Cerberus issued uniform and N7 armor for a fitted black leather jacket and dark jeans that hugged him perfectly. His years of training with the Alliance showed in the curve of every muscle. Sadly, Eira remembered Cerberus had rebuilt him. While she had no doubt he looked exactly as he did prior to the destruction of the SR-1, she wondered if it bothered him.

She wondered if he knew how beautiful he was.

They entered the main room at the end of the corridor and Shepard told her she was able to move about the room freely. It was far larger then she expected it to be, with long alleyways for shooting, walls of firearms, and numerous panels of what she assumed were safety glass.

She turned to Shepard and saw he had removed his jacket and pistol and was scanning the wall of guns with something akin to excitement.

"Which is your favorite?" She asked as she approached him to try to see what had caught his eye.

Shepard's focus snapped to her and he regarded her with confusion.

She gestured to the wall, "It's just the way you're looking at them. You must have a favorite."

He smiled and reached for a shotgun on one of the higher racks.

"The M-27 Scimitar," he said with a grin, "It's deadly at short range and has a high rate of fire, unlike other shotguns. It's popular with the Eclipse – a merc group – but the Spectres got their hands on the schematics."

The training Cerberus had given her on Nafna hadn't given her what Shepard clearly had – an appreciation and respect for the weapons he was trained in. She gave it a closer look. It was an impressive weapon, that much she could tell, but just looking at Shepard she could tell he saw more; that he knew every advantage and disadvantage the weapon held.

"Too advanced for me, I'd take it?"

He gave a light chuckle, "Right now, yes," he put the shotgun back and reached for a pistol, "We'll start with the M-5 Phalanx. It's an Alliance piece, a heavy pistol. It's got a hell of a recoil on it, but I think you'll be able to handle it."

He loaded the pistol with blanks and fetched two heavy looking vests from a nearby cabinet. Setting down the pistol, Shepard quickly slipped on his own before moving to help Eira with her vest.

"Just to be safe," he explained as he stepped closer to her, raising the vest up and over her head.

Her breath caught in her throat, Eira stood tense as Shepard fastened the buckles on the sides and waist of the vest. Shepard was so close she could feel the warmth radiating off of him and his breath tickling her neck with every exhale. When he went to fasten the belt around her waist, he wrapped his arms around her to thread the belt through. It was an innocent enough act, he was helping her after all, but it made her shiver nonetheless.

Shepard tightened the straps with a quick tug and stood back to make sure everything was in place.

He nodded and handed Eira the Phalanx.

"Your problem isn't that you don't know how to handle your pistol but that you rely too heavily on it. Your pistol needs to be an extension of yourself, just as your biotics are," he gestured to the gun in her hands, "How does it feel?"

She tightened her grip on the gun and moved to the long lane of the range, raising it to get a feel for its weight and balance.

"It's heavier than I'm used to," she admitted with a frown.

He stood behind her and looked down her extended arm. He reached around her and gently eased her arm up some, hand lingering on her forearm.

Despite the vests the feel of his chest against her back was impossible to ignore. He was warm and strong, and having him so incredibly close made her feel small and yet safe at the same time.

Eira let out a shaky breath.

"You'll get used to it," he assured her, lowering his hand but not moving from his place behind her, "fire off a round."

While the feeling of his breath on her neck was distracting, she did as he said and fired off a round at the target.

The recoil jostled her despite his earlier warning and she bounced backward, bumping into his chest with a small gasp of surprise.

Shepard gripped her waist to steady her.

"I told you." He said in a voice surprisingly low and laced with amusement.

He was teasing her.

Eira huffed, "Do you tease all of your students?"

She felt him shrug.

"You're the only one I've trained since I finished the N7 program."

"Really?" She asked with a quick look back at him over her shoulder, "Why?"

It hadn't escaped her notice that his hands remained on her waist, and she stammered without meaning to, his touch so warm it was startling.

He hesitated.

"I never liked training people."

Eira lowered the pistol as her smile, and the unexpected light mood between them, faded.

"Oh…"

Shepard shifted on his feet and withdrew his hands, taking a small step back from her.

"I…I didn't mean it like that," Shepard said quickly, averting his gaze from her when he saw how upset she was.

"I don't mean to be a burden," Eira said in a whisper, "I want to help."

"And you will, Eira," he assured her, "You already are."

He could tell she wasn't convinced.

She couldn't look at him and was seemingly lost in thought, nibbling nervously on the inside of her lip.

Shepard hated when she did that, it made it nearly impossible to look away from her.

He sighed, running his hand over the stubble on his chin as he inwardly scolded himself.

"Eira, no one has ever offered to help me against the Geth or the Reapers without asking something of me. Their help always came with conditions. Yours' didn't."

Her gaze tentatively rose to meet his.

"I'm here because I want to be." He said in a whisper, his voice full of conviction despite the softness of it.

"But…it's training," she said sadly, "I messed up on Korlus and now you're doing something you hate to help me. You should have capable people on your team, not someone like me…"

It angered him that she thought so little of herself, but he thought back to where she came from and it made sense. Her worth to Cerberus on Nafna was limited to what data they could gather from her in experiments. He suspected that, while she might not realize that, she must feel small in the world she was still so new to. Shepard's anger shifted to where it belonged – Cerberus.

As strong as they had made her, it was clear she had weaknesses Cerberus likely only reinforced.

"You're more capable then you realize, Eira," he reached for the pistol in her hands and a shiver rippled down his spine when his fingers grazed hers' and she didn't pull away, "And I want to be here."

Her big red-tinted eyes looked up at him questioningly.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded, "I promise."

The conviction in his voice startled him and he tensed as discomfort settled over him.

He wasn't sure where inside him that certainty came from.

Eira smiled, "I…thank you, Commander."

He handed the pistol back to her, a smirk on his lips despite his best efforts to smother it, "Let's get back to it. We've got a lot to go over today."


	15. Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eira has lunch with Shepard and Horizon approaches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe it's taken me this long to update! It's been a rough few months for me and I've sort of had to force myself to write even though I've not had the heart for it. I'm hoping to recommit myself to this story, as I really am still excited to delve into it. Thanks to all my readers for being so patient!

Eira and Shepard left the range hours later. Her arms ached fiercely but that pain had abated some when Shepard had told her he was pleased with how she had done.

They made their way back to the skycar lot to hail a cab back to the Wards when Eira's stomach grumbled – loudly.

Shepard laughed and stopped in his tracks, shooting her an amused - and incredibly handsome - smirk.

Eira blushed, placing a hand on her stomach, "Umm…guess I worked up an appetite."

"Then let's get something to eat," he scanned the platform and spotted a small café on a balcony overlooking the vast expanse of the Citadel, "Come on."

Eira hurried to catch up to him, "Commander, there's no need, really. I'm fine."

"You're a biotic, you need your calories. Besides, you made me realize I'm starving."

Shepard sat at a table in a less crowded corner of the patio and opened the menu. He looked to Eira, who stood awkwardly nearby.

They'd spent the better part of the morning together at the shooting range but there was something undeniably intimate about this, eating together. There wouldn't be guns and shooting tips to talk about and while she supposed they could always talk about the mission, she wished there was more.

He looked up at her, confused about her hesitation.

"I thought you were hungry?"

"I am but –

"Sit," he said, pulling out a chair for her, "I'm sure this place will have something you'll like."

Realizing she wasn't going to get anywhere, she sat down and looked at the menu.

"Are you all right?" He asked, noticing how uncomfortable she was and the awkward way in which she held the datapad that displayed the menu.

"I've never done this," she said softly, "Never been to a restaurant, never had choice in my meals…like this," she looked up at him, "I'm not sure what to do."

He couldn't look away from her. The fact that she had never experienced something so mundane was sad, as was the overwhelmed look in her eyes.

"Pick whatever you'd like to try, whatever sounds good," he pointed to a section of the menu that was human-friendly, "Everything here is safe."

The waitress came to their table and they placed their orders.

Eira noticed the waitress take a long, appraising glance at Shepard as she turned to leave, her gaze fixing on his muscular arms. Much to her surprise, Shepard didn't seem to notice and was watching the skycars zoom by with a small, content smile on his lips.

"Is Earth like this?" She asked softly, hoping her nervousness wasn't evident in her voice.

"Not everywhere. The major cities are built up like the Citadel. They're crowded and loud. But there are places on Earth that are quiet and green…peaceful," he shook his head, "It's not something the Citadel has."

There was sadness in his voice she picked up on.

Tentatively, she spoke.

"Has it been a while?"

His gaze snapped back to her.

"Hmm?"

"Since you've been to Earth?"

"Yes…it's been…nearly four years if you include the two years I was technically dead." He said after giving it some thought.

"And you miss it?"

Eira wasn't sure where her courage to ask such questions was coming from. She had no right to pry, that she knew, but she wanted to know more and she was determined not to be awkward and silent.

"I'm sorry," she said when he didn't respond; "It's not my business."

He waved off her concern, "Its fine, Eira. I was just thinking. And I do miss it. Earth is…well, there's nothing quite like it."

He smirked as he lapsed into silence.

"What is it?" She asked, puzzled by the look on his face.

"I was just thinking of the last time I was there, at the Alliance's headquarters in Vancouver. I'd just been assigned to the Normandy and the night before I was set to leave, I couldn't sleep. I got in my skycar and just drove; ended up in the city's outskirts. I stayed out there for hours."

"Why?"

He gave a sad, short chuckle.

"At night you can't see the stars in Vancouver, the light from the city pollutes the sky. I sat there for hours just looking at the stars." His gaze returned to the passing skycars and he sighed heavily, "Forgot about that…"

She smiled, "Well I'd like to see it for myself someday. Corrine always made Earth sound so horrible when she spoke of it."

Shepard's expression brightened some and he chuckled.

"Earth's not perfect; it has its dangers and flaws. But it's beautiful and it's our home world. You should see it, Eira; decide for yourself if Knowles was right."

She smiled and there was a brief moment of strangely comfortable silence before she spoke again.

"Were you born there?" She asked, eyeing him nervously as she spoke her bold question.

It was personal and she wasn't sure he'd want to tread into that territory. And though she knew the answer from the snooping she had done when she'd first joined the Normandy, she'd hope to know more about him. At the very least she just wanted to hear his voice.

"No," he smiled, "My parents were stationed off-planet at the time. So I was born on a space station actually, Arcturus. I didn't see Earth until I joined the Alliance and started basic training. Even then I didn't see much of it; the Alliance has always kept me busy."

"And you were happy?" She continued, "With the Alliance?"

Shepard shot her a curious glance. His brow was arched and a smug sort of smirk was tugging at the corner of his lips.

Eira felt her stomach flutter.

"You're awfully inquisitive today, Eira."

Realizing just how many questions she'd rattled off, she snapped her mouth closed and swallowed hard. She felt her cheeks flush red in embarrassment and she quickly looked away from him, her gaze settling on her hands.

With a sigh, Shepard reached across the table and patted her hands quickly, careful not to linger.

"It's all right, just teasing, kid," He leaned back in his seat, "And to answer your question, yes. When I started basic training, I discovered there were things I was actually good at. That's not to say it wasn't hard. The training was grueling. But it came naturally to me, strangely enough, and the regulations, the structure…was very comforting."

As he drifted off, his smiled dimmed and his gaze became unfocused as if his mind was a million miles away; trapped in a memory. A memory that, judging by the way his jaw clenched and his usually piercing pale blue eyes darkened, wasn't pleasant in the least.

But just as her lips parted and she made to apologise, his expression changed as though a switch had been flipped or a carefully maintained mask had been worked back into position. Shepard let out the breath he'd been holding and looked at her with softer eyes.

"Mind if I ask a question since I've answered so many of yours'?"

She nodded, though nerves bubbled in the pit of her stomach.

"Ask away."

His expression turned serious and she immediately feared he was angry with her, but the whisper-soft tone of his voice stomped that fear.

"Why all the questions, Eira? About me, I mean."

Her breath caught in her throat and her heart pounded so fiercely she could feel its frantic beat in her head.

He was confused, not angry, yet somehow that mortified her even more.

"I…umm…"

She was spared from answering when the waitress returned with their meals. She rattled off a pathetic excuse, a rushed 'oh no reason', and dug into her food before he had the chance to press her for more.

She felt his gaze linger on her, caught a glimpse of the confused look on his face, and prayed that'd he'd let the matter drop.

Mercifully, he did.

~~~~~

Upon returning to the Normandy, Shepard was called to the comm room and gave Eira a curt nod before hurrying off to take the call. His pace was brisk and he didn't so much as spare her a backwards glance.

She couldn't keep the pout from her lips.

The moment he disappeared from sight, she slouched against the wall and sighed heavily.

She couldn't have come off more pathetic if she'd tried. There was certainly no way he was going to take her along on another mission now. And it had started off so good! That's what frustrated her the most. She'd been pleased with what she'd accomplished on the range and, much to her relief, he had been too. Then she'd gone and opened her mouth.

She made her way slowly back to the port observation deck. The mess hall was oddly quiet, with only a few stragglers sitting at the tables, for which she was grateful for. She wasn't in the mood to chat with Gabby or Garrus. All she wanted to do was retreat to her room and wallow.

The moment her door hissed open she knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Who are you?" She asked with far more venom than she intended, "I mean…"

The hooded woman merely smiled, "Apologies, I am Kasumi Goto. You were with Shep when I was recruited on the Citadel, yes?"

"I...yes, I was."

"I had hoped to introduce myself, hence my lurking about your room. You needn't worry, I managed to restrain myself from snooping while I waited and you'll find all of your belongings in their rightful place."

"It's not like I have anything worth stealing, but thanks…for showing restraint."

Kasumi chuckled, "My pleasure. Honestly, I've not even been here a day and already I've heard tell of your talents. The crew is fascinated by you and I was curious to meet you face-to-face."

"Well, I suppose I am a bit of a curiosity…"

Kasumi frowned, "You're no circus freak, despite what you may feel. I've been all over the galaxy, Eira, and you are hardly the most bizarre person to have crossed my path."

"I…thank you, Miss Goto."

"Kasumi."

Eira smiled.

"So," Kasumi drawled, "What is there between you and Shep?"

Eira paled; her eyes wide and her mouth gaping as she stammered, tripping over her words in an attempt to say something, _anything_ , to silence the thief.

"I…I…what?"

Kasumi's grin only grew as Eira's discomfort did. She reached forward and playfully swatted Eira on the arm.

"You're fun to rile up."

Eira pouted. Her day had been one long embarrassment and clearly she couldn't even find solace in her own room.

"There's nothing –

"I'm a very good thief, Eira. Do you know why?"

She shrugged, having no idea what made a good thief beyond pure luck.

Kasumi leaned against the lounge, smirking as she spoke, "I am an expert at reading people. A man can tell all the lies he wants, but if his actions betray his words then he's wasting his breath."

"I'm not lying though," Eira muttered, "There really is nothing."

"Truly?" Kasumi looked skeptical, "How were you recruited?"

Eira told her. Her willingness to do so surprised even herself. This woman was a stranger and a notorious thief, how trustworthy could she be? But by the time she was finished, both women were lounging on the couch, laughing as if they'd known each other for years. Kasumi was easy to talk to and had a confidence about her that Eira couldn't help but admire. She found herself no longer dwelling on the slipups she felt she had made with the Commander and her desire to retreat and wallow was officially gone.

"It's all very romantic," she said with a drawn out sigh, "Nearly abducted by mercenaries only to be saved by a man revered across the galaxy…"

"I suppose so, yes," Eira conceded, "Didn't feel so romantic at the time though. I sort of dislocated his shoulder…"

Kasumi doubled over in a fit of laughter, unable to quiet herself despite Eira's pleas to stop laughing.

"It's not funny…"

Kasumi brushed the tears from her eyes, "Hate to break it to you, Eira, but it is."

"What is?"

Both women turned to see Shepard standing in the doorway. Eira immediately feared just how much he had heard.

"Thought you were a thief, Goto," Shepard teased, his arms folded across his chest and his brow arched, "Should have been harder to sneak up on you."

"Watch your tongue, Shep. Your talking to the galaxy's best thief," Kasumi cautioned, the hint of offense in her voice real, "I was just getting to know our biotic friend here," she nodded to Eira, a fond smirk on her lips.

Shepard's gaze snapped to Eira briefly.

"I'm glad to see you're settling in nicely, making friends."

"You've got a good crew coming together. They're suspicious of me, but they're surprisingly professional. Cerberus doesn't half-ass anything it would seem."

Eira noticed Shepard tense, clearly uneasy at the mention of Cerberus. She couldn't help but wonder why. From what she had gathered so far, Cerberus was very controversial in the world beyond Nafna.

"So it would seem," Shepard cleared his throat, "A mission has presented itself, I was hoping you'd accompany me, Kasumi."

Eira wasn't surprised that he hadn't asked her but it still stung. He still had his doubts and she respected that. But she felt strangely shunned. He wasn't even looking at her and had barely acknowledged her presence. It hurt and she couldn't quite pinpoint why.

Kasumi nodded, "Of course. I'll grab my gear and meet you at the shuttle?"

"Head straight there, we'll be in the Iera system shortly."

"Our target?" Kasumi asked as she stood.

"Horizon."

"Hmm, I've never been. Should be fun," she smiled at Eira, "I'll see you later, Eira. I expect to hear the end of your story! Don't think this is an excuse to hold out on me!"

Eira smiled weakly, "Wouldn't dream of it."

Kasumi left the observation deck, slipping past Shepard with a spring in her step.

Shepard lingered in the doorway, arms still folded across his chest and his gaze fixed anywhere but at her.

"You and Kasumi are getting along?" He said finally, his voice stiff and disconnected.

"Yes, she sort of cornered me in my room but I like her, she's easy to talk to."

Shepard nodded.

"You understand why I'm not taking you?"

"I do," she answered truthfully, though her voice cracked some.

"I'll bring you along again, I promise, I just want to give you time to feel comfortable with a gun in your hand."

She forced a smile, "Of course, Commander. Can…can I ask what the mission is?"

"The colony has gone silent, which means the Collectors are either en route or have already landed on the planet's surface. We haven't had a chance like this before. The Illusive Man wants intel, something that puts us ahead of them for a change."

"Sounds dangerous…"

"Always is," he said dismissively, "I need to ready my gear and debrief my team..."

"Oh, of course…good luck."

He turned and left the observation deck with nothing more than a brief, awkward glance up at her. As fleeting and strange as it was, Eira supposed it was something.

~~~~~

EDI's voice echoed throughout the ship, signalling the crew that they were nearing Horizon. Eira took the elevator down to loading bay, where the shuttle was docked, hoping to watch its launch.

She bumped into Garrus, quite literally, as she stepped off the elevator.

"Woah, where are you off to in such a hurry, kid?" He asked, gripping her shoulders to steady her.

"I was hoping to see the shuttle launch. The Commander's taking you along?"

Garrus nodded, "I'm grateful for it too. He's been out of sorts since speaking to the Illusive Man about this mission."

"Why?"

Garrus hesitated, glancing over his shoulder to make sure they were alone before continuing.

"The Illusive Man informed him that a member of our old crew is stationed on Horizon," he said in a whisper, "Ashley Williams."

_Oh_ , she thought, _that certainly explained a lot._

"Is he all right?" She asked, knowing the moment the words left her mouth just how foolish the question was.

"No, not really."

Eira looked beyond Garrus to the shuttle, where Kasumi and crew members were helping Shepard load their supplies.

He wore his hard-suit and was loaded down with various pistols and shotguns. He was working quickly, obviously eager to get their mission started. His features were cold and he looked completely lost in the task at hand.

She began nibbling the inside of her cheek.

"Don't worry, kid," Garrus assured her, "I'll have his back. We'll all be back before you know it."

With a small smile she wished him luck and watched as he made to join Kasumi and Shepard at the shuttle. The Commander allowed them to board first and crew members fell back, clearing the way for the shuttle to power up.

She vaguely registered EDI's voice over the intercom. She was too lost in the 'what ifs' that raced through her mind to pay her words any mind. Coupled with that was a bizarre feeling that struck her square in her stomach. It took her a moment to place it, but she eventually recognized it as something akin to jealousy. It was ridiculous of course. As she had told Kasumi, there was nothing between her and Shepard. He had Williams and she had…

Eira bit her lip to stifle its quivering.

_How pathetic am I?_

She wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling very exposed, and turned her focus back to the shuttle only to find Shepard's gaze fixed upon her.

It startled her, but she waved and even managed a small smile. Despite the distance between them, the intensity of his gaze was not lost. She had no idea how he did it or if he even knew he did, but he could disarm her with a single look.

The shuttled powered up, its engines flaring to life, and she heard the pilot urge Shepard to board.

He did, but not before waving back to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The shit is going to hit the proverbial fan in the next chapter! I'm VERY pumped to write it!


	16. Amidst the Tempest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashley and Shepard reunite on Horizon and not all goes as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay, dear readers! 2015 was a very hard year for me and as a result my stories were sort of put on the back burner. That being said I’m hopeful for 2016 and think I'm in a much better place to return to writing :) Thank you for your continued patience and interest in this story!

His ears were ringing and his legs ached so badly he thought he might collapse. He was certain at least one of his ribs was broken and, thanks to a husk’s lucky hit, his lip was split and bleeding badly. 

Adrenaline had kept him upright and dulled the pain, but as the Collector ship made a hasty retreat that began to fade.

“You all right, Shepard?” Garrus asked; his hand on Shepard’s shoulder.

Surrounded by the corpses of a dozen unlucky colonists and aching from head to toe, Shepard didn’t know what to say. They’d accomplished their mission objective, at least partially, but he couldn’t ignore the foul shroud the entire thing draped over him. 

A victory shouldn’t have a body count so high.

He gave Garrus a curt nod and wiped the blood from his chin as he set about scouring the field, approaching an empty pod he knew was meant to hold a colonist. Bile rose in his throat as he looked inside of it, imagined what it would be like to be trapped inside; alive and awake but unable to move or cry out. 

Was Ashley in one of these pods? 

That thought made his chest tighten and it was suddenly very hard to breathe. He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to pull away from that fear. He focused instead on the memory of her lips on his and her arms around him, on the night before Ilos when she had come to his cabin and everything seemed right despite the horrors they were set to face. 

To come so close to seeing her again, only to have her pulled away…no, it couldn’t end that way. 

“I’m sure she’s fine, Shepard,” Garrus said quietly, “Knowing Ashley she’s standing victorious on a pile of husk corpses.”

“Who’s Ashley?” Kasumi piped in; having left the console she’d been working on and approached them to see what had the commander acting so strangely.

“A…friend,” Garrus answered lamely.

Shepard stiffened, seemingly pulled suddenly from his own thoughts back to reality, and turned his focus back to scouring the field.

“Did I touch a nerve?” Kasumi asked Garrus.

Garrus shrugged, “It’s complicated.”

~~~~~

With the chaos of the fight dying down, Eira was eager for the ground crew to return to the ship. Joker and EDI assured her they were fine, with EDI drawing her attention on numerous occasions to their suit readings, but she still worried. 

“Stop pacing, kid, you’re going to wear a damn hole in the floor!” Joker quipped from his chair, glancing over his shoulder to shoot her a smirk.

She’d been on the bridge since the fighting had died down and hadn’t stopped fidgeting once. She knew it was foolish to worry, they knew what they were doing, but the unease remained. 

“That is statistically impossible, Jeff,” EDI responded in her usual even tone, “The force required to cause such damage is – 

“I know, I know!” He snapped, rolling his eyes.

“Then why did you –

“Just forget I said anything, okay?” He sighed and looked to Eira, “See what I have to deal with up here?”

Eira couldn’t help but smile, “She did help a lot just now, against that ship.”

“Yeah, I guess it did. Still, don’t blame me for continuing the hunt for its mute button.”

“Cerberus protocol dictates – 

“Forget I said anything!” He grumbled, and then turned to Eira, “Why are you so worried anyway? Garrus took a rocket to the face and walked away, Kasumi could kick Collector ass with her eyes closed and Shepard…well, Shepard’s faced worse.”

~~~~~

He was seeing things, he had to be. He must have hit his head harder than he thought when the resulting shock wave from Harbinger commandeering the body of that Collector drone sent him flying. That or there was something in Horizon’s atmosphere that was messing with his head, making him hallucinate. 

“Commander Shepard; captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel,” Ashley said as she strode towards him, her gaze not wavering from Shepard, “You’re in the presence of a god, Delan, back from the dead.”

The mechanic spat a curse and left them, but Shepard didn’t spare him a single glance. He’d already forgotten that Garrus and Kasumi were behind him. All he could see was her.

She hadn’t changed; she was still as fierce and beautiful as he remembered. Her long dark hair was neatly pinned back in a bun with not a strand out of place and she stood tall and proud in her Alliance issued hardsuit. 

He couldn’t halt the smile forming on his lips. Seeing her brought back a torrent of memories and for the first time since waking up he didn’t feel like a stranger in his own life. 

Ashley was real, a piece of his old life capable of making this one make sense. 

He had so much he wanted to say, so much he knew he needed to explain.

“Ash…”

“Shepard. I thought you were dead…I-I can’t believe it,” she took a shaky breath.

“H-How have you been?”

He realized how stupid the question was the moment it left his lips.

Ashley scowled, her brow furrowing in the way it did when she was really pissed off, “That’s it? You show up after two years and act like nothing’s happened? We had something, Shepard, something real,” her voice cracked with emotion, “I-I loved you, and you put me through that? Why didn’t you try to contact me?”

His heart sank as his elation evaporated and fear took its place.

“I-I did! The moment I was able to I sent you a message, I swear it! Ash, I-I was in a coma for two years while Cerberus rebuilt me…”

She took a step backwards and looked at him as though he was a stranger, “You’re with Cerberus now…I-I can’t believe the reports were right…”

“Reports?” Kasumi muttered, elbowing Garrus, “bet that’s going to make a buxom Cerberus agent we both know very happy.”

“Alliance intel thought Cerberus could be behind the missing colonies, we got a tip that Horizon could be next. I heard…rumors, that you might still be alive. I went to Anderson but he wouldn’t give me anything. Still…I hoped. But now…now you’re working with the enemy!”

“The Alliance sent you here to investigate Shep, didn’t they?” Kasumi said with a scowl.

“I was sent to investigate missing colonists,” Ash snapped back, shooting Kasumi a venomous glare before turning her focus back to Shepard, “Not you. Shepard…I can’t tell you how much I wanted you to be alive. I just never thought it would be like this…how could you just turn your back on everything you stood for? You betrayed the Alliance!”

Panic rippled through him, shaking him from his shock induced silence.

“Ash –

“You betrayed your crew!”

“Never –

“You betrayed me!”

He vaguely registered that his hands were trembling, but he lacked the care or ability to stop them. 

He didn’t know what to say. 

The brief glimmer of happiness he’d glimpsed had been pulled away from him. Inside he felt himself crumbling, and yet he couldn’t find the words to counter her accusation. She spoke of doubts he’d had before but hadn’t dared give voice to. Hearing her speak them was like having salt poured in open wounds. 

He could only look at her in disbelief.

“Damnit, you’re letting the past blind you, Ashley,” Garrus interjected, “The Collectors are working with the Reapers and Cerberus is the only one getting off their ass to do something about it!”

Ashley looked past Shepard to Garrus, shaking her head as she spoke, “Maybe. But I don’t trust Cerberus, Garrus, and it scares the hell out of me that you and Shepard do,” she looked at Shepard, her eyes gleaming with what he swore were unshed tears, “What did they do to you?”

“I…I don’t know…” he admitted in a whisper, “Ashley, please…”

She shook her head, her beliefs unwavering, “It doesn’t matter; I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance solider, it’s in my blood.”

She turned to leave and a new panic rippled through him, the likes of which he’d not felt since he awoke in the middle of a fire-fight on a Cerberus space station. 

“I’ll submit my report to the Citadel, they can decide for themselves if you’re telling the truth,” she hesitated but didn’t turn to look back at him, “Just…try to be safe, Commander.”

~~~~~

She waited near the elevator in the loading bay, hoping to watch the shuttle return from its mission and Shepard emerge from it safely. 

The entire mission had been nerve-wracking, and she hadn’t even been a part of the ground team. She couldn’t imagine how they felt. 

Eira was strangely nervous and as the hatch opened and the shuttle docked, she had to take steadying breaths to calm the shiver that seemed to be travelling up and down her spine.

She watched as Kasumi stepped off the shuttle, followed by Garrus. Neither seemed to be injured and she breathed a sigh of relief. They began stripping off their weapons and handed them to a crew member who had rushed to their side. 

Eira looked to the shuttle and after what felt like forever, Shepard stepped out. She smiled, but that faded when she really looked at him. He moved slowly and she immediately worried he was hurt, but noted no major signs of damage to his hardsuit. He removed his helmet and suddenly hurled it across the room with a shout that echoed throughout the loading bay. Everyone went silent and stared at him.

A crew member approached him to take his gear, but Shepard brushed past him and headed for the stairs.

She backed away from the rail and turned to the stairwell in time to see Shepard storm up the last few steps and make for the elevator.

He didn’t see her, his gaze was fixed downward, and collided with her. 

She yelped and would have stumbled backward had it not been for the iron-tight grip he had on her arms. She looked up at him, an apology on her lips, only to be taken by surprise by the sight of blood smeared across his neck and mouth and unshed tears welling up in his pretty blue eyes.

She blinked, thinking the sight would disappear when whatever fog that clouded her eyes passed, but the sight remained.

“I…Shepard…”

He seemed to notice he was holding her and quickly let go, pushing her back some and frantically rubbing the blood from his face. 

“Are you…”

He muttered something she couldn’t make out and slipped around her, headed for the elevator. 

“Shepard, please, what happened?”

He said nothing but she noticed his jaw clench and saw something flash in his eyes. He frantically punched his commands into the elevator’s interface and the door hissed closed.

~~~~~

Once in the relative safety of his cabin, Shepard let out a scream that had been building up inside of him since Ashley turned her back to him. 

Tears were streaming down his face, which only fueled his anger. He quickly ripped off his armor, flinging each piece across the room with no care as to where they landed. He screamed obscenities, blocking out EDI’s attempts to get a coherent answer from him.

Naked and covered in blood and grime, he destroyed everything he got his hands on. By the time exhaustion pulled him to a sudden stop, he’d shattered everything in the cabin not bolted to the floor and torn the sheets of his bed. Shards of numerous broken whiskey bottles littered the floor; along with the wreckage of the models he’d sent flying at the fish tank. 

He took a shaky breath and fell backwards onto his bed. As silence settled into the room, Ashley’s words replayed in his mind with cruel accuracy, each word chiselling away at what little composure he had a hold of. 

Every word she’d spoken had been the truth; that was what hurt the most.

He was betraying everything he’d once believed in, he was betraying her. And the way she’d looked at him…

He wasn’t the man she’d loved. That man died with the original Normandy. 

_You betrayed me…_

He wasn’t real, not anymore. He had only to look at the faint orange glow of the cybernetic scars that covered his body to find proof. 

Bile rose in his throat and he quickly rolled over, emptying his stomach. 

When the heaving mercifully stopped, he forced himself up and scoured the cabin for a drink. He found a lone bottle of whiskey tucked between the side of his bed and the nightstand and smirked before taking a long, victorious swig.  
It burned his busted lip but somehow that made its taste all the sweeter. 

He waded his way through the mess that was his room; bottle clutched tightly, and stumbled into the washroom. He managed to turn on the water and slid to the ground, bringing the bottle to his lips as ice-cold water assaulted his skin. 

At that moment he didn’t care about the Collectors or the Reapers. Cerberus and the Alliance were far from his thoughts. There was only the whiskey, the painful echo of Ashely's words, and the intense desire never to leave his cabin again.

~~~~~

Twenty-four hours later and Shepard hadn’t responded to anyone’s attempts to talk let alone left his cabin. If not for EDI confirming that he was very much alive, Eira had no doubt his door would have been pried open hours ago.

It was late when Eira found herself in the mess hall, foraging through the kitchen in an attempt to find something palatable to bring Shepard. She had no illusion he would open his door to her, but she hoped leaving it outside would be a kind enough gesture.

She was so lost in thought she didn’t hear Garrus approaching until he was right behind her.

“Late night snack?” 

Eira jumped and smacked Garrus when he started to laugh.

“I’ll have you know it’s not for me!” She said with a smile.

“Shepard, then?”

She nodded.

“He won’t come out,” Garrus cautioned, “he’s not ready to, kid, not after Horizon.”

“I know. I was going to leave it outside his door,” she paused, “what did happen on Horizon?”

There had been whispers, but she’d yet to hear exactly what happened to send Shepard into such a depression. Garrus was there, and while she knew he’d respect Shepard’s privacy as much as possible, she was eager for some degree of insight.

“Well,” Garrus sighed, “Ashley didn’t take too kindly to seeing him. Some…unkind things were said in the heat of the moment.”

“I…see,” she looked up at him, “do you think he’ll come out soon?”

“Not sure, kid. I’ve honestly never seen him as shaken as he was after that. He’s always kept a tight rein on his emotions. He doesn’t…lose it like that. Not that I blame him, Ashley was cruel. I get that they were both hurt but…well, he didn’t deserve that.”

Eira looked down at the plate of food she was preparing. It seemed like a worthless gesture now and she started for garbage only to be stopped by Garrus.

“What are you doing?” He asked, grabbing her arm.

She shrugged, “She really hurt him. He wants to be alone and this…is a really silly gesture. A sandwich isn’t going to make it better.”

Garrus was quiet for a moment but eventually shook his head.

“No, no, you go ahead and bring it up to him. It may not help, but it shouldn’t go to waste,” he groaned, “And if I know Shepard the only thing he’s had this last day was whiskey.”

~~~~~

The elevator ride to the commander’s cabin was a long one, giving her plenty of time to rethink what she was about to do. 

Her meager offering of pulpy orange juice, a ham sandwich on stale bread, slices of cheese, and potato soup was unlikely to be well-received. He wanted solitude and, if Garrus was right, whiskey. 

When the elevator finally stopped and the door opened up onto the cabin level, her gaze fell upon the commander’s locked door. She swallowed hard and approached. The door’s seal was red, indicating it was indeed locked, and she was unsure whether or not she should knock or simply leave the meal and rely on EDI to pass her message along.

She nibbled frantically on her lip as she contemplated her options.

“Can I be of assistance, Eira?” EDI asked quietly.

“Yes, I…I wanted to let the Commander know I have food for him.”

There was a moment of silence, followed by a rustle of movement from inside the cabin that made her jump, followed by EDI’s calm voice.

“The Commander isn’t responding to my inquiries. I believe it is not a good time for him…”

More commotion from inside the cabin resounded and she flinched as she heard something break inside.

“Is he all right? Should…should we get Chakwas?”

“That is not a course of action I can advise,” EDI answered, “Upon my initial suggestion of contacting Doctor Chakwas, the Commander became very belligerent and informed me that my doing so would result in him assisting Jeff in disabling my central processor. It was a threat I opted to take seriously.”

Eira persisted, “But is he all right?”

“I have been monitoring his vitals and sending Doctor Chakwas updates. Please refrain from ever telling him that.”

“Of course,” she sighed and carefully sat the tray down outside the cabin door, “I guess I’ll just leave it here for him.”

“That would be safest…for all parties involved.”

Eira turned to leave, but paused and approached the locked door once again. She made to knock on the door, but instead merely placed her hand on it. She knew she had no right to interfere and yet the thought of merely leaving, of not trying to help, didn’t sit right with her. She suspected nothing she did would ‘fix’ this. It didn’t seem like something one _could_ fix. Still, she felt lost. Nothing like this ever happened on Nafna; it was new territory. 

The right thing to do didn’t seem obvious.

Deciding to take a leap of faith, she took a deep breath and spoke.

“Commander,” she began, her voice hushed, “I made you something to eat. It’s not much, but I hope you like it. I’ll…just leave it out here for you.”

Silence answered her.

“Garrus is worried about you, so are Kasumi and Chakwas and Joker. I’m worried too.”

Nothing.

“I’m sorry; sorry you got hurt. I hope you feel better soon,” she gave a little shrug; “I hope you don’t lock yourself away much longer, we all miss you, but…but take the time you need. And if you need anything, please ask. Anyway…I hope you like the food.”

With that she left, offering EDI thanks as she stepped onto the elevator and the door slid closed.

~~~~~

Inside the cabin, Shepard sat with his back to the door. He was slumped forward, his head cradled in his hands. 

He’d heard everything Eira had said; EDI had opened the intercom between the two rooms to ensure that he didn’t miss a word. 

Her voice had drowned out the pounding ache in his head brought on by the whiskey and, while he welcomed that relief, it brought on new questions he wasn’t sure he was ready for. 

He remembered the shy smirk she’d shot him as he’d boarded the shuttle before Horizon, and the little wave she’d given him as their eyes locked. 

Shepard gave a heavy sigh and cursed under his breath as fresh tears welled in his eyes.

For the past twenty-four hours, Ashley’s angry accusations had dominated his thoughts. Overwhelmed with guilt and regret, he dared not dwell on the good times they’d had, like that night before Ilos, as it only amplified those feelings. They came to him unbidden though and try as he might the drink hadn’t drowned them. 

But thinking of Eira’s wave, such a simple but sweet gesture, and after hearing what she’d said, he felt the echo of Ashley’s screams weaken and he was able to think somewhat clearly.

It still hurt with a ferocity that shook him to his core. The woman he loved was disgusted with him and he couldn’t help but hate himself. He still felt like a fraud, a man built of wires and cybernetics as opposed to flesh and bone. His old life was still gone and in it all the peace he felt he once had. 

Those feelings wouldn’t fade any time soon.

But he realized he was hungry and after listening closely to ensure no one was outside his room, he unlocked the door and reached around the door frame to drag the tray into his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Mass Effect, save the OCs you will encounter in this particular story. It will not merely be a re-telling of the ME story as we know it, so expect changes and (hopefully) surprising and enjoyable twists! This story is rated M for a reason and will contain future scenes of violence, gore, sex, and various other mature situations. There will also be copious amounts of wonderful, wonderful angst. Please consider yourself warned.


	17. Complications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the patience, readers! Hope you enjoy the latest chapter!!!!

It was late and the crew was either sleeping or manning terminals on the bridge. The mess hall was empty and quiet save for Eira, who was finishing up her latest meal for Shepard.

In the three days since Horizon, she had left many meals for him. Each time she took the elevator to his quarters, there would be an empty tray outside his door and she would switch them, knock on his door, and leave. She never saw him and she was truly beginning to wonder when he planned on leaving his cabin again.

In his absence, Miranda had taken charge of the crew and while Garrus was supposed to be aiding her, the majority of the commands were given by her. They'd spent the last few days on various small assignments, mostly drop offs and intel gathering missions of which she was made no part of.

Not that she minded.

Garrus and Chakwas found ways for her to help that kept her on the Normandy and whenever she stole a moment to eat, she would make something to bring Shepard.

She loaded up the tray and made for the elevator. She had managed to scrounge up enough supplies to make him pasta and while it wasn't anything fancy, he had yet to return anything she had made.

The elevator door hissed open and she smiled sadly upon seeing yet another bare tray waiting for her. She set about her little ritual, humming as she went. She gathered up the dirty plates and placed the tray she had brought in its place.

She didn't hear the hiss of the cabin door opening.

"Eira?"

She yelped and jumped back, dropping the tray and sending its contents flying. The plates shattered on the floor.

She looked up and was completely taken aback by the sight before her.

It was Shepard.

Only it wasn't. The man before her looked broken.

He looked like a man long deprived of peace and sleep. His usual stubble had grown out, giving way to a short and scruffy beard. There were dark circles under his eyes and the loose shirt and track pants he wore were filthy. His eyes were dull, disconnected; and she felt as though he was looking right through her when his gaze fell upon her.

He knelt down and began picking up the pieces of broken ceramic.

"Sorry," he mumbled, "didn't mean to startle you."

"I…it's all right," she said, stammering, "I should have been paying attention."

She knelt down and started helping him.

They tidied up together, neither saying a word, until he broke the silence.

"You've been bringing me food."

Eira nodded, "I wasn't sure what you liked…"

"It was all very good," he muttered, still averting his gaze from her, "Thank you."

His words caught her by surprise and she fumbled trying to find her voice, "Y-You're welcome, Shepard."

He nodded toward the tray of food she'd brought, "I was coming out to see if you'd been by…"

She smiled, "Its pasta today."

He stood, the pieces of broken ceramic in his hands, and nodded towards his cabin.

"Could you bring it inside?"

Eira couldn't hide her surprise at his request. She felt as though there was something sacred about this space he'd spent the last three days mourning in. Stepping into it didn't seem right, even with invitation.

His tired gaze finally met hers and she swallowed hard, nodding before she could second guess herself any further.

She fetched the tray and followed him inside the cabin.

The first thing that caught her eye was the debris scattered across the floor. Clothes, broken glass, and books obscured the floor itself. His desk had been overturned and the terminal was smashed upon the floor. Descending the stairs into his sleeping quarters, she saw that the mess continued. Empty bottles of whiskey were spread across his bed and the shattered remains of what she could only guess had been lamps lay in a heap nearby.

She brushed aside some glass shards and sat the tray down on the small table beside his bed. Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of him tossing the ceramic pieces onto a pile of debris near the fish tank.

"Well, here you go –

"What have I missed?"

She looked at him and saw that he hadn't moved.

"EDI said she sent the reports to you."

Shepard's brow furrowed and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm not asking her," he said quietly, his voice laced with frustration, "I'm asking you."

"Miranda's kept everyone busy. We've been doing supply drops and intel runs –

He looked up, "She sent you?"

"Well, no. Garrus and Chakwas have found ways for me to help that have kept me on the Normandy."

Shepard nodded and lapsed into silence.

"Are…are you back then?" Eira asked as gently as she could.

"Hmm," Shepard sighed, "Have to be."

"I…heard what happened on Horizon."

She saw his body tense up and, when he said nothing, she continued carefully; well aware that she was treading on dangerous territory.

"I'm…I'm just sorry that happened to you."

Shepard clenched his jaw and after a tense moment of silence, he spoke.

"Life's going to fuck you over, Eira. You've not been off that station long, but you've already gotten a taste of it."

Eira made to speak but Shepard pressed on.

"People you love will die and those that don't will toss you aside like garbage the moment it pleases them!"

He punched the wall of the fish tank and Eira jumped.

She knew it would be best if she left. Already she'd said the wrong thing and made it worse. She bit her lip and started for the door, certain that leaving couldn't make things worse. Maybe they could both forget the whole thing even happened.

"I'm sorry, Eira."

She stopped in her tracks and turned to see Shepard leaning against the fish tank looking completely and utterly defeated. It wasn't a look she was accustomed to seeing on him and even now it felt like it just didn't belong. He was a hero to so many and hadn't so much as wavered since she'd met him. But then she had caught a glimpse, only just recently, when he'd bumped into her after returning from Horizon.

She had yet to get the image of him with tear-glazed eyes out of her mind.

"You didn't deserve that," he muttered, his voice pulling her from her thoughts.

She shrugged, feigning indifference, "It wasn't my place."

He shook his head and slowly sank down, sitting on the floor with his back to the tank, "No. You've been kind," he took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

She couldn't help but smile softly.

"Don't be."

He snorted and shook his head slowly in disbelief, "You forgive too easily."

"It's not my place; you've no reason to apologize for reminding me of that and I've no right to hold a grudge against you for that."

There was a strangely comfortable silence, in which Shepard's gaze never left hers.

Eira took a deep, steadying breath; steeling her resolve.

"You were right; I've not been off Nafna long. I don't know anything about loving someone," she averted her eyes from him, "I don't know anything about what you're going through."

"Eira –

"But I do know your friends had two years to mourn your loss. Ashley had two years," she continued, her heart pounding fiercely in her chest, "You've not stopped working since you woke up. You haven't had time to mourn what those two missed years cost you."

Shepard hung his head and Eira couldn't see his face. She did see his shaking hands however.

"I guess I'm just saying that it's all right; needing these past few days."

He said nothing.

"I'll…I'll just let myself out," she said, gesturing to the door, "I'm really, really sorry –

"Eira," Shepard stood but didn't look at her, "Tell Miranda I'll be down in an hour."

She smiled.

"I want her and Garrus in the comm room and ready to brief me. Understood?"

She nodded quickly, "Of course, commander."

"And Eira?"

"Yes?"

Shepard shifted uncomfortably on his feet, "I assume it goes without saying that you keep what we've discussed here to yourself?"

He looked up at her then and she hoped he could see the sincerity in her eyes when she answered.

"You have my word."

~~~~~

"So, I hear you're the one we have to thank for getting Shepard out of his cabin?" Garrus asked, elbowing Eira.

He'd only left the comm room briefing moments ago and was working in the battery when Eira appeared, eager to hear how had things went.

Eira blushed, "He said that?"

Garrus shook his head, "No, you have EDI to thank for that. She told me whenever you brought him something to eat, kept me informed as much as she could without violating his privacy. Thank you for that, sticking it out like you did."

"It was nothing," she fidgeted, "How…how was the briefing?"

"You mean how was Shepard?" Garrus said in a teasing voice, "He was his old self – stoic, to-the-point, and unwavering. He's set on growing our team, wants to go after the drell and asari on Illium next."

"When do you leave?"

Garrus shook his head, "I'm not. It seems he wants Grunt and a certain biotic to join him, said as much in the comm room."

"Jack?"

"You, kid." Garrus said with a chuckle, poking her in the arm, "Seems you must have impressed him during your time together on the range."

"I did?" Eira asked, her voice pinching into a high pitch as nerves wracked her.

The thought of going on a mission with Shepard both thrilled and terrified her. The last thing she wanted was a repeat of Korlus and yet she couldn't recall one thing she had learned on the range with Shepard.

Garrus laughed and put his hand on her shoulder, "Don't sound so shocked, kid. This is your chance to show him what you can do. Just keep a level head, listen to his orders, and be aware of your surroundings."

"You make it sound so easy…"

"It's not, but you're smart, kid. And even better than that, you're a good person. One who wants to do right by Shepard. That's not a bad place to start."

~~~~~

The days following Shepard's return to duty were hectic. It seemed to Eira that he had fallen back into his usual rhythm and the entire crew seemed revitalized upon seeing him on the deck once again. He jumped from problem to problem, putting out fires as they arose, and she scarcely saw him sit down let alone eat in that time.

That of course meant he had no time for her, not that she expected otherwise. Only once in that time did he acknowledge her. They were passing in the hall and he'd looked up from his omni-tool long enough to offer her a short nod and what she had hoped was the barest hint of a smile. Afterwards she had convinced herself that her mind was playing tricks and yet the hope remained.

When the day came were Shepard announced that they would be procuring the services of the drell assassin next, Eira was beyond surprised when Shepard seemingly stuck by his initial choice to have her join him planet side.

"Are you sure about this, commander?" she asked as the Normandy's airlock hissed open and they stepped out onto the platform.

Grunt moved on ahead of them, clearly scoping out the area for threats. A group of asari nearby gawked at him but the krogan paid them no mind.

"Grunt?" Shepard shrugged, "We're going after an assassin, it's a mission bound to have complications; I'm guessing we're going to need some muscle."

"No, I mean me. Last time you took me along I ended up disappointing you," she frowned upon remembering the shuttle ride back from Korlus, "I don't want anyone to wind up hurt, or worse, because of me."

Shepard grabbed her arm, the surprise of the sudden contact enough to make Eira jump. Ahead of them, Grunt had stopped and looked to Shepard for instruction. Shepard nodded to the krogan and he continued onward, lingering nearby should anything happen.

"Eira, I'll admit I was hesitant. I don't want you to get yourself killed. I don't…"

He realized he was still touching her arm and pulled back. Eira found herself immediately missing that small, innocent touch and tried hard not to let her disappointment show on her face.

"I saw what you were capable of on Nafna, Eira," he began again, his voice a whisper, "You don't need to prove you're strong, not to anyone. Just stick close, keep your shields up, and shoot at the bastards shooting at us."

~~~~~

Not twenty-four hours later and not only had the drell joined the crew but so had the asari. The Normandy was getting crowded, what with Thane taking life support and Samara the lounge, but no one seemed to mind. Things were coming together and everyone's spirits seemed lifted.

Eira had made it through reaching the drell with something akin to grace, managing to take down a number of enemies and not sustain any major damage in the process. And while he'd taken Miranda instead of her in the pursuit of Samara, insisting she needed rest, Eira was proud of herself.

She was exhausted, but when she finally lay down in her cot that night, sleep eluded her. After laying there for an hour hoping for exhaustion to win out, she felt the beginnings of a migraine approaching and sighed.

It was not the best end to the day.

Casting back her blankets, she tugged on a sweater that was far too big for her and padded out into the corridor as quietly as she could; intent on fetching some water from the kitchen without waking Kasumi.

Upon entering the mess hall though she was surprised to find that she wasn't alone.

Shepard stood in the small kitchen and was rifling through the contents of the refrigerator.

She heard him grumble a curse under his breath as he rifled through the fridge and gave a light laugh, only for him to jump and spin around in surprise.

It would have been amusing, catching him unaware, if the look on his face wasn't one of genuine fear. His eyes were wide and he had a firm grip on the counter.

Eira held up her hands, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you!"

She saw his chest rise and fall sharply as he took deep, steadying breaths.

"It's…it's all right," and then, "what are you doing up?"

Eira brushed her loose hair behind her ears, her fingers flying quickly to her temples as her head throbbed anew.

"A migraine. You?"

Shepard sighed, "Nightmares."

"What of?"

The question flowed off her tongue too quickly for her to bite it back.

She saw Shepard practically cringe and her heart sunk.

"I'm –

"It's all right; it's just not something I want to worry others about. I can deal with it myself," Shepard said as he stepped out from behind the counter and stood before her, "Why is it you're always apologizing to me?"

The heat of his gaze upon her made her feel as though she was going to melt. Suddenly the throbbing pain in her head was outmatched by the frantic beating of her heart. And yet, over the ruckus, she was vividly aware of how quiet it was and how very alone they were on the deck.

It was a valid question. She was always apologizing, always stumbling over her words. Around him all semblance of grace and composure left her before she was aware enough to grasp for its threads.

She hadn't lied to him before; she didn't know what loving someone felt like. But if what she was feeling was even a pale shadow of the real thing then she wasn't sure she wanted it. Nor did she want the hurt of knowing he still clearly yearned for another.

It felt like an illness with no end in sight, no possible cure.

"I feel like I should I guess," She said finally, looking anywhere but at him, "There's so many people asking so much of you and I…I pry and fumble and –

"If I felt like you were wasting my time I'd say something, Eira."

Eira bit her lip and slowly shook her head.

"I can't answer your question…"

"Why?" he sounded confused, "Is there something wrong?"

He took a step closer to her and, though she tried, she couldn't resist the urge to look up at him.

He still looked exhausted but there was a softness to his expression she hadn't seen since Horizon.

She swallowed hard, "I…just can't."

And before he could argue she fled back to the safety of her room, her desire for a glass of water long forgotten.

~~~~~

Shepard stood in the mess hall, which was silent except for the faint patter of Eira's hurried retreat.

There was a part of him that felt compelled to run after her and that both confused and terrified him.

He wasn't blind. He knew she was attracted to him, had felt the way her gaze lingered when she thought he wasn't looking. And he'd be lying if he said he wished her attentions would focus elsewhere.

He liked the blush on her cheeks, the way she bit the inside of her cheek when she was anxious, and the bounce in her step when she was happy. She was beautiful and kind and….

And…he liked the way he felt around her.

Shepard cursed under his breath and headed for the elevator, sneaking a glance down the corridor she'd hurried down.

The more he thought on it the more he wanted to write it off as nothing more than lust. Lust was simple. Once the need was satisfied he would be free to move on. Lust had no strings attached, no expectations. And best of all perhaps, there was no heartache on his part. He'd done it often enough as a youth on Omega.

What was stopping him now?

But the moment the question entered his head, he immediately knew the answer.

It was the same reason he ate the half-cooked, salty meals she had brought him; and why he'd checked outside his door for them more often than necessary.

It was why he defended her so vehemently when Jack laid into her.

And why he'd had to bite back a smirk when she asked him about himself when they'd had lunch together on the Citadel.

It was a little bit more complicated than lust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a filler but the next chapter is going to be a big one; both in length and importance! I'll give you a hint (cause you folks deserve it what with my tardiness regarding updates!) - Alchera!;)


	18. Alchera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard goes planet side alone and Eira takes a risk

“So then Shepard opens the relays around the Citadel,” Joker exclaims, a beaming smile on his lips, “And I lead the entire damn Fifth Fleet into the system in style, kicking Sovereign’s metallic behind to the other side of the galaxy!”

Eira, having clung to every word the pilot had said for the past hour, pressed him for more details.

She leaned forward in her seat, resting her elbows on her knees.

“What was the Commander doing then?”

Everything Joker had told her was too fantastic to possibly be true and yet it was. She felt like she was a girl again, listening to a bedtime story she didn’t want to end.

Joker smacked his knee, “Kickin’ ass on ground-side, I tell you! He led Garrus and Williams on an assault against Saren himself! Even took down a damn Geth dropship in the process too!” He whistled, “Hot damn that was intense.”

 

“How did they defeat Saren?”

Joker shrugged, “Couldn’t get anything out of the Commander after the battle, only details I got come from Garrus. According to him it took a shit ton of shotgun blasts. The kicker is that once Saren ‘died’ Sovereign took over his body and they had to fight him all over again.”

Eira’s brow furrowed as she considered Joker’s words.

“These Reapers…Sovereign…they can take over people?”

Joker shrugged, “Hell if I understand it, but yeah, they do. Sovereign took over Saren’s body when he died but it had control of his mind way before that. The real kicker was that by the time he realized he was being manipulated it was too late; there was no getting Sovereign out of his head.”

There was silence between them for the first time since she’d joined him on deck.

She had read the reports she’d been given of course and had thought she had a grip on just how massive a threat they were – until Joker started talking. Physical destruction was one thing but a monster adapt at slipping into someone’s mind? That was terrifying. 

“But…how is something like that supposed to be killed?” Eira asked; real fear in her voice. 

Joker saw the look in her eyes and his expression softened. Scaring her hadn’t been the idea when they’d started talking.

“Don’t go thinking so far ahead, Eira,” he smirked, “Shepard did it once, he can do it again.”

“You’ve that much faith in a single man?” she asked quietly, a half-smile on her lips, knowing full-well that the pilot did.

“Damn right I do!” Joker said with an indignant snort, “You haven’t seen him do what I have. Feros, Noveria, Virmire…no idea how he does it but if anyone has a hope in hell of kicking the Reapers back to dark space it’s him!”

Just as Eira was about to reply, a commotion coming from beyond the closed door behind them drew her attention.

Joker spun around in his seat, “What the –

The door hissed open and Shepard stormed into the small room, his hand clutching a data pad so tightly his knuckles were white.

He was furious, that much Eira could tell, but under that she saw that he was exhausted too. His body was tense but there were dark circles under his eyes and his clothes looked as though he had slept in them.

His cool blue eyes were focused on the pilot and she doubted he even registered her presence, something for which she was grateful.

Ever since that night in the mess hall kitchen when she’d made an idiot of herself, she’d been keeping her head low and avoiding him entirely when she could. And every time she did she knew was childish but she couldn’t help but hope that if he didn’t see her then maybe he’d forget the whole thing had ever happened. It was something she repeated to herself every time she slipped from a room he’d entered or abruptly excused herself when he approached her.

It was what she wanted to do right now, but with Shepard blocking the only exit she was trapped.

Joker smiled, “Commander –

“What the fuck were you thinking, keeping it from me, Joker?” He demanded as he stared down the man, his body shaking as his barely contained anger threatened to spill over.

His icy voice was so unsettling Eira jumped in her seat.

It was enough to catch Shepard’s gaze only briefly, and his expression didn’t lose any of its intensity before snapping back to Joker.

“What are you talking about, Shepard?” 

He threw the data-pad at Joker, who managed to catch it before it hit him in the face.

Grumbling under his breath, Joker shook his head at Shepard as he pulled up the pad’s screen. He scanned the report that appeared and his face went white.

“Did you think I wouldn’t find it?” Shepard snarled, his voice getting louder.

Joker shook his head, “No, Shepard, that’s not why I asked EDI to hide it! You have enough to deal with without having this shit added to the pile!”

Shepard snorted, “So you what? Hid it for my own good?”

The tension between them was nearly suffocating and Eira’s urge to flee was intense. Just as she was wracking her brain for something to do or say to calm them, Joker’s voice pulled her back into the moment.

“Yes!” Joker insisted as he tried to stand, urging his weak arms to push him up from the chair.

Eira reached out and lightly touched his arm, trying to keep him from hurting himself. She said his name, but Shepard’s voice overpowered her own and neither man heard her.

“You don’t need to deal with this, Shepard!” Joker urged him, “Let Anderson and the Alliance scout the wreck…”

“The Normandy was mine! I died with her, Joker!” He shouted, his voice cracking with emotions he was struggling to hold back, “How dare you not tell me they found her!”

The look Shepard gave Joker was heartbreaking. Eira could see his hurt plainly in his eyes. He felt betrayed.

Joker stammered as he searched for something to say and untimely shrugged, at a loss for words, “Shepard, I – 

“Break course,” Shepard snapped, his voice cold and unwavering, leaving no room for protest, “We’re heading to Alchera.”

~~~~~

The ship was buzzing with commotion and speculation when news of the sudden change of course hit. The mess hall was full and Eira had to weave her way through the rabble to reach the battery. When she finally reached her destination she was surprised to find Garrus was nowhere to be found. 

With a little help from EDI though she found him in the loading bay watching the crew prepare the shuttle.

As she approached him, she realized he looked frustrated.

Though it was still hard for her to tell what the turian was thinking. 

“Everything all right?” 

Garrus sighed heavily, “Are all humans as stubborn as Shepard?”

“Thankfully no,” Eira said with a smirk, “I take it we’re still headed to Alchera?”

“We are,” Garrus grumbled, “Shepard’s going down alone though.”

“No ground team?”

That was strange.

Garrus shook his head, “I tried talking him out of the mission altogether but he’s not listening…”

Eira fell silent and glanced around them. 

“What’s on Alchera anyway?” She whispered once she was certain they wouldn’t be overheard. 

“The remains of the original Normandy,” Garrus explained, his voice hushed, “Two years ago the original Normandy was attacked. Most of the crew got off before it exploded…Shepard didn’t.”

Eira had read the reports detailing the loss of the first Normandy of course, but when it came to Shepard’s resurrection…well, she thought maybe the report had embellished that part.

Garrus looked to her and saw the shock in her eyes.

“It’s true you know – Cerberus brought him back. He died with the first Normandy, there’s no doubting that. Exactly how they managed it, I don’t think I want to know, but it’s the one thing I’d actually thank the Illusive Man for.”

“Is it wise?” Eira asked, her gaze falling to the loading bay below where Shepard was overseeing launch preparations, “To go back, I mean. What is it he thinks he’ll find there?”

Garrus shrugged, “Beats me, kid. And no, I don’t think it’s a smart move.”

“What are we going to do then?”

“Nothing to do, kid, he’s dead set on going down by himself. He even ordered EDI not to allow anyone else to go down after him. Whatever he’s looking for down there he wants to be alone when he finds it.”

“That’s insane!” Eira hissed under her breath.

There was no way this was going to end well, she thought with a frown. He wanted to visit what was essentially his own grave completely alone, with nothing but ghosts of those he failed to save to keep him company. 

She looked down at Shepard. At first glance he might appear to some as being composed but even from a distance she could see the tension in his shoulders. He was barking orders at the crew in a way she’d never before seen him do. 

Her heart sunk. If his encounter with Ashley on Horizon hurt him then his going to Alchera was going to traumatize him.

Steeling herself, she pushed off the railing and headed for the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Garrus asked.

She didn’t stop, but spoke over her shoulder to Garrus as she started down the stairs, “I’ve got to at least try to talk him out of this!” 

If Garrus responded, Eira didn’t hear him. 

Her confidence started to waver when she neared Shepard and saw his nervous energy up close. But when she caught a glimpse of his hands shaking as he checked over his weapons for the third time, she again found her resolve. 

_He’s my friend and he’s hurting…I have to try…_

“Commander?”

He didn’t look up from his weapons; his only acknowledgement was a grunt.

“Garrus told me what Alchera means to you,” she started cautiously, aware she was treading on dangerous territory, “We both think this might not be a good idea.”

Shepard finished with his shotgun and moved to his pistol, “Anderson wants me to find the tags of those who died and lay a monument – nothing you or Garrus say is going to change my mind; so drop it…now.”

Eira stood a steadying breath before continuing, “I’m not saying don’t do it. Just…just don’t do it alone.”

Shepard’s gaze snapped up from his task and he eyed her curiously, his eyes cold and distant.

“I value Garrus’ opinion and I said no to him. What makes you think I’d listen to you?” He finished with the pistol and fastened it to his hip, “Who do you think you are?”

His gaze was now entirely focused on her. She felt small with its full weight upon her and as she thought on what he said, she realized he was right – who was she to ask things of him? Suddenly feeling completely foolish and naïve, she looked away from him. 

“I-I was just –

“Just stop,” Shepard hissed in frustration, “I don’t need your help, I don’t need your advice and I certainly don’t need your pity. Follow my orders and we won’t have any problems. Is that understood?”

His words hurt and she hated that she felt tears stinging her eyes, threatening to fall. She bit her lip and nodded, “Completely, sir.”

“Good, I don’t expect to have to clarify this for you again. Now return to the observation bridge and let me do my job.”

~~~~~

After Shepard’s shuttle departed, Eira remained in the loading bay when everyone else left to attend to their other duties. Garrus tried coaxing her into a game of cards, but she had politely declined. She hadn’t told Garrus what Shepard had said, she was still trying to process it all.

Granted she hadn’t known him long, not really, but she had never heard him speak like that to anyone before. 

She slumped against the wall, pulling her knees to her chest and sighing heavily as she waited for him to return. 

His words hurt more than she expected them to. She was no stranger to being spoken to harshly or of being made to feel small and inferior. During her time in Nafna she’d had orders barked at her on a daily basis. Her tutors were ruthless at times, demanding nothing short of perfection from her. There was little to no compassion there, who was she to expect it upon the Normandy?

Eira checked the time on her omni-tool.

Shepard had been gone for over an hour and, as far as she knew, there had been no communication with him in that time.

Despite his harsh parting words with her, she was worried for him. 

EDI’s holographic form appeared before her.

“You have been here for a while, Eira,” she said with surprising care and compassion, “Perhaps you should keep yourself busy while the Commander is planet-side?”

Eira shrugged, “I couldn’t focus on anything right now…but thank you EDI. Can…can you tell if he’s all right?”

“Current hardsuit scans indicate a spike in the Commander’s adrenaline, but that is nothing to be concerned with. There’s been no trauma to the suit but the scan does show a spike in the Commander’s anxiety. Should I notice anything truly alarming, I will inform Agent Lawson, however the Commander gave strict instructions – no one is to go after him.”

“She wouldn’t do anything anyway,” Eira scoffed, “This is ridiculous…”

There was a moment of silence before EDI responded.

“Returning to the site of his death could prove to be a troubling experience,” she began, “I will monitor his scans closely, Eira.”

“Thank you,” Eira mumbled, “I suppose it’s silly to worry…”

“Observation tells me it is a normal human response in situations like this.”

She sighed, “Yeah…it sucks though.”

“I do not…”

EDI’s voice suddenly cut out and her hologram disappeared.

Confused, Eira called her name.

Could the AI have short-circuited? It seemed unlikely given Cerberus had created her, but Eira had never seen her behave this way before.

EDI’s hologram reappeared.

“I’m receiving troubling readings from the Commander’s hardsuit.”

Eira jumped to her feet, “What do you mean?”

“Current data indicates a spike in the Commander’s heart rate. It also shows muscle tension and hyperventilation –

“What’s happening, EDI?” Eira interjected, wanting a straight forward answer from the AI.

“He seems to be in a state of panic,” EDI clarified, “though I am unsure why.”

“Has Miranda been told?”

“Of course, she’s commanded that we abide by Commander Shepard’s initial order to remain on the ship.”

Do nothing?

Eira’s chest tightened at the thought. 

“We can’t just sit here, EDI!”

“What do you suggest?” 

Eira scanned the loading bay. No one else was around but she caught glimpse of another shuttle, a back-up most likely, across the bay.

“I’m going down after him.” 

The confidence in her own voice surprised her, but her mind was made.

“Commander Shepard ordered – 

“I know what he said,” Eira snapped, unwilling to hear anyone else suggest remaining idle, “Don’t those scans worry you?”

EDI hesitated, but ultimately agreed.

“Yes,” she said quietly, “And the Illusive Man would not be pleased if Shepard was left vulnerable…”

“Exactly! He’d want his investment protected!” Eira sprinted down the stairs and across the bay to the shuttle, “EDI I need your help, I can’t pilot this thing!”

“You intend to go after him?”

Eira took a deep breath, “Yes. But I need your help if I’m going to do this, EDI!”

She rifled through some nearby lockers and found pieces of a hardsuit that appeared to be her size. She hastened to put them on and when the final buckle hissed closed, she pilfered a nearby weapons locker, selecting a pistol.

“EDI, please!”

“The Illusive Man would not want to lose two of his investments,” the AI concluded, “Very well, you have my aid.”

The shuttle fired to life and its hatch hissed open.

“I’ll take whatever consequences come from this, EDI,” Eira assured her as she boarded, her helmet tucked under her arm, “This is all on me.”

The hatch hissed closed and Eira felt the shuttle idle. She quickly buckled herself in.

EDI’s hologram appeared in the shuttle.

“Negative,” she stated in her calm, even voice, “As an AI I have free will. I am making the decision to aid you of my own free will, Eira. It is on the both of us.”

Eira smiled at the hologram, “EDI, if you had a body I’d hug you right now.”

“No need,” the AI said with what Eira swore was bashfulness, “Please endeavor to return promptly. I’d like for you both to return in one piece less the Illusive Man see fit to have me decommissioned.”

~~~~~

The shuttle ride to Alchera was going to take twenty minutes. Quick, but it felt like it was taking forever for Eira. 

EDI kept Eira updated the entire time.

Miranda and the crew knew about her departure and according to EDI, Miranda was livid.

“I’ll deal with it later,” Eira said shakily, “what about Shepard?”

_Gods, what am I doing…_

“I’ve tried reaching him using the communications channel built into his hardsuit but he’s not responding. Scans show no improvement, heart palpitations are rapid and sensors indicate a significant dip in his core body temperature.”

“Could that be from the planet’s environment?”

“Negative, his hardsuit is designed to keep his temperature normal.”

Eira nodded, “All right.”

She stood, knowing they’d be landing soon, and tried to steady her breathing. Not knowing what she was walking into was terrifying. She didn’t regret her decision to disobey his orders, but she knew the consequences would be severe. What if he sent her back to Cerberus?

“Eira?” 

She shook of her worry and tried to focus on the moment.

“I’m fine, EDI.”

“Of course. We’re two minutes out.”

Eira whispered a curse under her breath and fastened her helmet in place. 

“How am I going to find him?”

“I can speak to you through the communications link in your hardsuit. I will guide you to where Shepard’s signal is coming from.”

The shuttle landed softly and the hatch hissed open, allowing a gust of bitter cold wind into the shuttle. Snow beat against her hardsuit and when she leapt from the shuttle, she sunk up to her knees in the soft snow.

Just as she wondered where to begin, she looked up and saw what remained of the Normandy. 

It was eerie and she didn’t even have a connection to it. She could only imagine what Shepard was feeling.

She trudged through the deep snow, stumbling every so often when she found a deep spot.

“EDI!” Eira said as she panted, scanning the area around her for any sign of the commander, “Am I getting close?”

“Affirmative, the Commander is twenty-five hundred feet to your left.”

Eira sighed, “EDI that’s not ‘close’!”

There was a pause, “Perhaps, but he is not moving according to my scans, that’s something.”

Groaning, Eira continued through the deep snow. 

After what felt like an eternity, Eira saw a sliver of black that stuck out against the sea of white that was the Alchera landscape. 

She called out his name but if it was him she saw, he didn’t answer.

“EDI?”

“One hundred feet, straight ahead.”

So it was him.

Eira ran through the snow, calling his name in and hoping desperately for a reply.

When she got closer, she saw that he was on his knees and clutching something.

“Commander?”

He didn’t give any indication he heard her.

Eira stepped around him and saw that he was holding a helmet that looked an awful lot like the one he was currently wearing. 

She dropped to her knees and tried to get his attention.

When trying to talk to him did nothing, she touched his arm.

He was shaking.

His head shot up but still he said nothing. With his helmet on she could only see his eyes but they were wide with…fear? She couldn’t quite tell what it was. But while he was looking at her, she got the impression he was somewhere else.

“Commander?” Eira shook him gently, “Come on; let’s get you out of here.”

When he said and did nothing, Eira slipped her arm under his and tried to pull him to his feet.

He didn’t fight against her touch and she eventually managed to get him to his feet. His grip on the helmet was unwavering and she made no move to take it from him. Instead she maneuvered his arm over her shoulders and supported most of his weight as they made their way slowly back to the shuttle.

After stumbling their way across the vast expanse of ice and snow they finally reached the shuttle.

With a grunt, Eira heaved Shepard inside.

After insuring the door hissed closed and the compartment was decompressed, Eira removed her helmet. She turned back to Shepard to find him on his hands and knees, shaking so badly she thought that maybe he had somehow developed hypothermia. 

“Commander? Answer me!”

She leapt to his side, resting one hand on his back as she reached to unfasten and removed his helmet. 

When she did, she was absolutely flabbergasted by what she saw.

Shepard was crying.

“S-Shepard?”

Tears streaked down his cheeks and his big blue eyes were darting about the cabin. His skin was slick with sweat and his skin was ghostly pale.

Heartbroken at the sight of him, Eira touched his back.

“Commander?”

His panicked eyes met hers and his lips trembled.

“I-I c-can’t breathe,” he said in a hushed breath, “E-Eira!”

She hushed him and checked around his neck for anything that might be too tight.

He said her name in a raspy, pleading voice and grabbed her hand as it touched his neck.

“I-I can’t,” he wheezed, “T-Too tight!”

“It’s all right,” she said softly, “Let me help you, Shepard.”

He began clawing at his chest piece and Eira swatted his shaky hands away, unlatching the clasps herself to pull the armour away. He didn’t calm down until she had every piece of armour above his waist removed. 

Curled up on the ground, Shepard trembled and clutched his chest.

Eira felt helpless.

The shuttle finally lifted from the snow-capped world of Alchera. She vaguely registered EDI’s voice but was far too focused on the man before her to take much notice.

Twenty minutes, Eira thought, I’ve got to get him through the next twenty minutes.

Shepard suddenly started hyperventilating.

“Shepard! No! Whatever you’re seeing, it isn’t real!” She tried to get him to roll onto his back but he clung to her desperately, “Shepard?”

Unsure what else to do, Eira rubbed his back. His undershirt was saturated in sweat and clung to his skin, but it didn’t deter her from comforting him in the least.

“Hush,” she said soothingly, “you’re here with me, and you’re safe…”

He made a choking sound and rolled forward, colliding with Eira and holding onto her desperately. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and wrapped his arms around her waist. Initially startled, Eira regained her senses and hugged him back. 

She could feel his tears on her neck and she ran her hands up his back, using one to rub the back of his neck.

“What did you see?” She asked in a whisper.

Shepard’s choked sobs grew more intense and he tightened his hold on her. 

“M-My chest,” he gasped, “c-can’t breathe. It was so c-cold…and t-then everything w-went numb…”

She rested her cheek against the top of his head, “You’re on the shuttle with me. We’re going back to the Normandy, back to your friends.”

She felt a shiver ran through his body.

“Dying,” he whined, “D-Dead.”

“Who?”

His response came in a stammer, but she caught what he said.

She kissed his temple and pressed her lips to his ear.

“You’re alive, Shepard. You’re right here, in my arms, alive.”

A new wave of whines and sobs overcame him and she said nothing, allowing him to hold her as tightly as he needed to until at last he calmed down.

He slumped against her, knocking her backwards against the edge of a row of seats. It was an awkward angle he was holding her at, but the tension had finally left his body and he was quiet.

She tried to catch his gaze but he refused to look at her.

Knowing he had to feel exposed, she said nothing and allowed him to stay where he was.

“Two minutes until docking,” EDI’s voice broke the silence.

Eira thanked the AI, and then looked to Shepard, who still had his arms around her waist and his head on her chest.

“Can you breathe all right, Commander?” She asked gently.

He nodded against her but otherwise remained silent.

“Good,” she gave a heavy sigh of relief, “You had me worried.”

The shuttled touched down, the jarring motion enough to pull Shepard from his stupor. He pushed away from her and scurried backwards.

Their eyes met and Eira was taken aback by the intensity of his gaze. He was…exposed. That was the only way she could describe it. Exposed, pained, laid bare before her…and ashamed.

“Please be advised, Eira, that Operative Lawson and Normandy crew members are waiting for you just outside the shuttle door. They mean to apprehend you.”

Eira and Shepard stood, each collecting themselves for what was to come.

“Thank you, EDI,” she swallowed hard, “can you tell them I’m surrendering. I’ll not resist them.”

“Of course.”

When EDI’s hologram disappeared, Eira looked to Shepard. 

He was standing across from her, holding onto the wall for support. But his eyes were fixed on her. He looked as though he had a thousand things to say but he made no attempt to speak; he just looked at her.

Eira looked away from him.

“I hope you’re all right, Commander.”

She approached the console and opened the shuttle door.

Just as EDI warned, Miranda and a half dozen crew members were waiting for her. All had their guns raised.

Eira hopped out of the shuttle and raised her hands.

As one of the crew bound her hands, Miranda approached her.

She glared at Eira, and then turned to the crew.

“Lock her in the starboard cargo hold; it’s up to Shepard and the Illusive Man what to do with her from there.”

Eira didn’t fight them as they led her away.

She did glance back over her shoulder though and saw Shepard slump to the ground and rest his head in his hands.


	19. Aftershock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events on Alchera, Shepard's in shock. He takes drastic measures to put distance between himself and Eira.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter so soon? I'm on a roll!! :) Enjoy, dear readers!

Shepard was present, but he wasn't there.

Not really.

As Miranda, Jacob, and Garrus bickered back and forth, he sat quietly in the corner of the comm room.

Slumped in his chair, his gaze distant, Shepard was far too lost in his own thoughts to listen to what they were saying.

Even now, hours later, he was in disbelief.

He wished it would all go away.

But as he squeezed his eyes tightly closed, the details were just as real, just as crisp.

And he knew there was no way it would go away.

When he'd left Eira and boarded the shuttle for Alchera, he immediately felt like scum. There hadn't been any reason to be so cruel and yet the words had left him without hesitation. It was all he thought about during the shuttle ride and once the shuttle door opened, painful memories rushed back and hit him square in the chest.

He'd looked upon the ruins of the first Normandy and seen echoes of his old life, flashes of all he'd lost. With every set of dog tags he found, the pain in his chest grew as those memories returned. He saw images of Presley, of Ashley in the loading bay, Kaidan in the mess…

It felt as though he was reliving the life he lived before his death.

And when he found his old N7 helmet…

Shepard let out a shaky sigh.

He remembered it all.

The Normandy exploded and he was jettisoned into the vast emptiness of space. There was a moment of shock, followed in quick succession by crippling panic as his hardsuit sensors screamed their warnings.

There was a suit puncture.

He'd twisted and thrashed, trying to reach the hose that connected to his helmet but as much as he tried there was no stopping it. Wide eyed and terrified, he had looked down on the planet below and known then it would be his grave.

The tightening in his chest overrode all else. He felt himself gasping desperately for breath that would not come as tears streaked down his face.

Shepard gasped, clutching his chest, and his gaze shot upward to his comrades. They were still arguing. Miranda was pushing for Eira to be sent back to the Illusive Man, Garrus defending her and Jacob trying without success to calm the two of them.

Shepard knew he should intervene.

But he couldn't bring himself to stand let alone enter the fray.

Returning to his thoughts, Shepard found himself on his knees in the snow again, clutching his old helmet in his hands. He never thought he'd find it, ever expected to find evidence of his death on the planet. It had been so much more convenient to believe he had gone from space to the station where Miranda's team had rebuilt him. The in-between, the state of limbo he'd been in, hadn't crossed his mind before.

And now it was so clear, so precise it was cruel.

That Eira had found him like that, dazed and mute in the snow, made him sick. But it was the fact that he'd been relieved to see her shamed him.

Through the wind and snow and horror that bombarded him…it had been seeing her and feeling her touch him, knowing he wasn't seeing things, that had given him hope it would end.

A shudder rippled through him as he recalled his behaviour on the shuttle ride back to the Normandy.

Weak.

He'd been so damned weak.

And he hated himself for it; hated himself for how good it had felt when she'd held him. Her voice, her reassurances, had calmed him like he hadn't thought possible.

You're alive, Shepard. You're right here, in my arms, alive…

And he had been.

She'd calmed him when he'd truly thought he was losing his mind. He didn't want the shuttle to arrive, didn't want to let her go. Holding her…it shouldn't have affected him so profoundly.

Dread settled in his stomach as he realized that he couldn't just shrug off what he felt for her as lust.

It was…more complicated.

And Eira was a complication he couldn't afford.

The frayed threads that held together the farce he was living only weakened with her. He felt naked and exposed, nothing at all like the man he needed to be to accomplish the herculean task set before him.

"She needs to face the consequences of her actions!"

Shepard's gaze snapped upward and he saw Miranda standing before him, hands on her hips and a scowl on her face.

"Shepard," she insisted, her irritation evident in her voice, "Eira needs to know the consequences of disobeying a direct order. We need to set an example to the crew."

"That's insane and you know it," Garrus interjected, "she only did what we all wanted to! It might have been an order but it was a damned stupid one!"

Miranda sighed heavily, "If we let her go without punishment it sets a bad precedent."

"She helped the commander," Jacob said, "whether she did it by the book or not doesn't really matter as far as I'm concerned."

"And that's why you're not in charge," Miranda scoffed, crossing her arms.

"No, but you're not either," Jacob reminded her, "Shepard is."

Shepard raised his hands, bidding them all to stop speaking.

He sighed as he stood, "I'll deal with it."

He slipped past them, ignoring Miranda's attempts to press him for detail, and left the comm room.

As he headed for the lift, he wondered what exactly he was going to do.

What he wanted he couldn't do. Eira was a weakness and he had enough of those that he couldn't afford another, not when that attachment jeopardised his mission.

Sending her back to the Illusive Man wasn't an option either.

Regardless of Eira's willingness to accept it, she'd been used and imprisoned by Cerberus. Shepard was certain of that, though the details were still obscure.

He wasn't going to hand her back to her tormentor.

As the lift stilled and the door hissed open on the cargo level, Shepard knew what he had to do.

But that didn't make the thought of doing it any more appealing.

~~~~~

Her lodgings in the starboard cargo hold were a bit cramped, but otherwise comfortable. The crew had dragged in a small cot and provided her with blankets, books, and what few possessions she had.

Considering she was now a prisoner, it was more than she could have asked for.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, she fumbled with the bracelet on her wrist, thinking back fondly to the day on the Citadel when he'd bought it for her.

She didn't regret it, not in the slightest; despite her current situation.

The door to her cell hissed open and Eira jumped to her feet, startled by the intrusion and fully expecting Miranda and armed Cerberus soldiers to greet her.

Instead, it was him.

"Commander…"

She noticed immediately that something was wrong. He looked uncomfortable, tense, as if he was pained.

"Are you all right?" Eira asked gently.

He took a deep breath and his gaze rose, meeting hers with a bizarre intensity.

He seemed distant and detached. The colour had yet to return to his face and he looked pale and worn; as if he'd not slept since returning from Alchera.

And maybe he hasn't, she thought sadly.

Shepard cleared his throat.

"Miranda thinks I should send you back to the Illusive Man."

Eira nodded. She was saddened but not surprised.

"And what do you think?" Eira asked quietly, unable to bring her voice above a whisper.

"I think you need to stop," Shepard said coldly, his voice harsh.

Caught off guard and unsure what he could possibly mean, Eira stammered as she sought an explanation.

"I-I really don't understand, Shepard."

"That's 'Commander'," he corrected, "and you need to stop – right now. No more glances –

"Glances?"

Confused and nervous, the interruption had left her before she had the awareness to stop herself.

"At me," he clarified in an emotionless voice, "I'm not blind, Eira."

Understanding hit her suddenly. Eira felt her face flare red with embarrassment and her heart sink simultaneously. Being trapped in the room with him, under the heat of his icy gaze, Eira wanted nothing more than to run. She felt small and had to bit her lip to quell its quivering.

Shepard sighed, "No more, Eira. No more shitty meals and poking your nose into my business."

If it were possible, his words made her feel even smaller.

"I'm tired of bumping into you every time I turn around."

Eira winced, his words paining her.

There was so much she wanted to say, so much she had to explain but didn't know where to begin.

"I-I'm –

"For fuck's sake," he said in quiet awe, "you're a damn kid."

As much as she tried, Eira couldn't stop the tears from welling up in her eyes.

"What did you think?"

"I…just wanted to help," Eira said in a whisper, her chin quivering.

Shepard gave an exasperated sigh.

"Just…leave me alone."

She looked up at him, "You…want me to leave?"

The mere thought of leaving terrified her. Where would she go? Back to Cerberus and a lonely life on a distant space station?

The thought of that didn't sit well with her.

She didn't want to leave her new friends. She'd done and seen so much since Nafna and as much as the vast expanse of the galaxy scared her, she wanted the chance to see more of it. Whatever she could do to help she wanted to. Whatever she needed to do to prove her worth, she would.

And, despite his cruel words, she didn't want to leave him.

The Shepard standing before her now wasn't the same one she'd known, nor the one she'd comforted on the shuttle after Alchera. As hopeless as she knew her infatuation to be, she had no idea where his cruelty was coming from or why she deserved it.

Had she really annoyed him so terribly?

Shepard just looked at her, offering her no answer save silence.

"I…I don't know what you want me to do," Eira finally said, her voice shaky and quiet, "I-I only wanted to help you."

"Follow orders," Shepard said evenly, his voice as detached as his gaze, "and stop hounding me. Get over your stupid, childish crush and do your damn job. I've got more important things to concern myself with."

Tears now streaked freely down her cheeks.

"All right," she managed weakly.

"We're understood?"

Eira brushed aside her tears and nodded, "Perfectly, commander."

Shepard seemed relieved.

He made to leave, "You're free to return to your quarters."

"I'd like to stay here," she said quickly.

Shepard stopped and eyed her curiously, "You want to take this cargo hold as your quarters?"

Eira nodded, "If it's all right with you, commander."

He scanned the room.

"It's cramped."

"It's fine," she insisted.

Sighing, Shepard nodded.

"I'll let Kasumi know the lounge is all hers now then."

"Thank you."

Shepard just looked at her.

"If there's nothing else you'd like to advise me of, commander, I'd like to be alone right now," Eira murmured, voice wrought with barely contained emotion.

He stared at her and there was an agonising stretch of silence between them before he finally nodded and left the room.

~~~~~

He'd only just left her, the door had closed behind him and he'd taken no more than four steps, when he heard her heartbreaking sobs.

He stopped in his tracks and listened.

The urge to go back in and plead for forgiveness was intense and he struggled silently for some time before continuing down the corridor toward the lift.

Despite knowing he'd done the right thing in pushing her away, he hated himself for it. Eira had been nothing but kind to him. As foolish as her affections were, she was genuine and sweet-natured. Safe. Having her near was…calming. And had she not been there on Alchera…

He knew he'd have stayed there in the snow until he froze or lost his mind. She'd pulled him away from that whether she knew it or not.

And he'd just repaid that kindness with cruelty.

Shepard clenched his fists until his knuckles went white. He hurried into the lift and when the door closed, let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

Hating himself, Shepard tried telling himself again and again that it was the right thing to do, that someday Eira might understand.

But he couldn't shake the image of her; chin quivering as she fought back tears and big eyes full of hurt, from his mind.

Suddenly very eager for a drink, Shepard headed for his cabin.

Tomorrow they'd get back on course and he could pretend the events on Alchera never happened. He could pretend he was the commander the crew of the Normandy thought they had leading them and that he had a clue what he was doing.

Eira would be better then, he told himself, and they'd pretend everything was simple between them.

I only wanted to help you…

He tried telling himself that whatever doubts he had would be made clear in the morning, when he saw Eira.

But he didn't see her in the morning; he didn't see her all day.

Or the day after that.


	20. A New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three days have passed since Alchera and nothing is the same...

"You're distracted," Liara observed, her gaze following Shepard as he paced back and forth in her office.

Shepard shrugged, "There's been a lot to deal with lately."

She wasn't the least bit convinced. Before the destruction of the original Normandy, she'd thought there was nothing he couldn't do. Then again, she'd been horribly naïve, hardly more than a child. But here he was, standing before her, a tightly bound bundle of nerves she hardly recognized.

It pained her.

She brought him back. Perhaps that was selfish but there was no going back, not now.

Now she could only try to help him as much as she could. After all he had done, it was the least she could do for him.

"I don't doubt it," she smiled, "it's been difficult to keep tabs on you what with you dashing from one end of the galaxy to the other."

"There are always fires to put out," Shepard said with a sad, forced smirk.

"Some things never change I suppose," she eyed him curiously, noting the tension in his body and the distant, far-off look in his eyes, "You have though."

That caught his attention.

He looked to her, his confusion evident.

"I knew when I gave your body to Cerberus that if they succeeded in bringing you back you wouldn't be the same," she sighed, "who would? The galaxy is asking more of you now than ever before."

"I'm not alone," Shepard said quickly, "and I've been doing this for a long time, Liara. It's nothing new to me."

"I know. But something's clearly bothering you," she said gently, "I have resources; surely there's a way I can help you?"

For a brief, fleeting moment, Shepard considered telling her everything. The nightmares and flashbacks, the guilt and doubt…how he'd lashed out at a friend when she'd been brave enough to try to help him – all of it.

He suspected he would feel lighter for it, but the words failed to form on his lips.

It'd been three days since Alchera and Eira had yet to emerge from her room in the starboard cargo hold. Garrus, Gabby, and Kasumi had all tried unsuccessfully to coax her from her room, but she never gave any indication she even heard them. He feigned indifference the entire time, brushing off Garrus' concerns when he came to him asking him to take action.

In truth, Shepard was worried. He wanted to demand that EDI open the door or blast his way through, but he did neither and the guilt was nearly suffocating. So he'd attempted to drown himself in work, hoping to recommit himself to the task set before him and stop his mind from wandering back to Eira.

He'd come to Ilium to help Miranda get her sister safely off the planet. But once the mission was complete he had headed straight for Liara's office while the others went back to the Normandy. He hadn't consciously sought her out, rather his feet had taken him here and before he could second guess it, he was pacing in her office.

"Still trying to get used to it I guess," he muttered, "Two years…"

Liara nodded, "Much has changed."

Shepard let out a shaky breath and tried to shake off the tightening pinch in his chest. The last thing he needed was to break down in front of her.

"I've got Joker and Garrus with me," he said, trying to convince himself rather than her, "some things don't at least."

Liara had heard about his encounter with Ashley on Horizon of course, she had eyes and ears everywhere. She could only imagine the damage her rejection had inflicted upon the already fragile man. She opted not to bring up the gunnery chief, not wanting to pour salt on a wound she had no doubt was still open and festered.

"I've heard you're assembling an impressive crew, Shepard. I…am sorry I cannot be there for you in this."

Shepard looked to her, a fondness in his sad eyes.

"You're here; it's enough."

Liara smiled, "If you ever need anything I'm here, Shepard. You only need to ask."

~~~~~

Shepard spent hours aimlessly wandering Ilium after leaving Liara's office before he finally decided to return to the Normandy. He knew it wasn't a smart idea, wandering without backup, but he couldn't bring himself to care; he needed the solitude to think.

It was late by then and the mess hall was largely disserted, crew members having retired to the barracks long ago. With a heavy sigh, Shepard made his way towards the lift only to be interrupted by Garrus, who was leaning against the mess hall counter, a drink in his hand.

"There you are," Garrus said, slamming down his drink, "You didn't answer any of Miranda's messages."

Shepard stopped and gave a shrug, "I didn't want to speak to her."

"I can't blame you there," Garrus said with a light chuckle, "but you had us worried."

Shepard said nothing. He just wanted Garrus to stop talking so he could retreat to his cabin and the bottle of unopened whiskey that awaited him.

"Don't you want to know why she was trying to get a hold of you though?" Garrus pressed, his light tone now gone and something akin to irritation in his voice.

Shepard decided to humor him, "Why?"

"We finally got Eira out of the cargo hold," Garrus said as he approached Shepard, "she's in with Chakwas now."

Shepard tensed and a sudden tightness formed in the center of his chest. He clenched his fists and nodded, trying to control his reaction. He wanted to bolt to the med-bay, wanted to apologize for everything and somehow make it up to her. But he couldn't. She was a weakness he couldn't afford and while he hated himself for saying what he did he knew there was no way he could go back on it. Still, the guilt weight heavy on him and the idea of her hurt or sick because of him made it difficult for him to remain composed.

He only briefly looked to Garrus, finding it difficult to feign indifference and look the turian in the eye.

"She all right?"

"Doc says she's severely dehydrated. She's hardly eaten a damn thing since locking herself in there either, and with her being a biotic that wasn't smart. She's spending the night in the med-bay so Chakwas can keep an eye on her."

"So she'll be fine," Shepard said quickly, "That's good."

"If it weren't for EDI alerting me to her condition she might not be," Garrus said sternly.

Shepard didn't miss the hardness in his voice and he eyed the turian, his gaze cold.

"If you have something to say Garrus, just say it."

Garrus took the invitation, "What the hell happened between you and her, Shepard? She's not an idiot; she would have known the consequences of not keeping her energy up as a biotic."

"It doesn't matter what we talked about. She's an adult, Garrus," Shepard snapped, "Eira can make her own decisions. If she doesn't want to eat, I certainly can't make her. If she wants to pout like a child in her room for three days, then so be it. I have more important things to do than babysit a kid."

Garrus looked taken aback. He slowly shook his head and stepped out of Shepard's way.

"Whatever's going on Shepard you need to get it sorted; this isn't you."

Shepard said nothing. He knew Garrus was right, there was no denying it. Instead he headed for the lift, more eager than ever to crack open the bottle of whiskey waiting for him.

"Just tell me you'll go and see her," Garrus said with a sigh, "The Shepard I know would visit one of his team in medical – regardless of why they were there."

He wanted to. He wanted to see her and know for himself she was going to be all right but he couldn't.

It took all of his strength to step onto the lift.

"Tomorrow," he assured the turian, "I need to get some sleep and I'm sure she does too."

The lift door hissed closed as Shepard retreated to his cabin. Garrus remained in the mess hall for some time afterwards, wracking his brain for something, anything; he could do to stop the self-destruct sequence Shepard seemed to be stuck in.

He'd lost his friend once and he couldn't shake the feeling that he was losing him again.

~~~~~

Eira woke from a deep sleep early in the morning feeling considerably worse then she had the day before. Her limbs still felt weak and heavy and she seriously doubted she'd be able to hold herself up if she were to attempt to stand. The pounding headache remained as well, though Chakwas assured her it would fade with water and rest.

With great effort, Eira sat up on her cot and began to slowly fix the tangled mess of her braid.

Despite her state, she was still angry EDI had alerted Garrus and allowed him into her room. For three days she had laid curled up on her bed, crying until she physically couldn't anymore. She'd pass out and wake only to cry again. Where the tears came from she had no clue, by now she thought she was tapped out. The entire time she was sequestered in her room, she kept replaying everything in her head. Every moment she'd had with Shepard since meeting him on Nafna, every stupid mistake and fumble she had made…

She was a fool; it was the only explanation that made any sense.

How she ever thought that he might…

Eira felt her chin start to quiver again and she took a deep breath to steady herself.

She'd cried enough.

There was no point in shedding anymore tears; it wouldn't solve anything or erase what had already happened. She'd made a fool of herself; blatantly and tactlessly fawned over a man she couldn't possibly have…and now she had to get over it. She had to get over him.

Chakwas emerged from her room and gave Eira a beaming smile as she started preparing another dose of IV fluids for her.

"Feeling any better, my dear?"

Eira shrugged, "'m better, still feel weak though."

"There's a reason why biotics require a higher caloric intake, but I'd think you would know that," she gave Eira a disappointed look, "Whatever were you thinking, my dear?"

Eira remained silent.

She wasn't sure why she had done it. At the time all that had mattered was being alone. She hadn't thought of food at all. Now it all felt more than a little foolish.

The hurt was still there though; just as sharp as it had been when Shepard left her room.

Being alone hadn't solved anything.

"I don't know," Eira finally said, her gaze fixed upon the floor.

Chakwas sighed as she poked Eira with the needle and begun the drip, "Well neither do I. If Garrus hadn't found you –

"I know," Eira interjected, "I'd be a lot worse…"

After double checking the drip, Chakwas grabbed a sheet from the foot of the bed and draped it over Eira's shoulders.

"You most certainly would be," she brushed stray strands of hair out of Eira's eyes, "Whatever got you so upset, my dear?"

Eira bit her lip, making no attempt to answer the doctor.

"Keep your secrets then, but the commander will expect some answers when he gets here."

Eira's gaze snapped to the doctor, "No, please, just tell him I'm fine, it was just a stomach bug or something!"

"Eira…"

Before she had a chance to plead her case any further, the med-bay door opened and Shepard entered. He seemed genuinely surprised to see Eira awake but the shock on his face faded quickly and was replaced by a stern, distant look she was becoming all too familiar with.

"How is your patient, doctor?" Shepard asked as he approached.

Chakwas opened a screen on her data-pad and moved to show him her scans.

"Very well all things considered. Just last night she was extremely dehydrated, weak, and suffering from hallucinations brought on by a severe migraine. I placed her on fluids and gave her a mild sedative to allow her some uninterrupted rest. The prognosis is good," she looked back to Eira, "although it wouldn't be if not for EDI and Garrus."

Shepard's focus remained on the data-pad.

"And how is she now?"

"She's still weak and suffering from a mild headache, but nothing severe. I'll be releasing her from my care later today with strict instructions to rest and keep her biotics offline for another forty-eight hours."

Shepard handed the pad back to Chakwas, "Thank you, doctor. May I have a moment alone with the patient to speak in private?"

"Of course," Chakwas said without hesitation, "Perhaps you can get an explanation from her."

Eira watched as Chakwas left, leaving her alone in the small med-bay with Shepard. When the door closed behind her, Eira brought the blanket more securely around her, feeling horribly exposed. It wasn't just that she only wore the tank top and shorts she'd gone to bed in, but that he knew the reason for her pain.

There was nothing for her to hide behind.

"Are you feeling better?" Shepard asked as he shifted on his feet, looking anywhere but at her.

Eira nodded, "Yes, commander."

"Good, you had Garrus worried."

She slowly raised her gaze to look at him, fighting back tears all the while.

"I didn't ask for his help, or EDI's," she said quietly, "I wanted to be alone."

There was a tense silence between them and she had to bite her lip to keep herself from lashing out at him, demanding answers of her own.

When he finally spoke, his words hit her with enough force to knock the wind from her lungs.

"You're a valuable resource to the mission. Garrus and EDI were within their rights to intervene when your health was jeopardized."

Eira was shaking but she clenched the blanket tightly, hoping he'd think she was just cold if he bothered to look at her at all.

"Of course, commander," she said as coldly and sharply as she could muster.

"I trust this won't happen again."

"You've my word, commander."

With a nod, he turned as if to leave but paused near the door.

She could tell he was tense, she could see it plainly in his shoulders and jawline. He looked exhausted, she noted sadly, seeing that the dark circles under his eyes hadn't faded since last she'd seen him.

"The Normandy is bound for Tuchunka next. I've agreed to help Mordin and Grunt in personal matters and I'd like to have you as part of my team when we go planet side."

That surprised her. After his outburst, she thought he wouldn't so much as speak to her again let alone take her on any mission. While she'd have leapt at the chance to go with him before, now she dreaded it. Enduring his cold and distant acceptance of her wasn't something she suspected she would have an easy time doing. But she knew from his tone he wasn't asking her, so she simply nodded.

He left the room without saying another word and Eira let out a shaky breath as soon as the door closed behind him. She fiddled with the bracelet at her wrist, her fingers tracing the now familiar patterns slowly. She thought back to that day on the Citadel, to when he had bought her the bracelet.

With tears in her eyes she tried to find the exact moment where she had gone wrong, where her presence or actions had offended him so greatly. But try as she might nothing came to mind, nothing that had happened made his outburst make any sense.

Stretching out on the bed, Eira felt exhaustion settle over her like a shroud and she had to fight to keep her eyes open.

Just before exhaustion won out, Eira found herself thinking for the first time that she wished she could go back to Nafna.

~~~~~

Later that day, just as dinner was being served in the mess hall, Chakwas released Eira from the med-bay with strict instructions to take it easy for the next two days. She walked past the tables of laughing crew members, pausing only to waive at Gabby and Kenneth, before taking the lift down to the engineering deck.

Considerably quieter than the mess hall, there was only the gentle hum of the mass effect core to break the silence. It was strangely soothing and she found herself thinking hopefully that her move to the lower deck might have been a good one for her.

"Retreating back to your room, princess?"

Eira stopped and turned to see Jack leaning against the wall near a stairwell, her arms crossed over her nearly-bare chest.

"Does that somehow offend you?" Eira asked, too worn out to feign niceties when the last time they spoke the tattooed biotic had spat on everything she'd known to be true.

Jack snorted, "Look, whatever has your panties in a fucking twist you need to get over now. Nothing is worth sobbing over for three days."

Eira shot her a cold look, "I didn't realize you cared."

"I couldn't care less," Jack corrected, "I'm just amazed someone who is supposed to be a crazy strong biotic would cry like a baby whenever life fucked her over."

"And what would you do, Jack?" Eira countered, "Since you clearly know what I should be doing."

"Get angry," Jack hissed, "it fixes things better than tears ever could."

Eira was angry – but at herself, not Shepard. She had tried, hoping that if she was angry at him she might feel better but it had done no good.

"Anger won't fix this," Eira finally said, "Good night, Jack."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tuchunka is next, dear readers! And I promise you nothing is going to be the same for Eira and Shepard afterwards!!! :) Hang in there!


	21. Tuchunka, Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard takes Eira with him to Tuchunka...and everything changes....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay, folks! June was a very busy month for me and then I was out of commission for a while with a bad back. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter! It’s a scene I’ve been excited to get to for a long time and I can’t wait to see what you all think! It was getting pretty long so I broke it into two parts, this one being the first. I’ll be diving right into the next chapter so hopefully you guys won’t be kept waiting too long ;)

The shuttle shook violently as it entered Tuchunka's atmosphere. Eira sat tense and quiet in her seat, discreetly gripping it as she took steadying breaths to calm her unease.

Her krogan comrade shared none of her worries though. Grunt cheered as the shaking intensified, laughing as though he was possessed.

"Your woman doesn't seem to like my planet's greeting, Shepard," Grunt said to the commander with a grin as the vibrations began to mercifully subside.

Startled by the krogan's words, Eira felt her cheeks redden in embarrassment, the implication of the krogan's words sucking the air from her chest; and glanced at Shepard from the corner of her eye. Shepard was glaring at the krogan from his seat and hadn't so much as spared Eira a glance.

She still didn't understand why he was bringing her along. Chakwas had refused to allow her to join him with assisting Mordin two days ago, but she hadn't been able to sway him when he insisted she join him on Tuchunka, this time to help Grunt. He clearly wanted her there and yet he'd said nothing to her since boarding the shuttle, had hardly acknowledged her presence in the slightest.

She might as well be invisible.

When Shepard said nothing, Eira risked another glance his way.

Shepard sat with his arms crossed looking out the window, seemingly engrossed with the sight of the fog of dust and debris lifting as they neared the planet's surface, revealing a barren landscape dotted with crumbling ruins and craters. He was pale and tense, and Eira couldn't help but wonder why. Turbulence when entering a planet's atmosphere was hardly something capable of fazing him.

As she pondered what had him in such a state, Grunt interrupted.

"Can't this piece of trash move any faster?" he grumbled under his breath.

Eira tried pushing her concerns for Shepard aside and smiled, Grunt's eagerness to see his homeworld enough to coax a genuine grin from her. As tough as the krogan appeared, he was lost and eager for answers – something she could appreciate.

"Did Okeer tell you about Tuchunka, Grunt?"

The krogan grumbled, "He'd speak to me, through the tank. He spoke of my ancestors and their victories. I long to see the land they came from for myself, to see if Tuchunka is as fierce as his stories claimed."

"It is the krogan homeworld," she said with a small laugh, "I'd think the land would be as tough as its people."

~~~~~

Tuchunka was unlike anything Eira had ever seen. Utterly devoid of plant life, it was all rock and debris as far as the eye could see. Dry wind kicked up dust, blocking out the sun at times.

As Grunt spoke to some of the krogans who had come out to meet them, Eira stayed back. She walked to the edge of the landing pad, peering out across the wasteland. In the distance she could see vast ruins jutting out of the mountain of trash that littered the land. As she wondered what had happened to the planet, Shepard's voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"Nuclear war," he said simply as he moved to stand next to her.

Eira looked at him and saw unsurprisingly that his gaze was fixed elsewhere.

The distance between them and the tension that lingered in the gap hurt her more than she expected. After all that had happened, she knew it would be difficult. Things couldn't possibly return to the way they were, and yet…

She tried to shrug it off, to remind herself that it was foolish to care, and turned her focus back to the wasteland.

"This can't be what Okeer described to Grunt," she said sadly, "I hope we can find what he's looking for; this can't be all Tuchunka can give him."

"Tuchunka gives nothing," Shepard said quietly, "it's not a planet for the weak."

"Grunt isn't weak."

Shepard said nothing and, frustration building into a tight pain in her chest, Eira turned to him to find his gaze already upon her. His cold eyes fixed on her, the distant look he gave her coupled with the meaning behind his words hurt tremendously.

She had told herself when they'd boarded the shuttle that she'd be good. She'd bite her tongue and be what he wanted her to be – quiet, obedient, and professional. She wanted to forget what he said to her, pretend nothing had happened. But it hurt too much and he wasn't making any of it easy. Here he was, this handsome, strong man she respected and cared for more than she could put into words, looking at her as if she were nothing more than a nuisance.

"If I'm weak, why am I here?" she asked in a whisper.

"Are you questioning my orders?"

"How can I not when you have no faith in my abilities."

She wanted so desperately to understand and help him if she could. Whatever had happened, whatever had changed, she was willing to listen if he felt compelled to give her the slightest bit of insight as to what was going on in his head.

He took a step closer to her, "I'm a soldier; faith doesn't play a part in my decisions."

"Then why?" she pressed, "Why am I here if you clearly don't think I'm capable of covering your back? Why are we even speaking if you're not going to give me a straight answer?"

He was shaking now, only slightly but enough for her to tell her words had gotten under his skin.

As much as she didn't want to hurt him, she was glad she'd succeeded in getting something from him, however small.

"I don't owe you a damned thing," Shepard hissed under his breath.

Eira winced, the icy tone of his voice lashing at her like a whip.

"When did I become the enemy then?" Eira pleaded softly, "At least tell me that."

Shepard sighed and took a step back, shaking his head but otherwise silent.

"What did I do wrong?" Eira pressed, exasperated and ready to get back on the shuttle and retreat to the safety her room.

When he made no move to answer her, Eira bit back the urge to scream in frustration and took a deep breath.

"I guess it doesn't matter," Eira said finally, "nothing you say would really change anything."

Grunt called to them, abruptly cutting through the tension between them and reminding them of the task at hand.

"Best get to it then," Eira said evenly, her voice lacking enthusiasm.

Shepard said nothing as she walked away.

~~~~~

Eira kept her distance as Shepard and Grunt spoke with the clan leader, Wrex, near his shabby stone throne. She didn't want to eavesdrop as they discussed Grunt's problem and there was far too much to take in to stand idle even a moment.

She spied on the varren fighting pits and, finding them too violent for her liking, wandered further away from the throne.

The krogan were…lively. Each one she passed was shouting, cursing, or fighting.

She rounded a bend and found what looked to be a marketplace. Vendors were lined up along the walls, peddling their wares. She slipped closer, hoping for a glimpse, and saw their stalls lined with vast assortments of weapons she'd never seen and salted, dried meats that reeked fiercely. There was nothing fancy or fine; when it came to the krogan everything about them as a people was harsh and rugged.

After narrowly dodging a pair of wrestling krogan who stumbled across her path, she found herself further from the throne than she'd intended to wander.

She stood on the tips of her toes and saw only krogan.

As she searched her surroundings, hoping to catch a glimpse of N7 armor in the crowd, nothing looked even remotely familiar and she shuddered at the thought of having to apologize to Shepard for getting lost when he eventually found her.

_I just can't win…_

Eira headed back in the direction she thought she'd come from, winding her way through krogan with whispers of 'pardon' and 'excuse me'.

Just as she was starting to recognise her surroundings, one krogan lunged at another, pushing past the others and sending Eira crashing backwards against the jagged stone wall. With a grunt, the air was knocked from her and she was left gasping and hunched over amongst the chaos, trying to suck air in and recover her footing as quickly as she could. She vaguely registered the sound of krogans fighting, of fists hitting flesh, when a pair of strong hands hauled her upright and practically dragged her away from the fray.

The immediate fear that built in her from being manhandled faded as soon as she realized the figure was familiar.

Though her eyes were full of tears from the sheer shock of being suddenly without breath, she was able to catch a glimpse of black armor and an N7 emblem.

Fear was replaced with reassurance and she found herself clutching him tightly as she stumbled to keep up with the fast pace he set.

When he finally stopped, Eira was pushed back against a wall as he patted her down, searching for injuries, and spoke her name in a voice heavily laced with worry.

"Eira!" Shepard said in a rushed breath, "Eira, say something right now!"

When she said nothing, Shepard ran his hands down her arms in search of injuries.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" he hissed, moving onto her waist.

The moment his fingers made contact, Eira swatted his hands away and tried to slip out from between him and the wall.

The relief she felt upon realizing it was him who'd dragged her out of the krogan mob evaporated as his harsh words struck her. He was angry and all she wanted to do was get away.

Shepard blocked her, placing his hands on the wall on either side of her so she was pinned.

"Do you have a death wish?" He pressed, trying to meet her gaze as she tried to swerve to avoid it, "Should I send you back to the Normandy right now?"

Eira finally looked him in the eyes and vehemently shook her head, "No, I'm –

"If you can't follow orders I have no use for you," Shepard said in a cool, even tone that left no room for argument, "You stick close to me, you take down whatever enemies we cross, and you do your part to accomplish our mission. You don't wander off on a hostile, dangerous planet to go sight-seeing!"

Eira bit her lip. Unsure of what to say she opted for silence, not wanting to fuel his anger any further.

Shepard spat a curse and pushed himself back from her. There was a long, tense moment of silence between them where only the faint, far off sounds of krogan fighting could be heard. Shepard paced, running his gloved hands over his close-cropped hair as he sighed heavily.

"We haven't even gotten to the real danger of this mission yet and already you've gotten yourself into trouble…"

He shook his head slowly and Eira knew he was regretting it all – bringing her along, keeping her aboard the Normandy after Alchera…all of it.

Still she remained silent, guessing from the strange, pained look in his eyes that he wasn't ready to hear her.

"What the fuck do I have to do to keep you out of trouble?" Shepard asked, "Do I need to hold your hand?"

Eira shook her head.

"Then what?" Shepard asked, "What do I need to do to remind you this isn't a game?"

Eira swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly very dry.

She gave a small shrug, feeling defeated by the weight and truth of his words.

That she continued to disappoint him hurt tremendously.

She wracked her mind for the words he needed to hear to make it all better in his eyes but came up flat.

"I'll do better –

"Not good enough."

"Commander, I'm –

He raised his hands, "Don't say you're sorry."

Eira bit her lip and waited for him to say something more, to give her some idea as to how she could make not only this but everything right by him. When the disappointed, harsh look he was giving her failed to fade, Eira realized that the pain in her chest from having the wind knocked out of her paled compared to this.

To being seen as weak, a burden, by the man she cared for so deeply.

"Let's just get through this," Shepard said finally, his frustration painfully evident in his voice, "I'll figure out what to do with you when we're back on the Normandy. For now try to actually use some of the combat training you claim you received on Nafna and get through this without getting anyone killed."

~~~~~

The tomkah bounced along the poor excuse for a road that led to the proving grounds of the rite of passage. It was littered with debris and their journey was slow, the vehicle having to stop numerous times to swerve around craters in their path.

In the cabin, Grunt sat quietly as he contemplated the weight of what was before them as he rechecked his shotgun for what had to be the fourth time since departing. Eira sat quietly as well. She had her hands folded on her lap and was staring at the dirty floor, seemingly lost in thought. Her face was emotionless and if she noticed his gaze upon her she gave no sign of noticing or caring.

Shepard forced himself to look away from her. Dwelling on what he'd said and done wouldn't change anything. He'd made a decision after Alchera and it wasn't one he could stray from no matter how much he hated being the cause of her sadness.

It was what was best for her.

But when he'd caught a glimpse of her in the bustle of the clan's marketplace and saw the krogan knock into her in the chaos, sending her tumbling backwards…

The sick feeling in his stomach had yet to fully abate.

Despite trying to resist the urge, Shepard risked a quick glance at the pale biotic. She remained silent and stoic but somehow looking upon her again reminded him it was all right, she was safe; shaken but safe.

Still, he regretted bringing her along.

His insistence upon having her part of his ground team was born from the selfish desire to prove to himself they could be professional, that there was nothing remarkable between them. She was a member of his crew; he was her commander – nothing more.

Nothing more…

He knew then, spying at her from the corner of his eye and feeling the full weight of his guilt and her pain, that he didn't have any other choice.

She had to leave.

A shiver immediately rippled down his spine, the thought was so unsettling. He knew he didn't have it in him to hand her back to Cerberus, the people who'd lied to her and used her, and yet he was more certain now than ever that she couldn't stay. Perhaps Liara, he thought, or Anderson, could take her in. She'd be safer with either of them than aboard the Normandy and perhaps with her out of sight she'd soon be out of mind.

Yes, he thought with a defeated sigh, it was the only real option.

~~~~~

The first wave of varren was followed swiftly by a second of klixen and harvesters.

Bloodied and bruised, Eira was more determined than ever to prove to Shepard that she wasn't weak.

The vast scores of varren that had charged them claimed all of her ammo and she resorted to her biotics for the klixen, tossing any ammo she found to Grunt; who she knew needed it more.

The klixen were ferocious, darting towards them with a disturbing eagerness as they spewed fire from their twisted maws. Realizing early on that staying out of range of their blasts was key, Eira raised a biotic barrier around herself and focused on keeping them at bay. She used her biotics to attack the klixen's nervous systems, delaying their healing and crippling their armor enough for Grunt to go in for the kill.

As Grunt shouted curses and taunted Tuchunka to send him more to kill, Eira searched the battlefield for Shepard. She spotted him not far behind her. He'd just taken out one of the klixen to be immediately set upon by another, which made to spew fire at him only to be silenced by a blast of Shepard's shotgun to the head.

He turned toward her as he reloaded and seemed surprised to find her gaze already fixed upon him.

They hardly had time to catch their breath though. Grunt struck the keystone and the eerie quiet of the proving grounds was interrupted by an ominous rumble that resounded from somewhere deep beneath their feet.

As the tremors grew more intense, Shepard ran to Eira and Grunt. He checked his stock of ammo as he scanned their surroundings.

"Ammo?" Shepard asked as he raised his gun.

Grunt growled, "Enough."

"Eira?"

She shook her head, "Out."

He made to hand her some of his own but she shook her head and pushed away his offering.

"You and Grunt need it more than me," she explained, "keep it."

Shepard made to argue, but Eira was unwavering.

"I have my biotics to back me up. Last time I checked you and Grunt don't – keep your ammo."

She wasn't sure if he agreed or believed her, but he stopped pressing the issue to focus on the coming, unknown threat.

There was one final, fleeting moment of silence before a massive tremor rocked the proving grounds and a plume of dust and debris was shot into the air. Caught off guard, Eira stumbled backwards a step, only to be caught by Shepard. He righted her and urged her behind him in the same motion. He quickly swapped his shotgun for his rifle as the dust dissipated and the creature was revealed.

Massive and nightmarish, Eira had never seen anything like it. Serpent like and taller than anything in a hundred mile radius, the creature seemed to touch the sky.

Eira's eyes went wide and she stammered as she raised her shields, asking Shepard what it was that stood before them.

When he didn't answer, Eira turned to him only to find him wide eyed; seemingly as shocked as she was. He'd lowered his rifle slightly and seemed frozen in place.

The far-off look in his eyes was strikingly familiar.

Alchera.

He looked just as lost in his own mind, just as tormented, as he had when she'd found him on Alchera.

_No….no, no, no…_

Eira grabbed his elbow, jarring him from his stupor just as the creature let out a bellowing cry.

"Thresher maw!" Grunt shouted, "Scatter and fire!"

It wasn't an order Eira needed to hear twice.

As Grunt took off in the opposite direction, Eira turned and pushed Shepard, urging him to move. Chaos erupted as they made for cover. The maw gave a shrill cry and Eira heard one of the proving ground's massive pillars explode as the beast spat a strange liquid. It was only when the dust settled that she heard the liquid sizzling on the ground and realized it was some sort of acid.

From behind the sad excuse for cover they'd found, Shepard fired. Eira made to attack the creature's nervous system with her biotics as she had with the klixen, only to have Shepard grab her by the arm and practically whip her upwards and out of the way just as the maw's acid destroyed their cover.

As Grunt pelted the maw with concussive rounds, Eira pulled up her shields and sent pulses of biotic energy streaming through the air toward the creature, distracting it enough for Grunt to get in a few good shots. Shepard chose his shots carefully, hitting with a precision Eira would have admired if her life wasn't in immediate danger.

The maw twisted in pain before withdrawing back into the earth.

She could hear the beast move beneath the earth and they only had a split second to breathe before it re-emerged, far fiercer than before.

It felt as though an eternity had passed. They dodged the maw's attacks and crumbling pillars, firing off a few good shots before they had to dive for cover once again. After one particularly good hit, Eira rolled behind the remains of a pillar and gasped for breath.

She was beyond exhausted.

Her head pounding and her limbs weak, she knew she was running out of energy and that her biotics would soon be worthless. Already she'd forgone her shields, focusing what remained of her energy on the offensive.

But still the thresher maw lived.

"Eira!"

She shook off the fog that threatened to envelop her and searched out the source of the cry, only to see Shepard had taken cover not too far from her. He was looking at her, gesturing for her to come to him. She had a fleeting thought that he looked scared but brushed it off.

He was bleeding from a cut to his brow and his lip was split, blood mingled with dust and grime smeared down his neck.

Before she could move, the maw lashed out again. She managed to roll out of the way just as the maw's acid destroyed the pillar she was hiding behind. When she righted herself and looked up, she saw Shepard standing to face the thresher maw, his rifle raised.

But he was not firing.

Eira screamed his name.

What the hell is he doing?

The maw had retreated for the moment but Eira knew it wouldn't be gone for long. Again she called out to Shepard and again he gave no sign he'd heard her.

"Shepard, please!" Eira yelled; her terrified voice drowned out by the deafening rumbles the maw was causing, "Run!"

The thresher maw burst forth from the earth and immediately settled its sight on Shepard.

Though chaos played out around her, Eira's world fell silent and a foreboding sense of finality settled over the proving grounds. She could only hear her own heartbeat, could only see him standing vulnerable before her.

_No…not him, please, no…_

Before she could second guess herself, Eira forced herself up from the ground and sprinted toward him.


	22. Tuchunka, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Eira on the brink of death, the race to the keep her alive begins...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part two, dear readers! This is a big one for me, since it is one of the first scenes I came up with when I was writing out the storyline for this fic! I am truly thankful to everyone who has given this story a read, left a review or critique, or added it to their favourites – it's all help spur me onward! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

Eira thought she knew what pain was.

When she was eleven, she'd broken her arm badly while training. The bone had pushed through the skin and she had screamed and sobbed until a tech injected her with something and her entire body had gone numb.

But when the thresher maw's acid struck her, splattering across her back and grazing the tender flesh of her neck and cheek, Eira knew she had been wrong.

She'd never imagined pain the likes of what was ripping through her body was possible.

And she found herself praying for the tech with the syringe would step onto the battlefield and make it all go away.

But he didn't appear and it didn't go away.

There was only the dry Tuchunka dirt under her fingers, the far-off cry of the Thresher Maw as it retreated into the earth, and the sickening scent of her burning flesh overloading her senses with each sharp, shallow breath she managed to draw in.

Spread out on the ground on her stomach, Eira's body twitched of its own accord, each tiny movement reigniting the agony that engulfed her. It was as if she'd been hit by the rays of the sun itself. The burning, searing pain blanketed her; its weight enough to keep her pressed to the ground.

She wanted out of her body, away from the pain.

Digging her fingers into the earth, Eira screamed until her throat was raw.

A dozen feet from where Eira lay, Shepard groaned as he heaved himself upward, confused as to what had happened until the heart-stopping sound of her screams tore through the proving grounds and overpowered the ringing in his head.

His heart stilled as the reality of her actions sunk in.

_She…she took the fucking hit…_

Shepard screamed her name as he threw down his rifle and scrambled to get to her.

_No…please, Gods, no…not her…_

He was nearly at her side when gunfire forced him back and he dove for cover.

"What the fu –

"Uvenk!" Grunt shouted from behind a fallen pillar as he cocked his shotgun, "Coward brought his krantt!"

Shepard's gaze shot back to Eira, whose screams had turned into pained whimpers.

She was completely vulnerable.

And he couldn't leave her like that.

"Cover me!" Shepard yelled, trusting Grunt to have his back as he emerged from cover long enough to grab Eira by her wrist and drag her behind the rubble with him.

The sudden movement tore a strangled sob from the wounded biotic that made him hate himself even more.

"Hang on, Eira," he hissed, "hang in there."

Once he was sure she was safely shielded from gunfire, Shepard pressed his hand to her forehead, brushing her hair from her face. She was pale and motionless, but a weak fluttering of her eyes told him she was still alive.

"Don't you dare fucking die," he pleaded, spinning on his heels and opening fire on the approaching krantt.

Uvenk raised his shotgun and laughed as he fired a shot that hit spot Eira had been in not a moment earlier.

The raging krogan ranted and raved as he progressed closer and closer to where Grunt and Shepard were hunkered down.

A well timed shot from Grunt took down one charging krogan, knocking him on his ass. Shepard fired off a shot that took the legs out from under another, then retreated back behind the debris and reached for his communicator.

"Shepard to Normandy, Shepard to Normandy," he yelled as a hail of bullets began raining down on them, "Request immediate evac, repeat, request immediate extraction – Eira's down!"

He picked up his rifle and squeezed of a shot, taking out another of Uvenk's goons.

"Joker, get your crippled ass down here right now!" Shepard screamed into the communicator when no one gave any reply, "Eira's dying!"

He vaguely registered Joker's panicked response. He was too wrapped up in his own words as they echoed in his mind.

Eira really was dying.

It suddenly felt as though unseen hands were squeezing tightly around his neck. The thought of losing her…

Pissed off and afraid, Shepard picked off the approaching krogan, screaming as he fired each shot. Grunt gave a mighty growl and charged forward; taking advantage of the path Shepard had cleared, and tackled Uvenk to the ground.

The sound of Grunt's killing shot was drowned out by the shuttle's approach. Shepard gave a heavy sigh of relief and made for Eira as the shuttle circled above, cautiously descending to the clearing nearby.

Kneeling at Eira's side, the only sign of life came from the violent trembling of her hands. He knew that regardless of how he picked her up she was going to be in pain. So, bracing himself for her cries, he hoisted her limp body up and over his shoulder. Eira gave a long whine but otherwise gave no protest to being manhandled.

Being so close to her, the scent of her charred flesh was nearly overpowering and he had to take a steadying breath to quell the sudden urge to vomit.

"I've got you, Eira, hang in just a little longer, please."

\-----------------------------------------------

Grunt had yelled for him to go on without him, opting to stay with the shaman and Wrex's men for the time being. Shepard hardly heard him though. The moment he had her on the shuttle he shouted for Joker to get them back to the ship. The startled helmsman nodded and hurried to get them off planet.

Shepard laid Eira down as gently as he could but his heart immediately plummeted when he realized she wasn't moving at all. Disregarding her injuries, he rolled her over onto her back and brushed the hair from her face. Her eyes were closed and her lips had a blue tint to them.

"No…no, no, no," Shepard slapped her cheek, "Wake up!"

"Commander?" Joker spoke up from the front of the shuttle.

"She's not breathing!" Shepard said in a voice laced with desperation, "Joker, you get us there now!"

He began frantically tearing off the tattered remains of Eira's armor as he straddled her hips. Once he got to the thin layer of under armor, he began compressions.

Each time he pressed down he pleaded with her; begging her to come back.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, forcing his breath into her before redoubling his efforts with the compressions.

"Wake up!"

One of Eira's ribs cracked.

"Eira!"

Another snapped.

"Please!"

Eira convulsed under him as she coughed, her eyes fluttering open. Once awareness returned to her, her eyes opened wide and she arched her back as she sobbed.

He eased himself off of her but stayed close so she could still see him and know she wasn't alone.

Fighting back tears, Shepard comforted her as best he could.

He hushed her, running a gentle hand across her cheek as she pawed at him. It was then he noticed that some of the maw's acid had struck her neck and cheek as well, leaving angry red burns. Small circular burns marred the left side of her face almost like freckles. Her neck was dark red and already pustules were forming. Dead skin had begun sloughing off, leaving the entire area raw.

"Eira…" He whispered, awestruck by the damage he was seeing.

Her eyes started to close.

"Stay awake!" He exclaimed in a gasp, "Look at me; keep your eyes on me!"

Her body twitched and trembled as shock wracked her body.

"Please, Eira!"

Her eyes closed.

\---------------------------------------------------

Shepard stood completely still outside of the med bay completely lost in thought. A few members of the crew had tried to get him to rest or at least change from his armor but he ignored all of them.

He wasn't going anywhere until he knew Eira was going to make it.

Chakwas had met them in the loading bay and immediately rushed Eira to the med bay while Joker plotted course to the Citadel.

It was bad.

That was all Chakwas had said as they'd rushed her through the Normandy.

He began pacing; oblivious to the concerned glanced from his team.

Garrus had been first to arrive and the others had followed it quick succession as news spread. Kasumi sat quietly on the mess hall counter, while Gabby and Kenneth sat somber at a nearby table. Even Grunt, who had returned with the primary shuttle, was silent. Miranda had made an appearance but hadn't lingered, retreating to her office when the tension became too much.

Garrus had tried to speak to Shepard but nothing he said garnered a response from the commander. So he kept to the sidelines, watching Shepard pace like a caged animal in front of the med bay doors and waited.

After what felt like an eternity, the med bay doors opened and a flustered looking Chakwas beckoned Shepard inside.

Shepard bolted past the doctor without saying a word but stopped in his tracks the moment he registered the sight before him.

Eira lay strapped to a gurney on her stomach, naked from the waist up. She was struggling weakly against her restraints, sobbing as she bucked and writhed on the cot. She'd been hooked up to an oxygen mask and had a dozen or so IVs in her arms.

A terrified looking attendant was standing nearby, clearly overwhelmed as she scanned the monitors Eira was hooked up to.

"We have to flush her wounds," Chakwas said as she moved to Eira, tugging a fresh pair of gloves on, "I need you to keep her calm; she'll not have a chance if we don't clean this mess!"

Shepard nodded mutely and approached Eira. He saw for the first time the full extent of the damage inflicted upon her and his blood ran cold. The burn dominated the left side of her back from her neck to the curve of her waist. Her skin was twisted and covered in welts, making it a far nastier sight than the damage to her neck. It was clear this was where the maw's acid had struck her.

"Without her armor it'd have been much worse," Chakwas said as she readied her needles, "if she struggles too much I need you to help hold her down, Commander. It's vital we get her wounds cleaned."

He swallowed hard, "Understood."

The moment the liquid from the syringe hit her raw skin; Eira let out a pained wail and bucked against her restraints.

Shepard grabbed her hand and squeezed.

"Eira…"

She began sobbing.

"I'm here, Eira," Shepard said weakly, unsure of what he could possibly say to bring her any comfort.

After a violent fit when Chakwas tended to a particularly nasty spot on Eira's hip, the biotic went limp and merely twitched and groaned as the doctor worked. Shepard knew she was still feeling the pain despite the medication Chakwas had pumped her full of; she'd merely run out of energy to fight.

Chakwas worked methodically, taking great pains to ensure she didn't miss a single grain of sand or debris. A thin remnant of Eira's armor had fused into her skin across her shoulder and took increasing Eira's medication and a tremendous amount of cutting and prying on Chakwas's part to free it from her flesh.

Though Eira had stopped struggling, Shepard stayed. He allowed her to squeeze his hand and tenderly toying with her hair with his free hand as he watched her face.

Chakwas finished over an hour later, applying the last of the bandages and giving Eira more antibiotics through her IV.

"You did it," he said warmly, "you did so well, Eira."

He let go of her hand long enough to adjust the blanket so that it covered her a bit better.

"It's all right," Shepard soothed, "you can rest now."

"You might take your own advice, Commander," Chakwas said as the exhausted biotic finally drifted off, "She's stabilized; right now all she can do is sleep until we reach the Citadel."

Shepard dismissed the idea without hesitation.

"I'll stay here, thanks."

Chakwas sighed, "You haven't even changed from your hardsuit, Commander. Please get some rest; Eira wouldn't want you doing this to yourself."

He shook his head.

"Commander –

"She pushed me out of the way," he blurted, his gaze not leaving Eira, "I froze and she pushed me out of the way…"

Startled by his abrupt confession, Chakwas said nothing at first. She knew Eira was fond of him of course, anyone with eyes could see that. But to take such a risk and endure such pain…that went beyond mere fondness. She didn't think it wise to bring that to his attention at the moment, not when he was so distraught.

"Commander –

"She can't die," Shepard muttered under his breath, shaking his head, "Doc, she can't…"

"Hush," Chakwas touched his shoulder, "Eira is alive, Commander. We'll soon have her at the Citadel. The doctors there will be able to do what I can't here."

When Shepard said nothing, Chakwas sent a crewmember who had been loitering in the mess hall to the commander's cabin to fetch a fresh change of clothes for him.

As she waited for the boy to return, she turned to Shepard and began removing his armor a piece at a time as she checked him for injuries. Shepard protested but a stern look from the doctor was all it took to get him to comply.

She was cleaning a wound she'd found on his shoulder when the crewmember returned, depositing the clothes on the counter before scurrying from the med bay.

When she was sure she hadn't missed anything, she dampened a cloth from the sink and began cleaning the dirt and blood from Shepard's face.

"You've made quite the mess of yourself, Commander," She chided as she wrung out the cloth and began applying an ointment the superficial cuts on his face and his split lip.

He shrugged and gazed past her to where Eira lay sleeping.

"It'd be a lot worse if not for her…"

"You said you froze," Chakwas said, hesitating only briefly before the words left her, "What made you freeze?"

Shepard took a deep, shaky breath.

"Akuze."

Curious, Chakwas's brow arched and she searched his face for understanding.

"The maw," Shepard said quietly, shame thick in his voice, "I saw it and I wasn't on Tuchunka anymore…"

"You nearly died on Akuze," Chakwas said, "it's understandable that seeing a thresher maw again brought back painful memories."

Shepard shook his head. He wanted to sob, to cry out and scream until the nightmare he was in ended.

He pointed to Eira, "I should be there, not her!"

"She made the choice to take that hit, Commander," she said gently, "perhaps you need to ask yourself why she made that choice?"

\----------------------------------------------

Shepard watched her as she slept.

The med bay was quite save Eira's slow, shallow breaths and the rhythmic beeping of the monitors she was hooked up to. The lights had been dimmed in an effort to help Eira get what sleep she could, but even with drugs the pain tormented her.

When her brow furrowed and her body tensed, he knew it was bad and he'd hold her hand or toy with a strand of her hair, twirling it between his fingers until she relaxed.

He was playing with her hair when her eyes opened.

Shepard smiled, "Hi."

Eira tried batting the oxygen mask from her mouth but failed miserably.

He hesitated, not really wanting to deprive her of it, but helped her move it aside after a second failed attempt.

She licked her lips and tried speaking, but managed only a wheeze.

"Hey, it's all right," he said, seeing her frustration, "you don't have to say anything."

Eira swallowed hard but said nothing, her far-off gaze fixed on him.

Leaving her hair alone, he squeezed her hand.

"We're nearly at the Citadel," he said quietly, "Chakwas sent word ahead; doctors are going to meet us the second we dock."

Eira hummed.

"You're going to be all right," he said, more to himself than her, "they're going to help you get better…"

She weakly squeezed his hand and sighed.

"A-Are…you…all right?" She said in a weak, whisper of a voice.

Utterly astonished by question, Shepard stammered over his words. She'd been burned by thresher maw acid…and she was asking him if he was okay.

Her question made him hate himself even more.

He didn't deserve to be pushed out of the maw's path.

And he certainly didn't deserve her.

"I…I'm fine," he said solemnly, "only because of you…"

"I…couldn't l-let it get you," she said, struggling to keep her eyes open, "I c-couldn't…"

"Eira –

"W-What's wrong…with m-me?" she breathed, her lip quivering, "I'm not a child…"

He felt open and exposed under her gaze and his previous insistence at pushing her away was far from his mind. The fear remained though, rendering him silent.

He just wanted to hold her and cry and it pissed him off.

Eira sighed, "You're an idiot."

"Can't argue with you there," he said a heavy sigh.

Eira slowly closed her eyes, "M-My big, brave, beautiful idiot…"

Shepard smirked, "Eira, I…"

She took a deep breath and relaxed into the cot and he realized she'd dozed off.

He placed the oxygen mask back over her mouth and returned to toying with her hair as he mulled over what she'd said.

Exhaustion, pain, and potent pain killers all combined to leave her delirious. That he knew. Still, the weight of her words was real.

He really was an idiot.

\------------------------------------------

The doctors met them at the dock just as Chakwas said they would.

Eira was still sleeping as they prepped her for transport and Shepard stayed close the entire time. When it came time to pass her off into their care, he found himself clutching the rail of the gurney, not wanting her to be from his sight.

"She's going to be in good hands, Commander," Chakwas said gently, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"You trust them?" He whispered, not taking his eyes from Eira.

"Yes," she said without hesitation, "they'll be feeding us updates on her condition. You're not going to be completely in the dark."

"But I won't be here," he countered, "with her…"

"No…"

Shepard nodded. There was nothing he could do to change that. He couldn't remain idle on the Citadel while Eira underwent treatment, not with the threat of the Reapers looming over them.

But that didn't make the prospect of leaving her any easier.

_If she dies…_

His throat tightened as tears threatened to fall.

_No._

He forced himself to let go of the gurney and ran his fingers through her hair.

_I'm going to see her again…I'm going to make this right…somehow…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect to see a huge change in Eira in the chapters to come, dear readers! Things might end of a little hopeful here but that doesn't mean I'm going to make it easy for any of them! Thanks so much for your patience! Let me know your thoughts in the comments - positive or negative I love to hear what you all think!


	23. The Quiet In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Eira on the Citadel and her fate unknown, Shepard finds the Normandy incredibly quiet...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I'm so sorry this update took as long as it did! Since last updating I got promoted at work and I moved - so things have been pretty chaotic. I rewrote this a time or two as well, but I'm pretty happy with the end result here :) Thanks for hanging in there, guys!

It was late when Shepard wandered out of his cabin and took the lift down to the engineering deck. He wasn't sure what he was doing, but his mind was elsewhere and his feet carried him off of their own accord.

The lift seemed to move slower than ever and he gave a heavy sigh, slumping against the wall as he struggled to stay upright.

He hadn't slept in the four days since Tuchunka. Each time he tried he awoke to a nightmare so horribly vivid he felt like he was reliving it all over again.

Her screams, the scent of her flesh burning…

He'd awakened from a restless sleep, rolled over in bed, and hurled all over the floor more than once since then.

Real rest never came.

So he just stopped trying.

Whiskey and adrenaline kept him vertical. He jumped from one mission to the other, recruiting Tali and helping Jacob, followed in quick succession by trips to the Strabo and Xe Cha systems. But when the rush of combat wore off there was only the whiskey, and even it had its limits.

The lift doors hissed open and he staggered down the corridor towards her room. He hesitated outside her door, remembering the last time he'd found himself there.

It was just after he'd lost it on her, right after Alchera.

He leaned against the doorframe and cursed under his breath.

Even now he could hear the heart-wrenching sound of her sobs through the metal.

Shepard pressed his forehead to the metal of the door and gritted his teeth as he tried to will the memory of that sound away.

_Eira…_

Her life had been upended and yet all she'd wanted to do was help, all she'd ever been was kind. She'd taken a risk with Alchera, endangered herself to make sure he made it back in one piece, and for what? To be screamed at by a madman too proud to let anyone know how fucked up he was? To be pushed away when all she offered was friendship?

Friendship.

He knew it wasn't really that simple.

It had never been with her.

Shepard gave a heavy sigh.

One thing he'd said to her after Alchera was true – he wasn't blind. He knew the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn't looking, knew why she tried so hard to help after Horizon…

And what had he said?

_"For fuck's sake you're a damn kid!"_

He'd never been good to her and knowing she clung to life somewhere on the Citadel and he might never have the chance to make it right was damn near sickening.

A sharp, pinching pain exploded in his chest and his throat tightened as something akin to panic struck him.

He knew how he'd felt that day they spent together on the Citadel, when they'd had lunch and she'd pestered him with questions. He knew why he kept looking for the meals she brought him after Horizon, why he choked them down despite her questionable cooking skills…and why, when she'd appeared in the blizzard on Alchera, he'd been so damned relieved to see her…

The pain intensified and it felt as though unseen hands were tightening their hold on his neck. He opened the door to her room and, before he could second guess himself, crossed the cramped space to sit on her bed. Surrounded by what few possessions she had, the feeling slowly abated until it was gone entirely.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he heard a timid knock on the door.

Surprised, he wasn't sure whether to just keep quiet or order whoever it was who was to leave and keep their mouth shut. There really was no way to justify his being in Eira's room. Even as the Normandy's commanding officer there really was no believable lie he could spew to get out of the situation gracefully.

As he was scrambling to figure out what to do, a familiar voice broke the silence.

"Shepard?"

Shepard sighed.

"I'm fine, Tali, just leave me be."

The quarian had been a welcomed sight on Haestrom and having her back on the Normandy was a relief. She was a part of his old life and one of the few that fit comfortably into his new one.

Tali had changed since then, grown. The Tali who'd sequestered herself on the engineering deck of the SR-1 was not the same one who'd charged into danger on Haestrom and taken on a squadron of geth as though it were nothing.

He'd missed a lot in those two years…

There was a pause and he wondered if she'd done as he said, only for a slight shuffle at the door to prove him wrong. She said nothing, merely opened the door and looked around the small room. Her gaze settled upon him and he could tell, despite her helmet obscuring her features, that she was concerned.

He groaned and sat back further on the bed, leaning against the wall. He didn't want an interrogation; he wanted solitude and the silence that came with it. She was far away and being surrounded by her things was the closest he could be to her at the moment. It wasn't much, but he was prepared to take it.

At first Tali said nothing, seemingly waiting for him to speak first, but when the silence dragged on she took the leap.

"What are you doing here, Shepard?"

He gave a heavy sigh, "Trying to be alone, Tali."

She was quiet, but seemed unfazed by the venom in his voice. Instead she just looked at him, tilting her head to the side ever so slightly as she regarded him curiously.

"I am not an expert in human behavior," she admitted in a gentle tone, "but even I can tell you are…upset."

He shrugged but said nothing, choosing instead to gaze out the small window near the head of the bed.

"Garrus told me what happened…on Horizon…"

Shepard winced, a shiver running down his spine.

"Ashley –

"Please don't," Shepard snapped, cutting her off with a dismissive wave of the hand, "I really…I really don't want to talk about her…"

It hurt to think back to Horizon, to remember the sting of her words, but now that Tali had brought her up he realized he hadn't thought about Ash in some time.

"Have you spoken to her since then?"

Shepard just shook his head.

Tali sighed, "Always was stubborn…"

That was an understatement.

Passionate and unyielding, Ash gave everything she did one-hundred percent. She was fiery and fierce, a tempest on the battlefield and off.

It was what drew him to her, what made her worth breaking all the rules – both the Alliance's and his own.

But that fire between them, the one kindled that night before Ilos, had died out.

It had probably died off a long time ago, if he was honest.

His being dead for two years just made him the last one to find out.

"Shepard?"

He glanced at Tali, "Hmm?"

"Garrus also told me what happened on Tuchunka," she confessed, "about what Eira did."

Shepard snorted, "You two have been talking a lot, haven't you?"

Tali sat down on one of the crates staked in the corner of the room, hugging her bowed legs to her chest. She took a moment to gather her thoughts and choose her words carefully, knowing that if Garrus was right their commander was hiding a lot of hurt.

The last thing she wanted to do was cause him more by misspeaking.

"He's worried about you," she said sadly, "and so am I."

Shepard's response was instant.

"Well don't be."

Tali gave an uneasy laugh, "Easier said than done."

He clenched his teeth, frustration simmering just on the surface of his composure, but said nothing.

So Tali spoke, taking a firmer stance to get the stubborn man to speak more than a few stern words to dismiss her.

"She saved you on Tuchunka, didn't she?"

He hesitated, but reluctantly nodded.

"What happened?"

He glared at her, brow furrowed.

"Didn't Garrus tell you?" he spat angrily.

"He told me a human girl saved you, pushed you out of the way of a maw's attack," she said, unwavering in the face of his anger, "what he didn't tell me was why she had to."

Shepard began trembling.

"What happened on Tuchunka, Shepard?" Tali pressed gently, her concern for her friend evident in her voice.

He clasped his hands over his face and cursed himself inwardly for the trembling he couldn't stop.

"Shepard?"

He took a deep breath as he lowered his hands.

"I froze," he admitted in quiet voice, "I fucking froze. Is that what you want to hear? That maw's hit was mine to take and she hit me out of the way!"

The tight feeling in his chest returned and he had to fight the urge to scream. He couldn't bring himself to look at Tali, instead keeping his gaze focused out the small window. His mind went back to that moment when she struck him and he tumbled out of the way. Silence had filled the air for a brief second only to be broken by the sounds of her screams.

And now, sitting in her modest room, her screams echoed in his mind.

"S-She saved me," he muttered in a voice wrought with pain, "I treated her like shit and she saved me…"

Tali just watched him for some time, allowing the silence to remain between them as she observed her friend. He was still shaking, though she wasn't sure he was even aware of it. Whatever sleep he'd had since she'd joined the SR-2, Tali was certain wasn't restful. Dark circles marked his eyes and he looked pale and worn, nothing like the heroic and unflinching Spectre she had known on the SR-1.

Her heart ached for her friend.

"If she dies…"

Tali only barely caught what he said, it was so softly spoken.

"Shepard –

He suddenly smacked his fist violently against the wall; a growl of a scream caught in his throat as he clenched his teeth and struck the wall again and again.

"Why the fuck did she do that?" he hissed, "why? After everything I said, everything I did…"

His breath caught in his throat and the tension left his body and he slumped against the wall, exhausted and defeated.

He was too tired to be angry.

All he wanted was to be left alone in her room, preferably with a flask of whiskey to balm his wounds.

"You don't know," he muttered as he gazed out at the stars, "I was horrible to her, Tali. She should have let me take the hit; I deserved it. It was mine to take – mine – and she…she…"

Tali, overwhelmed by the weight of his painful words, gave a heavy sigh.

"Love makes people do stupid things," she said evenly, "it crosses species well enough…"

Shepard's gaze snapped to the quarian, eyes wide.

For once, Tali was grateful for her mask. She knew he wouldn't have been happy had he seen her smile.

Shepard composed himself, his scowl more profound than before.

"Whatever Garrus has told you –

Tali raised her hand to bid him stop and had to bite the inside of her cheek to stifle a light chuckle, "Garrus didn't tell me anything. I just think that the only reason a young woman would risk her life like that for someone would be love."

\-----------------------------------------

Alone again in Eira's room, Shepard didn't know what to do or think. Horrific images of Tuchunka had been torn from his mind by the weight of Tali's words.

Love?

He knew whatever there was between himself and Eira was complicated, but he never put a word to it. Naming it would make it real, solidified, and that couldn't happen.

Or that's what he'd told himself time and time again.

But now, surrounded by her few possessions in her tiny room, it was hard for him to justify it. She was gone, clinging to life alone in a hospital room far away. For all he knew she could have succumbed to her wounds days ago.

As quickly as that thought entered his mind, he banished it.

She was alive.

She had to be.

\------------------------------------------------

_He awoke with a start to the feeling of something light fluttering across his chest. He tried to sit up, only for the fluttering to press against the center of his chest urging him to lie back down._

_"Where do you think you're going?"_

_Confused, he found the source of the voice stretched out on the bed beside him._

_Her hand resting lightly on his chest, Eira smiled up at him. Her hair unbound and wearing nothing but a crisp white nightgown, she was a vision._

_She laughed, "What's wrong?"_

_Shocked to silence, he merely reached out and touched her cheek. When last he saw her, the maw's acid had left splatter burns on the tender flesh of her neck and cheek. Now she lay before him without blemish._

_He realized then he was dreaming, but he didn't fight it or complain. Instead he stretched out next to her._

_"You look sad," she said softly, inching closer to him as he settled next to her._

_He shook his head and tentatively reached out to twirl a lock of her hair around his finger._

_"I'm happy…"_

_"And yet you sound so sad," she whispered, her concern evident in her red-tinted eyes._

_His lips twitched, a brief smile gracing them as he trailed his fingers across her jawline, settling on her chin. His dreams until now had been horrible, mere retellings of the most miserable moments in his life. Luca, Akuze, Virmire, Horizon, Tuchunka…he relived them all when he closed his eyes._

_Selfishly, he wished more of his dreams were like this._

_He hesitated only briefly before grazing his thumb slowly across her bottom lip, drawing a smile from her._

_"I miss you," he muttered, more to himself than her._

_Eira pouted. She wrapped her pale fingers around his wrist and placed a slow, tender kiss on the pad of his thumb._

_He watched her in awe._

_"I'm right here," she whispered, pausing between each word to kiss another of his fingers._

_Dream or not, the shiver that rippled through his body was real._

_She shot him a quick glance and kissed the inside of his wrist._

_Shepard gave a shaky sigh and, before he could second guess himself, swiftly pulled her flush against his body._

_She didn't seem surprised and offered no resistance, merely curling against him and sighing as he hugged her close._

_"I wish this was real," he muttered sadly into her hair, savoring the warmth of her while it lasted._

_This dream was too good, too safe, to last. He was certain EDI would wake him soon. Whether it was a message from the Illusive Man or an update from a Cerberus agent, something would pull him away._

_Eira slipped back from him just enough to look up and meet his gaze._

_"Can't it be?"_

_Her question caught him off guard and he stammered for something to say, eventually saying nothing at all. Instead, he ran his hand up and down her back slowly before settling on the curve of her waist as he considered her question._

_He noticed the pout upon her lips and avoided meeting her gaze, lest he be sucked in._

_"Shepard?"_

_She buried her face in his chest, clutching onto him as if she feared he would disappear entirely._

_"Why are you always trying to leave?" she asked sadly, her breath warm against his chest._

_"I…"_

_He heard her sniffle and he winced._

_"You miss me, don't you?" she pressed, sorrow heavy in her voice, "When I'm gone you miss me?"_

_"I…yes."_

_"But you keep leaving me…"_

_"I thought it would be easier," he admitted, his voice strained._

_Eira wiggled free of him and propped herself up on her elbows. When he tried to look away from her, she reached across him so her chest was against his and rested her arms on either side of his head. Her breasts pressed firmly against him and her face mere inches from his, he felt surrounded by her. Her gaze was tender and when she ran her fingers across his cheek he felt as though he might cry._

_"Is it?" she asked gently, "Is it easier?"_

_"No…"_

_He reached up and brushed her hair back over her shoulders before cupping her face with his strong hands._

_"What did I do to deserve you?"_

_She smiled and gave a light laugh, but he could tell she thought he was joking._

_The dream induced bliss that had fallen over him dissipated and a profound sadness washed over him. Even in a dream, he knew he shouldn't be surprised. He hadn't given her any reason to trust in the sincerity of his words._

_He pushed Eira off of him, ignoring her startled protests and sat at the foot of the bed with his head in his hands. He cursed under his breath and prayed to wake up._

_And yet he didn't._

_Near tears, he made to scream, only to be silenced by pale arms embracing him from behind. He shivered as her arms settled on his shoulders and the warmth of her breath tickled his neck._

_"Shepard –_

_"I'm sorry," he exclaimed in a shaky breath, no longer able to restrain himself, "I'm so sorry, Eira. I –_

_"Hush," she said softly, her lips pressed to his ear, "you idiot, hush."_

_Her hands ran over his chest and he took a steadying breath, relaxing as her embrace tightened._

_"I'm right here," she said as she gently shook him, "I'm here and you're here and nothing is over."_


	24. Huerta Memorial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long awaited reunion...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is actually from the 28th but I forgot to post it here on AO3 :P 
> 
> P.S. I am working on the next chapter right now and hoping to have it up within the next week or so :) Thanks for your patience!

By the time he'd finished his second read-through of the medical reports the data pad felt heavy in his hands.

When Chakwas had presented him with the reports and the news that Eira was ready to be discharged, he'd struggled to maintain his composure and contain his relief. But the reports had grounded him, reminding him in explicit detail that Tuchunka had left a permanent mark on her.

_[…] the subject was admitted at 21:00 hrs on 05.21.2185 with serious, life-threatening injuries. The acidic burns caused by a Thresher Maw attack have severely damaged the subject's flesh despite armor having been worn at the time of attack. Pre-operative examination confirmed that over fifty percent of the subject's back was burned in the attack, with numerous smaller burns over the left side of her neck and face […] it is projected that the subject will not survive the surgery needed to repair the damage caused by the acid […]_

Gaze fixed upon the words on the screen, he saw her get hit again and again by the maw's acid in his mind. The memory of the scent of burning flesh resurfaced, hitting him hard and making him gag.

_[…] An alarmingly rapid pulse and a low body temperature were first noted at eighteen-hundred hours. Eight hrs after the first symptoms were observed, the patient reported experiencing chills. Less than an hour after that, nurses reported that the patient's alertness had diminished and she was unable to clearly communicate. Blood tests indicate a severe infection, most likely originating from the more severe wounds on her back, that have left the subject with dangerously low blood pressure. Diagnosis is sepsis…_

Sepsis.

She had been lying alone in a hospital bed, feverish and riddled with infection…

And where had he been then?

Aeia? Haestrom?

_Dr. Lesley has ordered a broader range of antibiotics be administered, along with intravenous fluids to maintain the blood pressure of the subject. She has also been moved to a clean-room to minimize her contact with new bacteria in her compromised state. Current concerns for the patient are the failure of one or more organs […]_

In the end it didn't matter. She saved him and he allowed her to fight for her life surrounded by strangers.

A tight, pinching pain stabbed him in his chest and he swore under his breath, chucking the data pad at the wall. When it clattered to the ground, seemingly unharmed, he snatched an empty whiskey bottle from the floor and chucked it at the wall. It shattered and he screamed as he threw bottle after bottle. When he ran out of whiskey bottles, he threw whatever he could find. Scattered pieces of armor, dirty dishes, and the models he'd spent hours working on were all sent flying across the room.

As they scattered, everything he'd been holding inside himself boiled to the surface and he was screaming before he had the awareness to bite back his words.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" he bellowed as his model turian cruiser exploded into a thousand pieces against the tank.

_[…] we've decided to increase the subject's dose of pain medication, as the prescribed opioids are not providing sufficient relief…_

"I fucked up," he spat, glaring at his distorted reflection in the tank's glass as he clutched another model in his hand, "I fucked up and she paid the price!"

It went soaring through the air and fragmented upon impact.

_Despite the success of the procedure, it is suspected that the subject will not survive the recovery process. Potential for infection is great and as such, I have ordered an aggressive series of antibiotics to be administered. Her employer has made it clear we are to use all of our resources and devote 100% of our time to keeping the subject alive._

"You could have died!"

With nothing else nearby for him to throw that wasn't bolted to the ground, he punched the wall. As soon as his fist made contact he knew he couldn't stop.

"It…should…have….been…me!"

He lost track of how many times he punched the wall. Numb to the pain, he only vaguely registered the warmth of his blood between his fingers.

It was only when his arms felt heavy and his head spun with vertigo that his strikes wavered. Choking on a barely contained sob, Shepard staggered and fell to his knees. He fell back against the wall, looking down at his own bloodied hands and shaking.

With silence having finally returned to the small cabin, he realized he wasn't alone in his room.

He looked up from where he sat and saw her standing in the doorway, as quiet and composed as ever.

"Go away," he said in a pained, broken voice as he tried to hide his bloodied hands.

Chakwas ignored his command and entered his room with a heavy sigh. She tip-toed around the pieces of broken glass, taking in the full scale of the mess he'd made of his cabin, until she reached him. He made a weak attempt to fend off her attempts to examine his hands, but ultimately relented.

"You've certainly made a mess of yourself, commander," she said as she tenderly prodded his hand, checking to see if he'd broken any bones in his fit, "Just what were you trying to accomplish?"

Shepard said nothing.

Unsure how much she had seen, he felt exposed and couldn't bring himself to look at her. Instead he settled his gaze on his hands.

"Hmm?"

"I was angry."

"I gathered as much."

"Fuck off," he said with a groan, too exhausted to bother with sugar-coating is words.

Chakwas didn't flinch. Instead, she calmly produced a handkerchief from her pocket and began cleaning some of the blood from his knuckles.

"No."

"No?"

"Come now, Shepard," she said with an amused laugh, "The girl disobeyed your direct order to help you on Alchera and she saved your life on Tuchunka, almost at the cost of her own."

"I don't need a reminder," Shepard snapped through gritted teeth, "I know what she's done."

Chakwas grabbed his chin firmly, forcing him to look her in the eye.

"She loves you, you idiot."

He vehemently shook his head and swatted her hand away. The urge to deny it all surged in him…as did the fear that came from knowing the doctor might very well be right. He made to stand, angry and confused and just wanting to be away from her, only to be jerked back by the stubborn woman.

"Fuck –

She smacked him lightly on the side of the head.

"Enough," she made him look at her once again, "you don't need to say anything but you will listen."

He grabbed her wrist but his battered fingers kept his grip lax.

"I don't know what it is exactly that's haunting you," she said gently, "I can't imagine what you saw on Akuze or Virmire. I cannot imagine the weight of those decisions either. And then seeing Ashley on Horizon –

"Please –

"Hush and listen," she urged, "what I do know is that you've been hurting for a long time. And for whatever reason you seem convinced pushing Eira away will make it easier. But look at yourself, commander, look at your room – how is this better?"

Shepard's brow furrowed as he glared at her.

"This has nothing to do with –

"You're telling me your fit has nothing to do with Eira in the slightest?" she asked with a smirk, her brow arched as she eyed him knowingly.

Shepard sighed.

_[…] it is my professional opinion that the subject is fit to be discharged from the hospital […]_

"I…don't know what to do," he admitted quietly, his hands shaking violently.

"She's been discharged, we only have to go and get her from the hospital."

He shook his head.

"The last real words I spoke to her before she nearly died saving me weren't kind…"

He didn't know how he was going to make it right by Eira, or if the wounded biotic would even give him the chance. Unwittingly, his mind traveled back to the dream he'd had of her…

Nothing is over…

"You should be the one to bring her back to the Normandy," Chakwas offered, "and I'm sure she'd like to see you."

Shepard scoffed at her confidence, "You sure of that?"

Chakwas continued to clean his hands, "No, but you're not going to know for sure if you continue to mope in your cabin."

\------------------------------------------------------

He paced in Huerta Memorial's waiting room, impatiently waiting for Eira's doctor to appear to begin her discharge process. It wasn't a small room by any means, but after thirty minutes passed with no sign of anyone it began to feel incredibly small.

He forced himself to settle near the large window that overlooked the busy district, leaning against it as he watched the skycars whizzed by.

Shepard let out a shaky breath and toyed with the zipper of his leather jacket.

He couldn't remember the last time he was truly as nervous as he was waiting to see Eira.

Over the course of the ten hours it had taken to get to the Citadel upon hearing of her release, he'd fretted over absolutely everything from what he was going to say when he saw her to what he was going to wear. Deep down, he knew it had all been ridiculous, but it had persisted nonetheless.

Even now he couldn't stop fidgeting.

"Commander?"

He turned and spotted a woman wearing Huerta scrubs standing in the doorway. She looked frazzled and was clutching a handful of data pads

"Yes?"

"We appreciate your patience, commander. I'm one of the nurses assigned to care for Eira. If you'll come with me, we can begin with her discharge."

__________________________________________________________________

She sat on the edge of her cot, hands folded in her lap, as the doctor's fingers poked and prodded her back. It still hurt; the drugs and cybernetics took off the edge but the stinging, tingling, annoying pain, but it was something she was growing accustomed to.

Of course, the doctors said the pain would lessen with time but she had her doubts. It was too constant for her to ever believe there would come a day when it wouldn't be there.

For now, she endured the exam in silence, her hands twitching ever so often when he turned his attention to a particularly tender spot on her back.

"Are you excited to finally be leaving, Eira?" he asked as he applied the foul smelling ointment to her wounds, the final step before applying the bandages.

She shrugged automatically and winced, biting her lip to stifle her groan, as her abused skin stretched with the movement.

"I suppose…" she finally said in a soft voice, turning her gaze back to the window.

A lot had changed since Tuchunka. Beyond the physical scars she'd carry with her the rest of her life; she'd been forced to hack off most of her hair. Early on, the tickle of her long hair against her back was pure agony. Putting it up in a ponytail wasn't an option either, as raising her arms to brush back her hair was made difficult by her injuries. So, she'd recruited a nurse and tamed the length of her hair. Now, her hair only reached her shoulders and in cutting it the waves had become more defined. She had lost weight too; both from the stress of it all and the nausea that came from her medications.

And while she didn't mind the haircut, she couldn't bring herself to so much as ask for a mirror.

She didn't need it.

She knew she looked like a mess.

With the ointment applied, she stood to allow the doctor the room needed to apply the bandages. She hugged the sheet to her chest to maintain some degree of modesty, but she hardly knew why she bothered anymore. Her treatments, surgeries, and examinations had seen her poked, prodded, and pinched more than she cared to recall. Still, the sheet remained.

Once the process was complete, she was allowed some privacy to dress. It was slow going, but she'd insisted on doing it herself.

She tugged on a pair of grey track pants and a loose tank top that hung from her thin frame. Wearing a bra was out of the question; the underwire and clasp dug into her in a way that made the simple act of breathing nearly unbearable. The battle took nearly thirty minutes and at the end she sat on her cot, panting from the strain of it.

As the burning pain subsided, she wondered who it was they were sending to get her. She hoped for Kasumi or Gabby; she missed them both, but expected it would likely just be some low-ranking member of the crew the Commander ordered to go fetch her.

Eira sighed.

Shepard…

She really had no idea how she was going to face him again.

Or if she really wanted to if she was being honest with herself.

Before facing the maw, she felt like something had been irrevocably torn between them. His hurtful words and ice-cold glances stung her long before the maw's acid hit her. On the landing pad she'd wanted to scream at him and when he'd pulled her from the krogan melee, she'd wanted to break down in tears from frustration alone.

How can I possibly face him after this, she thought sadly to herself as she fingered the elastic band at her wrist, flicking it so it snapped against her skin.

Considering all that had happened between them, she was confident he thought she was pathetic. After all, he'd acknowledged and shot down her affections after Alchera. That should have been the end of it but as much as she'd tried to will away her feelings, they remained. It was because of those feelings that she'd done what she had on Tuchunka and there was no way he hadn't realized that by now.

She sighed just as the door to her room hissed open behind her.

"Pardon me, Eira, but your escort is here," the nurse said from the doorway.

Eira nodded but didn't bother looking up. She reached the sweater she'd left balled up at the foot of her cot and slowly pulled it on. She gritted her teeth and bit back the moan of pain that threatened to leave her, breathing a sigh of relief when she'd managed to get her left arm into the sleeve.

The nurse scurried around the cot, gently chastising her as she made to help. But when the nurse reached out to help her, Eira swatted her hands away.

"I've got it."

"But –

"I said I fucking got it," Eira snapped, her frustration magnified by her discomfort.

The nurse held up her hands and glanced beyond Eira, to the doorway.

"I'll leave her in your care then, Commander?"

Commander?

Eira followed the woman with her gaze as she left the room. That was when she realized that the nurse hadn't come alone.

Standing in the doorway was Shepard.

________________________________________________________________________

The nurse spoke to him before leaving the room, but he didn't hear a word she said. Every ounce of his attention was focused on Eira.

After so long worry about her there she was.

She'd cut her hair, that was the first thing he'd noticed. It was as he was admiring the waves of her locks that he noticed the numerous bandages spread across her back. Upon seeing them he immediately felt bile rise in his throat. He wanted to throw himself at her right there and then, but he felt rooted to the spot; immobilized by shock. It had only been when she'd finally managed to get the sweater on that the feeling lessened and he was finally allowed to take a deep breath.

He cleared his throat and closed the door behind him. Alone with her, the room felt eerily quiet and small. He tried to avoid looking at her, but it was hard when he knew her eyes were on him. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and crossed the room, pretending to be fascinated with the view of the gardens from her window.

The silence lingered between them and he shifted awkwardly on his feet, frantically searching for something to say.

"Am I to return to the Normandy?" she asked in an even tone, "or are you here to send me on my way, Commander?"

He took a deep breath to steady himself and pulled his gaze from the window.

She was looking at him but there was a distant, dim look in her eyes that hadn't been there before. The scars caused by the splatter of acid on her neck and cheek had scabbed over but stood out against her pale skin. Her clothes hung off of her and he wondered sadly just how much weight she had lost.

"C-Chakwas said you'd been discharged, I thought I'd personally make sure you got back to the Normandy safely."

Eira nodded, "I see…well, I apologize for pulling you from your duties."

"It's nothing," he said quickly, "Have…have they been taking good care of you?"

"I'm alive," she said coldly, "so I think they've done well."

"Yes…well I'm glad to see you're doing so well…"

Eira shrugged. She eased herself up from her cot and made her way to the counter near the window where a large parcel had been left.

Shepard saw her reach for it and hurried forward, intercepting her.

"Let me," he insisted.

Eira didn't protest and said nothing, freezing where she stood.

As he gathered up the package, he looked at her. She was holding her left arm close and looking at the floor. Standing so close to her, he was shocked at just how small she was. Practically swimming in her loose clothing, she looked lost and defeated; like she wanted to withdraw and disappear from sight.

"Are…are these your medications?"

Eira nodded.

It was a sizeable bundle, though he wasn't sure what else he expected; he had read the reports after all.

"I saw the doctor's reports," he admitted quietly.

Eira glanced up at him.

"You nearly died."

"Well, I didn't," she said without hesitation, "far too stubborn to, or at least that's what the doctors said."

Shepard swallowed hard, "Do…do you remember any of it?"

Eira stood completely still.

He watched her carefully, and his heart sank when she eventually nodded.

"I remember running towards you," she began, "I remember getting hit…and after that there was screaming and gunfire. Everything after that is a blur…"

"Everything?" he pressed.

She nodded.

"I got you to the shuttle…and I stayed with you in the med-bay on the way to the Citadel. You were fading in and out of consciousness…but you spoke to me. You don't remember what you said?"

Eira tensed.

"I already said no," she snapped, "besides, I'm sure the pain meds made me say a lot of stupid things."

"Of course," he conceded, strangely disappointed, "Eira…about what happened –

"I'm sorry, Commander," she interjected, stepping back to put more distance between them, "for disobeying your orders on Tuchunka. You can rest assured it won't happen again."

He looked at her with wide eyes, completely bewildered.

"Eira…you saved me. I wanted to thank you."

She gave him a cautious, curious look.

"I…I froze," he said with a wince, the words bitter on his lips, "and if you hadn't…"

"Forget it."

"Eira –

"I'd rather not talk about it," she said sternly, "can we head back to the Normandy now? I'm tired of looking at these walls."

He was about to protest when he caught a glimpse of her face. She was looking down at the floor, trying to avoid looking at him as much as possible, but despite her efforts he saw the discomfort in her eyes and the glimmer of unshed tears barely contained. She was shaking and hugged herself, zipping her sweater up as far as she could.

Fuck, he thought sadly to himself, I've done nothing but hurt you.

He tucked the parcel under his arm and headed for the door, with Eira following closely behind him.


	25. At a Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eira returns to the Normandy and Tali fills her in on what shes missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy this chapter! I'm so sorry for the delay. My work schedule has changed, meaning my weekends are really just recovery days :( It was nice to sit down and write though! I'm so pumped for the next chapter :)

The skycar ride back to the docking bay was long, quiet, and awkward. Eira sat beside Shepard in the front seat, but was curled up as far from him as her safety belt would allow. She'd pulled up the hood of her sweater and was resting her head against the window as she watched the cars whiz by.

Completely lost in thought, she kept replaying his words in her mind.

_'You don't remember what you said?'_

Eira gave a heavy sigh and began toying with the drawstrings of her sweater as she fought with the truth.

She risked a quick glance at Shepard and frowned.

She recalled more than she admitted to him in the hospital room.

While much of it was in bits and pieces, scattered and blurred, she remembered the panic that tore through her the moment she realized Shepard wasn't going to move. Her chest had tightened so violently she thought her heart might burst. It was that fear that made her spring forward.

The sheer force behind the maw's hit wasn't something she'd soon forget. Besides the agony the acid brought, the speed of the attack sucked all the air from her lungs and flung her backwards. And the sizzling, all-consuming burn that came afterwards…

She cringed.

Mercifully it hadn't lasted long. She'd passed out, spending hours in quiet darkness until waking in the Normandy's med-bay.

He'd been playing with her hair…

Eira looked over at him and noticed he had a white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel. He looked uncomfortable and while his focus was on navigating the traffic, it was clear something was plaguing him.

_'What the fuck do I have to do to keep you out of trouble?'_

There was no figuring him out. He'd always been distant, cut off; like he was trying to keep as much distance between himself and the people around him as possible. One moment he had only to glance her way to send her heart aflutter and the next he was practically frothing with anger. It was enough to give her whiplash.

Feeling the beginnings of a headache approaching, Eira pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. She relaxed in her seat some, moving slowly so as not to agitate her wounds. Once her back was flat against the seat, she let out the breath she hadn't been aware she'd been holding.

"Are you all right?"

She didn't bother opening her eyes, answering him with a quiet hum.

"Eira?"

Frustrated by his persistence, she cracked one eye open and scowled.

His gaze snapped from the traffic to her and then back, concern etched upon his handsome face. He had reached out across the cabin to lightly touch her wrist and she noticed he had signalled to pull over.

Before Tuchunka, she would have given anything to get such a small, affectionate gesture from him. Now she didn't have the patience for it. It felt forced, fake. As though he was withholding something from her, despite all that had happened, and she wanted to scream until her lungs burned and her fury subsided. But she couldn't. Her throat was tight, unshed tears being barely held back despite the flurry of emotions tearing through her.

"Please," she snapped coldly, "I just want to get to the Normandy…"

From the corner of her eye she saw him shake his head.

"No, you don't look well. You're pale –

"Stop!" She spat, swatting his hand aside, "Just stop!"

Fists clenched and chin trembling with barely contained emotion; she cursed under her breath as tears trailed down her pale cheeks.

"Eira…"

His voice was soft and sad.

It was infuriating.

"Just stop," she growled, "I just want to get back to the ship, to my room. I'm fine, I'm alive and you can swallow whatever fucking guilt you've got," she choked on a sob, "just…stop…"

Shepard swallowed hard, gripped the wheel even tighter, and forced himself to keep driving. He wanted to push, to do whatever it took to make things better between them once again, but he remained silent. Her quiet sniffles and attempts to put as much space between them as she could in the confined space were like two hands gripping his heart and slowly squeezing in a vice that made breathing difficult.

How did it come to this, he wondered.

It was supposed to be easier this way.

\-------------------------------------------

She thought, after the skycar ride, seeing everyone would be easier in comparison.

It wasn't.

Gabby had been the first to spot her, and had squealed in delight as she sprinted across the mess hall to her. As overwhelmed as the engineer had been, she'd known enough to be gentle as she pulled Eira into a hug. Kasumi had been next, and had surprised Eira with a kiss to her undamaged cheek.

"I can't put into words how good it is to see you, Eira," the thief said softly, clasping her by the shoulders and regarding her with a bright smile.

Eira returned the gesture with a smirk, "Kasumi…I missed you…"

"Eira!"

She caught a glimpse of Garrus approaching and released Kasumi to meet the turian's embrace. It was awkward, what with the jagged pieces of his armor digging into her chest, but she hugged him back as tightly as she could.

"You're some kind of lucky, kid," he said with a heavy sigh, "didn't think we'd be seeing you back on the Normandy again."

"We're glad to be proven wrong," Kasumi added.

"Can we help with anything?" Gabby said; nodding to Shepard who had the bundle of medications Huerta had given her slung over his shoulder.

Eira caught his gaze, felt the bizarre wave of sadness and hurt radiating from him, and looked away before the tightness in her chest snapped.

"I've got it," Shepard said quietly, giving them all a quick nod before retreating to the med-bay without as much as a backward glance.

He left a strange silence in his wake and she kept her focus on the closed med-bay door, waiting for him to reappear but knowing he wasn't going to; at least not until the mess hall cleared out.

Eira wasn't sure what to do.

As hurt and confused as she was, she still found herself hoping he was all right; hoping that if he needed help he knew enough to reach out to Chakwas or maybe Garrus. He had to feel it too after all, the awkward energy between them; as if something had been said that could not be unsaid, as though they were somehow at the point of no return.

She retreated from the hall as quickly as she could, uncomfortable with those who hadn't said a word to her prior to Tuchunka lining up to give their congratulations or shake her hand now. In her hurry to get to the lift, she collided with a slim, dark figure that appeared out of nowhere as she rounded the corner.

Eira stumbled backward a few steps but the person she'd hit had fallen to the ground.

Mortified, Eira stammered to apologize only to be beaten to it by the girl she'd hit.

"Keelah! I'm so sorry! Are you all right?"

Eira looked down at the girl, caught off-guard by her apologies and her appearance. She was slim and wore a dark suit that covered her entirely. At a quick glance she looked somewhat human; it was only when she looked closer that she saw the strange shape of the girl's calves and hands. The mask she wore obscured her features, leaving only faint shimmers of light where Eira assumed the girl's eyes were.

Eira recalled having read about a race confined to envirosuits for the entirety of their lives during her studies on Nafna, but never thought she'd cross paths with one. Quarians, she remembered them being called.

"I-I'm fine," Eira stammered, offering the girl her hand, "I should have been looking where I was going, I'm sorry!"

The strange girl laughed and reached to accept Eira's outstretched hand.

"Are you okay?" Eira asked once the girl had been righted.

"I'm fine, thank you. I don't believe we've met, I am Tali'zorah vas Neema. You can call me Tali."

"I'm Eira –

"Ah, so you're the one Shepard went to fetch from the hospital?"

Eira nodded.

"You're lucky to be alive, from what I've been told. Shepard found me on Haestrom not long after you were injured. He got me out of a tough spot and I left my position with the Flotilla to help him here."

"Haestrom?"

"A planet that was once home to my people," Tali explained as she punched in the commands for the lift, "You were headed for the lift, yes? Engineering level?"

Eira nodded, "Yes, thank you. You…you're quarian, right?"

"I am," Tali said with beaming enthusiasm.

"I'm sorry, that was rude of me," she shrugged a little as she gave Tali an apologetic look; "I've just never met one of your people before."

Tali chuckled, "It's really all right. Quarians are rarely seen away from the Flotilla, so that's not a surprise. And if what Garrus told me is true, you grew up on an isolated space station."

"I did," she boarded the lift with Tali, the unease and urge to flee she'd been feeling previous forgotten, "It was raided…a lot of people died. The commander saved me. I've been here since."

"Hmm, Shepard does have a way of being in the wrong place at the right time. You've returned the favor, haven't you? He said you took a maw hit for him, saved his life."

Her words took Eira by surprise.

He said that? He'd spoken about what had happened?

"Eira?"

"I'm sorry; I just…really didn't think he'd mention what happened to anyone."

The lift came to a halt and the doors hissed open. She followed Tali out in a sort of daze, unsure of what to make of the quarian's words.

"He didn't say much," Tali said quietly, glancing around them to make sure they were alone, "I was with him in his battle against Saren and stayed aboard after…right up until the SR-1 was attacked and Shepard died."

"You've known him for a long time, then?"

Tali nodded.

"I was on my pilgrimage, my rite of passage into adulthood. I was so intimidated by him back then," she chuckled.

That Eira could relate to. She remembered how flustered she'd been around him. Beyond the physical, his confidence and intensity were impossible to ignore. It was magnetic; it was what drew people to him and made him the leader he was. Even with all that had happened between them, all the hurt and anger, she still felt it.

Eira frowned. She didn't want it. She wanted to hold onto her hurt, use it to smash out everything else he made her feel. All it did was complicate what she felt.

"He might have been dead for two years, but I still know him," Tali continued, "so I knew when we crossed paths on Haestrom that something wasn't right. When I boarded the Normandy and caught up with Garrus, he mentioned you and what had happened."

Eira swallowed hard.

Suddenly light-headed, she wanted to be in her room.

"I…I should lie down," she said in a quick breath, "I really think I need to lie down…"

Not caring how it looked to her new comrade, Eira slipped past Tali and headed down the corridor to her room. She heard Tali hurry after her.

"I'm fine I just need to –

"Lie down, I know," Tali finished, gently hooking her arm through Eira's to help keep her upright, "I'm sorry, I've upset you."

Eira shook her head, "No. No…I'm just tired."

Tali matched her pace, seemingly content to help her to her room regardless of how long the process took.

"Keelah, I shouldn't have said anything," Tali said softly as she helped Eira through the threshold and onto her bed.

"It's not you –

"You were fine until I started talking about Shepard," Tali pointed out.

"I…"

Eira didn't know what to say. When she failed to find the words, she merely shrugged and hoped Tali would leave it at that.

"I have to tell you something and I hope you're willing to listen," Tali said abruptly, her voice gentle but strong and unwavering.

Taken by surprise, Eira made to protest.

"You really don't have to say anything," she pressed, "you're his friend and we don't know each other. You don't owe me anything."

"True, but I feel as Shepard's friend I have to make you aware of something," Tali began, "Garrus told me what happened; you saved our friend. Thank you for doing what you did. I think you need to know that a few days after Haestrom, I found Shepard in your room."

Eira didn't know what to say, she honestly thought she had heard Tali wrong.

"I don't understand…w-what?"

Whatever she had been expecting, that had not been it.

"He looked awful," Tali said sadly, "like he hadn't slept in days. He said that he froze on Tuchunka and you took the hit. He seemed…amazed and confused; that you had risked your life for him after he'd treated you so horribly. He said that you know? That he treated you badly."

The frantic beating of her heart was alarming and left her feeling as though all the air had been sucked from her lungs.

"Why are you telling me this?" she snapped between sharp breaths.

"I cannot imagine the pain you endured from that maw's hit. You didn't have to –

"I did," Eira admitted with a quivering chin.

She wasn't sure where the admission came from, but when the words left her lips she felt struck by a sudden wave of emotion; as if she was allowing herself to feel the weight of her words for the first time.

_I had to…I had to save him._

Tears welled in her eyes.

_Despite everything I had to._

Mortified, she hurried to dismiss the quarian.

"Please, I really just want to lie down now."

Tali hesitated, having more she wanted to say, but decided against it and stood to take her leave.

"I'm sorry, Eira. I didn't mean to upset you."

Eira nodded, "I know…I…it's just been a long day."

"Rest well," Tali said warmly, gently squeezing Eira's hand before leaving.

As the door closed, Eira fell back onto her cot. She wiggled her way under the covers, moving purposefully to avoid hurting her back. Once settled, she rubbed the tears from her eyes and tried to make sense of what Tali had revealed. Alone with nothing but her thoughts, rest eluded her for hours.

\-----------------------------------------------------

In the days following her return to the Normandy, Eira saw little of Shepard. He always seemed busy, and was directing the crew from one system to the next to gather raw materials and complete various missions. None of which she was a part of. Sidelined by Chakwas, she occupied herself by helping Gabby in engineering and spending time with Kasumi in the lounge they once shared. She didn't mention what Tali had told her to anyone and tried to go about her days without dwelling on Shepard.

She never succeeded.

Late one night, after spending a few hours chatting with Garrus, Eira was heading back to her room when she was stopped in the main corridor on the engineering deck. She hadn't expected anyone else to be awake, and had jumped in surprise when a voice suddenly broke the silence that permeated the whole deck.

"Well if it isn't the princess…"

Eira turned and spotted Jack leaning in the doorway, her arms crossed and a smirk on her lips.

She hadn't seen much of the reclusive fugitive since their initial encounter, despite having moved to the same deck. Eira had just assumed Jack had taken Shepard's order to say away from her seriously. She was disappointed to see her now, but refused to show the weakness she had before.

Eira stood tall and squared her shoulders; determined not to shy away or show a hint of the unease she was feeling in the fugitive's presence.

"Good Evening, Jack."

Jack sauntered toward her, eyeing her up and down.

"Still in once piece I see," Jack said with an amused grin, "didn't think you had it in you, princess."

"You don't know a thing about me, Jack," Eira snapped, "now, if there is nothing else…"

She turned to continue on her way to her room.

"I'm going back to Pragia," Jack said, "to the facility Cerberus held me in; where they conducted their experiments. I'm going to blow it the fuck off the face of the planet."

Eira had stopped in her tracks and though she hadn't spared the fugitive a backward glance, her fists were clenched tightly at her sides in barely contained anger. Of course she knew where Jack was going with her talk about Cerberus…

"Good for you."

"Shepard has the Normandy heading there as we speak," she continued, savoring the rise she was getting out of the other woman, "you should go planet-side with us. Maybe then you'll open your fucking eyes and see Cerberus for what it is."

Eira broke and shot Jack a venomous glare. She'd never been so livid in her entire life. It consumed her entire body, leaving her trembling - but not in fear.

Tuchunka had burned that away and while she still felt that desire to buckle in the face of Jack's hurtful words, something new inside of her urged her to stand her ground.

"You're a failed experiment, Jack. I'm not."

"You sure of that?"

"Yes."

"Then come with us," Jack countered.

"What?"

She crossed her arms, "If you're so certain, come to Pragia and see for yourself."

She was too angry to care whether Chakwas or Shepard would allow her to go on a mission so soon. At the moment, she couldn't care less. All that mattered was not backing down and proving the arrogant biotic wrong.

"I'll be there."

Jack eyed her curiously, seemingly unsure of her resolve.

"I'm not some experiment," Eira said in a stern, low voice, "we're nothing alike. And if going to Pragia will shut you up, I'll be happy to go."

Eira saw something twitch in Jack's eyes and the amused, cocky look left her. It was alarming, just how sudden the switch was, but Eira managed to hide her surprise. Her anger remained after all, and it was all she wanted to focus on.

Now strangely somber, Jack stepped towards her. She didn't stop until they were face-to-face, with little more than a breath between them.

"You're going to end up eating those words, princess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next - Pragia!


	26. Pragia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack returns to Pragia, Eira begins to doubt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for the delay with this chapter! Just after I posted the last chapter, I lost a member of my family quite suddenly. Needless to say the last thing I wanted to do was write. I’m just getting back into the swing of things now so forgive me if I’m a tad rusty. I hope this is worth the wait! Your patience, dear readers, is deeply appreciated!

Eira woke early, dressed, and headed for the med-bay. If she was going to stand a chance of going planet-side she knew she had to have Chakwas sign off on her as being fit for active duty. Even then she knew deep down it was unlikely Shepard would consent but she was determined to at least try.

She was eager for the opportunity to shut Jack down but also to quiet the whispers in her own mind that prompted her to wonder if perhaps the tattooed biotic was right. As the thought returned to her, Eira cringed and picked up her pace.

There was no way Jack could be right.

She thought back to Nafna and Corinne, the woman she'd be raised by and whom she thought of as her mother. She tried to imagine the space station as her prison, Corinne as her jailor, but the image it conjured was so distorted she scarcely recognized it.

Hurrying from the lift the moment the door hissed open; she bypassed the few crew members lingering in the mess hall and made for the med-bay.

Chakwas was alone when Eira burst through the door, sitting at her desk with a coffee in one hand and a data pad in the other. She was surprised at the sudden intrusion but smiled warmly when her gaze settled on Eira.

"Good morning, my dear."

"I…I need an exam."

Clearly confused, Chakwas regarded her with furrowed brows.

"Are you well?" she stood and beckoned Eira to sit on an examination table, "any headaches or trouble with the bandages?"

Eira hopped up on the table, "Just a minor headache last night, nothing I couldn't sleep off."

"Burns giving you trouble then?"

She shook her head, "Doctor…I…I need medical clearance for a planet-side mission."

Chakwas stopped what she was doing and looked at Eira.

"You what?"

"I need –

"Eira, where is this coming from?" Chakwas asked, "You've only just returned and the commander has made no mention of wanting to bring you into the field."

At the mention of Shepard, Eira sighed and began nervously fiddling with one of the cuffs of her long-sleeved shirt.

"He hasn't said a word to me since I got back. I don't think he'd ever bring me along on a mission again if I don't push the issue."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"It is," she cast her gaze downward, "I know it is. But I have to be a part of the ground team for the Pragia mission."

"Pragia?"

Eira nodded, "Jack convinced him to take her there so she can blow up some facility."

"Ah, so Jack put this idea in your head," Chakwas gave a heavy sigh, "Eira you're not ready."

"I need to be," she insisted, her tone more forceful than Chakwas had ever heard.

"You nearly died."

"I feel fine," Eira countered, "and I need to be there, I need to see that facility for myself."

"Why?"

Eira shuddered and took a deep breath, blinking away the tears she felt welling in her eyes.

"I have to know I'm not like her," she said finally, her voice little more than a whisper.

Chakwas's expression softened and she unfolded her crossed arms, "Oh, Eira…"

"She says I am," Eira admitted, "but I'm not. I'm not, doctor. They experimented on her, tortured her –

Chakwas raised her hands, biding her to stop.

"Eira, your physical condition aside, how can I give my consent to subject you to potential emotional trauma?"

It was a fair question, Eira supposed, but one she didn't have a real answer to.

"Trust me," she said instead, meeting Chakwas's gaze, "please just trust me on this."

There was a moment of tense silence between them before Chakwas ultimately sighed and fetched a pressure cuff from a nearby cabinet.

"Pass an exam and I'll clear you but I can't promise the commander will consent to have you along."

Eira smiled and when Chakwas neared to take her blood pressure, she reached out and grabbed the woman's hand, giving it a firm squeeze.

"Thank you," Eira said with profound sincerity, "truly."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suited up and armed, Eira stood with Jack near the shuttle awaiting Shepard. It felt strangely good to have her pistol on her hip again, to feel the tight binding of her armor across her body. It had been awkward getting the tight pieces on and painful at first when the thick material pressed against her wounded back, but after a few deep breaths the pain had subsided.

Jack had said nothing when Eira rounded the corner to join her. She'd merely grinned, gave a short chuckle, and leaned against the wall. But it wasn't Jack's reaction she had been anxiously anticipating. As far as she knew, Jack had said nothing to Shepard.

There was no way he wasn't going to react when he saw her.

She began nibbling on the inside of her cheek as the waiting dragged on.

Not ten minutes later, she saw Shepard hurry down the stairwell into the loading bay and approach the shuttle. She felt her breath catch in her chest as nerves tore through her. As he neared, she saw his expression change as his gaze fell on her.

There was an awkward silence as he stopped a few paces from her, one eventually broken by Jack.

"I extended the invite," she said dismissively, as though it were the only explanation needed.

Shepard's gaze snapped to her, "Oh really?"

Jack snorted, "Really."

"I've been cleared by Chakwas," Eira said, watching Shepard carefully, "She said I'm fit for duty –

"You approached her for clearance behind my back?" Shepard snapped angrily, icy blue eyes fixed on her.

She wanted to back down, it was her first instinct, but she forced herself not to look away from him and held her head high. Her need for answers and to see the facility remained.

"If I didn't you wouldn't bring me along," she said evenly, "on this or any other mission. Jack asked me to come and I want to help."

Shepard cursed under his breath, turned on his heels and shouted to Joker over the comm to have Chakwas meet him in the loading bay.

He paced near the stairwell as they waited for the doctor to arrive, leaving Eira with Jack near the shuttle.

"Well," Jack said with a light laugh, "he took that well. Sure you still want to come?"

"Of course," Eira said without hesitation.

Chakwas arrived not long after and was ushered to the side by Shepard. They spoke in hushed voices initially, but it quickly deteriorated to yelling; at least on the part of Shepard. Chakwas maintained her cool and calm composure, which seemed to only enrage him more.

Eira felt horrible. She'd begged Chakwas to help her and now she was the one bearing the brunt of his anger.

Before she could second guess herself, Eira hurried across the loading bay floor to where the two were arguing. Chakwas saw her coming and made a subtle gesture with her hand, trying to dismiss her.

Eira ignored her and grabbed Shepard by the arm.

He turned and the anger immediately drained from him at the sight of her. It was replaced by confusion.

"I went to her! I begged her to clear me for active duty! And I agreed to Jack's invitation," she professed, "and your yelling at her? What is wrong with you?"

Both Chakwas and Shepard were rendered speechless.

"I was brought on the Normandy to help, wasn't I? Let me!"

Shepard jerked his arm free of Eira's grasp, glanced at Chakwas, and headed for the shuttle.

She watched him go and when he was far enough away, Chakwas spoke up.

"My dear, he's worried about you."

"Sure," Eira scoffed, "I'm sorry I dragged you into this. You didn't deserve that from him."

"Eira –

"I should go before he leaves without me out of spite."

She left without sparing the doctor a second glance, her focus entirely set on the shuttle and the promise Pragia held.

Jack stepped onto the shuttle as Eira neared. Shepard had stayed back and eyed her as she approached. Eira stubbornly refused to look at him and made to board, confident she'd ended the debate on the issue.

Much to her surprise, he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back before her boot hit the platform. Shepard half-led, half-dragged her to the front of the shuttle; her weak attempts to break free doing nothing to halt him. When they were more or less concealed, Shepard backed her up against the spacecraft and stood before her. He was so close she felt that if she were to take a deep breath her chest might press against his.

She looked up at him, her previous confidence faltering only slightly, and was surprised by the raw emotion she was confronted with. Anger was there, but she was flabbergasted to see something akin to real concern in his eyes.

It pissed her off.

After Alchera and Tuchunka he didn't have the right to pull that.

"Yes, commander?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, seemingly taking a moment to compose himself.

Finally he spoke.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

He spoke in a whisper that lacked the bite of anger she had expected.

"I'm going with –

"How," he started with a shake of his head, "do you think that is a good idea?"

"Don't pretend you give a damn," she bit back, "What does it matter, anyway? I'm expected to pull my weight as a member of this crew. I intend to do that."

"And I'll find a way for you to do that," he hissed, "I'll bring you along on another mission, I promise. But Pragia isn't it. I know you think it is, but it's not."

"I don't believe you," Eira hissed, nudging him a step back with a shove of her hand, "and I'm going on this mission regardless of what you say."

Shepard was silent. He simply stared at her for some time before ultimately stepping back and giving a curt nod of consent.

Victorious, Eira slipped away from him and boarded the shuttle, taking a seat beside Jack.

"Personal shit dealt with?" she prodded, eyeing Eira as she buckled in.

Eira nodded.

Shepard stepped aboard and took a seat across from the two women. He didn't look at either of them. Instead, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor between his feet.

It was a long, quiet ride to Pragia.

\------------------------------------------------------------

"I forgot how much I hate this place."

Eira looked at Jack and was surprised to see her fidgeting in her seat.

"Landing pad has to be on the fucking rooftop; else the trees would overgrow it in a few hours…"

"Sensors indicate thermal signatures in all areas save your landing zone, Shepard," EDI's voice advised through the shuttle's intercom, "Readings continue to fluctuate."

"Cerberus pricks," Jack spat, "built their equipment to last…assholes."

Jack toyed with her belt and stared out the window.

Her reaction surprised Eira. Jack had shown no weakness since coming aboard the Normandy, no emotion save blind anger. To see her anxious now, to see her squirm in her seat and sweat glisten on her brow…it was bizarre.

"It was a mistake coming here, Shepard," she said shakily.

"Get a hold of yourself," he said in a calm, even tone, "It'll be okay."

Jack took a deep breath, slowly exhaling it and closing her eyes before finally responding.

"I'm fine. Okay…let's just get on the ground."

The shuttle slowly approached the landing pad, giving Eira a clearer view of the long-abandoned facility. Part of her expected it to look exactly like Nafna, although deep down she knew that was foolish. It appeared to be sizable, with various sections splintering out into the wild vegetation of the surface. Row upon row of shattered skylights lined the roof of the complex, but beyond that there was little remarkable about it.

The moment the shuttle touched down, Eira unbuckled and drew her pistol, checking her clip for what had to be the hundredth time.

Jack was the first onto the landing pad.

Eira joined her without sparing Shepard even the slightest of glances.

"Let's just do this," Jack said firmly, "Plant the damn bomb in my cell and watch this place burn."

Shepard said nothing, leading them down the walkway and into the complex.

Much to her surprise, the door opened with little fuss, revealing a darkened corridor lit by a single flickering light. Water leaked from the ceiling and a light dusting of moss covered the floor.

Despite advanced technology, Pragia itself was trying to take back the space.

The first room they came to was sizable, filled with strange containers and desks strewn about.

"I never saw this room," Jack mussed, "I think they brought new kids here in these containers…"

Eira's gaze snapped from the container she was examining to Jack, who had a solemn look on her face.

"They were messed up and starving…but alive, most of the time."

As much as she didn't want to admit it, the sight shook her. The containers, while sizable, were short and seemed the right size for transporting children. She strained her mind, trying to think of anything on Nafna that resembled the room she found herself in. Nothing rang a bell, but the ominous feeling that struck her upon arrival and the sick feeling in her stomach remained.

"Eira, come on," Shepard said, his voice breaking the reverie Eira found herself in.

She blinked and turned to see him waiting for her near an open doorway.

Jack passed through the doorway Shepard stood by first and he stayed, allowing Eira to pass through before him. He watched her closely as she passed him, though she was far too engrossed in her surroundings to take notice.

They descended a flight of stairs and saw Jack standing before a playing hologram.

_"…The Illusive Man requested operation logs again. He's getting suspicious. We get results; he won't care what we've done. But if he knew…"_

Shepard turned the hologram off.

"Sounds like they went rogue…" he said quietly.

"Be easy to think that, wouldn't it?" Jack snapped, "Fucker didn't say what they were hiding from the Illusive Man."

"True," he conceded, "let's keep moving."

Another tight corridor and a broken flight of stairs brought them to what appeared to be a small atrium. A walkway wrapped around the area, though large sections were falling apart.

Jack looked up, to the numerous broken skylights and tensed.

"I remember this room. I fought my way here, saw sunlight through the cracks in the ceiling…"

Eira followed Jack's gaze. The cracks in the glass let rain through, which lightly struck her face. She vaguely recalled seeing a similar sight years ago, when Nafna was her whole world. A large room…glass on the low ceiling that was tinted so she couldn't see through it…crates piled high around her…a single chair on which she sat…

She swallowed hard. When was that memory from? Where had she been?

Shepard nudged Eira lightly and gestured forward.

She followed him, weapon raised but mind a million miles away.

She's wrong; Eira growled inwardly, she's fucking wrong.

They descended the staircase and came upon concrete barricades pushed to form a crude circle. As she was pondering their purpose, Shepard spoke.

"An arena?"

Jack nodded, "They used to stage fights. Pit me against the other kids. I loved it…only time I was let out of my cell."

"They…made you fight?" Eira said as she eyed the splatters of old blood stains on the floor, "why?"

Jack snorted, "Hell if I know, princess. Guess it was how they got their kicks."

"Did…did any of the children die?"

"I couldn't afford to hesitate," Jack said coldly, "I got shocked when I hesitated. The drugs fueled me too…gave me warm and fuzzy feelings when I fought."

Involuntarily, memories of her training in the lab surfaced. Hot lights beat down on her, sweat slicked her hair back and stuck her clothes to her skin. Her body ached, she'd been going for what felt like hours…and still the training mechs came. Afterwards, there would be the calmly touch of Corinne patting her head as she injected something into her arm. Something that took the edge of the pain and made her feel as though she were underwater.

Jack watched Eira and seemed amused by the sickened look on her face.

"Bring back any memories?"

Shepard saw Eira flinch and stepped between the two women, glaring at Jack until she got the idea and kept walking. When she was far enough away, Shepard turned to Eira.

"You okay?"

Eira nodded quickly.

"Stay close, alright?" he said quietly, "You'll be fine."

Eira looked at him and he saw a far-off, dazed look in her eye. Concerned, he clasped her shoulder and gave her a slight shake.

"Hey? Stay with me, Eira."

She shook off his hand and nodded, "Yeah, sure, I'm here."

"Good," he gave a small smile, "come on."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Varren greeted them around the next bend. Eira picked off two that charged her with relative ease, reloaded her pistol and followed Jack to the far end of the room, stepping over their carcasses as she went. The woman had found another communications link and quickly located and pulled up another hologram.

_"Security Officer Zemkl, Teltin facility. The subjects are out of control! They're tearing the place up! Subject Zero is going to get lose! I need permission to terminate, repeat, permission to terminate! All subjects besides Zero are expendable, keep Jack alive!"_

Jack slammed her fist down, ending the hologram. Before Eira or Shepard could say anything, Jack left the room. They followed her, and found that she had stopped in her tracks in front of the still-warm body of a skinned varren.

"This place was supposed to be abandoned? Who the fuck shot it?" she kicked the varren, "it's a fresh kill."

Eira looked to Shepard, who had a grim look on his face.

"Guns up, we're not alone."

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shepard was proven right not long after they found the varren, when they entered a large room only to come face to face with vorcha. He barely had time to shout a warning when gunfire broke out.

Eira slid behind an overturned desk, steadied herself, turned and fired. She took down a snarling vorcha crouched nearby and another who was firing at Shepard. Jack let out a fierce shout and ploughed through the cover two vorcha shared, sending them both flying.

It was over as quickly as it started.

Eira reloaded and approached Shepard.

"This is a morgue," he said quietly.

"This was a small facility," Jack added, "why would they need a morgue?"

Eira felt bile rise in her throat.

"The other children…" she murmured, "when they died…they…"

She trembled as the words left her.

A horrific thought crossed her mind - what if there had been others like her at Nafna? Hidden away in other wings of the station? Her blood ran cold.

"Bullshit," Jack spat angrily, "I had the worst of it and I made it out!"

Eira's gaze lingered on one of the exam tables. It was short, child-sized, and tarnished with a combination of rust and long-dried blood.

In another life, one far from Nafna, could she have been one of those children?

She took a deep breath and tried to will the thought away.

"Shit," Jack muttered, "let's just go plant that fucking bomb."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vorcha continued to dog them as they progressed through the facility. As they descended a tight stairwell, she clipped one as it emerged from cover on a ledge above them and another as they reached a long corridor dotted with numerous doors.

Curiosity got the best of her as they made their way and she peaked inside one of the rooms to find a stark, modest bedroom. A single bed, a small desk, and a bedside table…

"They kept the children here…"

"Roomy, ain't it?" Jack sneered, "Bet they gave you better digs on that station, didn't they?"

Eira just stared into the small, dark room.

"Jack!" Shepard snapped angrily.

"What?" she demanded, rounding on her heels to stare him down, "You can't keep her blind to it forever, Shepard! She has to wake the fuck up!"

"Lower your fucking voice," he hissed, "there's bound to be more vorcha out there!"

Jack laughed, "Like I care! Bring it!"

As Shepard and Jack bickered, Eira stepped into the cell. She scanned the room, her gaze falling upon a filthy stuffed bear near the overturned bed. Memories of her own childhood, spent largely confined to her bedroom, rushed back to her. She thought back to the stuffed hanar toy she had clung to as a young girl…

She gagged as a wave of nausea hit her, turning quickly from the room before her stomach betrayed her.

She hurried briskly past her comrades and continued down the hallway, her gaze fixed forward. Shepard called after her, but she ignored him.

She had to force herself not to look into any of the rooms she passed but the weight of knowing they were all the same hit her like a blow to the chest. Much to her anger, she felt tears welling in her eyes.

"Eira, stop!"

As horrific as this place was, she had to remind herself nothing she had seen proved the two facilities shared anything in common. She never saw any other children. There were no deadly experiments or cruelty from the technicians. It might not have been an enriched upbringing or a traditional one at that, but there was no way Nafna was anything like Teltin.

And there was no way she was anything like Jack.

Eira slowed only when she made it past the cells.

Jack continued past her without a backward glance, but Shepard lingered with her. He said nothing but kept pace with her as they walked, allowing Jack to take point.

The group continued in silence, winding around a walkway over a greenspace built into the complex as they headed deeper into the facility. They ended up in a darkened room filled with toppled desks and broken monitoring equipment. A single reclining examination table stood in the center of the room, surrounded by waves of tangled cords.

Jack stopped near the table.

"This is a bad place," she said.

"Do you remember it?" Shepard questioned.

She shrugged, "Passed through when I escaped."

"We're close then?"

Jack nodded and gestured towards the only other door in the room.

"Just through there…let's end this."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Surrounded by a dozen vorcha corpses, Eira watched in silence as Jack repeatedly kicked the krogan's corpse. She grunted a curse each time her boot connected with the mercenary, hitting him repeatedly until she stumbled and fell to her knees. She gave a primal scream, her biotics flared, and she punched the krogan hard enough to crack his armor.

Jack had always appeared angry and erratic to Eira; but what she saw before her took her by surprise.

Jack was hurting.

Eira didn't know what to do. It felt wrong to stand and gawk at the vulnerable woman, but the moment she realized what she was seeing she couldn't look away.

What she was seeing was a woman momentarily stripped of all defences by the shadows of her past. Gone were the tattoos, bruises, and pure fury. In their place was a traumatized woman being forced to confront the hell she'd escaped as a youth, someone who had been shaped completely by what had been done to her within the walls of the facility in which they now stood.

Eira felt her chest tighten.

How different was she really from Jack?

The makeshift arena in which she had been forced to fight, the cells that were home to terrified children…and the dark room that held a single examination table – how different were they from what Nafna held?

Eira wasn't sure anymore.

Panting, Jack finally stood; slowly, swaying as if completely depleted of energy.

"Piece of shit," she sneered, spitting on the krogan as she righted herself, "Gettin' in my way…"

"Your cell," Shepard said as he approached her, "are we close?"

Jack nodded, "Yeah. Bet that guy the krogan spoke of is hiding there. There's nowhere else to hide."

"Stay smart," he cautioned, "for all we know Aresh isn't alone in there."

"Good, I'm not done. Not by a long shot."

She stormed towards a reinforced door the vorcha had tried to obscure with crates. With a flick of her wrist, the crates soared through the air and slammed into the far wall. She used her biotics to force the door open, bending the metal of the doorframe back until it curled over itself.

"Coming?"

Jack didn't wait for a response. She raised her pistol and stepped into the darkened corridor without as much as a backward glance.

"Jack!"

Shepard swore under his breath and hurried forward to follow her.

"Eira, come on!"

Eira heard him but made no attempt to follow.

A shiver ran down her spine and she felt all warmth and color leave her body. She felt weak, but somehow managed to remain upright despite her knees buckling.

She could hear his voice and although she wanted to listen to him, the very thought of taking another step forward was horrifying. Everything she believed about her life, about herself, was built upon a foundation that was now compromised. Eira felt that taking one more step, however small, would shatter it entirely.

And she wasn't ready for that.

"Eira!" he urged, remaining in the doorway but quickly glancing down the corridor Jack had gone down.

She just shook her head.

"Eira! Eira, listen to me! I need you to follow me!"

A pained gasp left her and she vehemently shook her head as she took a step back.

"Eira…"

He was torn.

Jack had run head-first into danger, into what was almost certainly a trap, but Eira was in no condition to defend herself.

_Eira…_

Shepard took a step toward her, only for a single gunshot to break the silence.

"Fuck, Jack," his gaze snapped from Eira to where Jack had run, back to Eira, "Eira stay there, get your gun up!"

He bolted down the hallway, leaving Eira alone.


	27. Consequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eira and Jack face each other after Pragia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm BACK!!!

Alone and surrounded by the bodies of the mercs they'd just killed, Eira had only her thoughts to keep her company.

Her world was silent and strange. Exhaustion hit her hard; as if every drop of adrenaline had left her in an instant, leaving her weak and groggy. A migraine had her head pulsing so fiercely tears sprung to her eyes. It was all she could do to squint as the fluorescent lights beat down on her, distorting her vision.

Despite it all, she only faintly recognized the danger she was in: alone in an overgrown facility seemingly crawling with enemies, she was in no state to defend herself. Not when the lines between past and present blurred in her mind, mirroring once precious childhood memories with the fragments of insight she'd gathered from Jack in Teltin.

Aimlessly, she began to weave around the bodies; stumbling as she stepped on and over them.

She was looking for…well, she wasn't quite sure what she was hoping to find.

Teltin wasn't like she expected it to be. In many ways it looked nothing like Nafna and yet every step she had taken in its' halls made her think of the station she'd called home for so long. She thought back to the modest room that had been hers, of the hanar toy she'd clung to so fiercely, and the training halls she'd spent countless hours in…

A shiver ran down her spine.

This place, Teltin, had been Cerberus; as much as it sickened her to admit it the logs they'd seen were impossible to ignore. Everything she'd seen…

Their arenas might have differed slightly, but Eira had been made to fight just as Jack had. And for what?

How many hours did she log in that training hall? How many mechs had she sent to the scrap yard in all the years she'd been there? And how could she have been so blind?

Tears streamed down Eira's cheeks and she bit her lip in an effort to halt its quivering. Fear and embarrassment overcame her and she dropped her pistol.

"No," she muttered under her breath as she paced the room, "no, no, this is wrong…"

Eira pressed her palms to her temples and gritted her teeth.

She had to be missing something; some tiny fragment of information that would make it all make sense and reaffirm everything she had believed to be right before she'd set foot on Pragia.

Eira suddenly felt like she was going to be sick. It hit her hard and she gagged as bile rose in her throat. She managed to take a single deep, slow breath that seemed to calm the intense feeling but the moment she tried to open her eyes it hit her again. She heaved and when there was nothing left in her to expel, stumbled backwards.

Overwhelmed and disoriented, she felt fresh tears spring to her eyes.

She wasn't sure how long she had been alone or where Shepard was; all she knew was that she wanted to get off Pragia and as far away from Teltin as she could.

"Eira?"

She spun quickly on her heels and in a panic, raised her hands to strike the figure that appeared before her. It was all a blur but when the figure grasped her wrists, halting her feeble attempts to strike out, her legs gave out from under her and she feel to her knees.

"Eira!" Shepard dropped to his knees and grasped her firmly by her arms, giving her a slight shake, "Are you hurt? Talk to me!"

She regained focus as he scanned her with him omni-tool in an effort to determine if she was injured. Unsure what to say, she roughly wiped away the tears from her cheeks and avoided his attempts to make eye contact.

"Eira?"

She flinched when he tried to move her hair out of her face.

"Hey," he coaxed in a hushed voice, "I need you to get up. Jack's prepped the explosive; we can get out of here."

With blood pounding in her ears, Eira couldn't be sure she heard him right.

"I need you to help me get you out of here, Eira," Shepard whispered, "I need you to try to get up."

"Looks like you're going to have to carry her bridal-style to the shuttle," Jack scoffed as she crossed her arms, "the princess doesn't seem fit to be of any help."

"She's in shock. What's your excuse, Jack?" he snapped, "Either help or wait for us at the shuttle."

Jack rolled her eyes, "Whatever. Don't make me wait long Shepard. I want to see this place burn and I'm not a patient woman."

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Shepard watched the tattooed biotic saunter from the hall. Her obvious delight enraged him and he hated himself for not doing everything he could to prevent Eira joining them on Pragia. After all, seeing Eira's pained reaction was exactly what Jack was hoping for and he'd practically rolled over and let it happen.

Deciding to swallow his anger for the time being, he turned his focus back towards getting Eira up and out of Teltin. Unfortunately, he knew he didn't have the time to gently coax her into standing and leaving with him. He couldn't be certain all of the mercs were dead or if the sounds of gunfire had earned them the attention of Pragia's more imposing wildlife.

He reached out, brushing aside Eira's hair to grab her chin. He made her look at him, though she put up no real fight beyond a whimper of protest.

Her heartbreak was etched into her features. Sorrowful, tear-reddened eyes met his gaze. Her cheeks were damp and streaks of tears had run down her neck. Her lips quivered as she struggled to maintain what little composure she had.

The sight of her was like a punch to the gut. It completely sucked the air from him. He wanted to hold her; but he knew that wasn't going to get her to the shuttle.

"We're getting out of here even if I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you out to the shuttle," he said sternly, "get up, stay close, and I'll get you off of this fucking planet."

He didn't wait for her to respond. Heaving her to her feet, he gave her only a second to steady herself before grabbing her hand and hurrying for the exit.

All that mattered was the shuttle. She was going to be fine so long as he could get her there.

He backtracked through the facility, keeping a steady paced but mindful that dangers might still linger in Teltin's halls. In one hand he clutched his pistol; in the other he held Eira's hand tightly.

Mercifully they made good time and when the shuttle was finally in sight, he smiled as relief set in.

"Nearly there, Eira, hang on!" he shouted to her as Jack powered up the shuttle and its engines hummed with life, sending dirt up into the air.

She got herself into the spacecraft, but made no move to prepare herself for take-off. Shepard urged her to a seat beside him and strapped her in.

"Get us out of here," he shouted as he took his seat, swaying only slightly as the shuttle rose from the landing pad.

"'bout time," Jack quipped, her arms crossed, "I didn't come here to take in the sights."

"You'll get what you want, Jack," Shepard said coldly, all out of patience for the woman, "as soon as we reach a safe distance, do what you came here for."

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The second the shuttle door hissed open, Eira bolted from her seat and sprinted through the loading bay.

"Eira!" Shepard shouted after her, throwing down his helmet carelessly as he ran after her.

He heard Jack shout something as he ran off, but hardly cared what it was she had to say. He was tired of hearing her voice, tired of her delight in Eira's pain. If she wasn't a strong ally in his mission, he'd have her off his ship. If he was honest, he was debating it even then.

As he made it to the top of the stairs, he saw the door to Eira's room close behind her. The interface glowed red – she'd locked it behind her.

He slammed his fist against the steel door.

Panic settled in and his fear for her immediately intensified. She shouldn't be alone after seeing what she did on Teltin.

As much as he wanted to believe she would do anything stupid, he was also keenly aware he'd just witnessed someone's entire world shatter. Everything she'd thought she knew about herself and those who'd raised her…

"Eira?"

Nothing.

"Eira, listen to me," he pleaded, "You shouldn't be alone. At least let Garrus or Gabby in!"

It was EDI who finally responded.

"My apologies commander but Eira…respectfully requests to be left alone."

Shepard swore under his breath and pressed his forehead to the cold metal of the door as he weakly knocked.

"I…please, Eira…"

"I will monitor her closely," EDI said gently, "and alert you of any suspicious behavior, commander."

Pushing off from the door, Shepard nodded despite not liking it one bit.

"Anything happens to her –

"You have my word," the AI said firmly, "I will not let you down in this, Shepard."

\----------------------------------------------------------

Eira awoke in the middle of the night-cycle, having cried herself to sleep. She was still in her armor and her entire body ached from how it had dug into her body.

She ignored EDI's inquiries into how she was feeling and stood, peeling off her armor piece by piece and letting them fall to the ground without a care as to where they landed. Pulling on an oversized shirt and a pair of shorts she found at the foot of her bed, Eira left her room. She wasn't sure where she was going but she felt compelled to leave her small room.

The hallway was quiet and devoid of any crewmembers. She considered raiding the mess hall's kitchen but decided the risk of bumping into someone wasn't worth it. Instead she found herself in the loading bay standing before the shuttle. A strange and stupid thought came to mind as she looked at it…

Surely it wasn't hard to pilot? Maybe she could get away before the crew rallied?

Eira had no idea where she'd go; there was nothing beyond the Normandy, no one waiting for her. But how could she stay after Teltin?

Though the facility raised more questions than it answered, what was abundantly clear was that Cerberus was not all that it appeared.

Teltin made her question everything; every test they ever ran on her, every simulator they were put her in. It made her doubt Corrine.

Eira wasn't sure how to deal with that or what it made her in the end.

Was she an experiment like Jack? A guinea pig designed to amuse the Illusive Man?

"Going to take off?"

Eira turned to see Jack approaching, a smirk on her lips.

"Whatever you've come to say I'm really not interested in hearing, Jack," Eira said in a quiet, shaky voice, "I'm really not."

The sting of embarrassment was still keenly felt. Eira had been so sure after all, so disgustingly naïve about Cerberus and her true purpose on Nafna. To have that torn away…Eira didn't think she could bear Jack's gloating atop everything else.

Jack continued as if Eira had said nothing.

"Teltin not what you expected?"

"What do you think?" Eira countered, fists clenched as she fought to maintain her grasp on the last fragments of her composure.

"What I know, princess, is that it was a hell of an eye-opener," Jack crossed her arms and leaned against a shipping crate, "I wonder what made Cerberus keep you from the experiments on Pragia? A lot of kids died there as test subjects for experiments they wanted to run on me. They needed kids with biotic potential…and yet you were sparred that."

Eira was shaking. She didn't want to bend to Jack's goading but the desire to hit her with a biotic blast strong enough to space her was intense. Her throat tightened. She wanted to rend her into dust; maybe then she'd wake from the nightmare that had ensnared her.

"I am not you, Jack."

Jack snorted in amusement, "Whatever helps you sleep at night…"

She turned to leave, having gotten what she wanted from Eira.

But Eira wasn't going to let her get away.

"I am not you!" Eira screamed, biotics flaring up around her as anger like she'd never known surged through her, "You're a fucking mistake!"

"And you're not?" Jack countered, turning on her heels to face Eira, her own biotics springing to life, "You were kept alive for the amusement of a demented old man, just as I was!"

Eira's fingers tingled with energy just waiting for release. She pulled it into the palms of her hands and stared Jack down, reason dangerously close to leaving her.

"Shut…up!"

"Get over yourself, princess," Jack sneered, "Cerberus used you, just like me. If you'd stayed on that station, you'd have outlived your usefulness to them. They would have spaced you with the fucking garbage –

"Shut up!"

And with that, Eira let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	28. The Hurt that Comes After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters posted back-to-back? You're welcome! ;)

Shepard was jolted awake by a tremor that shook his bed followed in quick succession by EDI's panicked voice over the intercom.

"What the –

"Commander!" another tremor, "Eira and Jack are currently engaged in combat in the loading bay! Crewmembers have been alerted but I advise immediate intervention!"

"What the fuck!" he said as he stumbled in his hurry to get out of the tangle of sheets that had snared him, "EDI what the hell happened?"

"If you want to prevent one of them blowing a hole in the Normandy I advise we leave the questions for later," she snapped.

It was all he needed.

He bolted for the lift without bothering to grab a shirt and frantically punched his commands into the console, desperate to get to the loading bay before any serious damage was done.

"Come on, come on, come on!" he said through gritted teeth, furious at how slow the damn thing was moving, "EDI! Can you make this piece of shit go any faster?"

The AI didn't answer but the lift suddenly sped up, sending Shepard staggering backwards into the wall. He grunted as his back made contact with the wall and only just managed to right himself when the lift reached its destination with a violent jerk as it decelerated. Shepard fell forward and hit the opposite wall.

"Fuck! EDI!"

"Apologies, commander."

The door opened and Shepard ran through, his frustration with the AI pushed to the backburner, taking the stairs down to the loading bay two at a time.

He saw crewmembers taking cover behind mangled lockers near the base of the stairwell. Some had their weapons drawn but most were focused on maintaining cover as biotic energy swirled around the bay. He turned to find its source, and to his horror found Eira and Jack in the center of it, each hurling attacks at the other.

"Commander!"

It was Miranda.

She had taken cover behind a larger crate a few paces ahead of him. Clearly roused from bed, Miranda's hair was tousled and she wore pyjamas and slippers instead of her usual skin-tight suit and heels. Despite her attire Miranda had her pistol in hand, ever-ready.

Shepard joined her but peeked out from cover to keep Eira in his sights the moment his back hit the crate.

"We have to stop them before they get us all killed!" Miranda hollered over the chaos, "what the hell's gotten into them?"

"Get the crew out of here," he ordered, side-stepping her question, "I'll have better luck getting them to calm down without guns raised!"

"Shepard –

"That was an order, Miranda," he said, "stay here, keep to cover, but get the others out."

He didn't wait to see if she'd listen; he knew she would despite her reservations. Instead, he stepped out from behind cover and slowly approached the biotics with his hands raised.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Eira was bleeding from her brow and had a split, swollen lip. Jack had caught her with a well-timed blast early on after she'd hit her with a barrage of tools and crates she's sent flying with her biotics. The force of her hit had sent Eira stumbling backwards, but she'd recovered quickly and resumed her attack.

She faintly recognized the pain of the blow but her anger and adrenaline dulled it beautifully, allowing her to focus on Jack.

Eira had never felt anger the likes of what boiled in her as she stared down Jack.

She wanted to break her, to use every ounce of energy in her body to hurt so badly the smug grin would fall from her lips.

Everything was wrong and it was her fault.

Nafna, Corrine, all the tests, everything she'd been told…

Eira doubted it all.

And the only thing that hurt more than the pain of it all was her embarrassment.

She wanted to scream and let loose a biotic blast strong enough to rend the metal from the walls and reduce Jack to dust.

But she also wanted to disappear.

"Eira! Jack!"

Her gaze snapped towards the sound that interrupted her thoughts and she saw, much to her alarm, Shepard approaching them.

A long-felt pain returned at the sight of him and she felt her chin quiver as she struggled with the enormity of it all.

"Jack, stand down!" he ordered, "Eira, you too!"

Each biotic held their attack back but neither allowed it to dissipate. Shepard had positioned himself between them, making attack impossible without hitting him. Still, Eira couldn't let it go. The moment there was an opening she was going to take it.

Shepard glanced at her briefly before turning his attention to Jack, who was pacing back and forth like a cornered animal.

"Get out of my way," she growled, glaring at him.

"I'm not going to let you destroy my ship!" Shepard said with surprising calm, "Whatever grudges you two have, I'm not going to let you risk the lives of those onboard to settle them!"

Jack snorted, "Princess here made the first move…"

Shepard looked back at her over his shoulder.

"Eira?" he asked, brow arched quizzically.

Trembling, she said nothing.

There was so much she wanted to say, to both Jack and Shepard that it all caught in her throat and rendered her speechless.

She simply stared at him.

He eyed her hand, which still held the shockwave she'd intended for Jack and after meeting her gaze, took a tentative step towards her.

"No!" she screamed, backing away to put more distance between them.

Shepard stopped in his tracks.

"See?" Jack said, "She's unhinged!"

Shepard rounded on her.

"Get the out of here," he said in a cold tone that left no room for debate, "get out before I let her space you."

Jack seemed dumbfounded. The biotic energy that had been pulsing around her faded, but she made no move to leave. She just stared at him and shook head in disgust.

"Fuck you," she spat, "if you want to defend her, fine, but I'm sick of it and I'm done with all of you. You want me to fight Reapers? Fine, everything else doesn't matter."

She stormed away without so much as a backward glance, pushing past Miranda as she headed up the stairs.

Eira eyed her as she left but never once thought of letting go of her shockwave. As much as she hated her, as badly as she wanted to shut her up, she wasn't about to attack her when her back was turned. Her attack faded from her palm but the flare of biotics that enveloped her remained.

Emotions still heightened, she couldn't bring herself to relent.

_She's right…oh god, she's right…_

Her chest tightened painfully as she struggled to rein it all in, making it impossible to take a deep breath. Her hands were shaking and cold, hanging limp at her sides.

"Eira?"

She glanced up meekly and saw Shepard slowly approaching her.

Tears welled in her eyes and she bit her lip as she tried to hold them back.

"Go away," she said in a shaky breath, "just leave me alone…"

Shepard shook his head. His gaze was gentle and calm, devoid of the icy intensity she was used to. It took her off-guard.

"I'm not about to do that."

Eira took a small step back.

"No…"

"It's going to be alright," he soothed, nearing her, "get control of your biotics so I can help you."

Tears spilled free and rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head, unable to believe him given all that had been revealed.

"You can't help," she muttered, "you can't change the fact she was right…all along she was right…"

"Jack isn't," he said without hesitation, seemingly unwilling to back down, "did Teltin raise questions? Yes. But it doesn't change who you are, Eira."

"Who I am?" she asked with a snort of sad amusement, "all the tests they ran, the simulations they put me through…I was an experiment, Shepard."

Feeling as though a dagger had pierced his heart, Shepard reached out to her in a desperate effort to comfort her.

"Eira –

"No!" she snapped, swatting his hand away, "just leave me alone!"

"Please –

"Everything was a fucking lie," she gasped as she sobbed, "I'm such an idiot! Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I fight back?"

Ignoring the biotic energy that emanated from her, Shepard closed the distance between them in a tight embrace. Eira let out a heart-wrenching cry and struggled against him weakly, too exhausted to do anything with the energy that tingled on her skin.

Overwhelmed, her legs gave out from under her and she slumped into him.

"Woah, Eira!"

She was suddenly dead weight against him.

He held her as best he could but ultimately eased her down to the floor, where she settled on her knees.

She immediately rocked forward, curling in on herself as she wept uncontrollably. Her hair had fallen forward to obscure her face, which made her appear smaller somehow; more vulnerable.

Faced with her pain, he felt helpless; which scared him more than he thought possible. He knew he had no right to the feeling, which made it all so much worse.

Shepard knelt beside her and, after some initial hesitation, began rubbing her back. She immediately tensed and he heard her breath catch, but she made no attempt to halt him and eventually relaxed into his touch.

"Why…are you even here?" she managed weakly after some time had passed.

"I…"

Instinctively, he went for what was safest.

"I had to make sure you and Jack didn't tear the ship apart."

Eira righted herself and brushed the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand as she sniffled. She didn't look at him, but he watched her closely. Blood from her brow had smeared down the side of her face and another smear from her busted lip coloured her chin. She looked as though something had broken inside of her and he hoped silently that it was only exhaustion.

"We didn't," she said quietly, "and she's gone…and you're here."

"I…I supposed I wanted to make sure you were going to be alright."

She gave a short laugh and shook her head.

"I'm really not…"

"Eira –

"She was right all along," she turned to him, "you knew she was, didn't you?"

Shepard felt as though a hand was tightening around his throat. He could hardly breathe and words left him.

But she didn't need to hear them.

She looked away, a far-off gleam in her eyes.

"Of course you did. Commander Shepard knows everything…"

"Eira, I…the only thing I knew for sure was that we didn't know everything. Whatever it was…whatever was kept from you…you have to believe me when I say I didn't want Jack to be the one who told you."

Eira choked on a sob she'd tried to hold back.

"You didn't deserve this…"

He caught movement from the corner of his eye and saw Miranda near the stairwell.

"Come on; let me get you back to your room."

\------------------------------------------------------

He wanted to scoop her up in his arms, to keep her as close to him as possible. He couldn't though, so he stayed close to help her balance as they made their way slowly to her room. The stairs were the most difficult but he didn't rush her, instead only extending an arm behind her to make sure she didn't tumble backwards.

When they finally entered her room and the door closed behind them, he stepped from her side to tidy the covers of her bed.

She collapsed into bed with enough force to smack the frame of the cot against the wall. He lifted her feet up and pulled the sheets over her.

After digging through the boxes at the foot of her bed, he found a clean washcloth and began to wipe away the blood from her face.

"I don't think you'll need stitches…" he said quietly as he moved from her brow to her split lip, "Some medi-gel will do fine."

Eira's gear was scattered across the room but he found her omni-tool easily enough. Once the gel was applied he sat on the edge of her bed.

"How's your head?" he asked.

"Fine."

He looked at her, his doubt evident.

"Really."

Shepard sighed, "Chakwas will have my head if –

"I'm fine," she said with more bite, "might have a headache in the morning but…it's nothing. I'm just tired."

She rolled over under the covers but avoided looking his way.

"Do you feel safe down here? What with her so close?"

Eira nodded.

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

Her response was cold.

"Is there anything I can get you?" he asked awkwardly, unsure what else to say but not wanting to leave, "Are you –

"I should have listened to you…"

"Hmm?"

"About Pragia," she said sadly, sniffling, "I shouldn't have gone along."

"Eira…don't think like that."

"I can't help it. It's all I've thought about since we got back," she admitted, "it felt so fucking familiar…"

"We'll figure it out."

"How?"

It was a good question, one he certainly didn't have the answer to. He couldn't expect Cerberus or the Illusive Man to be forthcoming after all. But there were sources that were bound to have intel on the organization and its various projects. Aria came to mind, and if the asari didn't pan out he was more than willing to seek out the Shadow Broker; Liara might be able to help in that regard.

"We just will," he said finally, strangely confident.

Eira pouted, not convinced.

"Maybe it's better not to know the truth. This…this hurts enough."

Shepard turned to her, "Whatever you decide…I'll help you."

"I…"

He suddenly felt exposed and nervous. Instinct urged him to shut his mouth but after everything that had happened between them – Alchera, Tuchunka – it just didn't feel right. So he forced the words out.

"I've…fucked up a lot when it comes to you, Eira. I…I can't fix it all," he looked away and rubbed the back of his neck, "but I wish I could. I..."

He stood, looking everywhere but at her.

"I should let you get some sleep."

He left the room in a hurry and only let out the breath he'd been holding when the door closed behind him.

A few paces from her room he stopped.

"EDI?"

"Yes?" the AI said over the comm.

"Monitor the inside of her room and keep tabs on Jack."

"Yes, commander."

"Any changes, you alert me immediately."

"Understood."

"And monitor her vitals."

"Of course."

He made to step onto the lift but paused.

He looked down the hallway towards her room then, thinking of something better, allowed the lift doors to closed and headed back the way he'd come.

Shepard sat on the floor against the wall and crossed his arms. He was only a few feet from Eira's door.

"EDI?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Wake me if anyone heads this way."

A pause and then:

"Yes, commander."


	29. Calling a Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard confronts Jack and takes a step forward with Eira.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my patient and dedicated readers who’ve stuck with me through this story and tolerated my delays. My computer actually died a few weeks ago, so that added to this delay - sorry, all! 
> 
> I read every review that is left and am thankful for them all; be it praise or constructive criticism :)

She woke after only a few restless hours of sleep to find that every inch of her ached so badly she wasn't sure how she was going to get out of bed. With a groan, she tried to wiggle her way onto her side and managed somehow despite how heavy her limbs felt. She slipped her legs off the cot one at a time, taking care not to go too quickly.

Once her feet touched the ground, she used her arms to push herself upward. Her elbows cracked and she felt her arms tremble with the sheer effort of it.

Eira breathed a sigh of relief when she successfully righted herself.

Taking a moment to collect herself, she decided to take stock of the damage. Her legs were a mosaic of small cuts and scrapes from flying debris and she had a fierce bruise starting to form on her thigh.

She tentatively touched her side and winced immediately.

If they weren't broken, her ribs were at least fractured.

"Fuck…" she hissed through clenched teeth.

Taking deep breaths, she touched a sore spot on her shoulder. She managed to tug down the sleeve of her shirt enough to see yet another bruise forming, this one already a rather disgusting shade of black tinged with purple. It was especially gross against her pale skin and she righted her sleeve almost immediately.

She ran her tongue over her bottom lip and felt the tender welt Jack had given her. The swelling wasn't too bad, though she imagined she'd slept through the worst of it.

Ready to attempt standing, Eira took a deep breath and held it as she summoned all her strength to push herself up. Once upright, she was hit with a dizziness that blurred her vision. She stumbled forward and grasped a nearby crate for support. As intense as it was, she was pleasantly surprised that her headache was minimal.

Eira's stomach growled loudly.

She wasn't sure when she'd last eaten, which for a biotic was foolish. Still, she felt her priority was cleaning herself up. She couldn't traipse about the mess hall for something to eat while she looked like death had chewed her up and spit her out. The showers were on the second deck though, which meant she'd have to risk bumping into someone in order to get there.

Ultimately deciding there was no helping it, she gathered up a change of clothes and a towel, slipped on her boots, and made to leave her room.

Only she didn't get very far.

The door slid open and revealed a very cross looking Doctor Chakwas blocking her path.

Eira groaned.

Data-pad in hand, Chakwas was flanked by two attendants.

"Just where do you think you're off to, my dear?" the doctor asked as she looked Eira up and down, grimacing upon discovering one bruise after the other.

"Showers," she said evenly, "feel like hell…"

"You look like it too," Chakwas shot back, "what in God's name were you thinking?"

Eira shrugged.

"Come," she snapped her fingers, beckoning one of the attendants forward.

He was pushing a wheelchair.

Eira took a step back and shook her head.

"Eira, don't make this difficult," Chakwas soothed, "you look like you could keel over at any moment."

"No."

Chakwas shook her head, "Eira, the commander asked me to do this gently but if you don't cooperate I will wrestle you into this chair myself!"

"None of this is necessary…"

"I'll be the judge of that, thank you."

Eira relented with a low groan, flopping down into the wheelchair with a scowl. She wasn't going to admit it, but it felt good to sit down. Her legs felt weak, like they'd been completely sapped of strength. She probably wouldn't have made it to the showers on her own…

The lift opened as they neared it and, much to her dismay, Shepard stepped out onto the deck.

"Ah, commander," Chakwas said warmly, "good morning."

Eira couldn't bring herself to look at him and instead focused on the tile at her feet.

She could feel his gaze on her though.

"Chakwas," he said, "I trust your patient is behaving?"

"Well enough."

"Don't discharge her from your care until I've been to speak with her. I've business with Jack and our engineers, but I'll be by the med-bay as soon as I can. She's not to leave until then. Understood?"

"Perfectly, sir."

"Thank you, doctor. If you're in need of supplies…"

"You'll be the first to know, commander."

\-----------------------------------------------

Shepard descended the stairs to where Jack resided still very much unsure as to what he was going to say. He didn't think for a minute that mending bridges with Jack would be easy. Garrus didn't seem to think it was possible when he'd run the idea by him, but he'd ultimately decided it was worth trying - if only for the sake of the mission.

Jack was reclined against a stack of crates, fiddling with her gun, when he rounded the corner. She causally looked up, spotted him, and laughed before turning her attention back to her firearm.

Evidence of her scuffle with Eira remained – a blackened eye, a bruise on her jaw, and small cuts across her cheek from where shrapnel had clipped her.

Still, he couldn't help but think she'd gotten off much lighter than Eira.

"Have you had Chakwas take a look at you?" He questioned, knowing normal pleasantries would serve only to piss her off quicker.

There was a long, tense silence in which he thought perhaps she wouldn't answer.

And then…

"You know the answer to that," she said without lifting her focus from her gun, "here to drag me to the doctor?"

"No."

"Why are you here then?"

Straight to the point – not that he should have been surprised.

"If this mission is going to succeed we can't be at each other's throats."

"Should have thought of that before last night," she snapped, tossing down her gun and watching him curiously.

He exhaled heavily, "You got exactly what you wanted, Jack."

"Hey, fuck you!" she snarled, leaping down from her perch on the crates, "Seeing Teltin doesn't mean you 'know' the shit I went through!"

"You're right."

He watched her intently as she began to pace the small room.

"They experimented on me, Shepard! They killed kids, pit us against each other, beating us down until we were nothing…and she was blind to it! She was one of their fucking guinea pigs and she was too damn stupid to see it!"

"Is that why you goaded her into going to Pragia?" Shepard questioned as calmly as he could muster, all too aware of the growing anger inside of him at the mention of Eira.

"She needed to see it! She needed to know exactly what she was to them!" Jack spat angrily.

"And what is that, Jack?"

She stopped and glared at him.

"A fucking number! Disposable! The moment she's no longer a benefit to the Illusive Man and whatever fucking sick plan he's got for her, she'll be spaced with the rest of the trash!"

"So it was all for her own good?" Shepard asked, unable to mask the disgust in his voice.

"Hell yes it was!"

Jack stared him down, her fists tightly clenched at her sides. She said nothing, and yet he could see the internal struggle ragging in her wild eyes.

He saw something ripple through her, a tremor, a shiver, and she was shaking violently.

Shepard made no move to fill the silence that permeated the room. He was abundantly aware of the fragility of what he was witnessing – Jack stripped of her defences.

Instead, he watched her as she struggled to regain control of her emotions in pained silence.

How many had died just to weed out the experiments they'd conducted on her? Despite having seen the cells and morgue on Pragia, Shepard couldn't hazard a guess. He couldn't imagine the guilt either. None of it was her fault, her doing, and yet she was alive only because dozens died.

He tried to imagine how Jack saw Eira and his heart sank.

It had to kill, to see someone so damned similar so completely oblivious.

After what felt like an eternity, Jack returned to her crates and sat down, her head hanging low.

He could see the weight pressing her down, rolling her shoulders forward.

"I'm sorry."

Jack looked at him, "I don't need your pity, Shepard."

"I know," he sighed, "And I know why you did what you did…it still pisses me off though."

"She needed to know."

"Not like that," Shepard said sadly, shaking his head.

"How then?"

"Fuck, I don't know…just…not like that," he lamented.

"You can't protect her."

"Still going to try," he muttered, "I knew the Illusive Man didn't give me everything on her. I should have pushed harder, used what resources I have to find her answers…but I didn't. One of many regrets I have regarding her…"

Jack snorted and he looked up at her, catching the smug grin on her lips. She straightened her shoulders, rolling them back to work a kink from her neck as she chuckled.

"You know, I'd usually be disgusted by the little dance you and the princess are doing…but somehow it's too fucking amusing not to take some delight from."

Her words caught him off guard and he was sure his expression made that evident to her.

He instinctively wanted to deny it but he knew as soon as the thought entered his mind it would be pointless. Besides, he was too damn exhausted to face the argument that would ignite.

"Glad we amuse you…"

She merely smiled.

"Can I assume we've at least called a truce?" he offered, "I don't expect you to be friends with any of the crew but I'd like to not count you as an enemy."

Jack chuckled, "Got enough of those, don't you?"

"Can't argue there…"

"You really want to call a truce with someone who threatened your precious princess?" Jack quipped, not bothering to hide her amusement.

Despite everything he didn't hate Jack. She was fucked up, tormented by the shit that had been done to her, but she was an asset to the mission; strong and unrelenting on the battlefield. Still, if it came down to it he knew he'd chose Eira over her.

Maybe that made him a piss-poor commander, but he wasn't prepared to dwell on it.

"Yes. But make no mistake; I'm done with you messing with her. You stay on this ship; you leave her the fuck alone."

She smirked, "Princess know you're this protective of her?"

"I mean it, Jack," he said sternly, "You stay here, your part of my crew. I'll have your back; that I can promise you. But you'll leave Eira alone. No more 'helping', no more scuffles in the loading bay. She's off limits. Break that and I'll drop you at the nearest habitable planet. Deal with it and we won't have any more problems."

"That easy, huh?"

"That easy."

\------------------------------------------------

Eira tried to prepare herself for the scolding she was certain Chakwas would give her as soon as they reached the med-bay; but when the attendants left and the doctor settled in to examining her nothing came.

There was only silence; and somehow that made it infinitely harder.

Chakwas scanned her from head to toe with her omni-tool, frowned, and tossed a hospital gown at her. She gave no instruction but pulled the privacy screen alongside her cot and went to the counter to prepare her supplies, turning her back to Eira as she worked.

_Ah…_

Just managing to stifle a frustrated groan, Eira made to slip on the paper-thin gown as quickly as her battered body would allow.

"Decent?"

Chakwas returned, not bothering to wait for a response, a tray of antiseptics and gauze in hand.

"As much as this thing allows, yes," Eira snapped, tossing her clothes at the foot of the cot.

It was harsher than the doctor deserved, but it left her faster than she could catch it. Chakwas eyed her curiously but said nothing, choosing instead to pull on her gloves and set about cleaning Eira's wounds.

She started with Eira's facial wounds, gently cleaning the scrapes across her cheeks before moving to her split lip. She dabbed it carefully with a sterile swab.

"I'm going to speak and you're going to listen, my dear," she began in an even, calm tone as she continued her work, "you got off light from your altercation with Jack. A few broken ribs, a fat lip, some bruises and scrapes? They'll heal easily, with little need of my intervention."

"Then why am I here?" Eira muttered under her breath.

"Because the Commander and I are concerned for you," Chakwas retorted, moving on to Eira's back, "let me check your bandages while we're at it…"

She moved around the cot and parted the back of Eira's gown.

Eira jerked forward, "I'm fine…"

"You're not," Chakwas said as she continued her exam, inspecting Eira's cybernetic bandages for damage, "you begged me to stand up for you in your reckless pursuit to prove Jack wrong on Pragia. I did, against my better judgement."

"I passed your exam," Eira said angrily, eager to remind her of her clause.

"Yes, you did. But I should have protected you nonetheless."

"I don't need your protection," Eira said coldly.

Chakwas rounded the bed to face her, peeling off her gloves and throwing them angrily across the room.

"Enough, Eira," Chakwas said sternly, tears brimming in her eyes, "you've no idea how terrified I was for you after Tuchunka! You stopped breathing on the shuttle…the commander had to do chest compressions to bring you back! And then we had to leave you, not knowing if you'd make it or not...it nearly broke Shepard…"

Startled by the doctor's display, Eira was at a loss for words.

"I'm…s-sure that's a bit of an exaggeration…"

"It's not," Chakwas insisted, undeterred, "He broke down after reading the reports your doctors forwarded! Trashed his room, bloodied his fists punching the wall…I've never seen him like that before."

"I…I had no idea…"

It was a weak response but it was all she could muster. Her mind was too distracted by the dozen new questions Chakwas's outburst raised. The man she'd described didn't sound like Shepard; but then again what did she really know about him? Alchera had given her a glimpse but otherwise he'd rebuffed any attempt she'd made to get to know him. If she was being honest with herself, the extra-net search she'd did on him when she'd first boarded the Normandy had been the source of nearly all she knew about him.

It was sad, really.

"I…I don't understand," Eira began, "I –

The sound of the med-bay door opening interrupted her. Chakwas righted herself, rubbing the tears from her eyes quickly before stepping out from behind the privacy screen to greet whoever had entered.

"Ah, commander!"

Eira hurried to adjust the sleeves and hem of her gown to cover as much of herself as possible. She reached for her clothes, clutching them to her chest just as they rounded the screen.

"Eira, I –

He fell silent the second his gaze fell upon her. Wide-eyed for only a brief second, he quickly corrected himself, looking everywhere but at her.

"I take it you haven't been giving Chakwas a hard time?"

Chakwas sighed as she fussed over her data-pad, "Nothing I can't handle, commander. Did you get a chance to speak with Jack?"

"I did. We'll discuss it later. Would it be alright if I had a moment to speak to Eira…alone?"

"Please do!" she exclaimed, glancing at Eira, "you're far from discharged, my dear. We'll continue your exam when I return – understood?"

Eira nodded.

When the door closed behind Chakwas, Shepard gave a heavy sigh and leaned against the cot opposite her.

He made no move to speak; much to her surprise. She'd destroyed Cerberus property, made an absolute mess of the loading bay, and attacked a member of his crew – what more ammunition did he need to lay into her?

But while he said nothing, she could feel that he was looking at her.

When it became too much, Eira risked a glance upward.

Shepard was looking straight at her, his arms crossed. Much to her surprise he didn't seem furious like she'd imagined he'd be. Rather, he looked exhausted. There were bags under his eyes and the stubble along his jawline was longer, unkempt.

"How are you holding up?" he finally asked, his voice strikingly gentle.

She'd wanted to be difficult, to bite back at him in the cold and detached manner to which she'd grown accustomed. It was what they seemed to do now after all. But as she looked at him that desire felt hollow. After all, if he was exhausted it was because her fight with Jack had interrupted his sleep…

"I've been better," she admitted, "thank you though…for helping me back to my room."

He nodded, "Of course…"

"I…shouldn't have done what I did," she continued somberly, "I'm sorry for whatever damage I caused –

"I don't care about the fucking damage, Eira."

His frankness took her by surprise and she gaped at him as she struggled to find her words.

"I…I only mean –

Shepard raised his hand to silence her.

Eira pursed her lips and watched him closely.

He seemed troubled, as though he was struggling with what to say himself; so she remained silent.

"I care that Pragia hurt you," Shepard began, his voice shaky, "I care that Jack was fucking delighted by it. I care that you're confused and hurt and questioning everything," he sighed, "I don't give a damn about the damage to the loading bay…I'll send the Illusive Man the bill."

His words rendered her speechless. On one hand, it angered her. How could he say that after all the horrible things he'd said to her? Did he not recall confronting her after Alchera? Had he no idea how badly he'd hurt her? But then she remembered what Chakwas had said…

'It nearly broke Shepard…'

Eira wasn't sure she could handle that possibility on top of the questions Pragia raised about her own purpose and upbringing.

She didn't want to lash out at him but she was tired; of tip-toeing around him, of ignoring the questions she'd so desperately wanted to ask.

"You know," she began, "it's really fucking hard to believe you…"

Tears brimmed in her eyes and she stubbornly blinked them back, frustrated more than anything that they'd come upon her.

Shepard grimaced.

"Eira…"

"I just don't get it," she continued, "all I ever wanted to do was help you."

"I know…"

"But you made it clear you didn't want it, remember? No more shitty meals, no more getting into your business, a-and…no more glances…you said that to me, they were your words."

Shepard managed a quick nod, "I-I know, I remember…"

"You've treated me like shit since then," Eira said with a small, sad chuckle as she rubbed the tears from her eyes, "but I've followed orders, done my job; just like you told me to. And now…now it looks like I might be a fucking experiment…"

"Eira," he stepped forward and laid a tentative hand on her wrist, "Eira, you're not –

"You knew didn't you?" she interjected, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks, "or suspected, at the very least. Damnit, why was I so blind!"

"I swear to you I didn't know anything, Eira. I don't trust the Illusive Man. I never have," he squeezed her hand, "I don't know what he's hiding about Nafna but I want to help; do what I can to find you answers."

"I don't want your help," Eira said, her chin quivering, "I don't want your pity. I'm just a damn kid remember? You don't owe me anything; you said it yourself."

She saw real pain in his eyes; deep and undeniable.

He let go of her hand but didn't move from where he stood. Immediately before her, her knees were only a hair's length from his hips.

"I don't blame you for not believing me," Shepard said in a hushed voice, "The things I said…I know I was cruel at times –

"At times? You have no fucking idea if you actually believe that," Eira exclaimed, "What the hell did I do to deserve it anyway?"

"Nothing, Eira, absolutely nothing…"

"Why then? For kicks? Did you enjoy it as much as Jack has with Pragia?"

"No! I thought it would be easier, pushing you away. After what you saw on Alchera…I was ashamed, Eira."

That caught her off guard.

"What?"

Shepard heaved a sigh, the tightness in his chest growing more intense; as was his desire to flee. Instead he rubbed the back of his neck and searched frantically for the right words to say. The air seemed heavier and what little space there was between them felt even smaller.

"When I was planet-side…I started to remember. Then I felt…it, like I was going through it all over again and I couldn't move…"

Eira watched him in awed silence, scarcely believing what she was seeing and hearing.

"I remembered…being spaced, when the original Normandy exploded. I…was afraid. I didn't know what to do and I…I felt weak, Eira. I didn't know how to handle that, still don't, but pushing you away didn't make it easier like I hoped it would…"

"I-I don't understand. Why are you telling me this now?" she asked in a whisper-soft voice.

Shepard, unable to look her in the eye any longer, focused on the frayed seam of the cot he was fidgeting with.

He looked so incredibly vulnerable and it tore at her heart.

"I thought I could handle it…pushing you away. But then you took the maw's attack…you nearly died to save me when I froze…Eira, I want to try to fix things between us."

Her breath caught in her throat and her chest tightened unbearably.

A part of her wanted to hold on to her anger. It had become so familiar, so comfortable. But she didn't hate him, she couldn't. And despite wanting to remain skeptical of his motives she couldn't deny there was real emotion in his voice, real hurt.

It still didn't make entire sense, but he'd been more open with her in the last ten minutes then he'd ever been previously.

She could tell he was trying.

And if he was, despite his fears and hesitancies, couldn't she?

Still, there was something she needed to know.

"Why though?"

Shepard looked up at her, "Why what?"

"Why do you want to try to fix this? Why were you even trying to push me away to begin with? I only wanted to be your friend, Shepard, was that so wrong?"

Even as she spoke she was abundantly aware of the fact that she wasn't being entirely truthful. In spite of everything her feelings for him remained. It was why everything he'd said and done hurt so damned much.

_'Get over your stupid, childish crush and do your damn job…'_

The words still stung. And while he seemed to genuinely regret lashing out at her as he had, she still wondered whether there was some truth to it. He'd never acknowledged her feelings for him before or since. Perhaps in his anger he'd spoken the truth?

Eira felt fresh tears threaten to fall and her throat tightened.

Shepard had said nothing. There was a far-off look in his eyes and she could feel the anxious energy he was giving off keenly.

Unable to bear it any longer, Eira spoke.

"I only mean that if its guilt you needn't bother."

"I…it's more complicated than that…"

He sounded frustrated.

"What do you mean?"

Shepard took a step back from her, distress etched upon his features.

It was an alarming change and Eira eyed him closely, trying to discern what he was thinking but coming up short. Sadly, she wondered how anything between them was to be fixed if he kept holding out on her.

"Forget it," she said with an exasperated sigh, "if you truly want to fix things, so do I. Just please be honest with me about that at the very least."

"I am. I swear."

"Good…"

Shepard nodded, tucking his hands in his pockets, "I'm going to reach out to a contact on Illium, Liara T'soni. She's good at digging up information, I'm sure she can find something on Nafna and what Cerberus's plan was with you…"

"Some answers would be nice, thank you," she offered weakly.

"I'm sorry I didn't reach out to her sooner…"

"Don't be," Eira murmured, "you have enough demands of your time. It was hardly a priority."

"Still…"

"It's really –

The med-bay door slid open, silencing them both.

"Commander?"

Chakwas rounded the privacy screen and beckoned Shepard forward.

"A moment of your time please?"

He nodded to her before turning to Eira.

"You'll be the first to know when I hear from Liara, alright?"

\----------------------------------

Once outside the med-bay, Chakwas spoke in a hushed voice.

"Did you make any progress with her?"

Shepard arched his brow, "Progress?"

"In getting through to her," she clarified, her tone betraying her impatience, "She's been reckless since Tuchunka. I want to ensure we'll not have a repeat of last night."

"I made that clear to Jack earlier," he glanced back at the med-bay door, "without Jack provoking her I think Eira will be fine."

"That is a relief! I've seen far too much of Eira in my med-bay!"

"You've taken good care of her…"

"Yes, well…do you think Liara will be able to find anything?"

"If anyone can, it's her."

\-----------------------------------

Later that night, Shepard sat at his desk typing the encrypted message he was to send to Liara.

_…I should have reached out to you sooner. Anything you can find on Eira or Nafna station would be appreciated. Expense isn't a factor; just do whatever it takes to get the information…_

Once he was satisfied, both with the message and the level of security he'd placed on it, he hit 'send'.

"I don't suppose there's anything you know about her, EDI?" he asked as he shut down his terminal and headed towards his bed.

EDI's hologram flickered to life.

"Apologies, Shepard, I have been denied access to files surrounding Eira and Nafna station."

He pulled back the sheets of his bed, tossing aside old empty bottles of whiskey and dirty clothes as he went.

"Denied access?"

"Blocks have been placed," she explained, "I assure you I would be forthcoming with any information I knew otherwise."

"You would?"

"Yes," EDI said, slightly hurt, "you are my crew. I've also observed Eira's emotional distress…if I knew anything that might help her get answers, I'd have provided it."

"Fair enough I suppose," Shepard said with a groan.

"That being said, I will ensure your message to Doctor T'soni gets through without catching the attention of any Cerberus official."

"I encrypted it!" he spat, somewhat offended.

"Yes…rather poorly."

He managed to restrain himself from flipping her off.

"Thank you, EDI," he collapsed on his bed, "the moment Liara responds –

"I will promptly bring it to your attention," she hesitated, "Commander?"

He sighed, "Yes, EDI?"

"I observed your interaction with Eira today in the med-bay today. I was wondering as to the specific reason for your highly elevated heart rate –

"EDI…"

"I assure you I had no intention of eavesdropping –

Shepard let out a long groan.

"EDI, while I appreciate your concern can you please not 'observe' Eira and I together?"

It was the last thing he needed. Trying to be honest with Eira and tell her how he felt was hard enough without worrying about whether EDI was listening in.

"I understand, Commander. May I ask a question though?"

He was going to regret this…

"Yes, EDI."

"Would you like me to forward an invoice for the loading bay repairs to the Illusive Man?"

Shepard laughed, "Please do, EDI."


	30. Two Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard goes to Illium to help Miranda, Eira makes a discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Mass Effect isn't mine. Original characters have been created for the purpose of this story. Eira is mine.
> 
> I had every intention of getting this chapter up sooner, however over the course of the last month more so I've been on stress leave, left my god-awful job, got the part time job of my dream, and prepped for and started college . Needless to say, creative juices weren't flowing – though I did want to get back at it!
> 
> That being said, I do hope you all enjoy this latest chapter! We're approaching a seriously pivotal event for Eira and Shepard...and I promise you all we really are getting closer to them getting 'closer' *clears throat*.
> 
> You, dear readers, are the very best!

_[…] You were right…you should have reached out to me sooner. I've begun making the necessary inquiries into your friend, but I've a feeling it will take some time to get real answers. My usual resources and agents are less forthcoming than expected. I'm applying pressure and will contact you the moment it pays off._

_I have to warn you though; you are not the only one asking about Eira. One of my most trusted agents (the only one to bring me anything concrete) encountered difficulties in the Sahrabarik system in the form of an assassin. On his body, my agent recovered a data-pad recently wiped. I was only able to retrieve fragments but they are alarming. I've included a transcript of what was recovered with this message. Whatever you do, be careful. I've got a bad feeling about this […]_

With growing trepidation, Shepard opened the link in Liara's message.

_[…] it's imperative that we get a lead on the target. The boss is getting impatient, and Marin is laying on the heat. Current reports have her in the company of Commander Shepard, who is in the employ of Cerberus […]_

His heart dropped as he stared at the screen, hoping that if he didn't look away it would somehow change.

"No fucking way…"

The moment he saw the name he remembered the exact moment he'd met the man and became immediately furious with himself. Eira had hit him with a biotic blast on Nafna that had sent him flying. Things had happened so damn fast after, with Eira passing out and the entire station crashing down around them. Still, he should have made sure the man was dead.

Not doing so was sloppy.

Shepard stood up abruptly, his desk chair slamming back into the wall, and shouted as he chucked the data-pad across the room. Everything within arm's reach followed in quick succession; empty liquor bottles, his boots, the scattered pieces of his armor. When he was out of ammunition, he took a shaky step and collapsed onto his bed with a long groan and immediately began wracking his brain, desperate to come up with a next step that would eliminate the threat to Eira's safety as soon as possible.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm the anger that had gripped him. He wasn't going to be able to think straight if he was pissed off and if Liara's intuition was right he needed to be sharp.

The Sahrabarik system…

Omega housed all manner of criminals. If there was a lead to be had it would be there, most likely to be found from Aria herself…

\-----------------------------------------------------------

"Can you please tell me how this is a priority?" Miranda asked, not bothering to hide her exasperation.

"Miranda…"

"Have you forgotten about the Collectors? If it doesn't bring us a step closer to stopping them it hardly matters."

Shepard bit his tongue. Her tone pissed him off but he needed her help. Miranda had the contacts and the power to pull the strings he needed; it was why he'd cornered her in her office. If the price of her help was her attitude, he'd deal with it.

"Listen, I wouldn't bring you into this unless I had no other options. I need your help Miranda."

Miranda crossed her arms and sighed, "Fine."

"Thank you," he said with a sigh of relief, "Liara is looking into it on her end, but you know Cerberus. Do you know anything about the man who tried to abduct Eira back on Nafna station? Marin?"

She leaned against her desk, "Not much. I heard his name on occasion, might have met him in passing. He wasn't of importance. He may have been a doctor but he wasn't consulted on high level projects."

"He's clearly not working with Cerberus anymore."

"No," Miranda agreed, "I stopped hearing his name at one point. I just assumed he'd been moved to one of our more remote labs. Seeing him on that station was the first time I'd seen the man in years."

"Well I need to know more," he handed her the data-pad he'd repaired sloppily with Liara's message pulled up on the screen, "Liara retrieved a message, Marin was mentioned. So far all she can confirm is that someone out there is asking about Eira."

Miranda scoffed as she read Liara's message.

"Miranda…I need your help with this, please."

She sighed, tossing the pad down on her desk before rounding it to take a seat.

"Miranda –

"Fine," she said coldly, her attention focused on her terminal, "but then I'll need your help."

\------------------------------------------------------

"So let me get this straight," Chakwas said as she pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to process the information he'd just spewed at her, "you help her secure her sister's transport and she digs through Cerberus records to find out what happened to prompt Marin to leave Cerberus."

"The hope is if we find out why he left we figure out who he's working for," he said, "we do that…we keep Eira safe."

Chakwas nodded.

"And you'd like me to do what exactly?"

"I've promised to help Samara with a personal matter that would take us to Omega. I've got to help Miranda out with her sister first so she'll have time to devote to Marin but right after that we'll be heading to Omega."

"And that's…a bad thing?"

"It's in the Sahrabarik system, where Liara's agent encountered Marin's. I don't want to bring Eira within a damn lightyear of that system, but I don't see a way around it. Aria T'loak knows everything that happens on that rock, she could have information that'll help us track him down."

Chakwas sighed, "Can you not leave this in Liara's hands?"

He'd considered it, if only to keep Eira as far away from Sahrabarik as possible. Marin's agent had been spotted there, but there could be others at every major port in the Milky Way. There was no avoiding it, no eliminating the danger to Eira in its entirety. Catching Marin as fast as possible was vital.

"I can't just sit here and do nothing," he said, rubbing the back of his neck, "listen…you were right…"

She quirked her brow, eyeing him curiously as she waited for him to clarify.

When he said nothing, she probed.

"About?"

Shepard felt his throat and chest tighten uncomfortably. He averted his gaze from her and tried to will the feeling away.

"Her," he said in a tight, quiet voice, "Eira…me…how I…what I felt…"

Chakwas raised her hand to silence him.

"Don't hurt yourself there, commander," she said with a warm smile, "though I am beyond thrilled to hear you say that. What can I do to help?"

Shepard managed a small smirk.

"I…please keep this between us. I don't want to worry Eira until I have actual answers for her. Just…keep her busy. I don't want her even thinking about asking to come along when we reach Illium...or Omega for that matter."

He knew it was wrong, holding out on Eira after telling her he'd alert her the moment he heard back from Liara. He tried telling himself he had nothing to really tell her, Liara hadn't given him anything definitive. Still, it didn't sit well with him.

_It's for the best…it's for her own good…_

Chakwas chuckled, "You think that's possible? Eira hears you're going planet side she'll want to come along…she's awfully fond of you, you know."

Shepard cleared his throat.

"Fine, fine," Chakwas soothed, "I'll do what I can, but I can't make any promises."

\------------------------------------------------------

Weapons loaded and secured to his back, Shepard snapped the last of his armor's clasps together as he headed to the airlock. He'd already called ahead to have Miranda and Tali meet him and he was in a hurry to make it to them before Eira happened to spot him.

Not telling her didn't sit entirely well with him, but he rationalized it by repeating over and over to himself that he'd be worrying her needlessly if he went to her with as little as he had. Tackling Miranda's problem on Illium gave Liara more time to do some digging; find out why Marin was still after Eira and who he was working for. If he had those answers, he could at least go to Eira with a plan.

Rounding the corner, Shepard saw Miranda fussing over her pistol as she leaned near the airlock door. Tali stood nearby…talking to Eira.

_Oh for fuck's sake…_

Eira saw him approaching and smiled brightly, though he could tell she was trying to rein it in. It was enough to draw a small smirk from him.

"Ah, Commander!" Tali piped joyfully, her hand on her hip, "Are we ready?"

"Yes, I'd hoped we'd have met with my contact by now," Miranda said as she glanced nervously at her omni-tool's clock.

"Of course, lead the way, Miranda."

She nodded, punching in the commands that began unlocking the doors. Tali followed her wordlessly, sneaking a playful wink at Shepard.

He cleared his throat, "I'll be right there."

Shepard turned to Eira, who watched her comrades leave with poorly concealed sadness.

"You're still on the mend," Shepard said softly, "I didn't want to risk your health by dragging you out on a mission too early."

Eira nodded, forcing a smile, "Of course…"

She looked forward, gaze fixed on the doors Tali and Miranda had just passed through. Shepard watched her closely.

She'd improved under Chakwas's care, despite not being the most obedient patient. Bruises and scrapes had faded and healed; and he knew from Chakwas that her headaches were not as frequent. He still worried that the revelations that came from Pragia weighed heavily on her though. Seeing her after her fight with Jack…it was unsettling. She was so angry with herself, so defeated...

"Hey…Eira…"

He wrestled with his doubts before tentatively reaching out and lightly touching her shoulder, hoping to reassure her.

Her gaze flicked to him immediately. He could tell she was surprised but she made no attempt to shake free of his touch.

If one good thing came from her fight with Jack it was this, being more open and honest with her. While he couldn't speak for her, he'd felt a weight lift from him after their chat in the med-bay. He felt as though anger had left the tension between them. What was left was…

Eira smiled and he suddenly found it hard to consider anything around them. All he saw was the full curve of her lips, so enticing and kissable, the shine of her eyes, and the curve of her neck…

"I'm just feeling stir-crazy," she said with a sigh, "I want to be of use. I…can I go on the next mission?"

Shepard lowered his hand and gave a groan.

Omega was next.

Eira pouted, "Shepard…please…"

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away from her, unsure what to say.

Crestfallen, Eira crossed her arms and looked at the ground, "Alright…"

She turned to leave and Shepard quickly stopped her, grabbing her arm.

"Eira…don't be like that…"

She stubbornly refused to look at him.

"The next mission…is going to be very dangerous," Shepard said carefully.

Eira's expression soured and she jerked away from him.

"And you think I can't handle it?" she snipped, brow furrowed.

Shepard sighed, his chest painfully tight.

He reached out and brushed his fingers against her forearm, fighting against the urge to grab her and hold her but strangely desperate for even the smallest bit of contact.

"You can," he admitted in a whisper, "I just…care…and I-I'd feel a lot better if you sat it out."

Eira eyed him suspiciously as she mulled over his words.

He could hardly fault her for the doubt she felt.

"You want me to sit out this one and the next…"

Shepard nodded.

"Please just…trust me. I'll take you planet-side again, I promise, Eira."

Eira grumbled under her breath, her gaze shifting between Shepard and the airlock.

"Okay," she relented, though she was clearly not thrilled to, "I guess its okay…"

"Thank you," he said with a smile, "I promise the next one –

"I know," she said with a nod, "it's 'very dangerous'."

"It is."

She looked up at him, eyes strangely sad.

"This entire mission is, Shepard. I don't want to just sit aboard the Normandy for all of it; I want to be trusted to actually help."

"I trust you, Eira," he glanced at the airlock, "Miranda's probably steaming, I should go…"

"Of course, commander."

"We can talk more when I get back, alright? In the meantime, maybe see if Garrus or Chakwas need some help."

Eira nodded, "I suppose I owe Chakwas after how miserable I was to her these last few days…"

Shepard chuckled, "You're stubborn…but she's dealt with worse – me."

He managed to coax a smirk from her at that and he rejoiced, reinvigorated by the sight of it on her lips.

"Take care," he said with a grin, turning to head through the airlock.

Eira's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Shepard?"

He stopped and turned, startled by how strangely quiet her voice was.

"Be safe."

He smiled at her, his heart beating wildly.

"Of course."

\------------------------------------------------------

"Do you have last week's medical report for the engineering crew's check-ins in that pile, Eira?"

She flipped through the data pads she had in front of her and frowned.

"Sorry, Chakwas, I don't see anything mentioning the engineering crew."

For a doctor, Eira found Chakwas to be strangely disorganized; though she admitted the woman hid it awfully well.

"None of these files are backed up through EDI?"

Chakwas sighed, "I hadn't gotten to that particular report, and Operative Lawson had requested to review it prior to my submission of it."

Eira shrugged and continued with the task she had been assigned, "We'll ask her when she returns then."

Chakwas dismissed the idea with a wave of her hand.

"I'm not delaying any longer just so that woman can review my work needlessly – fetch it for me, will you?"

"Uh, pardon?"

Chakwas looked up from her desk, "It's likely in her office, by her desk no doubt."

Eira paled, "Miranda will flay me alive if she knows I was in her office when she was off the ship! Chakwas…"

"Nonsense, just pop in, grab it and leave. It will take four seconds. And if Miranda has a bone to pick with you as a result she can address her concerns to me," Chakwas frowned, "I do not have the patience to deal with her bluster today."

"Chakwas –

"Please, Eira," she said with an exasperated sigh as she looked up from her work, pronounced circles under her eyes, "I need –

Eira stood, "Alright! If Miranda finds out I'm sending her your way…"

She left the med-bay without waiting for a response, crossing the mess hall briskly so as to get it done and over with. Unsurprisingly, Miranda's office door was locked, but a quick request to EDI had them opened in a flash.

Eira stepped into Miranda's office and immediately felt uneasy. It was crisp and clean, very much how she'd imagine the space to be. The desk was positioned right in front of the door and as she rounded it, she spotted a few data-pads on it.

"Damnit…"

She sighed, looking down at them with her hands on her hips.

Her gaze fell upon one that stood out from the others. It was on top, likely the last viewed and someone had done a sloppy job of repairing the cracked backing and chipped screen, using what appeared to be electrical tape to cover the fractures.

Her curiosity flared to life as she held it in her hands. It clearly wasn't what Chakwas was looking for, so she should pass it by, and yet she was compelled to tap the screen. It flickered to life and she was surprised to find it had been left unlocked and opened onto a screen. It must have been the last viewed by its owner, she surmised.

She knew she should put it down and leave. It would be easy enough to merely tell Chakwas she was unable to find the exact one; maybe the doctor would have better luck finding it.

But something on the screen caught her attention and she read on despite her better judgement.

_[…]I have to warn you though; you are not the only one asking about Eira. One of my most trusted agents (the only one to bring me anything concrete) encountered difficulties in the Sahrabarik system in the form of an assassin. On his body, my agent recovered a data-pad recently wiped. I was only able to retrieve fragments but they are alarming […]_

It was…about her.

Shepard had found something out from his contact? They'd just spoken, why had he said nothing?

Eira read on.

_[…] it's imperative that we get a lead on the target. The boss is getting impatient, and Marin is laying on the heat. Current reports have her in the company of Commander Shepard, who is in the employ of Cerberus […]_

Eira clutched the data-pad tight, as if her life depended on it.

Someone was after her? Marin was alive?

Confusion and anger rose in her like a wave. She felt her biotic energy simmering just under the surface of her skin, her willpower the only thing reining it in.

She felt the lingering pressure of Shepard's hand on her shoulder, saw the small smirk he'd given her that made her stomach aflutter…

She trembled as she struggled to process what she had before her.

_Why?_


	31. The Beginning of Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eira looses her temper and takes steps to leave the Normandy...and Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot begin to apologize for how long this update has taken guys. Honestly, I was so damn worried about giving you guys chapters that were as close to perfect as possible I think it made writing not fun for a while. I’m going to try to light a fire under myself and get some chapters posted for you all, so hang in there a bit while I work out the kinks! You, dear readers, are the very best!

She wanted to scream, to blast the data-pad through the wall and demolish Miranda's office, but she didn't.

She couldn't.

Everything felt frozen in time and place around her. The only sound in the vacuum it created was that of her own sharp breaths.

Eira turned the data-pad over in her hand, examining it carefully as she wracked her brain for answers.

It was a message intended for Shepard; that much was clear, so why was it in Miranda's office? Had he given it to her?

The thought did little to calm her anger. After all, if Miranda knew how many others did as well?

His words, spoken just a few hours ago when he departed the Normandy, replayed in her mind.

_'I just…care…and I-I'd feel a lot better if you sat it out.'_

He lied.

She suddenly felt as though someone had struck her in the chest, as her breath left her and she was left gasping. Tremors wracked her body as she struggled to rein in her anger and resist the urge to destroy everything in reach.

His next mission…

Eira regarded the data-pad in her hands with wide, disbelieving eyes.

It made sense now, why he was so adamant about her not being involved. It had something to do with the information on the data-pad, she just knew it.

He was going behind her back…

Eira felt sick to her stomach.

Unable to swallow her anger down any longer, she gritted her teeth. Data-pad clutched tightly, she stormed out of the office and made straight for the med-bay.

The doors hissed open and she saw Chakwas at her desk.

"Eira, did you –

"Do you know too?" she spat angrily as she held up the pad, "or was Miranda the only one Shepard told about the merc in the Sahrabarik system? The one who was hunting me?"

Chakwas stood; confusion fading from her features as she quickly pieced together what the furious biotic was referring to.

"Eira, please…"

"No!" she screamed as tears cascaded down her cheeks, "I can't believe I thought he honestly wanted to fix things between us! All he's ever done is lie!"

"He's trying to protect you!" Chakwas said desperately, "I didn't agree with his choice to withhold this from you, but he only did it to buy himself time to gather more intel!"

Eira glared at the doctor and turned swiftly on her heel, heading for the door.

"Eira! Please –

"Leave me alone!" she shouted as she stormed from the med-bay without so much as a glance over her shoulder.

Mind racing a mile an hour, Eira hurried to the battery, intent on finding Garrus. She found him fussing over a terminal, various tools and electronics scattered at his feet.

He looked up when the door shut behind her.

"Oh, Eira, good to see you," he looked up and jumped at the sight of her, "you…you don't look well."

She roughly brushed aside her tears, tucking the data-pad under her arm. She was shaking and quickly tucked her hands in her pant pockets in an attempt to hide it from him.

"I've been better…"

"Hmm, a human thing?"

"It's…just not something I want to get into right now. Garrus, I…I need your help."

"Of course, anything I can do."

He sat down the wench he was using and wiped his hands on a filthy rag. Leaning against a cluttered table, he watched her silently. He was still clearly uneasy but in typical fashion he seemed genuine in wanting to hear her out in the very least.

"I need to go. I can't stay on the Normandy anymore…"

His eyes revealed his shock but he made no move to cut her off.

"I want to help against the Collectors but I can't do it from here anymore. You became Archangel on Omega; can you help me do something similar?"

Garrus groaned, "Eira I can't condone you becoming a vigilante. It nearly got me killed, I can't be a part of that happening to you."

"I don't need to be exactly like Archangel," she said, "I only mean I want to be a part of something at the front line. My biotics could help, couldn't they?"

"They help here, on the Normandy," he said without hesitation, "I thought you knew that. What's changed?"

"Nothing. I just don't want to be here anymore."

Eira knew it was a flimsy lie the moment it left her.

"Really?"

She nodded.

"Bullshit, kid," he said as he stepped closer to her, studying her carefully, "Has this got something to do with Shepard?"

Eira frowned and looked away from him.

She wanted to tell him. Garrus had always been good to her and she had no doubt he'd listen if she had the strength to tell him everything. But she didn't. Everything with Shepard – the back and forth, the promises that turned out to be nothing but lies – exhausted her. Mentally and emotionally she'd reached her limit.

She was done.

"No. Listen, Garrus, I know you're busy. I know you have your doubts. But if you won't help me then I'll figure it out on my own."

Garrus breathed a heavy sigh.

"Fine," he said quietly, "I'll see what I can find for you. Can you just…just promise me that you'll speak to Shepard before you just jump ship?"

"Of course."

"And you'll be honest?" Garrus continued, eyeing her sharply, "to him at the very least?"

Eira felt her blood begin to boil.

Honesty?

Since when did she owe it to Shepard when he so clearly had no intention of extending her the same?

She wanted to destroy something; to scream and sob as everything within arms reach was turned to space junk.

Garrus didn't deserve that though; and neither did the Normandy.

So, she bit the inside of her cheek to quiet herself and nodded.

\----------------------------------------------------

Shepard stepped out of the shower and picked up a discarded towel from the floor, wrapping it around his waist as he stepped out into his room. It was late, and he was exhausted, but he still had a few things to do before he allowed the seductive call of his bed to win out.

His mission on Illium with Miranda had taken longer than anyone expected. 'Complications' had come up, and they'd spent the day dodging mercenaries hired by Miranda's father only to have to clear an entire hanger to allow her sister safe departure. They'd succeeded in the end; Oriana hadn't been harmed, they'd dealt a blow to her father, and Miranda had finally met the sister she'd been silently protecting for years.

It wasn't a turn out he could complain about.

Still, it was hard to sit and enjoy the victory.

Omega was next.

And it was the last place he wanted to take the Normandy.

Braving the Sahrabarik system meant endangering Eira. He knew that it was foolish, Eira was in danger everyday simply by being a part of his crew, but he couldn't shake the sickening feeling that settled in his gut every time he thought about it.

Coupled with the reservations he'd had about not telling Eira what he'd learned, it made for a miserable feeling.

Shepard managed to find a somewhat clean pair of sweatpants and slipped them on, tossing the towel behind him. He tied the drawstring at his waist and scanned his room for a shirt.

He hadn't seen Eira since leaving to help Miranda. If he was honest with himself, he half expected her to be there to greet him upon his return.

Things between them might still need work but he'd thought they'd made progress.

He'd pushed himself to be honest with her in the med-bay. Maybe it wasn't the romantic confession she deserved (and he wanted so badly to give) but he'd tried.

He'd pushed himself and been more open with her than he'd been with anyone since he joined the Alliance. He thought she had understood but maybe…

Words were never his strong suit. Thankfully his role in the Alliance didn't call for that, even when he became a commander there was still a level of detachment he could afford.

Actions counted, the victories they brought about counted.

He used to think it had changed some when he met Ashley, but retrospect is twenty-twenty. With her it was all action, few if any words. She'd jump him on the lift, he'd surprise her in the loading bay…

It was physical. The sating of lust that piqued when they both knew they'd likely not survive the mission.

He wanted more than that with Eira.

And it was fucking terrifying.

He found a clean shirt and tossed it over his shoulder as he attempted to tug on his boots and walk towards the door at the same time. He wanted to see her and if she didn't want to greet him at the docking bay, he would go to her.

Just as he stopped near his desk to properly put on his boots, there was a knock at his door. It was faint against the thick steel of the door and while he wasn't sure if he heard right the first time, the second and third knocks confirmed it.

Confused as to why EDI hadn't alerted him, Shepard opened the door.

"Eira?"

\-------------------------------------------------------

She'd spent hours trying to figure out what she was going to say to him. During that time, she had read the contents of the data-pad numerous times and considered every reason she could think of for him to keep something of this magnitude from her.

Finally, she felt ready to confront him.

And what did he do?

He answered the door with no damn shirt on.

"Eira?"

She felt her cheeks get warm and knew she was blushing, much to her own horror.

Quickly averting her gaze, she crossed her arms behind her back and tightened her grip on the data-pad to remind herself why she was there.

"Eira…hey, is everything alright?"

She was fuming. But his voice was so much gentler than she expected, and she looked up at him with every intention of laying into him, only to be met with his concerned gaze.

Eira swallowed hard, her throat feeling suddenly sickeningly tight. She wished then that he hadn't kept something so important from her. She wished he hadn't lied and led her on…because all she wanted to do was stand up on her tippy-toes, wrap her arms around his neck, and kiss him.

"I…no," she managed, her mouth dry.

Shepard's jaw clenched, she could see the twitch in his cheek.

"Come in," he said, stepping back to offer her entry into his cabin, "I can –

"No," she said firmly, "no, thank you. I'm not staying, I only came to return this."

She handed him the data-pad, all the while forcing herself to hold his gaze.

Shepard stared at the data-pad, his expression that of confusion and disbelief. He made no attempt to take it and again the only thing she heard was the sound of her own breaths, the frantic pounding of her heart.

Finally, Shepard spoke.

"How…How did you –

"Chakwas. I was helping her, and she asked me to fetch a file from Miranda's office. I happened upon this instead."

His gaze rose from the data-pad to her, and the pained look in his eyes startled, and angered, her.

"Chakwas told me what you said," Eira said, tears welling in her eyes regardless of her efforts to hold them off.

Damn you, she thought, damn you and all you make me feel.

"I don't care about whatever excuse you have," she continued, "I'm tired of them. You've never been honest with me…but I'm going to be honest with you here, and you're going to shut up and listen."

She looked at him through teary eyes, livid with him even then, for making her feel so damn conflicted. For making her want him even still.

"I really, really liked you," she confessed, her chin quivering, "I liked being near you, I worried about you when you left the ship, I wanted to know more about you. But I knew you thought I was just a kid, even before you said it. And you…you're larger than life, the entire galaxy knows your name…respects you…"

"Eira –

"Shut…up," she growled, "and listen to me!"

He fell silent and she thought she saw tears in his eyes, although her own vision was so distorted by tears she couldn't be certain.

"And I…I cared about you…more than I could ever put into words. It's why I went after you on Alchera! It's why I took the maw's hit on Tuchunka! It's why I clung to that stupid fucking bracelet you bought me on the Citadel even while you pushed me away!"

Eira took a step back, clasping her hand over her mouth as she tried to calm herself. Spared his gaze, she was able to compose herself enough to quiet her sobs. Slowly she took a deep, steadying breath in…letting it out as she closed her eyes.

Shepard said nothing.

"I can't stay here…I-I can't," she said quietly, "I can't deal with this…how you make me feel. One moment I want to scream and strangle you and the next…"

She forced the tension in her shoulders to ease some and turned to face him again, pushing the data-pad against his chest and glaring at him as he slowly took it from her.

"I'm leaving. Garrus said I should tell you before I jumped ship. He's going to find me a place where I can help without…you. This thing goes sideways maybe you and I won't even see each other again…"

"I-I don't," Shepard stammered, his watery gaze jumping erratically around the small room as though he was trying desperately to find something, "I don't want that. Eira, please…I –

"This isn't about what you claim to want, commander."

"Eira…I'm sorry…just…just stay…"

"Why?" Eira scoffed, "You told me you wanted to fix things between us. I thought that meant we could be friends at the very least. I could have lived with that. It might have taken me time, but I'd have found a way. But then you kept the fact that I'm being hunted by a merc even Liara can't find out who sent from me! And then you tell Miranda of all people!"

"I didn't have all the answers. I thought if I gave Liara more time…and Miranda… I thought she could use her connections…"

"How can you say that and expect me to believe you?" she asked incredulously.

Shepard stepped forward, closing the distance between them as he stammered; trying and failing to find the right words.

"Please," he managed finally.

Eira wanted to back away. It was too much. He was too much, and now he was far too close for comfort. She felt herself buckling, and she wanted so badly to hold her ground.

In this at least she had to be in control.

"Please what?" she pressured.

Shepard let go of the data-pad and it hit the floor with a soft clang. He ran his hands over his head and looked at her with sad, pained eyes.

"Stay…please, you're everything –

"Bullshit," Eira spat, her chest painfully tight.

Frantic, Shepard reached out and grabbed her wrist, stepping closer to her so there was dangerously little room between them.

"Eira, you need to understand –

Smack.

Shepard staggered backwards, his hand covering his stinging cheek.

Her chest heaved with sharp, constricted breaths as she stared him down.

He looked at her and she knew this time that he did have tears in his eyes.

"Don't…touch me," she seethed, her lower lip quivering as she fought to maintain her composure and resolve, "I'm done, and as soon as Garrus finds me something, I'm gone. Until then, leave me alone or I swear the next hit won't be so gentle."

She turned and ran the short distance to the lift, pounding frantically on the control panel; the weight of his gaze heavy on her until the doors mercifully closed.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

In the days following her encounter with Shepard, Eira kept to the engineering level. She didn't want to risk seeing him and thankfully Gabby was kind enough to bring her meals from the mess hall each day as well as give her small jobs.

Eira appreciated the tasks, throwing herself into them entirely to distract her mind as much as possible. More often then naught it was successful.

She'd work for hours, rarely taking a moments rest. On more than one occasion her work took her below the engineering deck, to where Jack had set up her things, but the foul-mouthed biotic paid her little attention. Sometimes not even bothering to so much as look up from her own work when Eira passed by.

By the time Eira heard that the Normandy was finally headed to the Sahrabarik system, it had been over a week since she'd seen Shepard. Truthfully, she wasn't looking forward to seeing the system or Shepard. She still couldn't believe she'd slapped him, even with all he'd done.

It hadn't been something she'd gone out to do, her hand had almost moved of its own volition the second he'd started in on what she 'had to understand'. Even now a small part of her felt she should apologize, a fact that both annoyed and baffled her.

And finally going to Omega after what she'd read in the data-pad…

She was nervous.

The merc Liara spoke of had been taken out, but she wasn't naïve enough to think only one had been sent out. Still, she wasn't about to admit that to Chakwas or Shepard.

She refused to show any weakness.

Gabby was strangely excited to be going to Omega though, and hadn't stopped going on about a part she and Kenneth wanted for the Normandy since hearing the news.

Eira tired to pay attention, but it was all over her head…particularly when Kenneth tried to explain it.

"What makes these couplings so amazing again?" she asked, after Gabby had regaled her with a long-winded tale about their creation; from inception to mass-market production.

"Cerberus was sloppy with some aspects of the Normandy's redesign," Gabby said with surprising cheer, "The couplings they installed are fine, but the T6-FBA couplings would make maintenance a weekly chore instead of a daily one."

"So, they'd save you and Kenneth time."

Gabby nodded, "He mentioned them to the Commander a while ago, but Shepard has a lot on his plate, and these aren't a real priority since we can function just fine with what we've got. I really hope he finds the time to check the market while we're here though…hey, maybe you and I can try the markets? Save Shepard the work of tracking them down?"

Her gut told her it wasn't a good idea. Even on a space station run by a crime boss and home to members of various species, Eira didn't exactly blend in. If there were other mercs looking for her, she knew staying on the Normandy would be safer. It certainly wouldn't be what Shepard would want her to do…

"Alright," she said with a forced grin, "I'm in. Any idea where we could find them?"

**Author's Note:**

> I've moved this story to AO3 from FF.net. I've been suffering a bit of writer's block since I last updated it on FF.net in June but I'm hoping to dig into it again. Your comments are all appreciated! Hopefully you fine readers can spur me into working on this again :)


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